Thursday, November 08, 2018

Obey

Obey.  Such a simple word, with so much meaning.
Our daughter's group this week talked about obeying parents.  It suggested giving one letter of the word for every instance of obedience, and once all four letters were acquired to spell obey, to reward them with some kind of treat.  Her obedience has been horrible the past few days, several storms will do that to a child.  This trick is working.  Here are her toy letters I used for it.  Going to do it daily for a week, and if she gets all four letters every day, going to take her to buy a book or toy.

My obedience though?  It's as missing as hers has been.  I put an A.P.B. out on it, and got a simple note back. :P
I haven't wanted to submit.  The Duke has been trying since Saturday to have a maintenance, and either I was sick, or we didn't have the time.  I'm a submissive at heart, this rebellion I feel, I don't understand it, but it's there, rearing it's ugly head, demanding attention, wanting to grow stronger, and do things my way, own my own, with my own space, and no one to answer to.  In the middle of it all though is hurt.  I can't even label the hurt.  I don't know what it's from.  The things I think it's from are all resolved.  But there it sits, my heart ready to cause tears at any given moment of the day for a week. It's finally starting to ease, and I finally can write about it.  At times I have felt very alone in my life.  Thank goodness for some of you blog friends, I haven't admitted how things hard were, but you helped me out so much even still. :)  Blogland friends are amazing.

I guess part of this hard week is all the judgement I've gotten this week from people I know in real life.  It's like people have come out in droves to tell me how much I'm failing at being a wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc.  I know at times I talk about the Duke on here, and my attitude isn't always right (I always ask his permission before sharing), but I never complain or talk bad about him in person, ever, and rarely do even with him.  I have to really be struggling first because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  I try to make sure not to complain about other people, put them down, or talk behind their backs.  So it just shocks me sometimes how critical people can be when I don't do the same with them.  I'm finally at a place to put it behind me.  Just so many at once became harder to push aside than normal.

Thank goodness obey is a verb.  Because I don't feel like listening, submitting, following rules, etc.  But still, I obey, it's the right thing to do, even if I have to fight to do it.  I would expect the same from my daughter as much as she can, and I expect no less from me.  I have even done extra projects with baby girl today, and extra cleaning around the house to try to get into a better mindset of serving and being thankful.

Obedience in my heart is here somewhere, it's often a full blown craving that is seldom satisfied.  I'm not exactly sure how to deal with "Who gives a care" EsMay.  People talk about an alter ego.  Maybe she is mine. lol  Hopefully, for my bottom at least, that is not the reply I give the Duke if he asks me anything.  Though I have been tempted.  If I suddenly disappear, you'll know I gave in.  lol   

I have suggested several times this week that we quit DD, did I mention the note from my submission saying it was gone on a LONG vacation?  The Duke says I'm not allowed to make any decisions about it when I'm like this.  The Stinker.  But thankfully he also hasn't pushed any DD structure on me as well... though maybe that is just what I need.  Have the stubborn brat I feel inside beat right out of me. :P  I don't know how to brat, I've never done it, but I feel one growing... she has instigator written all over her.  She wants to stomp around, roll eyes, and stick out her tongue.  Things I don't do, but boy do I want to all the sudden.

I can laugh at the thought of the Duke ruling her, though I'm sure I wouldn't be laughing if he did.  Hopefully it doesn't come to that, today is better than I've been all week.  The sun is out, it's nice and cool, but not cold, and about to go outside.  Hopefully finally seeing the sun will help.  :)  I just opened the window a few minutes ago, and I definitely feel my energy rising.  The headaches I've fought all week are pretty tame today.

I hope you guys are having a better week than I have been.  And if you have any extra submission hanging around, feel free to send it my way while mine is evidently enjoying a cruise or some such nonsense. ;)  I'm not used to not feeling submissive, and feeling a bit lost in it all.  But it should come back soon, unless it finds a tall drink of dominance somewhere.  lol  If it doesn't come back, I'll have to find a new name for my blog. :P  Maybe the Duke should have a set of letters for me to spell obey every day like the ones little girl has above. :)  I wouldn't mind getting a treat every day for behaving, and a toy or book at the end as a reward.  Oh, now I'm going to ask.  HAHAHAHA  I'm so going to ask. :) lol

13 comments:

  1. Oh Esmay,

    I had no idea! I am sorry it has been so rough! I am here though, I can listen.

