The Advent challenge is to write a letter thanking your partner for something they do in your dynamic... and I don't feel thankful. I feel frustrated. I don't feel submissive at all. This is not what I needed while I'm sick, while I just went down to only one day of work a week starting this week, and with Christmas just around the corner. The fault is his. Very clearly his, and that makes me even more frustrated. Usually I'm the one who has to clean up messes like this, but that is where I took control today. He told me of the damage to his car and the other car, and I said I wasn't doing it. It's his mess, by his own distractedness, and I'm not going to fix it this time. He also gets very down (not depressed) very fast when he's made a mistake, and I said he wasn't doing it this time, because I'm the one who has to spend months of exhausting energy to snap him out of it. I don't have it in me right now.
So, I'm going to try to write my letter today.... but augh, it's going to seriously cost me. Right now all I want to do rant, but that will fix nothing. *HEAVY SIGH* Whoever says being submissive makes a person weak has never had to fight their inner battle to want to stand and fight, and then FORCE themselves to calm and deal with their partner with respect and dignity and to try to help when all they want to do is push their face in their mess and stomp all over them. I feel the power to destroy right now, I could do so much damage with the words I feel inside of me, and I have to reign it in. Being submissive is not for the weak. Augh, I rarely feel anger anymore, but man, today it's boiling up inside. :( :( Hoping I can get it gone before he comes home.
Day 14 - Friday
- Write two letters, they do not have to be long. One thanking your partner for something they do in your dynamic that you love. Give that one to them today. Write another one telling them why you love them and save that one for Christmas Day.
Oh my gosh Miss EsMay.
ReplyDeleteThat is not a nice start to the day! I hope the Duke is alright!
You are right to say being submissive is ine of the strongest things to be/do. You are the strongest women I have "met".
Hugs
Boo
Hi, Boo. He is alright, and emotionally alright today. It did bother him yesterday, but I think he's letting it go. And awww... thank you. Sometimes I don't feel very strong, so it's good to have others see it to remind me I can get through whatever is ahead.
DeleteHugs, EsMay
EsMay, I am so sorry this happened and that you're sick on top of it.... makes it all worse. I don't think anyone who reads here would ever think of you as a weak person. From all that you have shared, I think you are rather strong. I hope things calm down for you. A good friend of mine reminds me to take deep breaths in the upsetting moments... may sound silly, but it actually isn't. Calm the body and then the mind relaxes. Or call the mind then the body relaxes. Very interesting relationship with the whole mind body connection. I hope things get smoothed over quickly and that you're not somehow expected to fix all this yourself. Hugs! Windy
ReplyDeleteThank you, Windy. Deep breaths are definitely a good idea. I have learned that too, my heart rate will sometimes just really high for no reason, so I got one of those activity wrist bands that tracks your pulse. Now I can be told when it's rising, and then do as you say, relax my mind, take deep breaths, and my heart rate goes back down to the high 60's, low 70's. And yes, the Duke is going to take care of this. I told him one of his friends who I thought would be good to ask advice when he didn't know what to do, and left it at that. That way he can see how much he can do on his own and gain a sense of accomplishment through that. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
EsMay I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It is hard to stay submissive at times. Breath and count to 10. At least no one was hurt just damage to cars. Cars can be fixed. Broken bones take longer. Stay calm!
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Hugs Lindy xx
Lindy, isn't that the truth? The Duke was in a horrible accident 4 years ago this coming March, and he was banged up so bad. Took 6 weeks to heal most of it, and some is still not healed to this day. He even still has a permanent yellow bruise that never faded. I'm glad this time was only the car.
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Yikes! Sounds like you have nowhere to go but up... So you know you have good times ahead! Nurse that cold so you can enjoy the holidays. Glad Duke isn't hurt. He will get everything taken care of with the car as long as he knows you believe in him and his ability to handle things. Amy
ReplyDeleteOh my, Amy, I really hope we can only go up! :) :) It has been so hard all week to breathe. Finally have an antibiotic, and upped dosage in inhalers. And hopefully he knows I believe in him. I keep encouraging him, tell him he can do way more than he realizes, tell him he is stronger and smarter than he knows, etc, and that I have faith in him. I'm hoping he believes me. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Hi EsMay,
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I'm so sorry this happened and you are feeling this way. Certainly not what you need while you are sick and with Christmas almost upon us. It's a stressful enough time as it is.
Hope things calm down and that you are feeling better soon.
Hugs
Roz
Thank you, Roz. I am on the mend, finally. Still some wheezing, but nothing like this time last week. Sooo thankful a doctor finally helped. And the Duke is a bit stressed, hoping he can let that go and enjoy Christmas.
DeleteHugs, EsMay