Thursday, August 02, 2018

When I Asked Him To Reassure Me

I finally broke down and asked the Duke for something last night that I have never, ever, ever asked for before, at least as far as I can remember.

I looked at him, and told him I was feeling out of depth, overwhelmed... even feeling little like as I felt unequipped to deal.  Lies from my mother to my mother in law about me this past week, lies from my sister to me about stuff she believed about me that wasn't true this past weekend, on top of everything else crazy in our lives right now, and I just needed to crawl into myself and have a good cry.  But instead, I looked away, but stayed close to the Duke and admitted I needed reassurance.  I needed to know I was loved.  I needed to know I wasn't crazy for wanting this... DD, D/s, etc, whatever it is we are.  I needed to know I was worthy.  I needed to know he wanted me, just as I was.  I needed to know I was enough.

And I sat there, feeling pathetic, but the need consuming me.  I felt so utterly worthless.  And he pulled me to him and held me until I was ready to face the world again.  He told me he loved me, and that even though I'm not sure he addressed every fear, those were a lot to cover, lol, he addressed enough that I was no longer feeling insecure.  He put me to bed after that with some time of pleasing to help me relax, and saw me off to dreamland.

We don't get these moments often with a house full of people, and pre DD, I NEVER could have admitted how empty I felt, and how much I needed filling up.  I wasn't laughed at, I wasn't told to buck up and be a grown up, I wasn't told my insecurities were my own problems.  He took care of me, and I felt so special.

Love that man.

8 comments:

  1. I am happy to hear your Duke was completely there for you through this time of insecurity and other people making you feel that you don't have the value that you actually DO have. I don't even know you, but through just a handful or two of your posts, you are quite valuable to the Duke and your child....this I can see.... and you are a STRONG woman from what I can see. Sadly, we all have irrational relatives that have the power to hurt us. Stay strong. Lean on the Duke just like you did. You are a team in this life. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Thank you, Windy. Seriously, that means so much to hear. And sadly, you are right about relatives.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  2. Hi EsMay,

    I'M so sorry you have been through such a tough time and feeling this way. I agree entirely with Windy, you are valuable. You have certainly been a wonderful friend to me during the years I have known you.

    Good on you for telling the Duke you needed reassurance. I'm so glad he was able to give you the reassurance you needed.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. It was super hard, but oh so worth it. Humbling, that is for sure. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  3. I'm sorry you went through that Esmay. Sometimes we have to create boundaries with unhealthy family members and love them from a distance.
    I'm glad you were able to talk with the Duke and be vulnerable with him- and that he was able to see you to a better place.
    Hugs,
    Jlynne

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    1. Jlynne, you are right. We were doing that, under the Duke's orders, and then things changed and he lessened his rules on it... but I think the Duke and I will have to look at it again, and reevaluate and maybe put those boundaries back in place now that things are changing again. And thank you, it wasn't hard being vulnerable, but I am so glad I did.
      Hugs, EsMay

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  4. That was a very sweet post. :)

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