We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's About Balance

I want to thank you all for your wonderful words the other day. I'm going to be replying to them tomorrow if I can't tonight, but right now felt I should write about what's going on in the time I have.

After a blow up with the Duke last night, we've realized something. Not to take the blame off of me, but we think it's not me that is making me crazy all the sudden this week. I've been up and down, my appetite for intimacy is insatiable, I've not been sleeping well, and things that usually never bother me are flat out ticking me off. I even was upset with one of my cats.

Then we remembered, about six weeks ago I started taking a vitamin to help with hormones, then two weeks ago I started taking the other two vitamins you can take with it that can help. Hmmm, hmmm, yeah, so we're figuring my hormones are way out of whack. Case in point, a straight line from the top of my nose to my chin, just a bit wider than my nose, has like 7 zits! Augh, I'm too old for this. lol It helps knowing this may be the cause of my weirdness, I don't know why, but it does make me feel less guilty. Now to see if we let me stay on these. LOL We have one and half months worth left, so hopefully we can get to the end where we're supposed to see the good results.

So Missy, what you said to my last post, and I promise to reply to all the comments, really makes sense, and I've been thinking a lot about that. So much so that I spent the whole morning trying to find a dress for myself. Why? Because I want to see if there are things I can try that will "help" keep me in a submissive mood without the Duke always having to step in. I need to work on this on my own so that even when he's not following through, I have the reminders to still work on it myself. I have heard some women say they are more feminine and submissive in a dress, not currently owning one, thought it would be worth a try. But finding a dress was a no go. :( But I will be sitting down this week to think and ponder over things that may help me keep my submissive mindset, even if the Duke isn't fostering it for me.

BUT, when shopping, I did find something. ;) I want to introduce you all to the newest member of our family. ;) I told the Duke we had a new member, and that our bath brush had a baby. ;) I found this guy while walking down an aisle going to the check out. I wasn't looking for it, it literally just grabbed my eye. I was so shocked to see it, and then so happy, and then it was in my hand and I kept walking. Literally, I probably didn't even stop for more than two seconds! I told myself I was not going to go out and look for any more implements. Does it then count if it practically jumps off the shelf at you? ;) It was $2.50, I COULDN'T say no. Even though it's a mini bath brush, it's the same size as my plastic hair brush (which IS used for only my hair) except that the bath brush handle is almost three inches longer. Have never been able to find a wooden hair bush that doesn't have ceramic in it, so this will count as one I think. It too is made out of bamboo.

Large Bath Brush We've Had All Along Shown With New One That Is Hair Brush Sized

So, as far as DD goes today, it's reshaping itself in our lives. While I was losing it, and that is the nice way to put it, last night, some things came out that I didn't even know I was thinking. But you know what, I think most of it was true, if not all. We talked, for hours. It was hard at times, there were tears for both of us, but also, some realizing things we didn't understand before, things we didn't really know about the other person because we didn't even really know it about ourselves to share. We are now more aware of how much each other is trying, not in just DD, but in our marriage and life in general. We're more aware of what each other needs.
And the Duke is starting to see now that just because he doesn't understand why some things hurt me, doesn't mean it hurts me any less just because he tells me it shouldn't. Until last night, he'd say things like "I don't understand why this bothers you." "I don't think something like this should upset you." "It doesn't make sense that this would hurt you." And when he'd say these, I'd basically get pushed aside and dismissed. Well, my being upset last night was because of something he'd said that hurt me to my core, he didn't mean for it to, but it did. During my breakdown last night, I was so loud I was almost yelling, I told him that even though he thinks it shouldn't hurt, when it hurts, it hurts, and I can't change that. I didn't mean to, but I broke down into literal tears at that point, I was a sobbing mess. I think that is what opened his eyes to the truth.
He's been really sensitive to the fact last night and all day today that I was hurt, and that right or wrong, makes sense or doesn't, does take the pain away. I'm doing much better now, and have been on the look out for an hormonal inconsistencies in my moods, and have been able to catch them all today.
So, the Duke follows through or not, I'm going to be looking for more ways to stay submissive, even if I'm the one that has to enforce it. In that past, doing this made me feel like I was still the one in control, I'm hoping and praying to find ways to stay submissive on days the Duke may not lead, and still keep from taking the power back. I'm not sure I know the balance, but I'll be striving for it, and if you know the magical solution to this, I'd be glad to hear your secrets. ;) So would the rest of the women in blogland. :) Err, not that ANY ONE ELSE out there struggles with this balance. ;)
In the mean time, I just got the Duke to read everything before this paragraph before posting, because I wanted to make sure in telling the truth, I wasn't putting him in a bad light. I don't believe in husband bashing, and really try to find the balance in telling the truth, and making sure I don't bash him as well. After he read, he asked for a few ideas on how to help me with submission. I told him it could be something quick and easy. Tell me to go to bed earlier, give me ten smacks, and a few other ideas. I let him know that exercises in submission did not have to take a lot of time all the time. He then went to our tin of implements and came back and gave me 10 swats with our new bath brush. :( He told me it was to remind me to be submissive, that he was there to take care of me, and to remind me that he loved me. Let me tell you, baby bath brush bites! And boy do I love that man. :)
PS, got some good laughs at suggesting the church get a paddle. ;)  One suggested it would be okay if I was willing to go first.  Oh, if they only knew! ;)


