I have a major headache... maybe that is helping blow everything out of proportion... or maybe I really should feel as angry and hurt right now as I do.
We have been insanely busy, with no time to get the things I need to done. Then this weekend I was going to have some time, and my body crashed, hard. I don't know what happened, I couldn't even use my legs. :( I guess I should see a doctor about this, it's the second time this month my body did a full out crash after exhaustion.
So last night, I was scrambling, I had to wrap the presents for the Duke's family, I had to cut his hair, I had to hem his new tux pants for the wedding this week, get clean clothes to pack for him. Things I'd planned to do in the week when we got storm stayed away for two nights. Things that I really had no time to do now, but had to, and I was doing it all for him. So I was up until one in the morning while all he had to do was sit still for a hair cut.
We have had days of freezing rain, and I asked the Duke last night if we were all shovelled out, he said yes. I told him we needed to leave by 8:50 this morning, and could he please go and start de-icing and heating and scraping the cay by 8:30. He said yes.
I woke up at 6:30 with a horrible headache, not a migraine, I've never had a headache like this before. I decided to get my cat bathed then since I couldn't go back to sleep. I had to bathe him today anyway, he's diabetic and will be staying with a friend over the holidays, but her brother who is visiting is allergic. We find if I bathe my cat first, he's less likely to cause allergies.
So I went back to bed after at around 6:45, my head just throbbing, and asked the Duke if he'd remember to be out at the car at 8:30, he was already up and at the computer. He said he would.
I woke back up at 8:37 with the Duke JUST THEN coming into our room to get dressed for the day. I had my alarm set for 8:40 so that I'd just have ten minutes to jump into clothes and take him to work. I was coming back home after, so I would shower and do all that when I got back. Well, he couldn't find the keys, then had me look everywhere for them, only to find them in his pants that I had to ORDER him to go look for because he was so sure I had them.
We didn't get to the car until 8:49, one minute before we were supposed to leave with literally half an inch of ice, over the whole car. I was livid at him, and the driveway was NOT shovelled like he told me. My head was still pounding, and I had to shovel hard and fast, I had to POUND at our car doors and windows to get the ice off. The garbage he is responsible to take care of was still not out, he feeds the cats in the morning and gives our diabetic cat his needle, he hadn't done that either. He also needed to get gas because with my tennis elbow and tendonitis, and being so short, I can't reach in and get the lever in our trunk very well to release the gas door, don't ask, it's a horrible system. :( Needless to say, I had to get the gas on the way home.
He had been up for over two hours before he had to go out to the car... why hadn't he? He had no answer but to say he was sorry, over and over like a chant. Have I ever said how much I HATE THAT. Hate it, who wants a husband stepping aside while things need to be done and chanting, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry?
I literally almost passed out three times from the intense pounding in my head while I shovelled and chopped at ice. I wish I was exaggerating to you. We HAD to get him to work on time so that he gets paid for having tomorrow off. If he was late, he'd lose his holiday pay.
I feel so hurt. My head is still killing me. I have not been able to let go of the hurt and anger, I never hold onto anger, I don't know that I've ever been angry more than an hour. Well now we're at four hours, and I still could have a go at him if he were here, which I did do in the car while driving him to work. I have been working my butt off to get things ready for Christmas for weeks, that was the only thing I asked of him. The only thing. It hurt even more because he knew how much pain I was in when I was up earlier this morning, and because he knew how much we need his holiday pay this month to make ends meet.
I just, feel a promise was broken, feel lied to, feel unwanted and unworthy. I feel like it didn't matter that I was in pain, that I've been working my butt off, that I've done so much to help him out. I feel like, he was punishing me for daring to ask him to do this one single thing to help me out. He told me once I don't trust him with doing things on time, so it was REALLY hard for me to do so on this one, that is why I did a double check this morning with him, and did it very nicely and respectfully. Once I did that, I refused to set my alarm to get up and check that he'd do it. I refused to ask him again about it, I refused to check up and make sure he kept his word. He promised, I was going to take him at his word...
