UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

He Needs Room To Fly

So, before I blog today... I just wanted to share a note.  I noticed all this week how long it actually takes me to keep up with blogs.  It's been several hours every day this week.  So in sitting down and talking with the Duke, I now am to lower this amount of time.

I do feel this is a good decision.  But I wanted to let those of you know that comment here that I will still be continuing to check your blogs as well. :)  I have decided, in talking with the Duke, to not worry about keeping up with blogs that may not visit here for the time being.  That isn't to be a snob, or anything of the like, but just what I am able to handle right now. 

Now, if you write on here, but I haven't visited your blog yet, feel free to let me know that you have a blog I can check out. :)  I really hope I don't offend anyone in doing this, it's just something I really need to do.  Right now I am over a day behind, and I did blogs for hours this morning.  LOL  So I do see the wisdom in stepping back to only bloggers who I communicate back and forth with either through chat or comments. :)

So, anyways.  On Sunday, the Duke got take out Swiss Chalet for us.  When he was on the phone, they kept asking him what he wanted for condiments.  He said some butters, nothing else.  He told them a number of times that he DID NOT want ketchup.  He got very stern, and I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Well, when he went to pick it up, he said that in the condiments back there were a number of ketchup packages.  Now, what he told me next SHOCKED me!  He dumped the bag on the counter, told them he had said he didn't want ketchup, and then put the butters back into the bag.  I almost died of embarrassment, even though I hadn't even been there. 

I asked him about it, asked him if he'd been rude.  Asked him why he did that to the poor counter girl.  His response?  "If you want me to get assertive in areas of my life, it's going to over flow into other areas of my life."

Wow, What???  Yeah, I had to stop for a minute.  He was right.  I did want him to be more assertive.  But how do I help him become that assertive man, and not worry about the fact that I worry he might have been rude to the unsuspecting counter girl?  I wanted to push the issue, I wanted to make him see my point of view, but I knew that that would be wrong.

So I left it.  He's right.  It will spill over.  In fact, on Monday night, he exerted that assertiveness again.  Our landlord is moving, and called us up and offered us a table, we were on speaker phone with him.  I wanted to take a look at it, the Duke shook his head no.  This doesn't happen. :(  He always lets me do what I want to do.  So, I asked him very quietly so that the landlord couldn't hear us if he was sure, I wasn't trying to challenge him on it, I just wanted to make sure it was how he really felt, and not just making a rash judgement.  He indicated that he was certain.  My heart sunk for a minute, but I followed his lead.  I told our landlord thank you, but that we didn't need another table.  And we don't, but I did want the chance to look at it.

I am glad I listened though.  I am glad that I chose to respect the Duke, and not challenge him on it, or defy him.  And in all honesty, after all the purging I just did, I do not want to be bringing new things into our home. 

Getting used to the new sides of the Duke is different than I thought it would be.  But he's becoming more self confident, and that is what I wanted for him. :)  I may have to give up a few things here or there to let him room to spread his wings, but that's okay. :)  He deserves it.  He needs that room to learn to fly.  I have to be willing to give it to him.

31 comments:

  1. LOL Es May...It's a case of 'be careful what you ask for'...teehee.;) Sounds like the Duke is stepping up beautifully.

    Ya know, he wasn't being rude...he was being firm. He told them multiple times that he did not want the ketchup...so that was either lack of communication or passive/aggressive behavior on the part of Swiss Chalet...plus being wasteful.

    As far as blog reading...read/follow/comment where you can as it fits into your schedule. The Duke and your lives come first!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat. I will make sure to only keep up with what I can do. :) I feel good now limiting it only to people that comment here, email or chat with me for the time being. I thought that would really bother me. But you're right, I do have to leave time for the Duke.

      You are right, he was being firm. I have to be okay with that, even if I am embarrassed. I do have to be careful what I wish for! lol

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  2. Oh I totally get what you are saying here. H has been doing similar things. He's not rude, and I'm sure the picture in your head of The Duke is not how it really looked ;)

    It's great that they are becoming more assertive in other things. I have found H is now much more assertive with his own family and this is a wonderful thing.

