Friday, January 11, 2019

My Shocking Struggle With Submission

After my gushing post the other day of how much I love submission, how needy I become, and how much I thrive off of giving myself to the Duke, last night was a COMPLETE surprise.

My cycle was SUPER weird this time.  My body and emotions were way different.  Okay, I'll say it, I was very turned on, all the time, even after my cycle finished and I thought the hormones leveling out would have made it stop.  Even if the Duke pleased me three or four times before bed, I still couldn't sleep.  It wouldn't stop.  It was insatiable.  I have not been falling asleep until 5am most nights, or later for two weeks because of it.  And then yesterday, I just lost it.  I was tired, needed release, again, and in trying to move an intricate lego house, dropped it by mistake and it fell to pieces, everywhere.

I wanted time alone.  I felt like I was going crazy, needing out of my skin.  I wanted to claw my way out of my own body.  I pulled out the instructions and put the lego house back together.  It was calming, to a degree, but the second it was done, I was crazy again.  The Duke said I needed a spanking because I was cranky.  I said no.  Yep.  I said NO.  Hanging my head in absolute shame here.  And what is worse?  I kept saying no.  He kept saying I needed one, and I kept saying there was no way I was going for one.  I wasn't loud, I wasn't mean, but I kept saying no, quietly but firmly.  Where was Miss Submissive? {Now I have Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson in my head, lol  And you're welcome to all of you that do now too. lol}

I didn't want to submit, it felt wrong, it felt weak, and I didn't like it.  All the beautiful aspects of submission that I usually love, they were escaping my mind.  I couldn't think of one. 

The Duke stood directly in front of me, grabbed my chin firmly, and against all my effort, raised my face to look up at him from where I sat on the floor having just finished the lego house.  He leaned over me, his face close to mine, and told me I could say no all I liked, but I was getting spanked because he thought I needed it.  I tried to look away, and he wouldn't let me.  I started to cry.  All the hormones, stress, exhaustion, being cranky, it all came together in a blob of mess that made me feel like I was someone else, and I didn't like it.  I was so out of control, it was scary, It was like free falling with no net to catch me.  My net was looking me straight in the face, but I couldn't see it that way at the time.  I finally was able to look away, and he grabbed my cheeks in both hands, and forced me to look at him again.  He told me he loved me, that he was going to help me, and again told me he loved me, that he was doing this for me.  I should have felt cherished.  Isn't that what we all dream of from our men when we want this?  That firm, take charge attitude, done because they love us and want the best for us?  And all I felt was this rushing feeling of frustration, feeling so lost.  Literally, who was in my body at that moment?  It certainly didn't feel like me.  It certainly wasn't the same woman that felt safe and cherished as she cuddled in the Duke's arms several times this past week.

A few hours later we were able to do the spanking with the new carpet beater from Christmas.  After the spanking to help me let the crankiness go, the Duke gave me 12, VERY HARD, swats for having fought him by saying no repeatedly.  One swat was so hard I actually rolled out of position on instinct.  I thought I was past that.  I was so disappointed in myself, and rolled right back as soon as I processed what I had done.  During it he told me that next time I won't be able to argue, he'll put his foot down right away and put an end to it.... which to be honest, I think would be best.  Since I have no idea what got into me, having him curb my behaviour before it gets out of hand would be better than how I spiralled last night.

Is this the womanly change?  I am 40... but that feels young, but maybe it's not?

The Duke is stepping up, and apparently I'm going to be getting away with a lot less.  The Duke usually can't find much to punish me for, but it looks like I'm going to have to be extra diligent to keep it that way.  Today I feel a bit lost still, but no where near as lost as last night.  I feel submissive again, thank goodness.  He's doing an extra long shift at work today, and I miss him.  I can't wait until he's home and can give me a snuggle.