Please ladies, I need your perspective, because right now, I'm so very hurt, and I'm sure the pain in my head is not helping me process. If any of you have any advice, or point of view so that I can see this differently, I will welcome it. I just... can't believe how hurt I am over this one thing... I shouldn't be... right? Things have been going so good... I shouldn't let this hurt me... but it does...
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
14 comments:
Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)
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Aww, Es May, I am so sorry to hear how badly you feel. I do hope your headache will go away soon and please do check with your doctor regarding your legs... Do you think it could be your blood pressure? Anyway, healing prayers for you. <3
ReplyDeleteRegarding the Duke... with so much going well lately between the two of you it is easy to start to put our guys up on a pedastool so to speak (as an aside, I wasn't sure how to spell that word and when spell check offered me an alternative it said toadstool!!! lol)
There is probably no real good reason why the Duke didn't do what he said... maybe he was absorbed in blogland and didn't realize how much time had passed? In any case, you were let down and you were hurt. You love how amazing it's been and how he has stepped up for you, I imagine this felt like a step back in some ways.
Take time to cool off and talk (respectfully) to the Duke about how you feel.
hugs and love
sara
Hey there, so I think my legs is due to stress, and is easing up now. :) I did what you suggested, and took time to cool off, and then talked to him. It was a great talk, both admitting where we were wrong, and apologizing accordingly. Thank you for the advice, it really helped. {{{hugs}}}
DeleteThis happens- the deep hurt, after a very good stretch with all of us EsMay. Things that normally wouldn't bother us for long, in your case apparently and hour *wink* seem to wound us deeper than they should because the place you were at together was a long way up. A few months ago this might not have had the lasting effect it has had on you today.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I am most certain that all of those feelings you have, are not what Duke intended when he 'forgot' to do as you asked. As difficult as it is, try and put yourself in his shoes. I don't mean find and excuse for why he didn't do what he said he was going to, but more, how would you feel if he was that angry with you for messing up? How would you feel if he was so focused on the mistake that you made? Also how do you think Duke is going to feel when he knows that he has made you feel more than 'just' angry?
I know it isn't easy. I try so hard to see Barney's side when things like this happen. But you have to. Then you will have to calmly explain to him how his actions or lack thereof made you feel, and explain that that might not have been his intention, but that is how you felt.
The holidays and the brutal weather we have all been experiencing lately, has added strain. I am sorry that the old saying, what comes up must come down applies to ttwd more often than not, but this is merely a blip. Don't let it ruin your holiday. Focus on all the wonderful things HE has done in the past week.,(even if you have to squint to see them..lol). Focus on the positive.
Merry Christmas!
willie
Willie... that was just what I needed to hear. The moment I read your comment, and I was still very upset at that point, it completely floored me. I don't know that I've ever been upset, and when I took your advice, I realized, if the Duke was even ever half that upset with me I don't know what I'd do... I'd panic, freak out, and just die inside at the thought. Thank you for making me think about that, it made the fire die in an INSTANT.
DeleteI was then finally able to see his side, and look at the good. Thank you so much for being so honest with me, I so needed it. {{{hugs}}}
I can totally understand how you are so hurt right now. Normally I say "chill out" it wasn't deliberate, but today I'm saying, "he broke a promise and he hurt you". Time and an apology in his behalf will be the only way this can be fixed ;)
ReplyDeleteCallie
Thank you, Callie. The apology, and a long talk about the whys and what he was thinking brought us back to a good place. You're right, it did hurt, but thankfully things are good again. :)
DeleteYou know the good thing about TTWD is it makes us so much more open to feeling our emotions. The bad thing about TTWD is it makes us so much more open to feeling our emotions. Though this process we come to feel like we don't have to control everything and we can depend on our men more. In fact, we come to depend on our men so much more than we ever did before we started this ride. It's not a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is with that dependence comes expectation. This new vulnerability makes it so much harder to deal with when they let us down. It's especially hard when you feel like you've made a ton of progress, and are now starting over. The thing to remember is you aren't in the same place you were at the beginning, and you aren't going backwards. You are just going. I know that is hard to believe and can be so much harder when you are in pain or stressed. You have to focus on the positive and though it's hard be as open to letting him make it up to you as you were with trusting him in the first place.