    Callie

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    1. LOL, Callie, I hope you are so right. In my head he just grabs the bag, violently shakes all the condiments out, trusts the butter back in, and grabs our order and leaves, will so not politely telling her that he had said "NO KETCHUP!" lol I know, bad.

      We at least I'm not in the boat alone if H is also doing the same in your neck of the woods. :) *AUGH. My cat just walked across the keyboard and and then my screen asked if I wanted to delete your comment. ACK!*

      Anyway. :) That is what I am hoping for the Duke. That he'll be more assertive with his family. :) He's already shown a bit that he will be, and they come for a vist in a few weeks. So we'll see. :)

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  3. Hi Es May,

    I can relate to this too and I've seen it in Rick. Our guys definitely grow in confidence and it does flow into other areas. I agree with the others too. He wasn't being rude, but firm.

    I nearly cringed at you asking him if he was sure about the table, only because I'm always asking Rick if he's sure when he decides something and it drives him nuts LoL. I do it for the same reasons you stated though.

    You have made a wise decision I think regarding blogging. You and the Duke must come first. Blogging can be so time consuming and we can also put too much pressure on ourselves to read and comment. I know I do and it's something we regularly discuss here - sigh! It is good to step back a bit sometimes. As Cat said, read and comment etc when you can. I really can't see anyone being offended.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Yeah, it was so weird. But looking back, I realize. I think that his debating back and forth with himself in the past was actually not him debating on whether he wanted something, or to do something, but a debate with himself on if he had to or not, and how to tell the person that he didn't want to. So now I'll have to watch when I ask him if he's sure.

      And thank you, Roz. :) I do notice you get to a lot of blogs too. ;) The other day I was just behind you, and I'd go through the list, and each one I went to comment on, you had a comment right before hand. lol I was like "If Roz comes back to these, she's so going to think I'm stocking her!" lol
      That is awesome that Rick is becoming more assertive too. :)

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  4. When they step up, look out! Lol I think the biggest area I worry about him being "hohy" not with me is with our kids. It is something I have feared from the beginning. He hasn't become a bully but I did fear it! ;)

    I totally hear you on the time consuming nature of blog land. I probably need to put some serious limits in my time. It can be tough!

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    1. Yeah, really! There should be a warning sign! :) I am glad that when he stepped up that he didn't become too hohy with the kids. :)

      It can be tough, I want to read everyone, I want to support everyone, but it can be too much. I love everyone here, and I hope those I stop catching up on as much will understand.

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  5. That's awesome that he's becoming more confident Es May! My husband does the same thing with people haha I die of embarrassment when I'm there to witness it but there is nothing wrong with being assertive :) -Stubborn

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    1. LOL I'm glad I'm not the only one that has struggled. lol Thank you for sharing. :)

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  6. Blogging can be a huge time dump. I think you're making a wise decision. :)
    That's great that he's becoming more confident AND that you are letting him, that you are helping him by not contradicting him. You guys are awesome!

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. I hope it will all work out to be more time for the Duke and I. :) I hope I can keep making sure I don't contradict him. I'm sure there will be times I'm tempted, but I'll keep working on it.

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  7. It's pretty cool to see them stepping up like that but it can be a bit nervous as well. Tm would do some of that anyway, mostly with strangers like at a restaurant or store. However now he seems more confident about it and comfortable with it.

    Definitely understand the blog thing. Most of the time I don't even sign onto blogland at all over the weekend. That time is set aside for Tm and I since he works so much. I don't want to miss anytime with him you know? Then I come back on Monday with a whole weekends worth plus Monday to catch up on lol. I definitely don't manage to comment on them all lol.

