When Submission Is Taken Advantage Of

I have been working on keeping my posts upbeat, and happy, so I'm sorry this one isn't, to show the good sides of what we're going through.  I don't ever like to paint the Duke in a bad light, and I'm not going to be complaining, but I am going to be honest about where we're at, and how we're getting back to DD.  Sorry it's a bit long too, will probably take a few minutes to read.

I don't know how to write this post.  It means admitting that my world isn't perfect.  I means sharing how hurt I've been lately, and the steps we're taking to fix it.  I do ask that if anyone comments, please be kind, I'm already so beaten down right now.  I'm putting my foot down more and more, especially with my parents, but it takes time to build that up so that they don't completely make my life miserable.

I don't matter in my house.  Before we had our daughter, DD helped save our marriage which had died, and then with DD it was great in so many ways.  Since she was born, the Duke plays at DD at times, but not for long.  Like maybe 2-5 days, and then he goes off again for months, not doing anything.  I have come to realize our marriage is not a marriage that can survive without DD.  Whenever we don't have it, I become invisible.  Worse, I become a slave and invisible.  I don't matter.

For this to make sense, if you don't know, my parents also live with us now.  No, I am not that good of a person, I was willing when they were older, but they are 59 and 66, I thought I had way more time, but they had to leave their condemned house, and had no where else to go.  They can't afford to live anywhere.

So, in this house, no one notices if there's a hot meal every day, food in the fridge and cupboard, rooms clean, laundry done, kid taken care of, etc.  But boy, do they notice it when it's not done.  No one notices when I'm sad, or happy, or dying inside.  No one asks me how they can help me, if I'm doing okay, or care to take even ten seconds to show that I matter.  I'm ignored for the sake of games, computer, and other interests by everyone here.

It's take, take, take.  My daughter understandably takes from me, as do the children I work with.  But then my parents both take and take.  All day long it's a fight to keep them obeying the rules we set down before they moved in.  Some I've just stopped fighting.  I'm so tired of having to stand my ground.  I just want to hand them the keys to my house, take off, and tell them to have fun destroying my house like they did their own.  I'm tired of being responsible for everything.  Every single time my mother asks to talk to me, I want to leave, because she only ever wants to talk to me to challenge one of the rules we have for them, and how it's not fair to her.  I have started demanding she spend some time with our daughter.  It's not happening yet, but I'm still working on it.  She'll tell me that she came out for a minute the day before and my daughter ignored her.  I ask if she even told my daughter she was there.  She won't answer me.  I tell her she can't ignore her and then expect her to be all excited when she is around.  She has to work on it, that our daughter is three, and she's 59, but no longer will she go a month at a time without seeing my daughter at all.  The doors to their rooms are three feet apart.  That's RIDICULOUS.  Dad wants to be able to complain to me about all the things wrong in life, but if I even mention my discontentment for a second with something going on, he literally gets up and walks out of the room.  I am so not kidding about this.

My dad is in charge of dishes, yet I'm still having to do several loads a week because he can't keep up... he's only 66.  Mom is 59 and doesn't help at all.  Not a finger, ever.  She stays in her room all day long every single day, and wonders why no one wants to throw her a 60th birthday party next year... um, she won't even visit with anyone when they come over.  She doesn't want to.  Why would she do something she doesn't want to do?  I literally just want to shake her and tell her that's life.  The Duke is in charge of cat food, cat litter, mowing the lawn once a month, and the garbage.  Everything else I'm in charge of.  Our money, our house, our car, all the meals, all the cleaning, all the laundry, and everything to do with our child.  Everything.  I go to bed exhausted from standing my ground with kids and my parents all day, being ignored all the time, and no one caring to help.  My house is never caught up.  There are not enough hours in the day to keep up with this many people. 

