After a blow up with the Duke last night, we've realized something. Not to take the blame off of me, but we think it's not me that is making me crazy all the sudden this week. I've been up and down, my appetite for intimacy is insatiable, I've not been sleeping well, and things that usually never bother me are flat out ticking me off. I even was upset with one of my cats.
Then we remembered, about six weeks ago I started taking a vitamin to help with hormones, then two weeks ago I started taking the other two vitamins you can take with it that can help. Hmmm, hmmm, yeah, so we're figuring my hormones are way out of whack. Case in point, a straight line from the top of my nose to my chin, just a bit wider than my nose, has like 7 zits! Augh, I'm too old for this. lol It helps knowing this may be the cause of my weirdness, I don't know why, but it does make me feel less guilty. Now to see if we let me stay on these. LOL We have one and half months worth left, so hopefully we can get to the end where we're supposed to see the good results.
So Missy, what you said to my last post, and I promise to reply to all the comments, really makes sense, and I've been thinking a lot about that. So much so that I spent the whole morning trying to find a dress for myself. Why? Because I want to see if there are things I can try that will "help" keep me in a submissive mood without the Duke always having to step in. I need to work on this on my own so that even when he's not following through, I have the reminders to still work on it myself. I have heard some women say they are more feminine and submissive in a dress, not currently owning one, thought it would be worth a try. But finding a dress was a no go. :( But I will be sitting down this week to think and ponder over things that may help me keep my submissive mindset, even if the Duke isn't fostering it for me.
BUT, when shopping, I did find something. ;) I want to introduce you all to the newest member of our family. ;) I told the Duke we had a new member, and that our bath brush had a baby. ;) I found this guy while walking down an aisle going to the check out. I wasn't looking for it, it literally just grabbed my eye. I was so shocked to see it, and then so happy, and then it was in my hand and I kept walking. Literally, I probably didn't even stop for more than two seconds! I told myself I was not going to go out and look for any more implements. Does it then count if it practically jumps off the shelf at you? ;) It was $2.50, I COULDN'T say no. Even though it's a mini bath brush, it's the same size as my plastic hair brush (which IS used for only my hair) except that the bath brush handle is almost three inches longer. Have never been able to find a wooden hair bush that doesn't have ceramic in it, so this will count as one I think. It too is made out of bamboo.
Large Bath Brush We've Had All Along Shown With New One That Is Hair Brush Sized
So, as far as DD goes today, it's reshaping itself in our lives. While I was losing it, and that is the nice way to put it, last night, some things came out that I didn't even know I was thinking. But you know what, I think most of it was true, if not all. We talked, for hours. It was hard at times, there were tears for both of us, but also, some realizing things we didn't understand before, things we didn't really know about the other person because we didn't even really know it about ourselves to share. We are now more aware of how much each other is trying, not in just DD, but in our marriage and life in general. We're more aware of what each other needs.
And the Duke is starting to see now that just because he doesn't understand why some things hurt me, doesn't mean it hurts me any less just because he tells me it shouldn't. Until last night, he'd say things like "I don't understand why this bothers you." "I don't think something like this should upset you." "It doesn't make sense that this would hurt you." And when he'd say these, I'd basically get pushed aside and dismissed. Well, my being upset last night was because of something he'd said that hurt me to my core, he didn't mean for it to, but it did. During my breakdown last night, I was so loud I was almost yelling, I told him that even though he thinks it shouldn't hurt, when it hurts, it hurts, and I can't change that. I didn't mean to, but I broke down into literal tears at that point, I was a sobbing mess. I think that is what opened his eyes to the truth.
He's been really sensitive to the fact last night and all day today that I was hurt, and that right or wrong, makes sense or doesn't, does take the pain away. I'm doing much better now, and have been on the look out for an hormonal inconsistencies in my moods, and have been able to catch them all today.
So, the Duke follows through or not, I'm going to be looking for more ways to stay submissive, even if I'm the one that has to enforce it. In that past, doing this made me feel like I was still the one in control, I'm hoping and praying to find ways to stay submissive on days the Duke may not lead, and still keep from taking the power back. I'm not sure I know the balance, but I'll be striving for it, and if you know the magical solution to this, I'd be glad to hear your secrets. ;) So would the rest of the women in blogland. :) Err, not that ANY ONE ELSE out there struggles with this balance. ;)
In the mean time, I just got the Duke to read everything before this paragraph before posting, because I wanted to make sure in telling the truth, I wasn't putting him in a bad light. I don't believe in husband bashing, and really try to find the balance in telling the truth, and making sure I don't bash him as well. After he read, he asked for a few ideas on how to help me with submission. I told him it could be something quick and easy. Tell me to go to bed earlier, give me ten smacks, and a few other ideas. I let him know that exercises in submission did not have to take a lot of time all the time. He then went to our tin of implements and came back and gave me 10 swats with our new bath brush. :( He told me it was to remind me to be submissive, that he was there to take care of me, and to remind me that he loved me. Let me tell you, baby bath brush bites! And boy do I love that man. :)
PS, got some good laughs at suggesting the church get a paddle. ;) One suggested it would be okay if I was willing to go first. Oh, if they only knew! ;)