Waiting On A Spanking

Depending on how you feel about spanking, the words to the title of this post will usually instill fear, or stir excitement.  Today I just feel kind of disappointed in myself.  We have yet to do good girl spanking, (hope we try one soon) so that isn't what is happening tonight or tomorrow.  No, I have a lot of guilt over something, and the Duke has decided a spanking may help me let it go.  He's right, I know he is, it always works when I carry this level of guilt, but I still hesitate.  The Duke has a strong hand, and he should, too light a spanking, and I probably wouldn't cry my guilt out.  Yet during a spanking, that is exactly what I'm hoping for, a light spanking, just to the point of starting to hurt, something I can easily handle and then smile about afterwards.  And any of you that need spankings know how effective those kinds of spankings are in the end.  Eeek.  lol  We might as well not have had one.  *sigh* lol

So, I need a harder spanking.  Where I cry, where he doesn't give into me the first or second time I tell him it hurts.  Where he's in control, and I'm not.  The kind of spanking that will make him pull me into his arms afterwards and cuddle me to make sure I'm okay, and ask if I got the release I needed.  The kind where I hope to feel it the next day, because as hard as it was, feeling a reminder later on of him showing his love to me in this way makes me feel so special and cared for.  He is never okay with me carrying around guilt.  He hates seeing me down, and beating myself up.  I try not to, but sometimes, I just feel so disappointed in myself about something.  Something usually out of my control, and that's why I can't fix it, and it just hangs over my head.

I hope it happens tonight.  I hope he uses both new implements I made him for Christmas, though we've already tried them both out just for fun and reset. :)  There is a picture of them in my last post if you missed them.  Usually we wouldn't wait on a spanking, but my cycle was horribly heavy this time, and I just couldn't see a way to do it.  So it will probably happen tonight as long as circumstances allow because my cycle has finally slowed down enough.  I long for the cuddle afterwards, after I've cried my guilt away.  I feel free, his arms around me make me feel special, his words make me feel loved, his touches make me feel beautiful, and his kisses make me feel desired.  He will do all of those anyway, he does often, spanking or not, but there is something extra special about being so open and vulnerable to him after a spanking when he does them.  I feel free, cleansed, very exposed (many of them happen naked or half naked), but I also feel exposed because we've laid bare everything I feel guilty over.  My face feels fresh from all the tears, and my mind feels opened and all the bad feelings and confusion are gone.  I feel vulnerable because he's broken down my walls, yet so safe because he protects me in my vulnerability with him.  He's there, taking care of me like I'm the most precious thing in his world.  Those are my absolute most favourite moments ever.

So I wait, for a spanking I know will hurt, but then all this guilt will be gone, and I so look forward to that.  This week we celebrate 11 years of marriage.  November was six years doing DD.  It's been off and on, but it's always better when it's on.  I do so much better being held accountable, and the Duke does so much better when he's leading.  He's happier, more confident, more relaxed, funnier, more teasing, more carefree.  I love it. :)  I love that man of mine.

Note - Sorry I was gone for a few weeks.  We were so sick here, it took some time to heal.  Also a lot of family dynamic stuff going on, and I just couldn't get my head around blogging.  Thank you to everyone who checked in on me.  You sure know how to make a girl feel loved. :)  I hope you all had a Happy New Year. :)  I want to promise I'll get to your blogs this week, but I have to be honest.  I have a house that hasn't been cleaned in a month from all the sickness.  I finally got the tree down just today.  I NEVER leave it to January.  Gift bags and packaging from gifts were still in a pile in my living room, I never do that either.  Our bedroom looks like a tornado hit is.  So I have a lot of catching up to do, and I want to get at it.  Hopefully I'll catch up with everyone soon though. :)