If you remember, about a month ago I shared a line that helped save my marriage. And thank you to everyone who commented, we felt very supported. :)
"Once Does Not Equal Always". Is a line that perhaps did not save my marriage like the other, but it definitely helped change it, and any marriage I have shared this tip with, vanilla and DD, D/s marriages, people in person, and friends out in blogland.
So where did I get these absolutely wonderful words of wisdom that I will explain in a minute? Well, from a slots game of course. :P This one is called Rome & Egypt from Jackpot Party. The woman, she looks sweet, submissive, calm, obedient, and to be honest, maybe just a bit nervous. Ah, a place I've heard Doms and Hohs like their subs and tihs to be. ;) That girl looks like she's about to be spanked. ;) Look how she's nervously clutching her stomach, and she may even be a little bit frustrated. ;) The man, he looks strong, in charge, determined and focused. She IS his. When their reels come up together, he looks like he's looking at her with pride, and a look of "you better behave". And that fist, yeah, she's so getting spanked. lol I know, silly, really silly, but I loved it, and is what it reminded me of every single time. :)
They're slots, so sometimes you win big, and often you lose big, way bigger. I played this game when I needed to relax, but not think. When I'd win big, sometimes I'd raise my bet (not real money, just play money) hoping to win more, and lose all my winnings. It annoyed me, and sometimes made me angry that I could win a million, and then proceed to loose a hundred million time after time, some nights it was not the relaxing tool I'd hoped. I felt the game was rigged. Way To Go, EsMay, of course the game was rigged. Augh. Once in a while I'd keep winning, but it was rare, usually it was the one win and I'd go broke trying to get another. One day I told myself. Stop. "Once does not equal always" and to not expect to keep winning just because I had once.
The Duke and I were in a very bad place before DD. I was invisible. We'd come home each night, eat in the living room doing different things, and the Duke would get on and play video games. He'd come to bed a lot later than me, and then be too tired in the morning to communicate.
Then we started DD. And the Duke really tried, but I still had so much hurt and anger to deal with. There were times he'd do something he'd done in the past that would really hurt me all over again, like ignore me one night, not talk to me, do something he knew annoyed me. My first words would be "Why! Why does he always do this?" But he didn't. Not anymore. His times of hurting me were getting less severe, happening a lot less often. He REALLY was trying. And that is when I realized I had to start quoting the line I used in the game. "Once does not equal always." Just because one night he acted like his old self, didn't mean he did on the whole, or that he would continue to.
I could have let those moments that still hurt me, rule me. I could have railed at him and tore him down and become a real horrible wife. But that was my issue. He was making progress. I couldn't expect him to become a new man over night. So, I decided to do the right thing. To count those nights as off nights. Not make a big deal about them. Not make him feel that I was waiting to pounce on every single thing he did wrong. He didn't need that. He was in unchartered waters, learning to lead our marriage, something he never thought himself capable of. If I'd given into the mentality that one bad night was all the time, and tore him down, I might have made it so that we never could have done DD, because he would have been a fearful mess.
So, this line came up a lot in my life for a while, when my first reaction was to ask why this or that always happened. It usually didn't. It's taught me to focus way more on the good than the bad. :) Do I always succeed in that? No, but I really do try, and most times succeed. My marriage and life are way better because I focus on the good.
Have you found you've had to do the same in your marriages/relationships? Now that I've shared the two lines that have helped my marriage, do you have a quote, or thought, that has gotten you through, or improved your marriages/relationships? I'd love to hear them if you're willing to share. :)
The Duke's Deductions:
Yes I still struggle with this at times. It's good to have some grace, to realize once isn't always. One thing marriage has taught me is that my natural instinct is to be alone, so it is still hard to fight against my natural instict, but I realize I have got to keep trying.. I love EsMay so much and am so thankful that she has shown this grace to me and has stayed with me all these years and been willing to fight for our marriage. She has grown so much as well, and I am so proud of her for that.
