The Duke grabbed my chin, tried to lift it to look at him, and I couldn't. He demanded I look at him. I couldn't. I literally couldn't. I tried, I fought to obey, and yet I couldn't force my face up. It wouldn't budge. I just knew if I looked up, there would be a connection, and I was already too overwhelmed to form one. It was a scary place to be in.
He was so good at stepping up a couple of weeks ago, and then all the sudden ignored me the past week. I mean, he took our daughter one night for two hours so I could get things done around the house, but other than that, nothing to show me that I was more than a maid and cook. I've been working hard at obeying the rules, doing special things for him, making a good environment for him to come home to, exhausting myself to do the things I know he likes... and I felt ignored. It's amazing how when you're empty, having a great week can make you feel so full, and then, going back the week after makes you feel even more empty than you were before.
He asked what he could do to help. Then started pulling at his hair in worry and frustration. He always worries that I expect this huge big deal from him. That to meet my needs he'll have to give up all his free time, and spend hours a day with me. And I tell him just five minutes a day, and I'll be fine. But it's the ignoring me for a week, or even a month or more at a time that I find really hard. I have two parents, a child, and a job that exhaust me, I need one person in my corner that isn't only taking from me, but feeding into me as well. I've told him several of the things in the list below before, but he has trouble remembering things that are said, so I decided having a list might be easier for him. I checked with him, and he thought it would be okay to share it with you all.
We had a date today, we unexpectedly ended up with a day together. It was sooo nice to be alone with him for almost two hours, and it really helped to get us back on track. :)
These don't all need to be done often, even a couple a day just to show he's thinking of me.
- Do the week day 11pm check in about where we stand (even just 2 or 3 minutes)
- Getting me to kneel
- Hug me for at least ten seconds
- Press me into a wall and kiss me for at least ten seconds
- Nuzzle my ear or neck for a few seconds
- Hold my hand
- Hug from behind
- Whisper something in my ear
- Wink at me across the room (well try, the Duke can't actually wink) ;)
- Swat my butt on the way by
- Scratch my back
- Sit with your arm around me
- Buy a treat I like when you're out
- Hold my chin and make me look at you
- Promise me something naughty later
- Stop everything and ask how my day was, and really listen
- Remind me who I must obey, and what you expect of me.
- Remind me who I belong to
- Remind me that you're there when I'm completely overwhelmed
- When I'm overwhelmed, don't ask if I want some time alone, demand it
- Look deep into my eyes and tell me you love me
- Tell me why you're proud of me
- Tell me a reason you love me
- Tell me why you find me sexy
- Ask if I've been a good girl
- Ask if I've followed my rules that day, or if I have anything to confess
- Ask me a question that requires my attention to answer
- Force me to stop what I'm doing to spend a few minutes with you
- Write me a love letter, even a short one
- Maintenance spanking (role affirmation, stress relief)
- Pick a submission exercise for me to do
- Offering to do a blog post with me
- Tuck me in if telling me to go to bed early, or just because
- Tell me not to make supper, that you're picking something up
- Do a quick chore for me
He admitted these were very doable and wouldn't really take time for him to do. :) And he agreed I could share with you all. :) Hopefully these help. :)
It is often so difficult to have men understand women's feelings. I remember having countless discussions with B about feeling 'dropped' after a 'good stretch' when it came to our dynamic. Our lives have had numerous 'distractions' over the past few years and so often B had been content with where we appeared to B. Much like you I tried very hard to maintain my submissive heartset despite not entirely feeling his dominance in a way that affected me. He would often think I 'suddenly' dropped. Sigh. LOL.
ReplyDeleteI too have defied the " Look at me order". I felt so wrung out that I feared if I looked at him I'd break down and that is probably what I needed, but I couldn't bear to be vulnerable to anyone that time. What if he wasn't 'there' tomorrow and I was still raw?
I think once you feel where you need to be as a sub, every step away from that core is a painful one, and sometimes a lonely one. Every step away can also add a tiny bit to your force field because you have so much to protect now. ( I often use the analogy of a hermit crab leaving its shell on its journey to find another. The Dom is the cloud cover that protects it from the burning sun, but without it...) .
Being submissive is really NOT for the weak of heart. It is looking up when you are told despite feeling like we will fall apart ( tell me if you find a way to do that...LOL). It is giving our ALL to them because we need to, not because they deserve it...and that is the challenge. I have discovered that being a submissive isn't about being submissive. It is about being true to myself and allowing my true need to show not a protected version of myself. And it is *SO* damn difficult at times.
If Duke takes your advice and gives you some of what you need ( Duke isn't alone in thinking he needs to give so much, when in truth he needs to only give the right things which often are small in effort....or at least it appears that way to us subs...LOL) you will be able to give the right things away to people. The things that actually benefit you as well as them.
Keep at it. It is difficult, as you know but so worth it, as you also know.
willie
Thank you so much. I love your analogies here. And it really is so hard to be in that place where I feel submission to the core, and then having to come out and be in control for every aspect of our lives again. It makes me feel very abandoned, and I try to reason with myself that in a house full of people, I'm not, but it's hard to reason with myself sometimes. And if I ever find a way to look up at those times, I'll let you know. :) I really couldn't seem to do it, and hope I find an answer in time... though not having to be in that situation again would be good too. lol
DeleteEsMay
Ditto to Willie's comment...I always nod my head a lot at her comments. Sometimes I think they...the ones in charge...forget how much a small gesture or word or touch can mean...how encouraging it can be...that is a wonderfully comprehensive list you have there....And I also have been in that place where just looking up at him, seems like an impossible task....hugs abby
ReplyDeleteOh, thank you, abby. :) It is so great to not feel alone in this, though I wouldn't wish this on anyone either. It's so hard. But those in charge do tend to forget how easy it is to meet our needs. I'm hoping this list helps. And as I think of little things, I'll add to it to give him more options. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Hi EsMay, I love your list and agree with Willie and Abby. We do need someone in our corner and to feed us from time to time. Those small acts can mean so much.
ReplyDeleteGlad you and the Duke had some time together :)
Hugs
Roz
Yes, Roz, we really do. :) I felt guilty sharing that I needed it... but I can't, it's a need, and wouldn't be right to hide it.
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Sigh. "Look at me", nope. I'll cry if i do and i don't want to cry cos i'm already exhausted from holding everything in and keeping it together. I get it. But that list seems so doable. for us maybe... LOL I've often told BIKSS sometimes all it takes is for you to step up and hold me and really give me a solid bear hug to let me know you're there for me. IS THAT SO HARD? LOL.
ReplyDeleteglad you managed to talk this thru.
I know, it was sooo hard. And no, a hug is not hard at all. Yet, seems so easy for them to forget. LOL
DeleteEsMay