UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Sunday, August 18, 2013

A Lie And A Spanking

I don't feel myself today.  The last few days have been hard.  Usually lately I am on my own, a lot.  Sometimes I can go several weeks without seeing anyone but the Duke.  But this week my parents were here for five nights.  They left on Friday, and I spent the day with my best friend and her fiance yesterday.  Today our old pastor was at church, we met in the park for service, and we had a picnic/potluck afterwards.  I've been surrounded by people for 7 days now.  And I have learned one very important thing.  I don't know how to be around these people anymore. 

I think it came to a head yesterday.  I met my friend at her house so that we could take her car on the 30 minute drive to visit her fiance.  We had talked last year about Domestic Discipline, but I told her we wouldn't be practicing when she hated the idea, and to be honest, that was what I thought was the truth, I hadn't yet really talked to the Duke about it, or hadn't at all at that point.  She told me flat out it was next to wearing a ball gag all day.  Well she's noticing me being more obedient to the Duke, notices I'm more happy, and commented on how glad she was.  And then, she point blank asked me "But you don't let him paddle you right?  I know last year you talked about Domestic Discipline, and I don't like it.  So you don't let him punish you, right?"

It's the only secret I have from her.  I mean, I don't talk to her about our sex life, or anything that intimate, but other than that, she knows everything else about me.  But she is drastically opposed to the idea of DD.  So when I talked to her about it last year, I just played it as something I was studying, as I'm always studying about marriage, to see what we should be doing, what I can store away that might help others, and so on, so it meant nothing to her for me to come to her with yet another idea I was processing through.

But yesterday, I hated it.  She would be very upset with the Duke if she ever found out he punished me.  She'd be down right livid, and her fiance would probably take a chunk out of the Duke if he found out. :(  So I couldn't even look at her, but said "No, he doesn't paddle me."

I don't lie.  I hate it.  It eats me alive.  And all the sudden, I can't be who I am anymore around everyone.  I have a secret, a secret that is blessing us so much, but I'm on guard, so afraid I'll slip and say something that will let people know and have them attacking the Duke.  I don't care who knows on one hand, but I care what might be done to the Duke, how he might be judged, ostracised.  I really want people to look up to him.  So, I admitted all this to the Duke, and he said I wouldn't be spanked or punished for the lie, because he knew I did it to protect us, and because I didn't have his permission to talk to her about it.

I have fought my whole life to have the freedom to be me, and now I feel that part of that is gone.  For the first time in a long time, I have to sensor what I say.  Though I did talk a few times to my dad, and to two people at church about how I'm learning to be submissive, and people really liked that.  So I did find some freedom in that.  Dad really liked how happy I was, and he said obeying one's husband can be a really good thing.

There are other things going on in my head, but I'm not sure I can put them into words.  I guess I just feel disconnected.  Hopefully that will pass in a few days. :)

As for today, I sit on a very sore bottom, from yesterday.  Because of something in my past, if I read or see something that is too graphic in sexual detail, my mind goes to a dark place, and fast.  I have to be really careful then of what I take in or else when I'm trying to be with the Duke, those images and ideas come into my head, and I'm no longer just with the Duke, but all that other stuff too and then I feel the bond fizzle.

I've been reading DD romances, mostly Nattie Jones.  I find she does talk about sex from time to time, but it's very basic.  A few lines and then that's it.  None to very little detail.  No pages and pages on a sex scene.  But I've read most of the ones I can find of hers, well, there are a few more, but right now I can't afford $8 for her more expensive books on Amazon.  So I've been trying to look around at other authors, but can't seem to find any that are really good, but leave sex either out, or just skim like Nattie Jones does.  So that means a few times when I tried to find books like that, I read more detail than is good for me not realizing how quickly those scenes go further than I can go.

So, I broke down and admitted it to the Duke.  This is a serious thing because it really can hinder my ability to bond when we are intimate, and that is VERY DANGEROUS for our marriage.  Try as I may, if I've seen or read something I shouldn't have, it will come back to mind constantly for days no matter how hard I fight it.  So the Duke gave me a spanking, a hard spanking.  I admitted that I needed him to stop telling me he understood, stop telling me he knew I didn't go in looking for books like that, and I needed him to tell me he was disappointed in me, and remind me what this could do to our marriage.  He spanked until my bottom literally turned into leather.  Um... has this happened to anyone else?????  I was worried it'd never go back!  It took over 12 hours as it was. 

I know this all must sound stupid, most people don't have this issue, in fact, I've never heard of a single other person that does... but because of it, I try to be careful.  So for now, I'm going to stop looking for other DD books, they're just too much of a risk right now.  I'll reread again the tame ones I have, and be satisfied with those.  Though if you know of good authors, or good books, that either don't have sex scenes, or when they do, they're very basic with little to no detail, I'd love to hear about them.  Most  anal play, spanking scenes, discipline, they don't send me to that dark place, and I do like an alpha male with some good spanking/discipline scenes.  I also don't like magic.  But aside from that, if you have any good books to suggest, I'd love to hear them.  Have a week and a half off, and I'd love to read a few new books. :)

24 comments:

  1. Oh Es May, I understand about being so very careful about what you say to whom. One of my friends put me in the position of having to explain that I had to ask for permission from the Man. It was tough. I also know what you are saying about things invading your mind. I am sorry you got a spanking, but maybe it will help you avoid things that will not be good for you both.

