UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, December 09, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 4 - I Can Let It Go

Tried to keep this one short and sweet. :)

I was the head of our household before DD.  I hated the role, but I did it, because someone had to be.  I have always had a lot of responsibility since I was but four years old.

Now?  Not so much, and I LOVE it.

Now,

- I do a lot less housework because the Duke steps beside me and helps
- I'm told when not feeling well to sit down and tell the Duke what I need
- I'm told to calm down when I'm starting to feel worked up
- I'm held when I'm frightened and know I'm not alone
- My tears are encouraged because the Duke knows they bring healing
- I've been encouraged to carry a less volunteer load to free up more time and cause less stress
- Told when to go to bed, so now I have to choose what is really important to be done, and the rest can wait, and it really can wait
- Am asked more often when stressed if what is bothering me really matters
- Am told to share what is bothering me, this is non-negotiable now
- Have started asking the Duke to take over/help on financial items and budgeting and such
- Am questioned often now if I've done the things I need to do to stay healthy
- Have someone checking on oil changes and gas gauges instead of just me
- Have someone that tells me when to say no to things
- Have someone I can ask permission to, especialy when I'm weary about something, and that doesn't make me feel hindered, it makes me think that I don't have to worry about the decision, he'll make it, I just have to follow it.

It's not all about what I can do.  It's not all up to me to get everything done now.  And with that, there is a freedom.  For the first time that I can ever remember, I'm barely dreaming.  I used to dream several dreams a night, every night.  More nightmares than I cared for, and a lot of senseless dreams.  But in the past three months at least, maybe longer, I don't know that I've dreamt ten times.  I think it's because my mind is less worried, less stressed, less full of things that need to be done.  I've got someone helping me now, and in a lot of cases, completely taking over.  I am learning to rest.  I'm learning to take time to just do things for myself, and it feels wonderful.

Duke, thank you for loving me enough to take care of me in all these areas and more.  {{{HUGS}}}

Friday, December 06, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 3 - Goodbye Pride

First of all, in writing these posts of what I've learned this year, I really hope I don't come off as knowing it all, or what have you.  Let me tell you, I still have SO much learning to do, we both do, we both still struggle, a lot, but thought it'd be nice to share what I have learned in case it can help someone else out there...

Actually, I am currently waiting on a spanking that will happen later tonight for saying a swear word today... and it wasn't one of the tamer ones either, for being snippy, rude, basically on the verge of yelling, and well, just down right disagreeable.  When I told the Duke how much better I was doing in this area, and had spent an hour before coming out of our room to try to better get my bad mood under wraps, and would have stayed longer if I didn't need to get ready for work... he admitted he has seen major progress.  The times I'm like that are way less often, and a lot less severe... but he is right too, it needs to be dealt with so that it doesn't get out of hand.  He gave me a bit of a spanking, all that we had time for, this morning... the rest is tonight...

So, anyway, another thing I learned this year is that there is no place for pride in DD.  At least not in our DD marriage.  I basically have had to kiss my pride goodbye and send it packing... okay, parts of it, some parts I'm still not winning the fight over, but I'll get there, someday. :)

I won't lie, I am like many other women, I want my husband to be able to read my  mind, SOME of the time.  But to be honest, I'd be down right terrified if he could read it all of the time.  So, unfortunately, we don't get a say in this matter, it's not even an all or nothing, it's flat out nothing.  They can't read our minds... my husband included. 

And Duke, if you ever aquire this skill, we may have to start living in different zip codes! ;)

