UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Spanking, Important Conversation, Tears, and Solutions

I have to admit, I have a very hard time going in for a spanking I did not know was coming.  Sometimes the Duke will come to me with the pocket paddle from Blondie's in his hand, and patting it against his other open palm, and I will have no idea why.  I want to tell you that I submit, and crawl over his lap like he asks. 

But if I told you that, it would be a lie.  When the Duke comes to me like this, I panic.  I can't breathe, and I can't climb over his lap.  It has taken me a long while to figure out why, but a few weeks ago I did, and even mentioned a brief part of it on one of your blogs, I cannot recall which at the moment, sorry.

To tell this, means telling some of my past... something I told myself I'd never do again on my blog as I feel I've bored you all enough with the details of my growing up... but to sort through all of this, sadly, it means a trip back in time.  I talked to the Duke about it tonight finally, but became emotional... and feel I need to sort it out here.

Please know that I have forgiven my mother my past, my father as well.  But I still need to process a part of it in order to heal.  When I was younger, my mother did not want me.  She made my life as hard as she could.  She is quite a bit shorter than me, and once I started being able to fight back against her physical abuse, she started telling my father lie after lie of things I had done, that I had not so that he would take me to task. 

Many times my dad would spank me, for reasons I'd never know.  He would just tell me when I asked that I knew what I had done, and to never do it again.  The one that still haunts me to this day is when I was fourteen I believe, and I hadn't been spanked for a few years.  I came home after school at 3:00 in the afternoon quite sick.  I saw no one as I climbed the stairs to my room.  I was so ill that I fell straight to sleep.  I knew of nothing else until around 6:00 in the evening I was woken to my dad flipping me over in bed and started spanking me.  He wouldn't tell me why, he just kept telling me over and over that I knew what I had done.  For some reason, whenever I recall this day in particular, I feel lost, unsettled, fear, unloved even, and quite small.  Maybe it was just because I was sick, and that leaves me unsettled too, I don't know, but it's something I wish I could forget.

I've realized all this is the same way I feel if the Duke all the sudden announces a spanking without explaining why.  All the sudden I'm that fourteen year old girl again.  I'm uncertain, I feel I've done something wrong, and I don't know what.  I feel unworthy, I feel fear, I feel being unwanted, I panic, I just need to know what I did, even if I didn't do it, I need to know why I'm there so that I can get through it.  I didn't even need to tell the Duke this.  As soon as I started to talk about being panicked when he'd spank me without saying why until we were into the spanking, he realized right away what it was, and voiced it for me.  I could see the lights go off for him.  Which is good, because I all the sudden couldn't speak.  My throat swelled and tears flooded my eyes.  I felt so stupid for having this fear, and there he was, understanding.

So he agreed, from now on, no matter what, if a spanking needs to be done, we will talk first about why it is happening.  Whether it be punishment, stress relief, role affirmation, maintenance, what have you, I will not climb over his knee and then be told.  We will talk about it first.  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.  He could have chided me for still having something linger from my past more than twenty years ago, but he did not.  He just pulled me to him and told me it was okay.

I still have to process this more, I want to heal from this and reach a day where I don't panic when he asks me to climb over his lap without explanation.  I trust him, I really do, and so why this feeling comes over me I don't know, and it really bothers me that it does.  But in the mean time, it means so much to me that he'll take the time to make sure I'm emotionally in the right place to begin a spanking before I even climb over his lap. 

This could have all gone so bad, I am so thankful he listened... er... I guess spoke since I really couldn't do much of the talking myself.  But I am so thankful he understood when I couldn't talk.

38 comments:

  1. Dang it Es May...got me crying here...but they are happy tears. You have a very special man in your Duke! So very proud of both of you for working through something so painful. You do realize that you are healing a bit more each day dontcha sweetie. ;)

    Sending lots of positive energy your way.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. You know, Cat, I am starting to see it. I'm not as healed as I thought, but the point is, I'm still going for the healing, and someday I'll be ahead. :)

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  2. I wish could just fly over to Canada now and give you a huge Hug! Instead, I'm ok with the fact that I know the Duke is doing a superb job of holding you :)
    You're such a strong and beautiful person.

    Callie

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    1. Thank you, Callie, and you are right... he is doing a great job of holding me. :) I was so afraid to ask for a hug, and it was great that I didn't even need to ask him.

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  3. I have a love/hate relationship with ttwd for this very reason. It has us remembering things from our past in a whole new way. It allows us to see how those past experiences have formulated much of our present. It is often so brutal until we find out the reasons for these feelings.

    My hope for you EsMay is that by figuring this out, and putting words to it, you will be able to walk away from those feelings some day. I know for myself this has happened a few times now. Soon the walking will become great strides, with strength in every footstep.