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    1. Dana, it can be very hard to be on guard, can't it. I think it's wonderful that you look to the Man, and wish more couples did, DD or not. And I am REALLY HOPING the spanking helps keep my mind in a good space. :) Thank you. :)

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  2. my best friend doesn't know anything about dd and i can never tell her. she would never understand. i mentioned it last year too, and the response was insane. "are you out of your mind?!" and i immediately got my back up and said, "ohhhh it's totally crazy! i was just looking at it!" and then made up a story and said i saw it online somewhere. what a mess. so i totally get you on this. the thing is, it's none of her business and you need to protect what's important to you.

    as for the books? i've read all of Patty Devlin's books and i think you'd love them. have you tried hers out? i'll look and see if i can find others because i've read tons and all the ones i've read have very little sex in them. :) i'll email you my list. :)

    hang in there. you're doing just fine. sorry about your bottom tho. that's tough. (haha)

    hugs sweetie,
    m.

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    1. You are right, even though so much of my life, I share, this isn't her business, and I guess that does make me a bit sad, because it makes me feel a bit distant from her, but it is just between the Duke and I. And thank you for the book ideas, can't wait to check them out. :) LOL Yeah, Maryanne, my butt was tough. lol Thankgoodness it's back to normal! lol

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  3. It is so hard with friends you are used to sharing so much with. Most of my friends would NEVER understand and think I had lost my mind. It is a price most of us have to pay for the great rewards we are gaining from this lifestyle.

    Take care ;)
    Betsy

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    1. Betsy, you are right, and I would never trade the good we have now to not have to keep the secret. :) It would never be worth it.

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  4. Hey Es May...I am so sorry your friend put you in that spot...I have to wonder about her. She sees that you are happier and commented on how glad she was about that but then turns around and basically accuses "But you don't let him paddle you right? I know last year you talked about Domestic Discipline, and I don't like it. So you don't let him punish you, right?" As if you can only be happy if you're living your life according to her beliefs.

    Sorry...it really bothers me when people who claim to be friends basically pass judgement if you are not living according to their 'standards' rather than agree to disagree.

    Sending you and the Duke lots of prayers and positive energy!

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. You know, Cat, I hadn't looked at it like that. The point should be the results, now how we get to them. As long as we aren't hurting anyone else, then the point should be that we're so happy now. I have to admit, it's one of the very few times in almost 20 years, that I have felt judgement from her. Thank you. {{{HUGS}}}

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  5. My heart sank when I read about what your friend said to you. I would be devastated. I hope one day you will be able to share with her and not be judged :(

    Callie

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    1. Thank you, Callie, I really hope so too. Her question floored me, and I was totally surprised by it. We had only talked about it once or twice last year, so it suprised me she remembered, guess it bothered her more than I thought.

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  6. Hmmmm this is a difficult one Esmay. Lying to a friend about something so personal that she shouldn't have been askin in the first place, make sense??? This I find is as personal as asking a friend if they let their man do oral sex or something along those lines.

    I don't tell my friends about our dynamic, people where I live would never understand and my close friends, well they would just put it down to a kink and forget about it. But it's still OUR thing, mine and Balu. What we do behind close doors, has nothing to do with anyone. People do notice something's, like his best friend comments on about how he wishes, his wife would listen to him, I like I listen to Balu, but we just don't comment on things.

    It's our secret, if you want to call it that, it's personal to just the two of us. Even in my blog, I don't tell the whole story of my life, I pick what I want to share, the same as many others do. You can still be yourself and believe in the thins that are important to you, without having to share every detail with others.

    I'm sorry about the books, I really don't have any recommendations on DD books, I have to admit, I don't read that many of them and the ones I have, are a little bit saucy lol I hope you find some good books :)

    Hugs x

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    1. Missy, sometimes you read my mind. :) I was actually thinking along these lines a hour or two after I posted this. Being spanked over my husband's knee is about as intimate as when we're sharing each other. I don't share about that, and so it goes to show I wouldn't share about this. We never talk about our sex life because we were warned in premarital counselling that doing so can let other people into your marriage in a way you don't want, and take the intimacy out of it. So it goes to show this might be the same way. Thank you for helping me ground myself in that belief. {{{HUGS}}} LOL I wish I could read saucy without trouble, then I wouldn't have been over the Duke's lap for the hardest spanking I've ever gotten.

