UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Communication, It's On Going

Isn't it always inevitable that when you start peeling back layers, one conversation can become an on going one?

The Duke and I were talking last night.  He still seems very unsure of himself at times, and I talked about maybe pulling the DD plug.  I don't want him to always be second guessing himself, I don't want him to always have to wonder if he is doing the right thing, I don't want him always thinking there is a set of rules to follow instead of what he wishes to do.  I don't want to add more stress.  I wanted this to become who he was so that he's just enforced what he felt was important, stuck to what he felt worked, so that he'd have more self confidence, but it seemed like it was actually getting worse.

Well, I'm glad we talked.  He said no to stopping DD.  He said he is getting more sure of himself, which I do generally see, but when he panics, I tend to forget that.  So we talked, and finally worked out that there isn't a set of rules for him.  He should do what he thinks is right, not what anyone else does or says.  There is no right way or wrong way for him to figure this out.  That seemed to really help him out. 

We talked some more, and come to find out, we needed to elaborate more in the "Don't Worry About My Happiness" train of thought from this post.  That train of thought didn't do as much as I thought it would because, unbeknownst to me, he still had the train of thought in his head that "Don't Worry About Her Happiness, also means, Don't Tick Her Off."  Hmm, communication... amazing how much we NEED it!  lol

So we talked.  We talked about the fact that even if I get mad, it blows over quickly.  Like literally, it is VERY rare for me to still be upset 30-60 minutes after I've been angered.  So, we talked about that.  What if he did get me angry, what would honestly be the big deal?  An hour later and you'd never known it happened.  And in the process, I'd learn to get less angry less often, which has already happened a lot since DD.  I'd learn to know when he was serious, I'd know my limits more.  Also, it might be good for him to push and feel some of his emotions.

The Duke is terrified of being angry.  I haven't been able to dig through the surface yet to find out why, but he never gets angry.  I'm not kidding.  He's never once yelled that I know of, never stormed around, never slammed a door, never got a stealy voice, never shot angry darts out of his eyes.  He just does not get angry.  I thought a month or so ago he might have started, but he assures me he wasn't at all.  And to be honest, his lack of anger all the times worries me.  So I'm hoping that in learning to push at me a little, even if he's afraid of my anger, maybe some of his will come out.  I don't want him to be one of those guys that never lets his anger out and then all the sudden blows up one day in a horrible way.

So in the mean time, we peel more and more layers back.  I'm learning things I never knew before, I'm learning to ask questions I never thought of before, and I'm learning to ask open ended questions, realizing before I tended to ask close ended questions.  ie, before I'd ask "So, do you think we should do this, or that?" instead of "How do you feel about this?  Or how do you think we should best do this?"  I'm learning to not guess his motives or intentions, but to flat out ask.  I've learned that assuming really does only cause me pain because I only know what I guess, not what's really going on with him.

I have some more revelations, but I'll share them in another post. :)

22 comments:

  1. Es May,

    We had to do the exact same thing. We are still learning, but one thing he has said over and over is, "this is our life. We need to make this lifestyle our own and it's not gonna look like everyone else." So, we learn what works for us.

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    1. Hey Dana. It's amazing how many times we can forget that, isn't it? We want to start with the basic structure and then grow from there, but we sometimes forget we can do things different. I think the Duke and I might have to continually remind each other of that. :)

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  2. I'm so glad you're both learning what works for you. I still struggle with assuming, instead of asking. Trying to work on that too!

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    1. Oh Jennelle, I know, we don't want to be a bother, and so we don't ask, but then we come to so many misguided conclusions. lol Oh boy, our poor husbands. lol

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  3. I'm glad that you are able to talk about things with the Duke. I have to assume a lot because C doesn't like to discuss things. His usual response to my closed ended questions is "what do you think?" My usual response is "IDK - if I knew I wouldn't be asking you or " I just like to hear it sometimes". I'm going to try using open ended questions -- thanks for the tip. hugs :)

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    1. Oh, saturn, open ended questions is what finally turned things around for us, and I can't believe it took me so long to think of that. It can be so hard when they won't talk back to us, isn't it? It leaves us constantly guessing and confused. :( But I think this is a great way to start the lines of communication if they aren't already open.