Because the Duke can't read my mind, this year has been a year in learning to swallow my pride.  Yes, it's hurt, even physically.  Lumps in my throat, heart pounding, palms sweating, shallow breathing, nothing short of panic at times.  I mean, DD is about communication, being open, and honest.  So, sometimes I need something... and I'm afraid to admit it.  I might need a spanking, I might need him to know I don't like how I just talked and want him to call me on it from now on, I might need him to see I'm doing something I believe is self destructive, I might need to admit to an offense he wasn't around for.  The Duke might not have seen the signals to any of these, and in all honesty, sometimes I show too well that I'm doing quite alright when I'm literally about to fall to pieces, or am painfully hiding something.  He can't read my mind, waiting for him to do so means I could be waiting for days, or weeks, all the while, spiraling out of control.  This is not good for me, since my PTSD and Post Partum with Grief, I am very susceptable to getting into dark moods, fast.  I am told because of how both rearranged the chemicals in my brain, I'm always going to wrestle with fighting the dark days... I think it helps to know that so that I'm better prepared and not beating myself up when a few years later, I still struggle at times.  My best friend's fiance says "She can go from happy to dark in 0-60."  That is why when he found out we do DD, and my friend was panicked, he was over the moon about it.  He saw right away that this would be good for me.  Yeah, that was embarrassing.  Nothing like another man saying, "yeah, she needs to be spanked".  lol

Anyway, the best way to fight off these dark moments that threaten to overwhelm me is to be honest with the Duke.  Sometimes just talking is all I need, sometimes I need a spanking, usually I need both.  I'm used to trying all I can not to bother the Duke, at least over things that take time.  But talking and spanking both take time.  The Duke likes to have time to himself each night, knowing I could be keeping that from happening was really scary to me.  But when he found out I was holding back, he told me to tell him.  Now I do, sometimes it means the Duke ends up with no time to himself one night here or there because dealing with me has taken all night... but he's letting me know I'm worth it, and in all honesty, when we look at it, it's only maybe one night a month month, sometimes not even, and in the whole grand scheme of things, that isn't too often.  I also worried in sharing that he'd get panicked and think that being dark meant I was suicidal, too much to handle, or not worth the effort anymore.  But he doesn't think that.  He knows this isn't my choice, and he knows I really fight on those days to be okay.

I've also had to learn to be more open because of some of my rules.  One rule that had to be made is that I'm to let him know whenever I'm in the mood... I have a much higher drive than the Duke, and sometimes if we have a busy week, and I'm struggling for days, I end up physically frustrated, and we've noticed that leaves me feeling lost and insecure and even frightened for some reason... it has been an embarrassing learning time to have to tell him exactly how often I'm actually like this... REALLY EMBARRASSING!  I know, it shouldn't be.... but it is really hard for me.

I'm also to not hold in my feelings anymore.  No holding in anger, hurt, fears, needs, he's to know them all.  There is nothing like sitting there, in front of the man you love, afraid that all the changes you've needed from DD already might be too much, and yet you have another need, and will this be the one that drives him over the deep end?  But I'm not allowed to hide these inside anymore.  And in truth, it's not good for me to do so, but man, is it ever hard to share some of these things.  Sometimes I feel quite stupid or childish for my needs, fears, and what have you.  Sometimes I wonder how many sharing times am I away from him having me committed.

And lets not forget the fact that spanking in and of itself is saying goodbye to one's pride.  Here, it may not start bare, but it always ends bare.  I mean, seriously?  I am not friends with my cellulite!  I don't want the Duke to be either.  But, there you have it, they have become friends, and the Duke has become very fond at paying attention to that part of my body.  It's hard to admit I need a spanking, at first it was even harder climbing over his lap.  I felt ridiculous, and who in their right mind wants this, let alone feels they need it?  But need it I did, and I had to be willing to swallow my pride to get what I needed.  And so, being spanked was me having to swallow my pride in several different areas.

Each time I said goodbye to another piece of pride, it was really hard... but I wouldn't take it back for the world.  Yes, I'm very open and vulnerable to the Duke now, times he hurts me by mistake hurt way worse now, but that's okay.  Because I'm also more carefree, I trust more, I grew up never being able to trust anyone, it's so freeing to finally be able to let go.  No secret needs, fears and what have you mean I'm always being checked on, and taken care of.  I worried that at some point the Duke would make fun of me for something I shared.  To date, I cannot recall a time that ever happened, and now I realize it won't happen.

Saying goodbye to parts of my pride has meant a new level of communication, a new level of us being one together.  My walls have come down, and if there are more I don't know about, we'll work through them too. 

