UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Told My Church To Get A Paddle! ;)

I got to be cheeky today about spanking! ;)  And I LOVED it.  The Duke just basically groaned and smiled. :)

At our church, once a month we have cake or cupcakes to celebrate the birthdays and anniversaries in our church that month.  A number of families have gone glutten free... so it was brought up to see if we should think of another way to celebrate.  It was put up online to add ideas.  Some ideas were tossed out, and you know I had to be smart.  I suggested we get a paddle, hang it up by the front door, and bring it out for birthday spankings once a month.  Oh yes, I did!  LOL 

I figure, if I have to be secret about this lifestyle, I might as well have fun with it when I can! :)  Now to see if the Duke ever lets me talk without explicit written permission EVER again. ;)

So, after how great last week was, this week was hard.  I was stressed, work was overwhelming.  The Duke kind of stepped back near the middle of the week, and I felt adrift.  Fast forward to last night, and the Duke told me it was time for maintenance.  He sat up against the headboard of our bed, and waited for me to climb over his lap.  And he waited.  He waited a long whle.  I sat at the foot of our bed, basically as far as I could without falling over, with one leg draped over the side to help balance me out.  I wans't budging.  Now, I did put my laptop away as asked, but that was about it.

Why?  I want to tell you that my normal submissive self made an appearance and listened to reason, but you've never known me to be a liar, and I'm not going to start now, though, it would make me look a lot better if just this one time I let you believe the deception and not the truth.  BUT, the truth is, submissive Es May had not only left the building, she left the whole friggin county!  A small part of me fought to go to him, the rest planted myself at the end of that bed, and I wouldn't be going any closer.

As many of you know, being submissive, set adrift, hurt, harden to survive, rewind, repeat, it sucks. I was confused.  I was hurt.  I felt lost.  Going over his knee was the last thing that would help me in that moment.  So I talked to him.  I told him I either needed a committment from him, or we needed to stop.  I either need us to live DD, or not, and not do half and half.  He couldn't ask me to follow a rule three days a week and then tell me if was okay to break it the other four days.  I was so confused.  And every time he put a rule aside, literally at times telling me I could break it, I no longer felt important.  I felt like I was too much work, and too much to handle.

I couldn't go over his lap.  The trust was gone.  I wanted it back, but I couldn't force it, I tried, it wasn't working.  I felt like he wasn't doing this for our marriage.  I felt he didn't care to help me.  I felt useless, and like a burden, and stupid for needing his direction so much.  I felt like he'd do DD if it was fun and convenient, and not when it wasn't.

I told him all of this, and he told me he'd follow through.  I told him he'd said that so many times, and I let him keep trying, but I just didn't know how to make my heart and head switch back this time, I really didn't.  I also told him love him, for who he is, and don't want him to have to become someone else.  I told him I was okay stepping back from DD, I have said this to him before, but that I can't do the back and forth.  It hurts too much, I get too confused.

All the sudden I was yanked over his lap.  I started saying "I don't want this, no, I don't want this!"  I was fighting, within second I was bawling, and I said it over and over for several minutes.  But he kept smacking my bottom until I could no longer talk.  He hit so hard at one point I whipped around angry, and asked him what he thought he was doing.  But then he forced me back, and I just bawled.  I was almost hiccuping I was crying so hard.

It too me a while after the spanking to be okay.  But I was.  I usually smile right after a spanking, this time I didn't.  But it was more because I was pondering.  {This morning, I almost kicked myself for singing with a smile all over my face.}

I was still pondering an hour later at bedtime.  The Duke wanted me to go to bed.  I didn't want to go.  Ten smacks.  He told me again, I still didn't want to go.  I honestly wasn't testing him... though that surprises me, usually I only defy him on the few times I've tested him.  I just wanted to finish some stuff up on the computer.  Ten more swats to my backside.  I told him I'd just be a minute then.  Apparently that wasn't good enough because he started to head to where we keep the implements.  I said "Okay! Okay!  I'll put it away."

I don't know quite how I feel today.  I AM glad he spanked me both times.  I feel such a peace about it, more peace than I have felt in days.  I have had a major migraine since this afternoon, so that has not allowed a lot of seeing how our dynamic will play out right now, but I hope it's good.  I needed chocolate, it always helps settle my migraines enough for the advil to work, and he ran to the store to get it for me.  He agreed to leave church a little bit early just so that I could go since work started later today.  So normal day stuff, I feel loved, but I feel bad.  I feel bad, because I want to feel that definition in our roles.  I want to know he's leading.  I feel so greedy after how nice he's been to me today.  But once again, I've never lied on this blog, so I'm not about to start now.  That is how selfish I'm being today, maybe I can blame it on the migraine, they do make me more needy emotionally, but I doubt it holds much clout.

Now to see how my comment about the birthday paddle goes over. ;)  I won't lie, I actually did get the Duke's permission to put it up on our church discussion page.  He almost said no, and then realized it really did sound innocently like a joke. :)  At least I didn't put up a picture of one of ours to give them design ideas. ;)

28 comments:

  1. Tomorrow will be better. Think positive.

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    1. Thank you, sunnygirl. It really did get better.

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  2. I am sorry this day proved such a workout of emotions and pain. The DD road is often bumpy. Things will get better.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, Meredith. We should get a sign. "DD, Bumpy Roat Ahead, Proceed With Caution" ;)

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  3. Dd is a rollercoaster and it's a rough ride. I keep hoping it gets easier with time. I hope it does for you too. I love the paddle suggestion! Tara

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    1. Tara, I'm not sure it gets easier, but it does get more and more beautiful. :) I can honestly say the ups and downs still don't hinder how close we keep growing. :) And glad you liked the paddle suggestion. It felt so free to say it. lol

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  4. Hey Es May...you are a woman after my own heart...love that you suggested a paddle. ;)

    Sweetie...please do not get frustrated...remember what I told you in your last post. Go read that last post...pick yourself up and remember tomorrow is another day.