As to what you are feeling, I'm going to offer you what my therapist told me when I expressed something similar. The things people do that make us feel bad are never about us, and the way we react is us projecting our own story onto the situation. What you have to ask yourself is , "Is that true?" The Duke didn't set out to make you feel that way. He loves you. He would never want you to feel unworthy or unloved. The best advice I can give, and I know how hard this is better than anybody, take the events at face value. Don't add to the story. He made a mistake. Simple as that.
I know holidays and pain can be stressful and make everything worse than it really is. Focus on the positive and the progress you've made. Enjoy each other and think about how much better everything will look on Christmas morning.
Merry Christmas,
TL
OH TL, it is so true, about projecting our story onto the situation. When you wrote this, I had no idea what that meant, but something the Duke said that night put all this into perspective. I think he's going to write a post about that in the next day or so, so I don't want to say too much about it and ruin what he has to say. :) Thank you for everything.
DeleteAwe Es May, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt and also in physical pain. I hope the headache goes soon and yes, I do hope you see your doctor.
ReplyDeleteAs the others have said, I understand the hurt feelings. TTWD does seem to make the highs and lows more intense. Especially when something like this happens after a period of things going so well and feeling so connected and it can feel like a step back.
Talk to him and let him know how this left your feeling and accept his apology. I hope you are able to put this behind you and enjoy the holiday together.
((Hugs))
Roz
Thank you, Roz. It was hard, but I did accept his apology and his explanation of what happened. And thankfully we were able to put this all behind us and have a good Christmas. :) {{{hugs}}}
DeleteHey sweet Es May...sorry to be late to the party and don't have time to read everyone's comments so hope I'm not duplicating.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I am very sorry you have such a horrible headache...that makes anything and everything worse!
I really don't think the Duke neglected to do what you had asked in order to upset or harm you...it sounds to me as if he got sidetracked on the computer as we have at times.
Does this mean you shouldn't be angry and/or hurt and/or disappointed...no. You have every right to be any and/or all of those...DD does not mean that we put aside all "negative" emotions, we simply learn to convey they in a respectful manner. In other words...it is fine to say something like "you really disappointed me this morning when you neglected to do x, y, z ...especially knowing how sick I was." But it is not fine to scream or name call or belittle. Does that make sense?
Es May...you definitely need to see a doctor. Please call your doctor first thing Thursday morning and make an appointment for asap! Oh and you know how to reach me if you need to.
Duke...you very much blew it and owe your sweet wife a huge apology. Part of being an HoH is taking care of you wife and doing what is in her best interest. Having her shovel ice...especially with a sick headache was really not taking the best care of her.
I know you will both work this out and Es May, I know you will find it in your heart to forgive the Duke.
Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way.
Hugs and Blessings...Cat
Thank you, Cat. You know, I am not sure the Duke has ever heard anyone stand up for me before. They're always standing up for him... it meant a lot to both of us to hear your words. :) Me especially... it made me feel very special and worthy of being championed. Thank you. {{{hugs}}}
DeleteDuke, if you want to wear mantle of HOH, then you have to take on the responsibilities too. You messed up and own Es May and big apology. We all make mistakes and you defiitely owe her one or two. Step up.
ReplyDeleteEs May - as Cat said get thee to a doctor and let the disappointments go. It's over and holding on to it will do no good for anyone.
Let it go and enjoy a blessed holiday.
Thank you, Leigh, he definitely did apologize and has been working at being a good HOH ever since. :) And I have let the disappointments go, and am so glad they are gone... you are right, holding onto them would not have been good.
Delete