Now don't get me wrong, I still have pride, it does STILL get me into trouble, but I'm learning more and more how to let it go.  Each time I do, I feel more submissive, I feel more softness entering, I feel contentment rising up in me, I feel joy surging through my veins.  If you told me last year one thing I'd learn to do is give up pride, I might have walked away.  Now, it's one of the biggest blessings I've gotten from this lifestyle.  The Duke wants me open and receptive to him, and I'm finding that's just what I want too. :)

I hope in sharing all this, I have not frightened anyone off, it really is a huge blessing to me and the Duke, and I definitely believe it was worth every awkward moment.  Our marriage is getting good now, and the more I get a handle on my pride, the more amazing it will grow. 

This post was really hard to share, and it too was letting go of some of my pride, but this is good for me.  I hope I didn't over share, and I'm really sorry if I did.

The Duke just came in and told me it's time for my spanking from this morning... perfect timing I'd say... except now I wish I had more to say so that I'd need to write longer. ;)  J/K... see you all later.  Let's hope I can actually sit to read your comments later...

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 2 - Room To Grow

I am posting this a head of time as I'm out all night, but don't want to forget the things I'm thinking about right now.  So if I haven't gotten to my last night's comments before this comes out, I will do my best to get to them before bedtime. :)

So, when I started out DD, I had all these dreams of grandeur, you know, the Duke would of course want to step up right away, he'd want to take control, I mean, what man wouldn't want to have a woman bowing to their every wish?  ;)  And part of this dreaming was of him forcing me to take a punishment when I would fight.  It was naturally in me to fight, but I thought of how romantic it would be if he told me I had no choice in the matter, and if need be, grab and pull me over his lap himself, being the true alpha male.  {yep, a swooning scene from a novel}

As you can guess, that didn't happen.  On the times I did fight in the beginning of DD, I sent him two totally opposite signals.  My mouth was saying I wanted this, my actions were fighting him every step of the way and saying I didn't want this.  {can't you just hear the men saying we act like this on so many things as women? ;)  *groan*  They'd be right.  lol}  It didn't take long for me to realize that him not being a natural leader meant I had to give him room to grow into his role. 

What did that mean for me?  I had to stop fighting, I had to crawl over his lap without question even when everything in me told me to run, because when I did run, I could see his frustration.  I was asking him to step up and lead, and yet was doing all I could to make sure he failed.  YIKES.  That was scary.  It was a constant fight for a few weeks of him trying to do what he felt I wanted, and me making him feel like a complete and utter failure.

So when I started to cooperate, and when I started to listen to him without question, his confidence grew.  And as his confidence grew, then he could handle the times when I really was having a hard time submitting.  Now, if I fight, which I still try not to do, but lets face it, I'm human and FEMALE, it happens, so now when I do, he's got the confidence that he's got this, and he can lead me, whether I'm in the mood to follow in the moment or not.  Now he really can take me over his lap without question, even if I fight... which I won't tell you the last time that was... *cough* *cough*  Yes, I'm still growing on the submission, I'm working on it. ;)  Let's just say I'm way better than I was, and still have room to grow. ;)  Does the fact that I think I was hormonal make me any less guilty in this situation???

So, it took months and months of work for him to get this confidence to take me over his knee, whether I was willing or not, to force me to do what was right, whether I was a happy camper about it or not.  I had to be patient.  I had to remember that I'd wanted this, DD, for many months before we started.  He needed time to process and catch up.  I had to remember to congratulate him sincerely, or thank him when he did stand up, and explain to him how that made me feel loved, secure, and even more attracted to him.  I also had to encourage him on his down days, to let him know I believed in him, that he'd make mistakes and it was okay, we'd work through them together, and that he didn't have to be perfect.  I had to invest in what was best for him, and not spend all of my focus on me.  I couldn't push him.  Oh, I tried here or there... want to talk about another confidence buster!  Yeah, "Honey, can you lead me?  But I want you to do it this way, and this way, and this way.  Don't deviate from the plan, okay?"  Yeah, like I said yesterday, I did a bit of this.  How can they have confidence if we're the ones giving the orders?

