UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Fixing Bedroom Connections

Well, when you open up a bag of worms on your husband one night, you might as well wait for the rest to come pouring out over the next few days.  Things you might not even realize you still had to deal with.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in the past… but I have a really hard time connecting during intimacy.  Three things really seem to get in the way. 

1.  I was abused as a child, to what degree we don’t know.  I only remember up to the point of it starting, and then I can’t remember.  My chest closes up, I can’t breathe, and I just can’t remember.  I tried to tell myself I made all this up in my head, but when I finally admitted it to my dad twenty years later, he said he’d known for years I’d been abused that way, but he didn’t know when or how, or even if he should force me to talk about it.  He asked me to tell him what I did remember.  Once I shared what I did recall, he told me he remembers the family get together it happened at, one of those ones where everyone’s kids are running around, and you think everyone is looking after your kids, and that all the kids are safe.  The man I describe was there, dad says.  It was the only time we met him, and it was around the time I describe.  My uncle was around 16, and the guy was a friend of his, so we guess he was the same age.  It shouldn’t have any power over me, especially since I can’t recall all the details… but for some reason it does.

2.  When I was an early teen, trying to figure everything out, I got reading more than I should have.  By the time I graduated high school I had a mind full of sexual garbage, and it got even worse in university.  I had a flat out lust addiction, one that I have to make sure does not return, even to this day.  There are things I know I can’t read or watch because they’ll tempt my mind back to that dark place.  But sadly, sometimes those stories or even scenes from movies will come back into my mind in the middle of intimacy, and once it’s there, try as I might, they won’t leave.  They just replay over and over in my mind like a nightmarish record.
 
3.  I don’t feel pretty.  I am overweight.  I am short.  I don't like my body.  All the larger women I know have a nice endowment of cleavage, I don’t have much at all, and when I lie on my back, look like I have none.  I feel like a man in bed.  I feel fat.  I feel inexperienced.  I also feel stupid for my reactions, and am always trying to hide my face.  I know I have grown in this… because the Duke was with another woman just one time before we met, and I used to always worry I did not compare to her, that I wasn’t as good at intimacy as her, and felt even uglier and fatter, but thankfully, for some reason or other, those worries are no longer here.  Now to get rid of feeling fat and ugly in the first place.  Wearing dresses for him has helped a bit, but I’ve still struggled.  I guess a lot of it is that the Duke is not an initiator.  It just isn’t something he does, and it’s made me feel very unattractive that I’m the one always asking.
 
So… I calmly… *cough*  *cough*  told him how I felt.  Okay, Okay I yelled, I cried, I just felt like a failure as a wife.  {I ended up spotting later that day, so maybe it is PMS???  Though with my erratic cycles, who knows.}  So I didn’t feel like I could attract the Duke, and and I was mad at myself as well, even if I could attract the Duke… I wouldn't be able to connect, for some reason I CANNOT just let myself be in the moment, I can't. I have tried, I can't... and I've hated it. HATED IT.

Well, let me tell you, the Duke found the cure the last two days for both of us. He decided to be completely alpha male in the bedroom.  We’d tried a few times in the past, nothing came of it.  But the past two days, he initiated, and then I was to completely submit to him. Yesterday started with a spanking to remind me who was in charge.  Then he would give orders, reminded me who I belonged to, force me to look at him, and on and on. There wasn't a minute he wasn't keeping my attention, and let me tell you, WE CONNECTED, both days, but today especially. It was wonderful!!! I've been praying and trying for years to figure out how I could really connect with him, really, deeply, and figured I was just broken and it was never going to happen.  I was really feeling a failure as a wife, even after all the ways we’ve grown in DD.  Even with intimacy growing with us in so many ways, and frequency, I still felt disconnected, like I was watching what was happening, and not experiencing what was happening.
 
I know, this may not stay this way, the newness may wear off, but for now, I'm going to enjoy, and be so thankful that at least for now, we're connecting, fully.  

I was going to say that maybe all this sounds a bit stupid and idiotic probably, but when the Duke read it, he said he didn’t want me calling it that… he doesn’t like me putting myself down at all anymore, nor my ideas….  But I guess I feel it is… I have not really heard of others that go through this… but maybe it’s something others don’t talk about, or maybe I’m the only one that has ever struggled with this… either way… it’s been an issue, and I’m glad to see a solution making it’s way into our hands.