In the past two weeks, these have happened.  The bathroom mat got pushed and blocked the door from closing correctly, so that it had to be slammed to close it.  I left it that way for three days to see what would happen, no one fixed it.  The scales got flipped over in the bathroom somehow, I left them for two days.  No one noticed to fix it.  I left the bathroom toilet for two weeks, and almost made myself sick.  With five people and one bathroom, it had a black line above the water line an inch thick all the way around.  I finally had to ask the Duke to take care of it because I was going to throw up if I had to look at it any more and I determined I was not the one cleaning it.  I recently stopped helping with dishes since it's not supposed to be my job.  By the end of the week my counter, stovetop and table top were covered.  So, when my submission turns into me being a slave, I start to build resentment.  I don't mind taking care of my house, I love doing most of this stuff, but I mind being expected that I'm the only one taking care of it. I can't keep up with them all.  I have a job too, just like him, plus I do most of taking care of our daughter.  My dad does do most of the grocery shopping, and some of the dishes, but mom does nothing at all. Something has to give.  I need more help.

Every time I talk with the Duke's mother, she tells me how I'm either not taking care of my house right, not being a good mother, and not being a good wife.  This summer, the Duke got livid when he ordered a chicken meal with taters, and when he got it home, it was half fries and half taters.  I mean, he was livid, he doesn't get angry often, so this surprised me.  Yet, if his mom attacks me over and over again, he just shrugs it off figuring I'll take care of it if it's really bothering me, not realizing that every time I try to deal with it, she makes things worse.  I have asked for his help with her over and over again, and he never gives it.  He's just glad it's not him she's attacking.  I try to not be a nagging wife, so I literally will make a mental note of the exact day I last brought up something like this, and make myself wait 6-12 months before bringing it up again, or longer, so that it gives him time to think on it and grow, and for me not to be a nag.  But, then he thinks because I don't nag, it's not important to me, even if I was crying or near livid when I tell him. :(  I just... honestly feel he cared more about those taters than he does about me.  He's never gotten even a quarter that livid if someone is mean to me...

I'm exhausted of having to deal with everyone all day long.  I'm exhausted from dealing with everyone else's tempers and complaints and bad days, and then when I finally show that I'm having a bad day, or sad, angering everyone and being told I am way too sensitive and get upset too easily, mostly it's my mom that says that, and, no, never the Duke, but he doesn't stop it either.  I'm tired of having to be strong for everyone else, and no one stepping up to be strong for me. 

So, I finally sat down with the Duke a few weeks ago and said I was done.  Absolutely done.  That if I died that day, no one would miss me, save our child.  They would miss all the things I did for them, but that they would not miss me.  I told him I was worthy of mattering and being loved, and that if I wasn't to them, I would have to leave.  Not to be mean, not to get back at them all, but because I had to protect myself from more harm.  He didn't believe me.  two days later I addressed it again.  And still, he saw how happy I tried to be each day, and brushed it off.  So we talked a third time, and I think he's finally starting to understand how unloved I feel.  He thought doing a thing or two would fix everything, but I told him we were talking about years of neglect, years of him and everyone else abusing my love and my want to help.  That I was empty with everyone only taking, and no one feeding into me, and that it wasn't going to be a quick five minute fix.  As a submissive, I really long to be cared for, to matter, to be led, to obey, to take care of, to help.  But I can't just be taking care of and helping without being shown I matter, without a bit of leading. 

I feel selfish being at this point... but that's what has happened.  He's trying now.  I know he wants me to be better right away, but I just don't have it in me.  I still feel unloved, and like he's just acting at loving me right now.  His compliments and encouragement are done in a very fake voice, he doesn't know how to give them sincerely, he's never had to.  I encourage and compliment him daily, but he doesn't know how to. :(  He's started to help, if I flat out ask.  He still doesn't just look around and see if there is anything he can do to help.  He's starting to check on me a few times in the past few weeks.  One day he checked about if I was getting enough sleep, and one day he ordered me to eat healthier, I wrote about that day.  And those things are good, and helping, I wish he would do it more, but we'll see.  He did a maintenance Monday night... and I wanted to tell him I needed longer, but didn't want to do anything to wreck the fact that he even tried.  I just hope we can keep growing.  I can't take being ignored anymore.  I can't take being treated like a slave with no thought to my physical and emotional well being.  I matter, and I can't pretend any more that I don't.  DD saved us before, it made him happy and stopped being so depressed, it helped him see how much I care and helped him care for me, it made him see outside of himself and invest in me and our marriage, and he was happier for it.  This withdrawing into himself totally, isn't doing anyone any good.  I can compliment and encourage him until the end of the earth, and when he's like this, it doesn't matter.  I need him to do this for him, for me, for us.