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  7. Hi Essay,
    I look at DD like sex. It's a very intamite act between my H and I. My best friend knows we have sex but she doesn't know or needs to know the intimate details. Well DD is the same, she has noticed that Rog is in charge and that I do submit to his final decisions. But she doesn't know the intimate details, like spanking.
    Hugs,
    Kim

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    1. OH, Thank you, Kim. I was just saying to Missy that I totally agree. I would never describe what the Duke and I do for intimacy, and so it makes sense, that since this is just as personal, I would not share this either. Thank you for sharing this, it helps firm my resolve on it. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  8. Hi Es May,

    I too am sorry you were put in the position of having to lie. You have some wonderful comments above and I agree with everyone else. It really is none of your friend's business and for what it's worth, I absolutely think you did the right thing under the circumstances. My heart sank too when I read her comment to you.

    None of our friends or family know about our dynamic, although I think they probably get that I defer to Rick. It is so hard not being able to share this with people you share almost everything else with.

    I'm sorry about the books and the spanking :(

    Sending you huge (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz, everyone has been so supportive, as they always are. :) I probably can never say it enough how much I value you all. And thanks, I'm going to be more careful in what I read, so that my bottom and I can stay friends. ;)
      {{{HUGS}}}

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  9. I'm so sorry your friend was so judgmental, I would have backed off too, just to protect my husband. I've mentioned submission to some of my friends, but not DD. I'm sorry for feel like you have to lie, I just look at it a secret to a happy marriage.

    HUGS

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    1. Jennelle, I think that's where I'll draw the line too, talk about submission, and stop. :) Everyone seems so glad to hear about my views on submission, so that seems safe for now. :) And you are so right, it is a secret to a happy marriage. {{{HUGS}}}

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  10. Here is my take. To you you lied. I know that is difficult for you- but really what you DID do is give her the answer she wanted to hear. She worded the question in a way that she TOLD you what answer she wanted to hear from you. I'm not sure if that helps or not, but unfortunately that is all I have.

    I don't lie, but I take NO issue with lies of omission when it comes to protecting anything I love. My love of my family, my children and my husband is strong enough that I will do whatever it takes to protect us. I know yours is as well, so you must concentrate on that positive protective feeling, as opposed to the glimmer of negativity that you have to use to maintain it. I think of getting the kids vaccinated.. I hate the pain they experience but it is for their own good. Your friend doesn't want to know this about you. She may very well have her suspicions but she knows her limitations of understanding too. OR think of Santa! LOL. I lied for years to my kids if you will. But our lives were better for it!

    I guess what I am saying is, you have to find a way to categories this. Yes, you lied if you will, but think of it as 'not telling the truth' for her own good as well as yours. Think of the anguish she would have,and the unnecessary worry for you, because she doesn't understand.
    love willie

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    1. Oh WOW, that makes perfect sense. I never thought about it, she did line me up for what the answer had to be. I feel so much better after talking with you all, it really is just me protecting the Duke, and the special thing we have going, and it is okay to protect it. You know, I do think she has her suspicions, and never thought about the fact that she might not be able to handle it... that puts things in a whole new perspective for me. Thank you, Willie. :)

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  11. Hi Es May, I hope you don't mind me commenting, I thi8nk you did right to lie, I don't lie either ever, but I think I would have in this case , . I am sorry but it really really is none of her business and you need to protect yourself here. I have read loads of books, I like Renee Rose, and she has a gentle free one out on blushing books at the moment. I like Patty Devlin too and Maren Smith, the list is endless. Like you I occasionally get one that strays too far for me, enough to turn you vanilla isn't it? lol
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Oh Jan, never worry about commenting here, I'm so glad that you did. :) And thank you for easing my fears about the lying. It is hard, but it was done to protect something very precious to me, and that helps when put into perspective. LOL yes, some books are enough to turn me vanilla, but I have heard Patty Devlin and Maren Smith named a few times, so I'm going to check them out. :) Thank you. :)

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  12. Well Es May, I may differ in the fact that I think a lie is a lie...not matter why or what...but at the same time I would have done the same thing. Sigh. This is by far the most frustrating thing about dd for me. As Christians we are to be authentic and vulnerable...and dd makes me feel like I am living this secret life...which in essence we ARE. I hate lying to friends whether by commission or omission. I get that it is necessary-- that people won't understand .. But it is still HARD. Hugs!

    As for books...I really struggle with this as well. I love dd fiction. But while I don't struggle for the same reasons...most are just more than I am comfortable with. But as for some "clean" stuff ;) check out Patty Devlin's books and Dinah McLeod's new books. They are all great and clean! :)

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    1. Oh Cole, you have no idea how much I agree. My best friend was over again last night, and I almost told her the truth. I am always honest with her, and authentic, and it seems so weird now not to be. But I'm going to keep thinking of this as a part of our intimacy, and just not talk about it I think. :)

      Oh, never heard of Dinah McLeod, I'll have to check her out. :) A few people wrote and suggested Patty Devlin, so she's next on my list to get, and I think I have enough of my gift card left to get all three of her books in her first series. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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