  1. You sound happier already. Sometimes, making changes to ourselves bring changes out in others.

    1. It is amazing how that works, isn't it. :) I've heard that so many times. Be the change you want to see in someone else.

  2. Replies
    1. He really is. Sometimes when I'm emotional, I lose sight of that. But mostly, I really do know how blessed I am. :)

  3. Hey Es May...I agree with Sunny...you definitely sound happier. I love dresses in the summer and had to buy some 'easy to get on' ones because of my arm...check out target.com...they are having a heck of a sale. Here are some of my favorites but I like long dresses: ;)

    Sending lots of positive energy that you and the Duke continue on a positive course!

    Hugs and Blessings,

    1. Those are cute. I liked the flowered one in the middle of the second link you sent. :) I'll have to see if they'll ship to Canada, and if the Duke is okay with them. :) Thank you, Cat. :)

  4. Oh those pesky hormones :( just know how horrible they can make you feel :)

    Staying in a submissive head isn't always easy, and I really don't consider myself submissive, but come to realise I'm a wife and mother, and defer to my husband if that makes sense. It's changing the mindset that helped me. Instead of wanting H to put me in that space, I just left out the word submission and put in the word WIFE. I don't know if that helps at all:)

    I love wearing dresses and skirts in the summer, it does make me feel more feminine and soft.

    Hugs babe, I hope you guys find the balance that you need x

    1. Missy, I think I do understand. I have done a lot of pondering over submission, enforced or not, this week. About how I can be accountable to being who I should be, with or without reinforcement. Still processing. ;)

      I'll have to keep looking for a dress, you all make them sound so desireable. :)

  5. I think there are many ways to stay submissive, one of which is what you wear.
    Skirts and dresses, by far the most wonderful inventions ever made ! Honestly, not only do they make me feel more feminine but the more I wear them, the more comfortable I feel. I can only think of 4 times this month that I have worn pants...... It's winter here too. Start with dresses in bed if it makes it easier, I don't even own pj pants anymore.

    Just my thoughts though.


    1. I have thought of starting with nightgowns, but I have a really hard time sleeping without shorts and a tshirt, even if I go to a tanktop, I can't sleep for some reason. So maybe if I start with dresses in the day, I can get my body used to them for night time.;) I do hope to find a couple dresses. :)

  6. Hi Es May,

    This made me smile. I so glad to hear you sounding happier :) It's wonderful that you were able to sit down together and have the hard conversations and came to some realisations. I agree, whether we understand why someone may be feeling hurt, or think that they should be feeling hurt, the fact that they do is the important thing.

    Glad too that you have realised what may be the cause behind you feeling so 'uneven'. Those damn hormones really do have a lot to answer for!

    Wearing dresses and skirts does make me feel more feminine and softer. Callie's right. There are a number of ways to say submissive. Concentrate on doing the little things you know he likes for example.

    Glad you suggestion got some good laughs at church. I love that someone said it's ok if you go first LoL


    1. LOL Yep, they did say I should go first. I'd be willing to give a lesson or two, as long as my pants stayed up! LOL The more you guys talk about dresses, the more I want to get one. I'll have to take another look around. :)

      And Oih, these vitamins should help in the end, but you are right, the hormones until there, wow. They really can mess you up. :) And it's been a good week for finding little ways to submit. I'm amazed at how many ways there are. I'll have to share some of those things in a post soon.:)

  7. I have to confess I didn't read this entire post, ( long story) BUT if that bath brush is from Dollarama THOW it out. I am not kidding. I am not trying to sound like a wife who doesn't like spankings. I am DEAD serious EsMay. That is the brush that had me severely hurt. I ended up with friction type blisters on my skin. We didn't figure it our right away. I have been a severely spanked wife for over 10 months, and NEVER have I been hurt like this. Please EsMay, don't use that bath brush if it is the one I think it is.


