I don't feel myself today. The last few days have been hard. Usually lately I am on my own, a lot. Sometimes I can go several weeks without seeing anyone but the Duke. But this week my parents were here for five nights. They left on Friday, and I spent the day with my best friend and her fiance yesterday. Today our old pastor was at church, we met in the park for service, and we had a picnic/potluck afterwards. I've been surrounded by people for 7 days now. And I have learned one very important thing. I don't know how to be around these people anymore.
I think it came to a head yesterday. I met my friend at her house so that we could take her car on the 30 minute drive to visit her fiance. We had talked last year about Domestic Discipline, but I told her we wouldn't be practicing when she hated the idea, and to be honest, that was what I thought was the truth, I hadn't yet really talked to the Duke about it, or hadn't at all at that point. She told me flat out it was next to wearing a ball gag all day. Well she's noticing me being more obedient to the Duke, notices I'm more happy, and commented on how glad she was. And then, she point blank asked me "But you don't let him paddle you right? I know last year you talked about Domestic Discipline, and I don't like it. So you don't let him punish you, right?"
It's the only secret I have from her. I mean, I don't talk to her about our sex life, or anything that intimate, but other than that, she knows everything else about me. But she is drastically opposed to the idea of DD. So when I talked to her about it last year, I just played it as something I was studying, as I'm always studying about marriage, to see what we should be doing, what I can store away that might help others, and so on, so it meant nothing to her for me to come to her with yet another idea I was processing through.
But yesterday, I hated it. She would be very upset with the Duke if she ever found out he punished me. She'd be down right livid, and her fiance would probably take a chunk out of the Duke if he found out. :( So I couldn't even look at her, but said "No, he doesn't paddle me."
I don't lie. I hate it. It eats me alive. And all the sudden, I can't be who I am anymore around everyone. I have a secret, a secret that is blessing us so much, but I'm on guard, so afraid I'll slip and say something that will let people know and have them attacking the Duke. I don't care who knows on one hand, but I care what might be done to the Duke, how he might be judged, ostracised. I really want people to look up to him. So, I admitted all this to the Duke, and he said I wouldn't be spanked or punished for the lie, because he knew I did it to protect us, and because I didn't have his permission to talk to her about it.
I have fought my whole life to have the freedom to be me, and now I feel that part of that is gone. For the first time in a long time, I have to sensor what I say. Though I did talk a few times to my dad, and to two people at church about how I'm learning to be submissive, and people really liked that. So I did find some freedom in that. Dad really liked how happy I was, and he said obeying one's husband can be a really good thing.
There are other things going on in my head, but I'm not sure I can put them into words. I guess I just feel disconnected. Hopefully that will pass in a few days. :)
As for today, I sit on a very sore bottom, from yesterday. Because of something in my past, if I read or see something that is too graphic in sexual detail, my mind goes to a dark place, and fast. I have to be really careful then of what I take in or else when I'm trying to be with the Duke, those images and ideas come into my head, and I'm no longer just with the Duke, but all that other stuff too and then I feel the bond fizzle.
I've been reading DD romances, mostly Nattie Jones. I find she does talk about sex from time to time, but it's very basic. A few lines and then that's it. None to very little detail. No pages and pages on a sex scene. But I've read most of the ones I can find of hers, well, there are a few more, but right now I can't afford $8 for her more expensive books on Amazon. So I've been trying to look around at other authors, but can't seem to find any that are really good, but leave sex either out, or just skim like Nattie Jones does. So that means a few times when I tried to find books like that, I read more detail than is good for me not realizing how quickly those scenes go further than I can go.
So, I broke down and admitted it to the Duke. This is a serious thing because it really can hinder my ability to bond when we are intimate, and that is VERY DANGEROUS for our marriage. Try as I may, if I've seen or read something I shouldn't have, it will come back to mind constantly for days no matter how hard I fight it. So the Duke gave me a spanking, a hard spanking. I admitted that I needed him to stop telling me he understood, stop telling me he knew I didn't go in looking for books like that, and I needed him to tell me he was disappointed in me, and remind me what this could do to our marriage. He spanked until my bottom literally turned into leather. Um... has this happened to anyone else????? I was worried it'd never go back! It took over 12 hours as it was.
I know this all must sound stupid, most people don't have this issue, in fact, I've never heard of a single other person that does... but because of it, I try to be careful. So for now, I'm going to stop looking for other DD books, they're just too much of a risk right now. I'll reread again the tame ones I have, and be satisfied with those. Though if you know of good authors, or good books, that either don't have sex scenes, or when they do, they're very basic with little to no detail, I'd love to hear about them. Most anal play, spanking scenes, discipline, they don't send me to that dark place, and I do like an alpha male with some good spanking/discipline scenes. I also don't like magic. But aside from that, if you have any good books to suggest, I'd love to hear them. Have a week and a half off, and I'd love to read a few new books. :)