I don't know that this is really a DD post or not... but it's what we're facing today.

Duke, your patience ASTOUNDS me.  I keep wondering when you’ll reach the end of it, but you never do.  Your rope must be endless.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

16 comments:

  1. What a sweet, thoughtful and honest post. I'm so glad you connected and hope you can continue to enjoy that.

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    1. Thank you, Leah, it wasn't easy to write, but it was honest. :)

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  2. Hey Es May...First of all, who said that you can only write about DD? This is your blog and you can write about whatever you want!

    Sweetie...I don't know one single person in blog land that is perfect...we all have issues...past, body, self-esteem, weight, etc. Maybe you just haven't looked around enough or haven't visited a blog during the 'right' post.

    I am so very happy that you and your Duke connected as you did. Now listen to me...don't go borrowing trouble! Who says the 'newness' will wear off and then so will the connection! It may change and become deeper...ya ever think about that? ;)

    Keep listening to your darlin' Duke...do not put yourself down. You and your ideas are valuable to him and to our community.

    Sending lots of positive energy your way.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. LOL, well I do know we all struggle, but not sure I've heard anyone that struggled with this. And I promise, no borrowing trouble. :) I'll enjoy this, just as it is. :)

      Thank you Cat, for everything, you are always so encouraging.

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  3. Hi Es May, what a wonderful, honest post. I agree entirely with everything Cat said. You are definitely not alone in some of these feelings and it is not the least bit stupid or idiotic.

    I am so glad you and the Duke connected. Try not to over think it or assume the newness may wear off ... you never know. Enjoy the connection you have :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you Roz, I will totally enjoy the connections and not worry about the possibility of it wearing off. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  4. Es May

    You are doing so beautifully. I hope you keep connecting with your Duke more
    and more. Such positive steps you are both taking. Love how complimentary
    of him you are. Praising your husband, submitting, learning new things about
    each other... sounds like a wonderful DD example to me.

    love
    sara

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    1. Thank you, Sara, I am trying to be a good DD wife, and still learning. :)

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  5. Es May, I'm so glad Duke has found a way to help you with the intimacy issues. Intimacy after abuse is so difficult! I just recently admitted to a blogger my past and the abuse I experieced. Something about ttwd brings things to the surface that were buried so deeply and, I thought, neatly away. I don't know if you've dealt with any of that issue in therapy. If not you might think about pursing that avenue. It's a lot of painful yucky work but it can help you see yourself and what happened more clearly. Likely Duke would be a huge supporter in the process. Luke was my rock when I finely decided face the issue head on. He was the one that held me all night after a painful session. Turned the light on at night when his touch scared the hell out of me. And let me know I was stronger than the title "victim."

    Blogging is a great way to get lots of different perspectives on an issue and this community is fabulous! Keep writing about the hard stuff.I think you'll get what you need out here. Clara

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    1. Clara, I had no idea how many things really would be brought to the surface, but it is good I think, it's allowed me more and more healing. I did got to therapy when we lost our son, not since, but I might look into it again, but want to see first how much we can work through, the Duke has been so amazing, I didn't know he had all this in him, and I'm so thankful. Thank you for being so open with your sharing, it really means a lot to me. {{{hugs}}}

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  6. Hi EsMay, what a brave post. I don't think it matters what you write about, it's a free country. I am always whining on my blog so..... I somehow don't think the Duke sees you as you see yourself and it sounds like he has crackrd it in the bedroom. I say keep on having fun
    love Jan.xx

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    1. English Rose, thank you, I didn't feel brave, but still felt I should write the truth. Hehehe, we will try to keep having fun. :) It's always better to anyway. :)

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  7. Hi Es May,

    I am so sorry that you had to experience such things, but I am very proud of you for how far you have come. The Duke is definitely your guradian angel so keep on letting him guide you! Remember to take good care of yourself, because it is such a great self to take care of!

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. George, I'm going to start calling you my Little Complimenter. :) I often will tell the Duke after I get one from you that a gentleman said such and such about me, he's starting to guess I always mean you, lol. :) Thank you for your kind words. :)

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  8. Es May, I'm with all the others. This is a really powerful post that is sure to speak to everyone. Thank you for the courage and honesty it took to write it.

    Hugs,
    Sadie

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    1. Thank you, Sadie, it was not easy, but I felt I needed to share about where I really was at. {{{hugs}}}

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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