We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Helping? Or Hurting?

When do you know when to step back?  Step up?  What makes you realize you're not submitting, or that you are, but you're in the wrong mindset?

The landlord is someone I literally would have punched in the face had he been here today.  I have not been able to get someone here to fix the roof yet... and that means the tenants have not been able to use their bedroom for a week now.  This is driving me insane, and them too.

So my landlord called last night and said he got a number of a guy off this weird site, and so I was really apprehensive about it.  Still, this morning the Duke called, and talked to the guy.  He came out today, and I was the one to talk to him and his partner.  They took a quick look over the roof, and the ceiling that had leaked.  As I followed them out of the apartment to ask them some questions, no word of a lie, they RAN to their truck, jumped in and peeled out of the driveway. 

Hmmm... NOT GOOD.  Exactly how bad is that roof then?  The first contractor that promised to do the job will no longer get back to me, and they literally run from me?  I'd only ever seen that in the movies before now.

So now I'm talking to some men in my church, asking if they have any ideas of who I should talk to, know of any reputable companies or men in the area that can do the job, and so forth.  But tonight I asked the landlord a question, and he told me to just get the job done.  I was livid.  It's his fault it wasn't fixed last year.  We were not told about this when he left.  We were just asked to mow the lawn and collect rent checks.  The guy he told us to call if there were any problems with the house is a guy that has been given less than a year to live and had no idea our landlord told us to call him.

So here is my question.  The job is really the Duke's, but he gets overwhelmed very easily, and I'm trying to figure out how to help him so that he has less on his plate.  But if I'm getting overwhelmed too, am I making things worse?  In my wanting to help, am I taking over when I should be letting him grow?  He did so well the other night, I was so thankfully shocked... should I just back off again?  Let him take over?

I really did start out wanting to just help him, but now I do wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew.  I wonder if I've made him feel once again that I'll come to the rescue whenever things go wrong so that he doesn't have to... he hasn't said so, and I really do have to ask him, and I will, just haven't had a chance to yet, but I really think in trying to do the right thing, I did the wrong thing.

Thank goodness one thing we learn is that mistakes happen.  You know what... I think I'll take five minutes now, and see if he has time to talk.  I want to make sure we're on a good page together, and that he doesn't feel like I'm trying to usurp him.  I do believe in him, I just wanted to help, but it might look to him that I have no faith in him, and I have to make sure that isn't the case.

So anyway, does that ever happen to you?  Do you find the same, that you were trying to help, and it totally backfired?  I'll let you know how the talk goes.


  1. I used to take over all the time. I'm not allowed to anymore and H is really strict about it. He absolutely hates it when he thinks I may be overstepping into 'his territory'. I stopped after it kept earning me spankings.
    Good luck with the talk :)


    1. I hope the Duke gets to that point someday, just because of how stressed this is all making me. I understand that may never happen, and I'll work on doing what I can in the mean time, but if he ever took over like that... I would be so happy, not sure if he would be though... so need to pray on that one. :)

      The talk went well, but the talk this morning went better. He finally realized how stressed I actually am. I am so glad he sees now how much help I need.

  2. Well my first response was going to be no, I don't take over. But I'm sure I probably do and just don't even realize it. I think it's a natural reaction and a reaction that takes a lot of self control not to do.

    I'm glad your going to talk to him and hope it goes well.

    1. Yeah, it's so natural to see something that needs to be done, and just plunge right in to take care of it. I really have to work on that. I can't expect to keep doing this, and then wonder why the Duke struggles with stepping up. I have started to hand him more control in this, he is stressing a bit, but I have to start letting him do stuff like this. I hope I can be strong and only do half, and let him take the other half.

  3. When I try to "help", Ty just gives me a look and says something to the effect, "did I ask for your help?" He looks like he has too much going on to deal with one more thing but if he doesn't ask, I try really hard not to offer. Every once in awhile, I will remind him that my offer to help is still on the table if he needs it.
    I hope that your talk goes well and that Duke will help out and take over this project. I wouldn't even be allowed to have contractors in the house when I was by myself. Nowadays, I have two boys that are bigger than my husband so no need to worry. Hugs

    1. I think that is really good, that you can remind him of your offer. I hope if he's overwhelmed he'll let you help out. :)

      I think the talk went okay, we had a better one this morning, so here's hoping we can find a balance. I don't like the contractors being here without the Duke either, but because of his work hours, we really have no choice. :(

  4. Oh Es May, firstly, I'm sorry you and the Duke have been lumped with this problem and that it is causing you both such stress. I can certainly see why!

    I hope you have by now talked to him. Communication really is the key. Ask him what his thoughts, plans are and if there is anything you can do to help him. I doubt the Duke is feeling usurped.

    It is hard because we want to help and ease their stress. I know I too have my moments of trying to take care of things for him.


    1. Thank you, Roz, I really do hope to have this all dealt with soon! :) You are right, the Duke was not feeling usurped, he was glad I took over, WOOPS. So I've stepped back some, and making him do a bit more... but literally, only a bit because he seems so stressed with what I did give him... I hope I'm doing the right thing....

  5. Hi Es May!

    I do the same thing. I take big stuff off of MM's plate b/c he is already too crazy busy and honestly, there are some things I'm much better at handling than he is. We both know it. At the same time, some of those things really are his to handle and he has had to step outside of his comfort zone and "man up" (his words) to get some stuff done.

    When it comes to contractors, there are sadly times when I've tried to get the job done, but MM has had to step in. There is something about the man to man contact that gets questions answered and jobs done. I sure hope both of you can find a company with all the right documentation who will get the job done for you asap.

    1. OH! That is so the Duke! His words are "I have to grow up". lol But he really does need to stop outside of his comfort zone. I love him, but his mom decided everything for him until he met me. And sometimes he still thinks I'll do the same for him... and I have to admit... with this, I had started to, but I need to allow him room to grow.

      I really thought about what you said, and I'm going to ask him to talk to the contractors from now on I think. You are right, there is just something about a man talking to a man that we can't do.


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