I have to admit, I have a very hard time going in for a spanking I did not know was coming. Sometimes the Duke will come to me with the pocket paddle from Blondie's in his hand, and patting it against his other open palm, and I will have no idea why. I want to tell you that I submit, and crawl over his lap like he asks.
But if I told you that, it would be a lie. When the Duke comes to me like this, I panic. I can't breathe, and I can't climb over his lap. It has taken me a long while to figure out why, but a few weeks ago I did, and even mentioned a brief part of it on one of your blogs, I cannot recall which at the moment, sorry.
To tell this, means telling some of my past... something I told myself I'd never do again on my blog as I feel I've bored you all enough with the details of my growing up... but to sort through all of this, sadly, it means a trip back in time. I talked to the Duke about it tonight finally, but became emotional... and feel I need to sort it out here.
Please know that I have forgiven my mother my past, my father as well. But I still need to process a part of it in order to heal. When I was younger, my mother did not want me. She made my life as hard as she could. She is quite a bit shorter than me, and once I started being able to fight back against her physical abuse, she started telling my father lie after lie of things I had done, that I had not so that he would take me to task.
Many times my dad would spank me, for reasons I'd never know. He would just tell me when I asked that I knew what I had done, and to never do it again. The one that still haunts me to this day is when I was fourteen I believe, and I hadn't been spanked for a few years. I came home after school at 3:00 in the afternoon quite sick. I saw no one as I climbed the stairs to my room. I was so ill that I fell straight to sleep. I knew of nothing else until around 6:00 in the evening I was woken to my dad flipping me over in bed and started spanking me. He wouldn't tell me why, he just kept telling me over and over that I knew what I had done. For some reason, whenever I recall this day in particular, I feel lost, unsettled, fear, unloved even, and quite small. Maybe it was just because I was sick, and that leaves me unsettled too, I don't know, but it's something I wish I could forget.
I've realized all this is the same way I feel if the Duke all the sudden announces a spanking without explaining why. All the sudden I'm that fourteen year old girl again. I'm uncertain, I feel I've done something wrong, and I don't know what. I feel unworthy, I feel fear, I feel being unwanted, I panic, I just need to know what I did, even if I didn't do it, I need to know why I'm there so that I can get through it. I didn't even need to tell the Duke this. As soon as I started to talk about being panicked when he'd spank me without saying why until we were into the spanking, he realized right away what it was, and voiced it for me. I could see the lights go off for him. Which is good, because I all the sudden couldn't speak. My throat swelled and tears flooded my eyes. I felt so stupid for having this fear, and there he was, understanding.
So he agreed, from now on, no matter what, if a spanking needs to be done, we will talk first about why it is happening. Whether it be punishment, stress relief, role affirmation, maintenance, what have you, I will not climb over his knee and then be told. We will talk about it first. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He could have chided me for still having something linger from my past more than twenty years ago, but he did not. He just pulled me to him and told me it was okay.
I still have to process this more, I want to heal from this and reach a day where I don't panic when he asks me to climb over his lap without explanation. I trust him, I really do, and so why this feeling comes over me I don't know, and it really bothers me that it does. But in the mean time, it means so much to me that he'll take the time to make sure I'm emotionally in the right place to begin a spanking before I even climb over his lap.
This could have all gone so bad, I am so thankful he listened... er... I guess spoke since I really couldn't do much of the talking myself. But I am so thankful he understood when I couldn't talk.