    1. Thanks, Willie. The Duke read your comment and took it to heart. He said he's going to think about it, and if we do keep it, it'll only be for warm up OVER clothes. In the mean time I'm going to look around more for a good wooden hair brush that won't cost as much as a car payment. :)

  8. Hi, Es May. I'm glad you sound better. It's important to know our feelings are given weight, whether they are understood or not. I wonder why that happens?

    It's not difficult for anyone to accept and respect that we don't like a certain food even if they love it, or are repulsed by certain smells they are not bothered by. So, why is it so hard to understand we can be hurt by, or greatly moved by, certain words and actions that have no/little effect on them?

    I had a really silly comment about your bouncing baby bamboo bath brush, but I think perhaps you should heed Willie's advice - or at least proceed very cautiously. I wonder if the Dollarama brush has a strange material in the finish?

    1. I was looking the brush over, the wood is quite grainy compared to the other one I have. So that might be the problem, or it could be the finish.

      You're right, we all seem to understand differences in tastes of food, colour, favourite animals, but when it comes to what makes us happy or sad, it seems so hard for people to understand sometime. I do feel a lot better now that he sees we can be hurt by different things, and that's okay, and it is very real.

  9. Hey EsMay,

    My thoughts to your post are just a bit different as I identified with what happened in your conversations you shared. Hubby and I had experienced that same thing - where he would tell me not to let things hurt or upset me and I would tell him that I didn't have a switch to turn off my feelings just because he told me to and that my feelings were still valid. Then when I would tell him I just need him to listen, I'd get nothing back from him and would end up more hurt & frustrated than I was before.

    It took us a while to find that balance of him listening and maybe helping me be able work through or let go of things and yet not dismissing my feelings, and also me not dismissing his advice just because I thought he didn't understand me. (We'd had many "It's Not About The Nail" type conversations, lol.)

    Our poor husbands - we just don't make sense to them sometimes....add in those extra hormones and yikes! And zits, lol - I can totally sympathize with you - oh those child bearing years are so much fun! - but so worth it too. :)

    I'm so glad that you and the Duke had that time and that he was able to come to understand you better. And that he immediately treated you to a 10 swat mini spanking. That means he really heard you.... and is following through.

    My other thought is about being submissive - I think that our submission is really our job, not theirs. It's great when they can do things that help, but we answer to God on this, so we do have to take the lead on our own attitudes. So whether its wearing skirts and dresses, or a special necklace that he's gotten you, or a reminder verse on your mirror - or even special lacy lingerie or none at all... just curling up in his lap when he's available, just search your own heart and do it. I would encourage you to ask the Duke for his thoughts - he may have some preferences too - and you may need extra help on certain days... but other than that, do what seems best to you. :)


    1. Yes, it does take a lot to realize we both need to realize, and we both need to not dismiss what the other says. We're learning a lot, and the Duke is actually listening to me now. It's wonderful. As you know, I've spent a lot of time pondering on how to be submissive, with or without the Duke's leading. I've come to some intesting conclusions, and still pondering them. I think I'll write about them in the next week or so if I have them more organized in my head. :)

  10. Haha - I would maybe go first :)
    I have noticed in a lot of me and Z's hardest times that if I look at the calander...it was because of my hormones. Some our our craziest "episodes" have been while I was on PMS...I have anxiety and get super crazy and I can't sleep at all.... I finally put two and two together after about 6 months.
    Long talks are hard...we have had the kind where we are both crying and loving eachother so much but it hurts to get everything out.
    That little bath brush looks evil...perfect for quickies and the sit spots.
    And you are right...submission is OUR job...you are right. Sometimes I base it on how Z is acting...and I realize that i'm only responsible for myself. Even if he were never dominant or led me the RIGHT way...I'm still responsible for the way I treat him and others. Good post sweetie!

    1. Hormones, oh how they plague us at times. lol

      It is hard to remember that submission is to be done without leading. I guess it's harder because we have to be more deliberate about it when someone isn't there taking the lead. Something I'm determined to work on. ;)

  11. I was going to say the same thing about target. They have some cute dresses sometimes :)

    That is a good plan, to try to stay submissive even while not being led. I struggle with that balance too. This Saturday will hopefully be a submissive Saturday that works.. We will see.

    Good luck :)

    1. Yeah, I liked what Cat sent me, and am going to see what else they have and see what the Duke think's he'll like on me. :)

      I hope that Submissive Saturday goes well for you. :) I know that whole days set aside to it can be challenging, but usually very rewarding, especially if it helps form a habit you can continue with, either you or him, or both.:)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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