    I am sorry that you had to feel this way for so long, but you won't for much longer. You may even get to a point where you can get 'surprise' spankings and feel fine with it someday.

    Self reflection and new strength, such a wonderful gift from ttwd!
    love
    willie

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    1. Oh Willie, you are right about brutal. This past year has been hard whenever these surprise spankings would show up, and I just could never figure out why. But this also gives me hope that some of the other areas I struggle with will make themselves known to me in time too so that I can address those as well. :) Oh, I hope you're right, it would be wonderful to make strides, and then not even need warning in the future. :) I have loved hearing about your big steps, and can't wait to make some of my own. {{{hugs}}}

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  4. Es May

    I hardly have words for what I want to say... I can't even breathe
    right now. I just want to say I love you. Can that be enough?

    ((((hugs)))) sara

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    1. Saying I love you is always MORE than enough. :) {{{hugs}}} Thank you, Sara. And I'm truly sorry if this post upset you.

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  5. Es May I think you should keep writing about whatever it is you need to get out. Processing where we come from and how our experiences shaped us is so important to understand who are right now. Without that knowledge it's pretty hard to move in the direction we want to go. I pulled a post because it felt more like journalling than blogging about DD. But now I wish I had left it there. It's part of who I am. I think we need to understand a bit about each other out here so we know how to best support and encourage each other!

    So glad your loving Duke saw your past and found a way to comfort that scared fourteen year old girl. Once that obstacle was recognized and addressed he could use the knowledge to recreate a loving and safe place for his cherished wife!

    Hugs to you, Clara

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    1. Thank you, Clara. :) I do still want to talk less about my past, but I do see what you guys all mean too. I need to see the past, learn from it, to be able to work on the future. And reevaluating what happened when I was younger does not mean I am stuck in the past... I'm figuring that out just today... it just means I have to know what happened to know what to do from here on in... Clara, I almost cried when you called me his cherished wife... I have never thought of myself that way, it hadn't even occured to me to try... but now I see in how he's grown this year, that that is exactly what he has started treating me like. Thank you for saying that. {{{hugs}}}

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  6. Big Hugs!!

    I think it's great that you're processing everything, giving your feelings a voice, and sharing with your husband, That's all necessary for growth, and that's what you're doing growing and becoming stronger. Please don't ever forget how strong and beautiful you truly are. HUGS

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    1. Thank you, Jennelle, I am trying to grow, and it's kind of cool that you think I'm growing stronger, I really hope I am... I won't lie, I do struggle finding myself beautiful... probably another symptom from my past I'll have to look into, but I promise, I will work on it. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  7. Oh so glad I found you again! Darn it girl! I had a whole comment written to your post the other day and your blog vanished before I hit publish. Glad you're okay.

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    1. I am okay, had to hide quickly as I sent an email to my church by mistake from my account linked to my google+, and several people have google accounts, so didn't want to risk them finding me. I didn't find out until the next day my mistake, so I even moved the blog in case they found it and tried to go back again. :( I am so glad you found me too! :)

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  8. Es May, this was a great post. It makes sense that you would feel panicked at those unannounced spankings because of what you experienced as a child. That's post traumatic stress. You're doing a great job of processing it all and you have a wonderful partner in your Duke to help you in the healing process. Good for you that you were able to communicate to him what you were feeling, he listened, and made the necessary adjustment.

    ((Hugs))

    Sadie

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    1. Thank you, Sadie... I am glad it makes a bit of sense why I panic. I have beaten myself up so much for not being able to submit to these spankings, but now knowing why, I can start working on it. Oh, you are right... I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had not understood. {{{hugs}}}

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  9. Oh EsMay Hugs!!! I can sort of relate..not in the physical sense, but my mother did much of the same in an emotional abuse type way. I am so glad for you that the Duke has listened and is meeting you where you are! Hugs!

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    1. Cole, {{{hugs}}} Thank you. Oh, I've learned the hard way that the emotional abuse is the hardest, it was a pastor that pointed this out to me almost three years ago... I underplayed it. But it is huge. {{{hugs}}} I'm sorry that because of that, you understand. Oh, the Duke has been so great, I don't deserve him, but am glad he's been here.

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  10. Oh Es May, I am sorry It has taken me a few days to find your new blog and to read your previous post. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to read it earlier and provide some support to you.

    I just want to echo what the others have already said. I hate that you carry this pain with you and agree with Cat, you are healing a bit more each day.

    This post made me both cry and smile at the same time. It is so wonderful that the Duke understood what was happening and provided reassurance and a plan going forward. You have such a wonderful man there Es May. Keep trusting him and leaning on him when you need to.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Oh Roz, you always provide me support. {{{hugs}}} Whether through comments here, or your beautiful emails, never feel you missed an opportunity to. :) Oh, Roz, you know, you are a key person who helped me see how much the Duke does love me, and how much he has grown, I really needed those nudges as I wasn't seeing it all before... and I'm so glad you did, that man loves me more than I ever dreamed... I don't know how I got to be so blessed, but I thank God that He gave me the Duke. :) And thank you for all the times you nudged me to see it. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  11. I'm so sorry you had to endure such a painful childhood, and you are amazing for being able to forgive and let it go and also identify how it affects your life still. So glad the Duke understood and you were able to get this figured out. Big hug.