So I guess what I'm saying in all of this is, if you're new to DD, and struggling, maybe make sure you're giving him the room to grow in his confidence.  If you're not, don't be afraid to step back.  Don't be afraid to work on his confidence.  Yes, you might be at the end of your rope, I was.  I was ready to give up on having a good marriage and had nothing left to give.  But I had to.  I had to say thanks even if I didn't feel it, I had to encourage when I wanted to throw in the towel, but the more I did, the more I honestly felt truly thankful, and really like encouraging him. 

The Duke had been taught his whole life that he couldn't be trusted to lead.  He had been taught to be submissive to women and not fight them.  A friend even joked with him constantly to learn how to say "Yes, Dear." and say it often.  Yes it was joking, but yet another way in which men are told that women get the final say.  I had to fight his whole upbringing, and that doesn't change over night.  On days I had nothing left to give, I just asked myself what I really wanted, and what were the steps to get there.  And more often than not, helping the Duke believe in himself was the answer.  It took many months for all of this, almost the whole last year, but that's okay, we're talking about having rewired most of our marriage in a sense.

If you find you're struggling like we did, talk to us {blogland} about it.  Anyone here in blogland.  They gave me the support I needed to keep fighting to make my marriage work, they can help you too. :)  You can seek help, vent if you need, or just find strength from those who have been there before.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 1 - Letting Go

As my first year of blogging approaches, I wanted to share some things I learned along the past year.  If you are new to the journey, maybe they can help you out.  If you've been on the journey for a while, well, you might just be able to sympathize because maybe you made some of the same mistakes, or triumps. :)

Today, I look back, and see how idealistic I was.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think in order to start this journey, it has to be that way.  But in my idealistic view, I had it in my head just how the Duke would act, think, and speak. 

Yep, laugh.  I'll stop for a minute.

Done yet? ;)  Still need more time?

LOL

So, when the Duke did start stepping up, it did NOT look anything like the vision in my head.  Please, DON'T ask him how many times I said "But you're not supposed to do it this way!"  Yes, I am hanging my head in shame, it was more than I can probably count on BOTH HANDS!  *so embarrassed*  Okay, not so much, because I needed this growing experience.  I mean, honestly, if he acted just how I wanted... who really would be in charge here?

This is when real submission can start, when your husband goes off "your" course and onto his own.  Now he's really leading.  Now manipulation, little hints, suggestions, flat out begging, they no longer work.  He's figured an idea out in his head, and he's going to go with it.  And that is SO OKAY! :) 

Yes, there are times I don't like what the Duke is going to do... but to be honest, I probably need the correction even more in those moments.  I probably need the words of correction, the tone, THE LOOK.  Oh, none of you get the look?  *whistling innocently*  Um... me neither then. ;)

DD is so different than I dreamed.  Bad?  Not a chance.  It's SO MUCH BETTER. :)

I think I'll try every couple days to write something short that I've learned this year until my year marker. :)  That is if I don't bore you all before then. ;)

Sunday, December 01, 2013

A Lot Going On

I don't even know where to begin about this week.  It's been hectic, crazy, many meetings, and things to get done, and it's been AMAZING!!!!  {Sorry this ended up being a bit long, feel free to skip if you'd like.}

We hit a year of doing DD, I can't tell you the day we decided a year ago, I don't know, but I know it was sometime in November.  But let me tell you, a switch went off for the Duke around the year mark, and OH MY GOODNESS!

After losing 30lbs this year, I was DEVASTATED to see the scale start going up in the past two weeks, and not just a little, but 7lbs!  The last day it happened, I was having a hard week, was really down for some reason, I just couldn't get out of a funk, and started beating myself up over the weight gain.  I called myself stupid and a few other things I can't even remember, and then went off to get ready for work.

Well, that night, it started.  We were out running an errand and I picked up a couple of chocolate bars.  The Duke told me to put them back.  I looked at him shocked.  I have been eating really healthy, but I do like to have a few chocolate bars around to nibble on.  I figure nibbling here or there is better than an all out binge when I get a bad craving.  But he wouldn't have it.  He said I could get one because it was a while before we could stop to eat, but other than that, to put the rest away.  I was shocked...and slightly hurt.