    Sending lots of positive energy your way.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. You know, while I was going through a hard time last week, I did keep quoting to myself the words you gave me to my last post. They were a great encouragement, and I thank you so much for them.

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  5. Hey honey :)

    I loved your suggestion, now I'm wondering what the responses are, got to keep us posted lol

    I'm sorry you feel hurt with the back and forth, I think we all to some extent suffer from this, I wish there was something profound I had to tell you, which would fix all this, but I haven't.
    But over the last week things are starting to click in my head and I'm finding myself questioning my own needs for this lifestyle. Not that I don't want to live this way, but why I have a need to be held accountable or why I need his consistency and also why the ups and downs happen. I think I'm on the verge of an epiphany, and thinking of blogging about it. Just need to find the words lol

    I think what I'm trying to say is, what we " me" need to figure out is, what we want to achieve with this life and whether we can do it without the constant accountability???? Yeah sorry I'm usin your post to ramble, am I making any sense at all?

    Hugs babe, I really hope things work out soon and you both find the path that suits you as a couple best x

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    1. Ramble away, I love it when you do. :) I think you are right, and it's caused me to think a lot about this this week. I really liked what you said about what we want to achieve with this life, and can we do it without constant accountability. It's one I plan to keep pondering over. :)

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  6. Hey Es May,

    I love your suggestion of the paddle LoL. You have to tell us what the reaction is! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and also hope you have managed to kick the migraine.

    I understand your frustration, but it seems to me from reading this that the Duke is committed to this and I'm sure things will get back on track. I'm with Cat, have another look at your previous post :)

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. I think he is. We did a lot of talking this week, and realized that my view of commitment and his view of commitment to this thing is totally different. lol After much talking, we were able to find a more middle ground of our expectations. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  7. Hello Es May

    LOL about the suggestion to the church committee
    As for you on the home front if you have to keep that communication line open with the Duke if you see him slipping or pulling back gently remind him of his commitment to you and the DD lifestyle

    Bob

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    1. Thank you, Bob. Communication is wonderful, and boy have we done a lot of it since I put up this post. But it was good. A lot of emotions to get through it, but we needed to go through them to get to some healing and understandings of what each other thought and really needed. It was beautiful in the end.

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  8. LOL...you are cheeky. I love it.

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    1. And it felt ABSOLUTLY wonderful to suggest a paddle. I mean, how many opportunities are there to do that and not spill about our not so vanilla lifestyle? ;) There was no way I was passing that one up. :)

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  9. Sometimes you just can't help but joke abstractly about it a little bit...wonder what the response will be lol!

    Sorry about your frustration. I think it's impossible to stay on the same page ALL the time...but how you communicate about that and how you work together to get back on track...I think that's what it's all about. Doesn't mean he isn't committed, maybe just means you needed more from him in that moment or on that day than he realized. It sounds like you worked through it just fine and I hope you feel better soon:)

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    1. Thankfully, Tess, the joke was recieved well with some good natured ribbing. :) It was fun. :)

      And thank you, we did work through it, and made some great strides this week. Some of them very hard, all of them very worth it. :)

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  10. I think I COULD Have writtenthis same thing. If Z isn't following up or through or I feel like he is just spanking me because he is frustrated with me I just can't do it - or it at least takes me a long time. There are a lot of times where he is going through different stuff and even though he likes the lifestyle...his brain is somewhere else. I mean...at different times our brains get sidetracked right? It'll work out...just keep talking and treat him the way he wants to be treated...he will feel respected and then hopefully get back in gear - or be more receptive to a conversation about it.

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    1. Thank you, Ashley, your talk about respect is so true. I find myself telling him sometimes that I respect him so much, and really wish I knew how to show it better, but that I want him to know I really do respect him. And as I say it more and more, the actions follow suit. One day I'll be able to show it all the time, I hope. :)

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  11. You suggested your church get a paddle??? LOL I love it! You brave girl you. ;) As for feeling needy, well, I think we all do sometimes. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, he wants you to need him, right? It's just hard when you're not feeling quite in sync with one another. I hope you're feeling better soon! (((hugs)))

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    1. Yep, I suggested it. hehehe Grace... thank you... that is true... he does want me to need him. I sometimes forget that, I sometimes forget I have value to him too. I tell people all they time how important they are to their husbands, but when it comes to mine... I forget. {{{HUGS}}}

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  12. Just think how many other people at your church will be smiling that not so vanilla smile that you were when you put it up ;)

    Callie

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    1. I know! Two people commented right away say they liked my idea, all I could wonder was if they might have a secret of their own! lol

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  13. The paddle is a fun suggestion, Es May!

    Ugh on the other stuff, but congratulations, too, for laying it out for him. That can't have been easy. Wouldn't it be awesome if chocolate was the answer to making this easier, too?

    Big hugs,

    Irishey

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    1. Chocolate would be an amazing answer to everything, but I think my hips and love handles would pay more than they already do! LOL :)

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  14. I'm sorry you had to deal with the flip flop. I've been there more than once, though I hate to admit it. :( keep communicating. :)
    And I love the paddle at church, lol ;)

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    1. Thank you, Elle, we did do a lot of communicating this week, and it was good for us. Hard at times, but so worth it. Hehehe, glad you liked the paddle idea. ;) It was fun. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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