I Finally Cried!

I feel like a school girl. I honestly do, in a VERY good way.  If you read two days ago, you know I was having real issues connecting mentally during a spanking.  So yesterday my husband tried the new bath brush, and it made all the difference. I believe prayer did as well. But I also believe it was the warm up.

Because my husband has only been comfortable with giving up to 30 spanks at a time so far, we have not practiced a warm up before. But yesterday, my husband did a warm up. 20 spanks. But then he did about 15-20 with the bath brush in total, 3 were quite hard, and I was really surprised at their intensity. I literally started to cry, it was great, he then said two more, and we were done. But it was too quick. The starting to cry and being held was great, but I feel like I needed a longer cry. We have decided to try it again today and have him go a bit longer once I start crying.  These are maintenance spankings, pre prep spankings... or whatever you want to call it.  Just a trial run with the bath brush before I really need a punishment spanking with it.  I have had a few punishment ones with his hand, or spoon, but even without the new bath brush we thought it would be good to have a maintenance one before the holidays and I deal with a lot of family and the stress of being around so many people at once.  And if I can get to crying more today than yesterday, I really think it'll be a good emotional cleansing. 

Talk about the son we lost always comes up with this group of family, I really love them, but since we lost our son, it has been really hard to be around them.  Especially a niece who no one thinks to calm down the questions from, and I'm never sure how to ask her to back down, so I always try to change the subject, usually without success.  So I really think this emotional cleansing will be great so that I'm relaxed going in, and hoping that will make dealing with the stress easier.

Sitting here, writing about it... I do wonder if the warm up made all the difference instead of the object we used.  My husband talked to me more, and his soft touch after the warm up helped keep me grounded and in the moment.  But the talking, we didn't really talk during the spankings before, but this time, he talked all the way through the warm up.  He also encouraged me through the actual spanking.  When I started to make noise because of the pain, he told me I was doing good, and that I was okay.  I think that helped me connect with him as well.  Since yesterday,... well it was so great that I've been looking at my husband like a silly school girl every since. That connection, crying in his arms, feeling sheltered by his hold.  It was just great.  I feel so much more love for him all the sudden, I feel giddy!  I feel so dependant on him, and all the sudden like he's the hero in my world.  I've been looking like an idiot with googly eyes at him, and he just looks at me, smiles, and chuckles.  Let's hope this tames down a bit before we visit the in-laws!  lol

I can't wait to see how we grow.  We opened our Christmas cards to each other today before we see all the family, and his card said he feels so much closer to me since we've been starting DD in the past month.  I always worried he'd never welcome in this type of lifestyle, and there are still some issues that make me wonder if it'll stick, but for now, I'm so happy, and so is he.  I plan to stay in it for the long haul, and pray he does too.  Right now he's very optimistic, but I still sense a bit of hesitancy from him.  But hoping it goes away. :)  And soon.