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  4. Assume, it's makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. I always directly ask H, it makes it easier and there can be no miscommunication about what thoughts are. There's no guessing either. As hard as people say it is to read a woman's mind, I think it's just as hard to read a mans mind.

    Callie

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    1. I had a very reserved, Christian, professor say that once, and the whole class went completely still. lol oh, Callie, sooooo so true. Reading the Duke's mind is near impossible. :( I may not be able to have my mind read, but I usually share it enough that he doesn't need to try to guess. lol

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  5. Sounds like you're finding your own way. That's great!!!

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. Every time we learn, I'm amazed at how slow we can be, but we are finding our way, and I think to do it faster wouldn't work for us. :) I'm loving the communication to get there. :)

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  6. Sounds great. Open ended questions are the way to go. It forces more than one word answers.

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    1. Oh sunnygirl, so very true. I just wish I'd realized this months ago, heck, years ago. lol

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  7. Making the mold to fit you as a couple and not trying to fit in to someone else's mold :)

    You guys are doing good :) best way to go x

    Hugs x

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    1. It's funny how often, Missy, we as a couple have to remind ourselves of that. I hear you say that, and think of all the posts I've said that on... and boy, we're still learning to make the mold to us... we'll get it right at some point. :)

      And thank you. :) {{{HUGS}}} It's good to be told you're on a good path.

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  8. Very good stuff Es May. I like your open questions...gonna try that. :)

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    1. I hope that it will work for you, Susie, as well as it's seeming to for us. :) And I hope we keep growing in it.

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  9. Barney is like Duke in that he doesn't get angry. I have seen him frustrated at times, with the boys,(well one in particular) and mostly because he has angered me. He has said some pretty wonky stuff to me too like, " I don't want to spank you when I am angry,(um can't tell here Barney) but when its over, I'm not angry anymore and I don't want to spank you" HUH? LOL.
    TTWD, while they see the benefits of it, is still such a difficult thing for some men to grasp. How by spanking us, it brings down walls, and also diverts emotions from going under to come to a head at a later time. Then again, we can't always understand it ourselves.
    I too have been guilty in the past about thinking Barney doesn't want/desire/need ttwd. I have been TOLD I am not to 'do' that anymore. After all nothing kills their confidence faster than our lack of it in them- and by that I mean, "this must be too difficult for them" talk about control! LOL

    Ah the dreaded 'c' word- communication, rears its 'ugly' head again LOL...and is the victor!

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    1. That is so true, I am really working on making sure I don't kill the Duke's confidence. LOL Kind of glad when communication rears it's head, we always end up closer because of it. ;)

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  10. This is a great post Es May, I think it's wonderful you guys communicated so well and learnt some things in the process. love your open ended questions too. I must remember that! LoL

    You are so right too. As Rick always says to me .. it is up to him to lead our relationship his way and according to what works for us. Not how others think it should be done.

    It is a constant learning curve isn't it? It sounds to me as though you guys are doing a good job learning what works for you and I see growth every time I read here :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Oh, open ended questions has changed everything. :) That Rick is a smart man, he says so many good things. :)

      And thank you, I felt for such a long time that we weren't going anywhere, now... *GULP* HUGE strides. lol But it is good, just a lot to take in. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  11. Hey Es May and Duke...Just remember that TTWD is just like when you got married...two people make vows and are joined together as husband and wife but then each couple lives according to what is best for them! You two decided to incorporate TTWD into your marriage and will do so in the way that is best for you.

    Hang in there...from what I've read, you two are doing great.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat, that really means a lot to me. {{{HUGS}}} It really is like starting marriage over again. :) I want to teach premarital counselling classes someday like we took... I just wish I could share this... but to be honest, I'm not sure how well we would have done in the beginning with this, because even though we loved each other, we needed a higher level of trust I think. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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