When we were at the counter, I saw bite sized bars, packs of six or eight.  I asked if we could get one of those then.  He said no.  I was shocked again.  Seeing how many people were around us, I didn't make a big deal, but was struggling with how I felt.  Once we were in the car, I asked him why he hadn't let me get the bars.  He looked into my eyes with so much love and care that it got hard to breathe.  He reminded me that I had been very upset this morning, and it hard hurt him to see me so upset with myself.  He also didn't want me putting myself in situations in which I would feel like a failure, and then beat myself up.  So he said starting now, he was going to pay more attention to my diet and exercise so that I can be happy when I get on the scales again.  I miss my chocolate, I do not miss the 5 or so lbs that have already come back off! :)

I want to tell you that that is our week.  Oh, but that is so little!  All the sudden I'm getting away with NOTHING.  Oh, and I DEFINITELY mean nothing. The other day we got his test results back.  They were what I thought, there is absolutely nothing in him keeping us from getting pregnant.  I knew this, or assumed it... but when I was told, all the sudden I couldn't breathe.  My heart hurt so much I just couldn't take it.  All the sudden, the reality of it all sat on my chest, smothering me.  It REALLY IS ME and my body that is keeping us from having kids.  I knew it, or thought I did, but all the sudden the reality was too much for me to bear.  I shut down.  So many things have been going wrong lately, so many things that if I was a different person would be better, so many things I can't change, that would be so simple for other women, and this was just icing on the cake.  I was lost.  The Duke asked what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him.  I mean, what was I going to say?  "Sorry Sweetie, I'm devastated that you're healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you."  Yeah, that wasn't going to go over so well in my head.  He kept asking, I wouldn't talk to him.  I mean, physically, at times, I couldn't even get words out if I wanted to.

Finally he was done asking, and put me over his lap and told me that I was going to tell him what was wrong.  I was no longer allowed to hide how I felt from him just because I didn't want to hurt him.  And spank he did.  And spank, and spank.  Still, I couldn't talk.  Finally, after my bottom was on fire, I admitted to him.  Not because I was in the mindset to talk, but because I was getting bored of being spanked.  I just wanted to do something else.  Not because I minded the pain, but I needed something to distract myself.  I told him how much of a failure I felt all around.  I told him that nothing I was doing was turning out right, and how hard I work to fight this disease, and yet it's still winning. :(  And then it happened, I don't know why, I feel so stupid for it now, and did as soon as it was over.  I started hyperventilating and fighting him.  He wouldn't stop holding me, and I was suffocating.  I fought, and he ordered me to calm down while holding me tight to him.  All the sudden I was no longer in control, I can't even begin to tell you why, but my breath got shallower and shallower, and I couldn't stop panicking, by the end I was literally choking from my throat closing.  Finally he spoke forcefully enough for me to hear.  I fell to the bed behind me, and just fought to get air in, the whole time he kept holding me.  I admitted later that his holding me actually hindered my ability to breathe because I felt so closed in.  But I saw also his love and concern in the moment.

I didn't know I could do that, and it scared the life out of me.  It's forced me to come to a lot of decisions this week.  Some hurt, but they have to.  I can't let my want for children be this strong.  I have tried for a long time to not want children, and have never been able to over come it, but now I have to focus on finding ways to be happy, even if this never happens.  Yes, there have been many tears in this decision, even writing that this is the plan now has tears in my eyes, but that also shows how exhausted I am right now from everything that has been dragging me down.

The Duke stepped up yet again when yesterday morning I woke up in a bit of a funk.  I don't know why, I think it's just all that has been going on, we have not had a night in weeks where we could just hang out.  It was wearing on me.  So he tried to hug me and get me to talk to him, you'd think I'd learned after the bottom roasting the other night, but I didn't.  So right there in the kitchen he wrapped one arm across the front of my shoulders, and spanked me with his free hand.  I think this needing to talk about things right away might be good for me.  I used to always need time to process, but with being so overwhelmed right now with everything, taking that time has been meaning me getting into some pretty depressed frames of mind.