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    1. Hello Renee, thank you. :) I would love to believe I'm amazing, but the road to forgiveness was long and hard... and I did not do very well on it for years, in fact there were a couple of years I would not allow my family to contact me at all while I processed. Thankfully now we are very close. {{{hugs}}} and the Duke has been great... I just, am so thankful he did understand.

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  12. I too am so sorry about your painful childhood. Glad you can forgive and sorry you can't forget. Sorry, I don't remember, but have you ever broached the subject with your parents. If not all, especially the one you remember most vividly. I think it may be cathartic.

    In the meantime, glad that Duke recognized your concerns and will help you along the way.

    Hugs to you.

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    1. Actually, Leigh, I did talk to my dad about it, I think it was last year, but maybe it was two years ago. Anyway, he does not remembered, and it really bothered him actually. I don't doubt that he doesn't remember that one particular time, because there were so many. He has started seeing now though that my siblings and I were telling the truth about so many things with my mother, and he has done what he can to keep me safe now. My parents visit me because it's on my turf, I have not been home in over twelve years now, and dad explained to me a few years ago that there has been no invitation because he's honestly afraid of what mom would do if I was on her turf. He believes she would act as she does at our place, but because of the proof of the past, and the abuse I went under, he is not willing to test it out and have me further hurt. That actually means a lot to me. It sounded so weird to me at first, but now I see he really is worried about my well being.

      And thank you, I am glad he recognized my concerns too, especially since I lost the ability to speak at that point. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  13. I always know why I am getting a spanking. But the hardest thing for me is when it comes to punishment spankings, there is no specified number of swats, no specified time, no specified length. Its very hard to pull my jeans and panties down to my knees (he insists on this) and no further. It hard to turn over his knee with that dam belt or hairbrush in his hand, not knowing when its going stop, or how many I am going to get For punishment spankings it doesn't really began until after I am crying, so he says. It usually starts off slow and hard. Than after I began crying, he does a very long, very hard flury with no pauses between swats. He doesn't stop until I am a complete mess of cathartic hiccup crying. He lets me up and I instinctively arch my back, clench up tight rubbing and hoping up and down. But once I stop hopping, he holds me until I stop crying. I just hating doing that dance though.

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    1. Well, no offense but its the "not knowing" that makes it a real discipline spanking. Not sure what others think or what you did to get one. But if you chose to submit yourself to it, not knowing how many you are getting sounds like its half the mental battle of allowing yourself accepting and no resist to it. That's the way it with me when my boyfriend of 2 years gives me a discipline spanking. He does tell me either. He spanks me until he thinks he made his point, I am often crying hard too. So, its the not knowing that is what makes its real spanking, its what you signed up for, of you agreed to it that is!

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    2. A agree with the first reply, that's what a real spanking is, there is no specified number, it continues until you are crying freely past the point of fight and flight. The spanking stops only when the spanked decides it over. That's the way it is between my wife and I. If I have to stop and spanking her good, it doesn't stop until I determine. Now it doesn't go on forever but from her perspective it does because its goes on longer than she wants it too. But that is what a real spanking is about. Its what you signed up for.

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  14. How do you differentiate between "Discipline Spanking" and "Punishment Spanking.? With my HoH Boyfriend there a big difference.
    I don't get either one until I've already received a maintenance or warning spanking over a the same subject. But after, that I get a discipline spanking. After two of them on the same subject I get a punishment spanking.
    Discipline Spanking: No warm-up spanking, no safe word, uses an implement usually a belt, hair brush or switch. Its a high number of specified swats 60 plus but normally does go over 100. But from the very beginning its as hard and fast as possible and does let up in intensity until he reaches that specified number. But it over quickly but painfully. Sometimes I am crying and sometimes I'm not depends on my emotional state.
    Punishment Spanking: Always starts with a long hand warm-up, no safe word, uses an implement usually a belt, hair brush or switch. Its unlimited number of swats, it stops at the spankers discretion. Usually, I'm in a bawling, sobbing mess of cathartic crying.
    What do you think? By the way, I do that spanking dance too even after a hard hand spanking.

