Tess, over at Rules to Love By, wrote a wonderful post a few weeks ago that has got me thinking about the Duke and I.
She wrote about how hard it can be in a DD relationship at times to tell if you are a Spanko or a Spankno. Many of us are not fans of spanking, and if we are, it's usually the playful, sexy ones. But usually we are not fans of the punishment ones. Many of us dread being in trouble, dread the beating our behinds will get when we tell our husbands of a rule we broke, or forbid, they find out before we can tell them. We hate that we broke a rule, disappointed our husbands, hurt them, made them question our ability to follow their directions, and worst of all, make them question if they are even worthy to lead. We sit, we worry, we don't want this spanking, we don't want to be held down or told to stay in place, we don't feel ready for the flood of different emotions we'll face, and we definitely don't want the pain that at times makes us break down into inconsolable tears, pain so deep we might feel it for days.
BUT... we also want the spankings, we want the reset, we want the break from guilt, we want the realignment that happens in our marriages, the role affirmation, the reminder that our husbands love us too much to let us wrestle with this or that alone, and that after it is all done, we will be sitting in their arms, being loved upon and cherished. We want all the beauty this lifestyle has brought us. We want the closeness we've developed that many of us have missed since our dating days. We want the sense of freedom and playfulness that now invades even the funniest places in our lives. We want the joy we only ever dreamed of before.
So where does that leave us? I made a joke at the time when reading Tess' blog that since I was neither, I would start calling myself a Spankso. But you know what, the longer I think about it, the more I realized this is true.
Before reading her post, I never once thought about if I was a Spankno or a Spanko, I just got spanked, it was what worked for us. But now, the line I meant as a joke really seems to fit me, seems to fit about how I feel about the lifestyle we're living.
This is what I've learned.
I am spanked so the Duke realizes the leadership he has in our home.
I am spanked so the Duke realizes his authority in our marriage.
I am spanked so that our marriaged works.
I am spanked so that we can find the balance in our relationship.
I am spanked so I learn to be submissive.
I am spanked so that I learn to follow the Duke.
I am spanked so I remember to not consider my needs alone.
I am spanked so I can be strong because I find strength in the Duke.
I am spanked so I can forgive myself for wrongs I've done, because guilt often consumes me.
I am spanked so the Duke can remind me I don't have to worry about pleasing others, just him.
I am spanked so that I can break down walls and let the Duke in more.
I am spanked so I can cry when I can't seem to be able to on my own.
I am spanked so that I am shown I don't have to go it alone.
I am spanked so I remember to show respect, to the Duke, but also others.
I am spanked so that I remember to love myself.
I am spanked so that I remember to take care of myself.
I am spanked so I learn to be more safe and act less dangerouly.
I am spanked so that I learn not to take my temper out on others.
I am spanked so I can find release when I am going crazy.
I am spanked so I can find that peace I find across the Duke's lap.
I am spanked so that I can be the very best I can be.
And the list just goes on and on.
I too can't say I'm a Spankno, or a Spanko.
So from now on, if I feel I ever need to say which I am, I'm going with Spankso.
I am spanked so that my marriage works. And that works for me.
I've never fit into a mold anywhere else, why should I now? I'm rebuilding the mold to fit me. :)