    Good for the Duke! Standing strong for you!

    Just remember, we are all here for you!

    Boo

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    1. Thank you, Boo, and thank you for contacting me to check on me. I am so blessed by my friends in blogland. {{{HUGS}}}
      Hugs, EsMay

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  2. Esmay,
    I have news for you and it is that you are normal. What you're going through ... that facing of criticism that you did not ask for in your life...it's bull and you're tired of putting up with it and so am I in mine. You try so hard, you don't mistreat others and then are not treated the same with people who should love you and it's worse when it is family. It hurts and it makes me want to rebel even though I am decades away from being a teenager. Keep writing, keep taking care of yourself, and if you get a little crabby with the Duke because of all of this stuff, let him help you through in whatever way he offers. Just don't clam up and shut everybody out...... the ones who bring you distress, yes, shut them out of your head as much as you can. Otherwise, keep going, keep your foot in the door here with communicating your feelings. Hugs! Windy

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    1. Exactly! Windy is way more elegant than I am!

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    2. I'm normal? Oh boy, there goes all the mystique. ;)

      You are right, they have no right to push their opinions on me. I don't have to live up to their expectations, and usually I do well with that, but this time was too many too close together. I understand the wanting to rebel. Oh do I understand. I too try to remind myself I'm too old for that though. lol I promise not to shut everyone out, but I do, like you said, distance myself from those who cause too much trouble. Thank you for writing, Windy, that greatly encouraged me. I read it right after you posted, but couldn't get onto my account right away to write back. Thank you.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  3. I completely understand. I/we had a terrible night last night. It was the culmination of about 6 months of built up stress. Tom gave me several opportunities to quit bratting and to calm down. I rejected them all. The results were ugly re: how angry we both wound up. I have no idea what the DD related outcome of all that will be. Anyway, my point is, I understand when the submissive part of you checks out and sticks out her tongue on the way. Ugh.

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    1. Oh, Princessimp, I'm sorry that you had a bad night. That built up stress can be a killed. I'm carrying some right now, and not sure why. All the sudden I'll just notice my jaw and body are very tense and I'll have to remind myself to relax. I hope that you guys were able to work out a good outcome for it.
      EsMay

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  4. Hi EsMay,:) I'm so sorry that you had a tough week. It is hard when people are critical of us, or unkind- especially when it comes from family and close friends.

    Lean on that fella of yours, communicate and I'm guessing that you will find your submission. One thing that I have noticed is that when I am upset about something, have a worry, and take it to Rob, he can help me to see things differently, or find solutions. It takes a big load off. As he helps me, it feeds his leadership. Which goes on to encourage my quest for submission. I hope that you have a nice weekend and a much better week ahead! BTW- so cute about the obey thing and your daughter! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Katie. It is hard, especially when it's the people you wish had your back, but don't. Thankfully the submission started coming back yesterday. He was around more, and just having him there fed it. Hoping that helps this week be better, even though he has a busy week at work.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  5. Hi EsMay,

    I am so very sorry you have had such a tough week. Criticism is hard to take, especially from loved ones and it's no wonder your submission has taken a vacation for now.

    It breaks my heart that you are being treated this way, especially when you give so much of yourself to others. You are such a loving and caring person. Some wonderful and wise words from Windy and Katie.

    I'm so glad you are feeling a little better and hope you continue to feel even better.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. Seriously, thank you. Yeah, I can see now how I went into survival mode, and feeling that, I couldn't submit while I was trying to protect myself. And thank you for the compliments, it means so much that you, and the others, see the kinder side of me. I really try to be kind and loving to others.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  6. I love your little analogy about your submission being on vacation, EsMay :>)) You have a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders and all of that plus criticism that you are not living up to someone's expectations, will no doubt chase away your submissive self. I too, lose my submissiveness when life stresses interfere. However, as others have said, this is the time for you to rely on your Duke ... share your thoughts with your man and you might be surprised at the results.
    Hugs!

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    1. Thank you, NoraJean. I think she enjoyed the vacation. lol I did talk to the Duke, and we had quite the talk. I think we might be able to work on some things now. I definitely got spanked last night just because. :P
      Hugs, EsMay

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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