Well, this past week has been a bit off, and I'm feeling the effects of it today.
Monday night was a four hour drive in the dark, and that always stresses me out. Except that this time it was really dark. The pavement was dark, the trees were dark, the sky was dark, and it was really hard for me to see the highway even with my brights on. After over half an hour of this, I was very excited to see a car come up behind me and pass me. I find in the dark I can follow a car with a lot more confidence. If I let them get 10-15 seconds a head of me, I can see with their headlights as well that there are no animals or objects in the road. I can tell in plenty of time if the car hits any ice and swerves so that I myself can miss it. But there was only one problem in following this car. My husband and I have a rule. I can go 6m/10km over the speed limit, but that is it.
I am not saying this rule we have is right, or wrong, but it is the rule we have agreed upon. The reason we have agreed to this, is because in talking to different police officer friends of ours, we have learned that around here the speed limits were purposefully put at 6m/10km under what is a good driving speed because they know everyone will go the 6m/10km over, and people are not allowed to be charged while doing this.
But when following this guy, he was going 12m/20km over the posted speed limit of 70m/110km. Let me tell you, I freaked myself going that speed, but I did so for half an hour because there was literally no one else on the road. I admitted to my husband how fast we'd been going when I finally decided I couldn't keep up with the guy in front of us any more because I was too freaked out. But this was Monday night, and tonight will be when I am punished for it.
It was stupid, I really should have just been okay going way under the speed limit and driving at the speed needed for how well I could see, but I was wanting to be done driving so bad that I drove dangerously, not only putting my life in danger, but my husband's as well. My husband wanted us to ge to our destination as quickly as possible to see his family, but he did not once suggest that I should speed. I disrespected him not only in breaking a rule, but in putting his life at risk. That is never okay. I feel so bad now that I have put it into a proper light. Then I was only thinking about getting to his family quickly, now I see how reckless that was.
I wasn't nervous until today. I was supposed to be punished on Wednesday night once we were back home, but my husband was tired and didn't do the spanking. Last night we were visiting friends, and he was tired. The friend we were visiting does not have good hearing, and we could have gotten away with it. So today I'm feeling the inconsistency... and praying I can let that go during my punishment. I really pray as well that my husband will follow through tonight.
I hate that I broke the rules, but I also feel a bit disoriented in our relationship right now because that has not been dealt with. I feel a bit that how he feels is more important to him than me. But I then have to admit... that is exactly the mindset I must have had to have driven so fast the other night. Who am I to let it bother me if I'm just getting the same treatment back that I gave him? I think this is also made worse because he was too tired on Sunday to do the maintenance spanking he had talked about the night before, so I already was feeling a bit disconnected. Am I built all wrong to feel this way? I hope that now that he's had a few good nights of sleep, we can get over him being too tired. I hope to sit down and talk with him about what we can do to better establish punishments when he is that tired, and maybe how to avoid him getting that tired as it's hard on him to be so.