It is very difficult to leave the past in the past when trying to rebuild. Having a mantra does help.
ReplyDeleteMy quote?
" - And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom." Anais Nin
It reminds me have to go forward to be who I want to be- regardless of how fearful I am. It may turn out awful, or it may not. One thing is definite though, doing nothing will change nothing.
willie
Oh, willie, I have loved this quote for a while now!! :) :) It perfectly explains why I finally brought up DD and then D/s to the Duke. :) I love seeing that it means something to someone else too. I actually have a post going up at some point about this very idea.
DeleteYou're right, it might turn out bad, or it might turn out good, but we can't sit there, and do nothing.
EsMay
It's actually quite a popular quote among submissives- so fear not, we are not alone ;) It used to be my signature on the D and L forum. Anyway Anais Nin made no bones about her love of dominant men either. LOL
DeleteI did not know about her love for dominant men, I will have to look that up. :) I actually don't know the person the quote is from. *blush* I love that it's a quote among submissives. :) It's so appropriate!
DeleteIt is a wonderful quote, EsMay, and I will remember it the next time I start to jump to conclusions.
ReplyDeleteI love the time we are together and actively bonding, but Sam and I always give each other space in our marriage. Don't know how many years it took us to figure it out, but we both need alone time. We do it naturally now, without having to ask or having a disagreement.
I think it is even more important when you are caring for a little one. I needed time to be me, not just "Mommy" even if it meant just taking a walk by myself.
Hugs From Ella
Oh, yes, we definitely both need alone time. lol Thankfully we both feel the same about that. We both just do it naturally too. :) It was only when all the Duke wanted was alone time, when he never talked to me each day, that it was a problem. Even just a few minutes a day some days to connect with him is all I need. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
EsMay,
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting take on your marriage mantra. When I first read, "Once doesn't equal always," I thought of how the day we all said, "I do," where once is supposed to mean always. However, I believe we have to keep saying "I do" every day in our marriages to make them work... Sweet and practical post, EsMay. Keep up the great personal work. You guys have faced some tough stuff and you've come through it wonderfully. Hugs, Windy
Windy, I know another couple that says that, and I've never heard it any where else other than them. :) I like that thought, we say "I do" every day. And it's true. :) And thank you for the compliment. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
I love that quote!
ReplyDeleteMy mantra is "I can be right or I can be happy, but rarely will I be both."
I am learning as the Sheriff and I walk this path, that it is so easy to submit when I agree, but when I think he is wrong, and I am trying to submit regardless, Man that is Tough! So, I remind myself of the above. DD makes me happy. The Sheriff is really uping his game, which causes growing pains. So, I might not agree, but I will try to submit gracefully. I dont quite have that graceful part down yet.
Boo
Boo, I may have heard you say that line a time or two. ;) It is definitely much harder to submit when we don't agree. The graceful part does get easier, at times. hehehehe Sometimes, it's just really hard. {{{hugs}}} But your line, it will get you through because I believe it has been helping you. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Hi EsMay, I love that quote!very wise words and words I will try to remember instead of reacting in the moment. Thank you for sharing this with us:)
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thank you, Roz. We live and we learn. ;) I hope it will help you out next time, I am really learning not to react in the moment. It takes time, or maybe I'm more stubborn than most. ;)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
I love that quote. The words always and never do not belong in an argument, we learned that during a family counseling visit. Thanks for the beautiful reminder.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Blondie. :) And I love that one. It's true, the words NEVER and ALWAYS should never be used in an argument, our ability to see clearly gets very skewed when we're upset. Thank you for sharing that. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
I do like this quote and I will try to remember it and focus on the positive. We all have our off nights...but as long as we are both trying to be there for each other and growing each day, that is all it is - an off night. Thank-you for sharing this. Hugs
ReplyDeleteExactly, Terps. :) We all have those off nights, and it's remembering that that is all that it is that keeps it in perspective. :) Just like a bad day, just a bad day, nothing to worry about as long as it's not all or most of the time. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay