UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Don't Care About My Happiness ;)

Thank you to all who eased my worries last night, I cannot tell you how much it meant to me. :)  You are all SO GREAT and wonderful.  Thank you.

So, my thoughts for today are something the Duke and I have stumbled upon, and you probably already know this, so you may find this post boring, but it was a REAL eye opener for me communicating to the Duke, and him getting this lifestyle.

See, the Duke wants me happy, all the time.  My life has been a life of hurts, I was sexually assaulted once as a child, I was physically abused daily at the hands of my mother from the time I was four, I had extreme emotional abuse and have been labled  as having been brainwashed, stalked four times {which if you could see how fat and plain I am, you'd question it too} and tons of other things up until the miscarriage of one child and death of another.  It's just been a hard life, but we've all had hard lives.  I try to let the Duke know we all suffered a lot before now, it seems like the world is out to crush a woman's innocent heart, terrified of it's beauty, so the world destroys it. :(  Why is that?

But because of all of it the Duke wants to always see me happy.  Especially now I feel.  I went after healing with a severe desperation after we lost our son.  Healing from the abuse in my past, the hurt of feeling unwanted as a child, the desperate pain of losing our son.  I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, and suicide was not an option, though trust me, I wanted it to be.  But I got a lot of healing, two counselling groups pulled together to get me 9 free counselling sessions, and with a Christian counsellor to boot.  I talked to my pastor, my husband, my best friends, my mother figure, and people at my church.  I prayed, and did a lot of thinking.  It was a hard 18 or so months, but I needed it.  The PTSD from my childhood is gone, I never thought I had it, and once I was shown I did, never thought I'd fully recover.  The brainwashing still takes hold at times, and I have to rewire in my brain, but I'm making progress.  The anger and hurt at my mom is gone, and now I actually love her.  She is about to come visit for five nights with my dad, and I'm actualy excited.  I still miss my baby, but now I'm happy about another chance at being a mom again.  So most days I'm happy now, but there are some bad days still, but no where near as bad as they used to be.  So I think with all of this progress, the Duke is afraid of setting me back.

And do you know what that means?  When I'm having a bad day, he looks to make me happy instead of keeping me in line and secure in my limits.  He looks to find a way to put a smile on my face instead of addressing an issue.  Even though I'm miserable, and maybe a good spanking could be what helps me calm down, what he sees is that I'm struggling and he doesn't want to make things worse.  Poor guy, I really am a trip to live with. 

So last week I finally was able to put into words what I need.

I told him that worrying about my happiness did not seem to be working.  It was making him walk on egg shells on days I am sad, and that makes me insecure and feels like I can't depend on him as my rock when I need him most.  I feel like I'm in control again, and then I fell really lost and alone, and well, abandoned almost.  So I asked him to instead focus on my well being, and my safety.  I told him those are way more important than being happy, and that with those being taken care of, happiness would actually come more easily.  So I asked him, in any situation, to ask himself what was best for my well being, not what was best for my happiness. 

And you know what?  I was told to take a nap!  LOL  Not one word of a lie.  I was exhausted, I did not sleep well the night before, so as you all know by now, that meant a migraine.  I wanted to play around on my computer, that would keep me happy and distracted, he said no, firmly.  Is it wrong that I found him down right sexy at this point? ;) 

I took my nap and then he was so pleased with my obedience at napping that I was hadnsomely rewarded afterwards. ;)

I don't need the Duke to micromanage me, but I won't lie, there are a few things that make me feel happy and submissive, loved and cared for if he tells me every time to do it.  Mostly, going to bed.  Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but when he orders, not just suggests, but orders me to bed, I melt.  Literally, my heart just goes to liquid in my chest.  I long for those nights that he does that.  I feel so taken care of when he does that.  I don't know that there is anything else he guides me in that makes me feel more submissive, more his, more protected.  There have been a few nights where he's sat with me while I got dressed, and got ready for bed, and that was icing on the cake.  Now, to be honest, I wouldn't want him sitting with me every night, lol, but I do love it when he does it.  And the best?  When he tucks me in.  Why?  I have no idea.  But when he does, I go to bed, all content, sighing almost like a kitten.  That I could have every night too.  I just feel like I'm worth his time, that he takes his job seriously to make sure I'm okay.

BUT, if you'd asked me if I wanted to go to bed, my answer would be NO.  lol  It would not be what makes me happy in the moment if you were to ask.  But once it's done, then I really am happy, and taken care of, and not so tired in the morning so that I have a better chance at enjoying the next day as well.

I also don't tend to remember to eat when I'm sad, or busy, but the Duke will notice.  I don't like to stop and eat when I'm busy, too much to do, it will not make me happy to be told to give up 10-20 minutes to eat.  But it will give me more energy, be less likely to dehydrate me, and keep my sugars {I struggle with low sugars} from dropping too low.  So that in turn, will make me feel better, and more likely to be happy. :)  The key here too, is to not complain when the Duke tells me to stop and do something for my wellbeing.  I don't tend to, but have on occasion, so it's something I really want to be aware of.

I think this is really going to help the Duke out more, and me out more.  I am seeing more and more how I need to be rescued from myself.  I do have bad habits that help the bad days be more sad.  And by recognizing that, I'm better able to help myself, but still need the Duke's help as well as I struggle at times to remember to do what it best.  He really seemed to get what I was saying, it was like a lightbulb went off for both of us.  I can also see him growing in confidence as he sees that I really do need him.  I see him growing in his knowledge of his worth, and importance.  It is so beautiful to see.  I really do love that man.

18 comments:

  1. im glad things are getting better for you and enjoy the visit with family. I'll check out the book thanks for suggesting it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Angel Blue, I really do hope the visit goes well. :) Thank you for visiting my page. :)

      Delete
  2. You know there are good girl spankings too. Let Duke know you need one of those. It's great stress relief and could be just the ticket.

    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I have been thinking about those... I think it's time I brought them up. :) We did do some playful spanking before DD, but it's been a while.

      Delete
  3. This post gave me the warm fuzzies :) Good for you, you should be proud of your personal progress. Duke sounds like he had a deeper understanding of you,thanks great!

    I'm jealous of your nap ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I like warm fuzzies. :) Thank you, Jennelle, it's been less than a year, but it does seem like a long journey, but I look at how far we've come... man, back then I thought I knew it all! lol

      Delete
  4. Aaawww, it sounds like you and Duke are really growing in your relationship. How sweet that he just wanted to make you happy, but I think it's great that you were able to explain to him what you really needed from him and that he stepped up to the plate to give it to you. You have certainly traveled a rough road Es May, but still you continue to move forward. I think that's very brave. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Grace. :) I feel so good about our growth, I did not understand just how deep DD can go, I really thought we knew each other before DD, well a lot anyway. Now I feel we hadn't even scratched the surface. We talk and process so much now, I really like that.

      Delete
  5. I understand what you are saying. When I am stressed....Ryan tries so hard to just make me happy. The more he does that...the more stressed I get. It took a long time for him to realize what I really needed.

    Oh Es May, it is a process. And it certainly sounds like you guys are doing well. Keep communicating. It is really the only way.

    Hugs...

    ~Lucy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was just saying in my comment above about how much we talk now. :) It really is one of the beauties of DD. :) I am glad that you and Ryan were also albe to talk and realize what you really needed. :) The funny thing is, I knew what I needed, but it took so long to process why, and be able to put it into words.

      Delete
  6. I believe once I told Barney, ( after we talked about this at length several times...) " I don't want a wife! Please stop trying to make my surrounding better and do 'my' things when I am not in the right spot". Harsh? Yup. It did sink in though. Well for the most part. He still tries to make me feel better first. Which is a good thing I suppose. Otherwise OUCH!

    So many different layers of communication aren't there?
    love willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Willie, so true, so true. That is something I'm going to have to learn I think, I either let him try to make me happy, or as you said. OUCH! *gulp*

      There are so many layers, it's amazing, and if I'd told the Duke how many, if I'd even had an inkling, he would probably have run for the hills. LOL But now he likes to talk, and I'm finally learning so much about him, and us. :)

      Delete
  7. He loves you , he loves you :) that's why it feels so hot when he demands things.

    Callie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Oh, Callie, is that it? ;) I'll have to let him know. hehehe He did say I was really cute after reading my post... and said absolutely nothing else. lol

      Delete
  8. Hi Es May,

    I smile every time I read here. You have dealt with, and been through so much and overcome a lot. I truly admire your positive outlook and attitude.

    I understand this. I guess it is natural for them to want to see us happy and try to do things to make us happy. I'm so glad you were able to communicate to the Duke what it is you really need in these moments and that he understands this and is giving you what you need.

    Love what you said about him sending you to bed. It is those moments that make us feel loved and taken care of and of course, it does feel hot too LoL. I especially love that he sometimes sits with you while you get ready and tucks you in.

    You have an amazing man there and it sounds as though you are going from strength to strength in your relationship :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Roz. I am honoured that my posts make you smile. :) With all the growing, the Duke still seems a bit unsure of leading, and following through, but with all the break throughs we/he's making, I do not feel it will be too long before he is comfortable being the HOH. :)

      LOL yes, he does not sit with me often, but I LOVE it when he does. I don't know, there is just something very innocent in it all, and I find it beautiful. LOL My friends would probably think he was trying to micromanage me, but he so isn't.

      He is amazing, I'll have to let him know you said so. :) {{{HUGS}}}

      Delete
  9. I too believe my husband doesn't want to add to my pain, therefore isn't so good at holding me accountable. I love that he loves me that way, but I've tried to reassure him, even thanking him for "doing his job" after being punished. I also understand the "go to bed" thing. I would probably stay up all night every night, if there were no expectations, and then be mad at myself and feel bad the next day. Even if I protest a little at the bedtime, I always can't help but smile. It's usually not a "right now", but will be like the next hour or less. We are slowly getting to a DD relationship. I'm sorry that things have been so hard on you, over your life. I don't have a really great relationship with my dad. I had no relationship with him for 10 years, because I had cried way too many tears. I never felt he loved me, because all the bad memories blocked any good memories. He now says the things I always wanted him to, but I have a very hard time trusting him like a daughter should be able to trust a dad. My mom was my saving grace in my childhood. This post of yours really speaks some of my thoughts. I was thinking "Amen" or "Thank you" in reading it. I may copy it and show it to my husband. I will make sure I'm not in trouble when I do. I can't help it.. anything I have him read, I make sure I'm not deserving a spanking when I give it to him to read. Lol. May God bless you with better days ahead, full of smiles and blessings. Love and prayers, -Belle L.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Yeah, it can be dangerous to show husbands articles on DD when you're deserving of a spanking. They don't need anymore ideas at the time. :) I am sorrying that things have been so hard for you with your dad. I totally understand the not being sure if you can trust or not. I love my mom again, but there are still situations where I wonder if it is actually safe to trust her. I hope you will be able to find the right line to walk with your dad so that you can give him trust, but know where to also listen to your inner voice. Thank you for visiting, and for your prayers. :) You have mine as well.

      Delete

Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

Troll comments and spam will be deleted.