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  15. My girlfriend lied to me big time one time, she felt so bad she asked for a good hard spanking until she was completely cathartic. She made me promise not to stop until she was sobbing like a child. I told her I would if she would submit to it and there would be no limit on the number of swats. She agreed and pulled her jeans and panties down and put her over my knee, I spank her good until it hurt my hand. She did this cute little spanking dance. She arched her back, stiffened like a board, rubbing her backside, hoping up and down, hollering, and turning about. It was so cute and I got so turned on watching her do it but she wasn’t crying. Then I removed my belt as she lay over a couch. I started off slow but very hard. I knew she was at her pain limit when she started to bucking, clench and unclenching involuntarily, gripping the blankets, pushing her face into a pillow and biting like crazy in attempts to muffle her screaming; that’s when I laid into her with fast and hard swats, no pauses between swats, until she was absolutely sobbing beyond words. She was hiccup crying, like when she was a kid. She never lied to him again and thanked me for helping her with her guilt.

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    1. I do that spanking dance too for my husband when he spanks me. Sometimes I do it on purpose because he like to see it. Other times, I do it instinctively because he spanks so dam hard and fast. I get spanked with my pants and panties off not just pulled down. When he spanks me, he is always the one who decide when it stops.

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    2. "no limit on the number of swats. .fast and hard swats, no pauses between swats, until she was absolutely sobbing beyond words" I seriously doubt any woman would or could bring themselves to submit to this kind of punishment. The spanking dance you described I also seriously doubt, that's function. I don't a adult would do that spanking dance as you described.

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  16. Here's a great story. . . http://www.fantasies.com/fetish/no-physical-sex/spanking-my-friend-and-neighbor/

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    1. Read your story and it gave me an idea. I got the idea of a back scratcher. I recently had to give my wife a hard punishment spanking today. I told her to get the back scratcher, the one that we bought at Wal-Mart. I must say, I was rather impressed with it when I applied it to her bare bottom. She was starting to reach back after the ten swat, she was squealing, clenching and kicking. However, some of this is normal because for discipline spankings, she gets no warm up, and I always spank in rapid fire successions. But I was very impressed of a simple back scratcher can be used as a implement for paddling.

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    2. Here an interesting story http://www.symtoys.com/whispers/?p=429

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  17. Just about two weeks ago, I accidentally clipped my boyfriends motorcycle just enough to tip it over. I felt so bad and he was so upset I agreed to take a real spanking (no specified number of swats, no specified time limit, no warm up and no safe word) bare ass with whatever he decided to use. That's what he calls a real spanking. It took him at least three days before he was calm enough to give it me. He never touches me in anger. I have only gotten a few of these in our three years being together.
    I pushed my pants and panties all the way down to my knees as he asked me too. He picked up a bamboo backscratcher he got from the dollar store. I laid over his lap and he placed it on my backside. He waited for at least a minute and out of no ware just tore into me. He used the flat part of the handle and literally paddled the living daylights out of my bare ass hard and fast with rapid fire whacks (no pauses between swats) from begining to to end. It went on on for like forever. He didn't stop until my entire reer end was welted from the tops my cheeks to my upper thighs.
    When he finally let me up I was crying out of control and I did that embarrassing spanking dance. I arched my back, pushed my hips forward, flew my hands over my ass and started rubbing fanatically as I was hoping up and down and turning about in all directions. He said he got so turned on watching me do that spanking dance performance.

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    1. "no specified number of swats, no specified time limit, no warm up and no safe word. .bare ass hard and fast with rapid fire whacks" Now that is a real spanking, was that really a true story? I'm not sure that a adult could really surrender herself to submitted to a "real spanking" like that could they?

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  18. Here's a story based on a true story. . . . www.symtoys.com/whispers/?p=429

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  19. I have major controlling issues. I always want to be in control. Than, I fell in live with Brad. We been together 2 years. We been involved with DD for about a year now. The thing is that I have a very high pain tolerance. I have struggle with control especially with my Brad. There are times when I've earned punishment spanking. I trust him explicitly with all my heart. I've never cried during or after a spanking but I've been topping from the bottom. Even for punishment spanking, I have and use a safe word all the time, I always want to know how many I'm going to get and I tend to stand up on the inside and mentally count the swats until he reaches the specified number. For punishment spanking it sometimes goes as high as 60 the last 20 are a flury (rapid fire) but that what I told him I couldn't to take anymore than that in a flury, which isn't true. But I do hate flurry swats. He always respects my boundaries but than, I still feel bad. I know I can a lot more and than some but I don't want to give up my control. Secretly, I want to give it all up, I just want just once go past my pain threshold and spank me until I'm bawling, secretly I don't want to know how many, I want it to keep going until I am a sobbing mess of emotional release. But I'm to much of a control freak. Sometimes I don't even like myself inside. If I give it all up, I won't know how many I getting, I won't have a safe word to stop it when I want, but its also what I want. I want to be in control and I don't, aren't I a mess. I know it will hurt like all get it but I wouldn't be standing up inside towards him anymore either. I feel really bad inside. Am I making sense? What should I do?

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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