    I'm sure anyone from blogland understands the time consuming nature of blogs and will understand. :)

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    1. Oh, totally nervewracking! :) Maybe that is what the Duke is doing, trying it out with strangers. :)

      I have thought about going media/digital free on Sundays. I used to do it, and wondering about doing it again. Not quite certain. And thank you for understanding. :)

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  8. We all need to spread our wings. After all, change is growth and isn't that what we are all trying to do - grow in life and love.

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    1. sunnygirl, you are so right! :) Grow in life, grow in love. I like that. :)

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  9. Steve has commented a few times about how much time I spend on the computer, but so far hasn't imposed limits on it. It would be a huge adjustment if he did.

    As far as that assertiveness carrying over, I've noticed that with Steve as well. He's a nice guy and for a long time, had a hard time saying no to people. After we had been doing TTWD for a while, it seemed to get easier for him. Now he puts his foot down more often, especially when he sees that someone is trying to take advantage of him being so nice. He even surprised me the other day by telling his dad no when he asked him to come over and do something for him (he'd already been over there a couple days that week).

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    1. LOL Here's hoping he doesn't give you a rule then. :)

      Wow, that's awesome that he was able to tell his dad he wasn't going because he'd already been over there a few times that week. It's good to put a limit, so that he has time for himself, and also for you both. :) That must have made you feel so good! :)

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  10. I don't blame you for finding a way to cut back on your time in blogland. I would imagine it's impossible for anyone to read all the posts on all the ttwd blogs. There are blogs that I used to read that I don't anymore, there are blogs that I'd like to read, but just can't really add more blogs to my list right now and there are the blogs that I do read, but even those, I don't manage to read every single post.

    I think it's great that you were able to step back and follow his lead on the table. And I understand what you're saying about him stepping up in other areas and needing room to spread his wings. I've noticed that with Michael as well. ;)

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    1. I don't get to every post either, I have been trying, but now I see the wisdom in cutting back. It was stressing me out, and the Duke doesn't want me stressed, especially when I'm supposed to be relaxing. Go figure. LOL

      Wow, we should write a warning, or manual. lol This is what will happen when your husband grows in such and such an area in life. LOL That is great that he is doing that for you, for him, for your family. :)

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  11. Yea for you EsMay! For following his lead, even though it was hard at the time, you did the right thing. You probably saved yourself from a not so fun spanking too! ;)

    I'm not familiar with Swiss Chalet - that must be an east coast thing? But you've got me wracking my brain trying to figure out what kind of food could go with either ketchup or butter?

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    1. Yes, my bottom is VERY grateful that I listened! :) lol

      Oh, Swiss Chalet is in Canada, a WONDERFUL chain. And I had to laugh so hard at your question. He had fries, I had mashed potatoes. So it wasn't for one dish. LOL

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    2. Well now that makes TOTAL sense! I'm such a dork! ;)

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  12. Hi honey :)

    Hmmmm when HOH's find their footing and become more confident, it's time to really start to be good hehe

    Dont worry so much about reading and commenting blogs. It really is time consuming, I know as I spent so much time here in blog land, I used to forget every thing else. Well H has helped me realise this and has really restricted my time, with big consequences shall I go over :( it's something I had to get used to, but I feel much better, getting my chores done, and when I do come here, now I just read and comment on what I can :)

    We shouldn't forget real life, it's a lesson I had to learn ;)

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    1. I have to start being good!?! I WASN'T told about this! ;) hehehe. It's good that I am normally good then. :) Hopefully he doesn't start asking too much though. Though he is really good about that. :)

      It is hard to keep up. I do find that I feel a little relief today. I do want time to have my house looking good, spending time with the Duke, and to have time to relax. That can't happen right now when I'm in training full time, having test every week until the first week in June and needing time to study. Ah, to be done training, to be smart, and not having to worry about studying. *gulp* That is for another post on another day. ;)

