I sit here feeling so contented. The Duke has been straying. Hmmm, not the right word... he's been struggling to get back in control, hesitant like. He's struggled since his accident almost a year ago. Literally, in less than a week it'll mark the anniversary. He's said he wants to do DD, and then doesn't. He's tired from the baby, and work being stressful, and being on his third cold in a couple months. He just hasn't wanted to put more onto his plate.
Today he came into our room while I was catching a few minutes to read while baby slept. He picked up our paddles, and asked what I thought of one. I looked at him and humbly told him I wasn't ready for that one. It's a slender one that's meant to inflict a LOT of pain. Then he picked up our large one, and asked if he could use it on me. I told him very gently him that if he did, he had to understand he wasn't just spanking me once. He was stepping back into a lifestyle. I told him I loved him, but that we either were going to do DD, or we weren't, and it was too confusing to my head to go back and forth. I made sure to be very respectful, and kept my voice very low and humble, but I needed to be honest. He put the paddle back away, and I teased and asked if that was his answer, my heart a bit numb trying to process what the symbolism meant. That is when he picked up our pocket paddled, sat on the bed, and told me to climb over.
So, I want to lie, and tell you I climbed right over with a smile on my face. :) But, I have never lied to you before (other than to give you a fake name), so no since in starting now. I didn't panic, but I needed him to talk for a minute. I couldn't just go from no leadership to a spanking to start us off without at least a few seconds to digest.
Going back to DD is what I've wanted to do, but unlike the first time where it was a need so deep inside myself I couldn't breathe, this time we need it more for him. I find I do best with leadership, I find I need to live in submission to be my best self, but I don't know if I need the spankings anymore, at least not like I did in the past. But He does. He needs to be back in control. He needs to lead again. He's gotten depressed again like before we did DD. Things are chaotic at work, and he needs a place where he can have control. So it wasn't that I didn't want the spanking, I just needed a few seconds to understand this was really happening. And that is all I needed. 10 seconds, probably not even that. I did ask him to remember I hadn't been spanked in a while, and so probably couldn't handle the pain level I used to.
There were a few times it really hurt, and without meaning to, I guess my feet kicked some. Which was never an issue in the past, as long as I held my position and didn't kick my feet in the way, a little kicking was allowed. Guess that's gone... :( It was hard to remain completely still, but I was able to do so after a few painful swats. :)
And then there was a moment where I just felt this deep peace. All the sudden, during a time I was struggling to accept the pain, the Duke said in whistful tone "This is nice, I like controlling you." and I felt my heart smile. This is exactly what he needs right now.
He followed up our time with some other demonstrations of his control over me, and then some time with intimacy and cuddling. I sit here now, baby now up from her nap and playing beside me, and the Duke happier than he's been in a while, and I'm just full of contentment. Don't get me wrong, we have some real worries right now. Money is really tight, I won't be able to get the Duke a gift for his birthday afterall, the first time we've ever had to do that. His job is really stressful right now, and he is in danger of losing it. The new house needs repairs sooner than we were told or had anticipated that we can't afford right now. But it'll all be okay. Life is still good.
While reading my post, the Duke decided to write again. Yeah! :)
The Duke's Deductions:
Hi guys. I haven't written in like a year on here. There has been so many changes in life in the last year and a half that it is hard to keep or to reach a place where life feels in balance again. Also, we have had family with us so much in the last year and a bit that it feels like my wife and I never get time alone any more. Anyway, my wife has been so supporting and encouraging between my car accident and all the changes with my work, and I have been feeling a little more HOH-eee since we last had family leave, although up until today it had not come out like this. I had thought about giving a spanking for a while and decided there was no time like the present. Anyway, it's true. I feel like I have so little control in my life, so having her OTK paddle in my hand I felt I had control over her and it felt good. I knew I could stop right then and give her relief, or I could keep spanking and give her pain, and that it was my choice. Anyway, it was an interesting experience and I am glad it gave her peace and contentment.
- PS Sorry if my old posts are showing up in your feeds as I repost them. I still have about 80 left, so will try to do 5 or so a day over the next two weeks. Keeping it to five so that I don't overwhelm your feeds. I didn't realize this would happen when I took them down. I apologize for that. And I'll probably skip weekends to give you a break, and myself as well, as I'm going through every post and comments to make sure we didn't over share personal stuff that didn't matter as much before we had baby.