Also, we found out I have a severe case of Tennis Elbow in my right elbow, and moderate case of Tendinitis in my right shoulder.  There were days it was becoming literally useless.  I couldn't even wring out a wet cloth, hold a pack of paper, or even get through a nights sleep with the pain.  I didn't want to worry people, so very few people knew unless they caught me trying to do something and failing.  Well after a few months the Duke ORDERED me to go last week to the doctor.  I've been put on advil 3x a day, and voltarin rub 3x a day.  The Duke has been making me let him put it on for me at night.  Well yesterday morning he took my sweater and unzipped it, now him putting on the cream was not my first thought. ;)  But when he slipped my arm out of the sweater, that is just what he did.  When I went to put my arm back in, he did that for me, and when I went to zip back up, he removed my hands and did it for me.  I have never been taken care of save for the week in the hospital before we lost our son.  No one raised me, I was the older of four and had to raise them.  I don't know how to be cared for, and my heart just melted.

And then last night happened.  Showing you the bear jars last week might have given you a hint into this, but there are times that I don't feel or act 35.  Sometimes I'm told I act very innocent, naively, uninhibited.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed in situations I should be able to handle, sometimes I get really excited over little things, the bear jars a prime example.  lol  The Duke and I have been talking a lot about this lately, and some of you in blogland have been helping me figure out the whys of all of this too.  THANK YOU!  And then last night happened... the Duke was sitting there smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen from him.  I asked him "What?"  Just one word.  His eyes which were already tender turned even more so.  "You're looking at me all sweet and child like.  All peaceful.  I like it."

I thought about it, and figured he must have been right.  I was finally feeling carefree, I was letting go of the stresses of the past weeks, and years.  I was burying some dreams, and ready to create new ones.  I was loving his stepping up to rescue me so often this week.  In that moment, for maybe the first time ever, I didn't have to worry about something.  He had me.  God has me, and we've been having a lot of talks as well.  I'm learning new trusts in Him that I didn't know possible.  And in all that, I was finally able to just let go, relax, and just be the me I've craved for for so long.  The me that can let go and let someone else take care of me.  I've wanted to be cared for for so long, and there was no one there to do it.  I am feeling so loved right now.

But in that, I've also noticed changes in me.  I'm asking permission for everything.  To the point I asked for something today that was only five dollars, and the Duke flat out said no.  I didn't understand why, but he said no.  Now the Duke is not often cautious with money, even when we need to be, but he's been stepping up in that department too, and I guess I'm shocked, as a year ago, I could have anything I asked for.  So I could chose to pout, which I highly entertained the idea for a moment, or move on.  We were in the new target the other day, the Duke wanted to look around.  I thought that meant a look around.  To him it meant look at every aisle in the store.  I was so tired, I'd worked a long day, and wanted to go home after the first twenty minutes we'd looked around together.  But I wanted to be respectful for him, so I kept wandering around the aisles around him to kill time as he'd stand in front of some displays for several long minutes and I'd get bored.  I realized after a bit that I wasn't being very respectful in doing so.  So I instead went to stay by his side the rest of the time.  But literally two minutes later, he ushered us to the check out and then out of the store.  I told him I was sorry, that by taking so long to realize to do the right thing, I'd kept us from shopping together for half the time we were there.  He then told me that when I kept coming and going, he thought I was having a good time, and it wasn't until I stayed by his side that he could actually see I was exhausted, and that he needed to get me home.  Awww.

So anyway, learning to talk in ways I'd never realized, and realizing the Duke can really pay way more attention to me than I ever dreamed.  Yes, my bottom is warm more often lately, but so is my heart!  :)

I am still exhausted while writing this, so if anything does not make sense, I am terribly sorry.  Found out today that a friend died in a car crash yesterday, and then one of the few actors I really respect, found out he died in much the same way last night, and I'm actually quite shocked how much it bothered me to hear of it today. :(  So not everything may have made sense.  I have a crazy week a head, and then thankfully a couple of nice calm weeks before the mayhem with Christmas and the Duke's family and the wedding I have to be in on the 28th.  So hopefully in that time in between I can slow down and catch up on relaxing and resting. :) 

PS, I have been commenting on the blogs I read, but I go back and see a lot of them aren't showing up. :(  So I think it might be this temporary computer or something.  I am so sorry!  I hope to have my laptop back in a couple of days, and hopefully then my comments will work again.  Sorry to anyone who think I'm ignoring them,  I'm not.  {{{HUGS}}}