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  13. My husband was always assertive in public, as he is a retired police officer. Sometimes when I couldn't find him in a department store, I would start worrying about him "getting involved in stopping crime." I hated it, when I'd end up having to wait while he got the manager, and then waited for police on duty to pick up some shoplifter he caught. I told him to quit looking, that he was OFF DUTY. Anyway, I have shushed him more times than I can count. He doesn't hide his wishes. I tell him that because he's a little hard of hearing, he can't whisper without other people hearing. He feels it's his job to police other people's children "Hey, Hey.. Quit running, you're gonna hurt someone"... "Take your hat off, Son. Don't you know you are in God's house?"... Right there with the parents there. But he is playful with everyone, life family also. Children are actually attracted to him. One time I was waiting in line at a pharmacy, and my husband was tired of waiting in the car. In came in saying "What is the problem? What is taking so long?" I just walked out of the pharmacy and got in the car. I was more worried about what people thought when I was younger, and I was embarrassed. It shocked him that I walked out. I told him that I wasn't going to stand there while he made a scene. It's a good thing we weren't in a DD relationship then, because he wasn't too pleased. I sure have said a lot to make a point. Anyway... my husband is not really assertive with me. I sorta just broke him of that early in our marriage. Made him wish he had kept quiet. Now, I sorta regret it to some extent. It's hard to say what life would have been like, if he had more control. Maybe better, maybe worse. I just know it's right for us now. It's hard to teach new tricks to old dogs, like us though. I agree with the computer time. It can take away all free time. I don't post much on my own blog, and I seem to over comment on other people's. I enjoy your blog, and your way of writing. Good luck with the changes, may they all be good. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. I am glad you like my blog, thank you. I am always humbled when people read. I feel like I have so little to share.

      Yeah, I would have found it hard too if my husband always got side tracked when shopping. Though, I do see his point. People should have to be accountable for stealing, stores shouldn't need to lose money. And you're right, we can't know what life would have been like if we'd let our husbands lead from the beginning, but at least we're letting them now that we know what works for us. :)

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  14. Hey EsMay

    There are lots of blogs that I read, but don't comment on and lots of blogs that I follow that I find myself not always reading anymore. You will find the ones that speak to you. I would consider though not just sticking to those you talk to often, because your circle will become smaller if you do that. There are as many varying opinions and advice as their are people. BUT what I would consider is not feeling the pressure to comment on every post your friends have. Blogging, in my mind anyway, should not be tit for tat, (not saying that you sweet EsMay have that mindset) Not well he/she doesn't comment on mind, so.....if you feel the urge to comment and add something, do so that day. If not, no biggie, just move on and maybe another day.

    As for those guys at Swiss Chalet, could be they were being jerks, or could be that the person packing the bag was unaware of the 'request' made by Duke. He does seem to be more confident. I would agree, I wouldn't have wanted to be there either with him when he did that, MY bottom wouldn't have faired well ..wink

    love, willie

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    1. Oh wow, I never meant for it to sound tit for tat. :( I am really sorry about that. Have had that happen to me with blog rolls, "add me and then I'll add you to mine". Funny, I never would do it for them. lol I did decide last night that I will try to get to what I get to, and that's that. :) I might miss some posts, but this way on days I have more time, I can get around to more blogs, and if I don't have enough time, I won't feel bad about missing blogs I usually visit. :)

      I told him that I did wonder if the person packing it didn't get to see the order once the food was prepared. They might have just known that ketchup goes in with the fries, and butter goes in with the mashed potatoes. They have always been so nice to us there, and they all know me now, so I doubt it was intentional, and that was a lot of me feeling embarrassed, because they are always so nice to me. LOL, yeah, I'm glad I wasn't there either. My bottom would have been on fire too! lol

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  15. Fear not you didn't make it sound like that at all and anyone who knows you, knows you are not like that. I actually have removed my blog roll due to 'drama'. I hope you get spared that issue :)

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  16. I think the confidence does spill over into all areas of life. They have to be wholehearted--just like us and not be different people in different places.

    Don't worry about the blog stuff. There are so many blogs. LOL, you can see how far behind I am in reading. Sometimes I can catch up and sometimes not. You have to decide how much time you have and how much time is healthy. Nobody can read everything and comment as well.

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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