Yeah, just like the title says.
The other day the Duke and I talked about how nervous he can still seem at times to take charge. When he does, he feels good about himself, I feel good about our marriage, our bonds build, and I feel peace. But other times he's so unsure. What if he makes a mistake, what he if spanks when he shouldn't, what if what I say in the moment trying to get out of something is really how it should be?
So I'm working on not trying to escape a spanking. It's not that I feel I shouldn't get one, but dang it, they hurt! I'm not trying to be bad when fighting a spanking, I'm trying to calm my fear of the pain, realizing that once it's done everything will be okay, but to get to that point... there is fear of the pain. Which makes no sense, because I know I can trust the Duke, and the few times he took me to my limit where I just fell into a submissive limp lump over his lap, I felt my best ever.
Another thing we decided to try was to go hard core for a month. He's free to make any decision, spank me even when he's unsure, and I will forgive him, even if he's wrong. I kind of feel it should be this way all the time, but I think for the Duke it gives him a pass to make mistakes where he doesn't feel he usually can. See, his mom micromanaged his world until he moved out to university, and even then, had a very strong hand in his life. He never learned to make mistakes, or to recover from them. I'm hoping we will both learn a lot this month.
So, in view of all this, I still thought the Duke would be hesitant. Yeah.... no! lol
Last night I had asked him to come to me when he had a moment... I wanted to talk, and find it easier in the bedroom for certain conversations... not sure why. It took about 10 minutes for him to wrap up what he was doing, and in that time, I had worked myself into an embarrassed mess. He came in and asked me what I wanted to talk about, and then all the sudden, I couldn't talk. I was too embarrassed now.
He hemmed and hawed liked usual about trying to get me to talk, but making no real firm decision that I had to, so I settled down to go to sleep, it was bedtime anyway. But a few seconds later he grabbed the large paddle, my stomach dropped. He told me I could tell him, or be spanked until I could tell. So I made three false starts, I just couldn't get the words out. He flipped me over against my will, snapped the paddle down and then turned me over again. I made another attempt, nothing. I was flipped again, and the next time was given a smack so hard I jumped. No warm up, what? Just a flat out hard SMACK! My bottom really stung and burned. He flipped me over again, I tried again, nothing came out, but as he was going to flip me over again, the words finally came out.
A few minutes later he ordered me to do something. It was for my own good, it was for me to relax, and I didn't want to. But he insisted, saying it was what I needed.
And then a few minutes later when I wanted to grab my kindle and just finish a few more pages before falling asleep, he wouldn't let me. He took my kindle from me, and told me I needed rest.
Well, I guess when he commits to something, he commits.
So I see a lot of JUMP in the near future with me asking in submission "How High?"
How wrong is it that I feel such peace over the loss of control? My answer to myself is, not at all. :)