Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Good Bye Old Insecurities

A book title caught my eye tonight while I was looking something up.  "What is it like to be married to me?"  and from what I understand, it's about questions we ask our spouses.  To be honest, I didn't stop to look it over.  This book would have really interested me 5 -7 years ago probably.  But it kind of made me chuckle tonight.  How different I am now.

Have you been there?  The questions?  The self doubt?  The needing reassurance?  I have, but I was finding it in all the wrong ways.  Having my questions answered helped me for a minute, but within days, sometimes hours, or less, I'd be back to feeling insecure.  Some of these might sound familiar to you.
- If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
- Do you think I'm as pretty as so and so?
- Do you think I'm sexy?
- Do you ever think about your ex?  And how they....?
- Why do you love me?
- Do you ever wish you could do it over again and choose someone else?
- Are you still glad you married me? (okay, sometimes I cheekily ask it now after I've made the Duke inordinately happy)

I don't know exactly when, or where, those stopped mattering, but I think it's because I started having real value in myself, even when my marriage was falling apart last year.  I'm important.  The world has tried to prove to me over and over, and heck, OVER again, that I'm not.  But I am.  I matter.  I can make a difference, even if it's only in a life or two of those I love.  I have value.  What I want, what I need, IT MATTERS.  No matter what anyone else says.  No matter that someone else may have needs that are more pressing than mine at the moment.  I don't need to pretend I'm someone I'm not.  I don't need to push my needs aside just because someone may try to tell me that they don't have value.

DD, D/s, they've given me the strength to find me.  To embrace me, and like me.  Fighting for our marriage last year taught me just how much power I actually have.  That I have influence, and I am capable.  I can effect change.  The Duke doesn't need to know why he loves me, he just has to know that he does.  I don't have to try to be better than any ex girlfriend, I'm happy, and I do all I can to make him happy.  If that isn't enough for him, that does not fall on me at that point, he has to take it from there.  (He has never compared me to an old girlfriend, it was my fear, in fact he told me he never thought about them unless I brought them up, that was a quick lesson)  Does he think I'm sexy?  Oh, ladies, in case you're wondering, confident women, who also can be submissive and say seriously mean "Yes, Sir" is pretty darn sexy to many men. ;)  I wish I'd realized that sooner, I might have worked harder at it. lol

So, do I not have any questions anymore?  Sure.  But they're different now.  They're not about having it proven to me yet again that I have value.
- What can I do for you today?
- How can I make things easier for you?
- Is there something you'd like me/us to try that we haven't before?
- You seem stressed, would giving me a spanking help you?
- I would love to do this certain thing, how do you feel about it?

Do you see the shift?  I didn't, not until I read the title to that book tonight.  I didn't see how IMMENSELY far I'd come.  Sure, crappy days happen, I will still have insecurities, I really, really hate disappointing people, especially those I look up to, but I'm growing.  In a direction I like.

Maybe the freedom in all of this isn't just that someone else is in control now.  Maybe part of the freedom is that I've finally found me, and to me, she's pretty great.

The Duke's Deductions:
I am glad EsMay has had this change in perspective. It's true that if you rely on other people to tell you that you are okay, well, other people are fickle. They have their own issues and insecurities, and may not always provide the encouragement you need. I know that I have low self esteem and put too much weight into my fears about what other people might be thinking about me. So, I am so glad for my wife that she is going through this and finding confidence from within.   

14 comments:

  1. EsMay,
    I want you to know that as a reader of your blog, I can tell the difference in you compared to a year ago. It's wonderful you have found your self worth and that you realized the power you have to make your marriage better.... and to get your husband to want to make it better, too. That is NOT easy stuff, girl. Keep up the great work you guys! Hugs, Windy

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    1. Oh, thank you, Windy. {hugs} It wasn't easy, it was gut wrenchingly and soul crushingly hard, but I'm so glad I fought for it. :) SOOO glad. :) I just love where we are, who I am. I am so thankful for my/our readers that stuck with us through it. I am very blessed by you all.
      {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. You deserve this young lady! I am truly happy for you!

    Boo

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    1. Thank you, Boo. Been a long road, should have gotten here before 40, but I'm glad. :)

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  3. Gosh, EsMay,
    I am impressed and so glad for you. We all have our insecurities, and they often lead to a troubled marriage. You are dead on right that ttwd or DD gives us a new confidence. What always amazes me is that ttwd gives our husbands that same confidence.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Thank you, Ella. :) My insecurities certainly did cause problems, especially for me. I let it pile on the doubt and hurt. :( You know, the Duke has been growing in confidence too. I'm going to ask him if he'll write about that sometime. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  4. Well, sounds like you find yourself in a very good place :). It is such a wonderful feeling!

    willie

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    1. It is, willie, a very wonderful feeling. :) I've never been in this place before. I'm loving it. :)
      EsMay

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  5. Windy is right, EsMay ... there is a great deal of difference between the EsMay of last year and the happy person you are today. You've made the difference in your life ... in both your lives ... and good that you've given yourself the credit ... nj ... xx

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    1. NoraJean, it means so much that you guys can see the difference. Thank you. I will continue to work hard at changes that are best for him, and our marriages.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  6. Those new questions are amazingly important questions that newly married couples should be taught to ask on a daily basis. Imagine all the troubles that would be avoided.
    I have truly loved your blog and thank you both for your insights.

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    1. Deena, I wish I'd really understood that when I got married. I'd heard about it, but it wasn't real to me. I didn't see the validity of it. Wow, we "know" so much when we are young. And I am so glad you love our blog. I have loved being here.
      EsMay

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  7. I love this EsMay, I'm so glad and happy for you that you have been able to overcome the insecurities, that is awesome :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi, Roz. :) Thank you, that means a lot from you, my friend and reader for over six years. :) How is it that long, already, Roz? lol Time is slipping away so fast.
      Hugs, EsMay

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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