After writing all this, I think I realize part of the problem. (If you are new to my blog, over two years ago, my parents had to move in with us.)  In all this submissive and needy feeling lately, my Dad, who I love, don't get me wrong, but he's been pushing in a lot, trying to get into my space, making me feel smothered.  I actually had to go to the Duke the other night while I was cooking because Dad was so much in my space.  I felt bad, he was only trying to help with supper, but smothered I felt.  I got the Duke to hold me tight, my chest pressed tight to his, to feel his presence and power before I could go back to the kitchen to do supper.  Dad was completely overwhelming me, and I was feeling so vulnerable, that it was freaking me out.  He was really in my space again today, and I just want the Duke here to hold me, and make the vulnerability not so scary... being turned on all the time for the past two weeks, (man, I should see a doctor about that) makes me also not want my Dad in my space.  AUGH.  It's horrible. It makes my skin crawl.  I want him no where near me.  Not his fault, but augh.  Wow, going to have to think on all of this.

12 comments:

  1. Oh Ms. Esmay, I do believe you were me! I am sorry it was so hard, but so glad the Duke was there for you. I hope he can give you your snuggle!

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. Thank you, Boo. :) We did some hugging tonight, and will definitely be cuddling tomorrow if at all possible. Him being here, talking to me, he's helping me so much, and glad that last night did too. He's debating on another spanking tonight. Eek. But I know he'll only do it if he feels it's best, and I trust him to guide me.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  2. Good Morning EsMay. I very much enjoyed this post. It is great commentary on how it feels on a daily basis as we go through emotional highs and lows. It is a good illustration of the struggle women go through in their quest for true submission. You are very blessed to have a husband with such a good eye. It is interesting the point you bring out about getting back to "feeling" submissive. I wish I had understood this when I was married. Lessons learned. We do have to get our minds in the right place before we can become anything....Good job.

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    1. Hello, Desiree, it is nice to meet you. :) It really is a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I love being submissive, but it really is a bit of work at times to get there, and stay there. And I am very blessed. This is not something the Duke would have done even three months ago, even though we've been doing DD for 6 years. He's all the sudden growing by leaps and bounds, and I am so proud of him. He is more self assured in his whole life as he grows in DD. And yes, we can force submission, pretend it, but it only becomes who we really are in the moment when we feel it, to our core, that need for control, that need to give in, to please, to surrender. I love that place. *happy sigh*
      EsMay

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  3. There is always an ebb and flow to ttwd or DD. Just like there is to the seasons of the year. Don't worry too much about it. You have Duke to take care of you. Let it go and just trust.

    Thinking of You, Esmay,
    Ella

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    1. Thank you, Ella. I've almost let it go, and working on being in that submissive place again. The Duke's leading certainly helps it go quicker than when I try it on my own. :) So thankful for him.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  4. It is awesome to see how great your relationship has become. I appreciate your honesty and always look forward to the steps you overcome. Not quite sure about your hormones. I think that around 40 is when women hit a sexual peak but wacky hormones always throw us for a loop. I love that you allow Duke to take care of you. We all are human and there will be good days and bad.

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    1. Thank you, Blondie, that means a lot, especially since you saw the early days of our relationship on here. It's so good to see you, by the way. :) LOL Maybe that's it, my sexual peak, which is something I always thought I'd look forward too, but this constant on, oh my, I could do without. HAHAHA He takes such good care of me, I'd be silly not to let him. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  5. Hi EsMay, :) I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time. Sounds like your Duke is stepping right in to help you through it all. I can imagine that everything is a bit rough with a houseful of people! Lean on that fella of yours. It will help! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Katie, I'm doing better at leaning on him than the other day, thankfully! :) :) Having a houseful of people really does change how we can do things, and how things affect me. Brings on a whole different set of stressors. Blessings too.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  6. Hi EsMay,

    I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time and am so glad the Duke was there for you. There really does seem to be an ebb and flow to our submission depending on a variety of outside influences.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hmmm, the way you said that, really has me thinking, Roz. Outside influences... when I want him to be the influence... well God too. :) Hmmm, wonder if I'm giving too much power to outside influences. Thank you for working it that way. I'm going to think on that, and talk to the Duke about it. :) Things are actually doing a lot better, I hope to write today or tomorrow about it. :) Thank you.
      Hugs, EsMay

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