I would like to do a post 1-2 times a month that is a Throwback Thursday, showing something cool I learned that maybe can help people today, or showing how much we've changed. Let me know if you hate it. :) Even several posts in. :) I'll put Throw in the post title like today so you will know a head of time. :) Was going to put TT but might also do one or two Thursdays a month where I will write something I'm thankful for in our dynamic. :)
~*~*~ ~*~*~
https://submittingtobeled.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-miracle-that-might-change-my-life.html
You know, in all my processing in my blog last night, I TOTALLY forgot to tell you all the beautiful thing that DID happen in my maintenance story.
Usually when I am as upset as I was the other night during maintenance, I storm around the house. I raise my voice, I slam cupboards. Then I see my husband, and he becomes the target of my rage. Why is he such and such a way. Why can't he do this or that right. Why is he still struggling with the same things he's been struggling with since we got married, and on and on go thet attacks. There is often a screaming match with God in the midst of this as well, and when I mean that I tell Him off, I mean the F word, middle fingers stuck in the air, a full out rant. It gets bad. But it gets worse. I then start calling myself HORRIBLE names. I've even yelled at myself in the mirror a few times telling myself just how worthless I am, pulling out all the old pet names my mother used to so cruely have for me. This only happens a few times a year, and only since our son has it been so bad, but when it does happen, I'm uncontrollable. I HATE this about myself. I am so ashamed to even admit this, even my friends don't realize this about me. I am so afraid you will all not want to talk to me again after knowing this. But I feel I have to be honest... so that I can share how much I've already been helped.
I hear myself say to calm down, it doesn't work. I tell myself I don't need to do this, but I do anyway. I tell myself I can over come this, I can't. Once the anger starts to build, no matter how much I fight it, it needs to run it's course, even if I succeed in holding off the anger, it still builds, and cannot be denied. Not until I can cry can I begin to find a balance again, and this can take up to an hour, though usually not quite as long. But you all know how much damage can be done in ten minutes of a temper tantrum.
But this time? My husband spanked me, not even realizing how much I needed it. I broke down. I bawled. He held me, I talked, and talked, and talked. And you know what? There was no anger. No temper tantrums. I had nothing I had to go back to my husband and ask forgiveness for. I hadn't accused my husband of anything unfairly so that he started worrying he'd have to make changes he doesn't have to make. I didn't have to go to God saying how sorry I am that I told Him off as well. My scardy cat wasn't hiding under the bed. All around, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!
So now we'll be looking at ways to see my triggers, my warning signs, and for him to just grab me and spank me. I do admit, I'm more prone to these tantrums when I'm sick, hormonal, or too tired, and right now I just might be doing all three.
So even though I had to get him to cut the maintenance shorter than normal, what it did for me this time was amazing. Sorry I forgot to share that yesterday, still was processing on making him stop. But the maintenance itself was such an eye opener to my tantrums. I have not had a real one since we started DD, or not that I can remember, and so this was the first time to see if DD would help. YEAH, it did! :)
Timely post for me, since I am just at the beginning of my journey. This is what I am hoping for. You have given some insight for me, knowing you are years into this dynamic. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my blog, Boosghost2, and to this dynamic. :) It can be a lot of work at first, but so many of us find it worth it. :) And I promise, it gets much easier after the first bit. :) :)
DeleteEsMay
Thanks for the encouragement EsMay! It would help if I could get past the embarrassment. However, I am determined!
DeleteHello. :) I tried to reply on my tablet two days ago, but it wouldn't let me. :) Sorry for the late reply. I want to tell you the embarrassment totally goes away, but I'd be lying... or maybe it does for some people, but it doesn't for me. The Duke asks me to naked kneel sometimes. He asks me to obey when I want to do anything but. He'll get me to get into very exposed positions at times just to show me that he is in control. But I've learned something - I have loved to crave, and almost love, the embarrassment. You know, I think I'm going to do a blog post on this, and why I do crave it.
DeleteEsMay
Hi EsMay,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful idea to re-publish posts that show the changes in you, the Duke and your relationship as a result of DD.
I can definitely relate to anger and tantrums and am so glad DD has helped.
Hugs
Roz
Thank you, Roz. :) I just was looking back, and was amazed at how much we've grown. Things I'd forgotten about... and I thought how cool it would be to show some of the ways we change and may not even realize it. :) I know some of the things floored even me. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Very interesting. I found that my emotions have been come a tad more erratic since ttwd. We are not new to this, but prior I was closed up and would hide any bit of disappointment. Years later I am still trying to figure out why the emotions fly out the way they do. A dear friend told me it was due to the fact that I am living my authentic self and I am so unfiltered that I respond in such a way. I find she is far to generous with her comment! LOL. Hoping soon a miracle will come my way and I can respond accordingly or heck, maybe he'll just be perfect I won't get upset ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Evelyn. :) To be honest, I have that going on too. :) DD has such a way of making us vulnerable, exposed, and taking away our layers and walls of protection. I do have less tantrums, but I think part of that is because I have a rule where I'm not allowed to hide how I feel, not allowed to keep it secret when I hurt, have to tell him if I'm upset... and so it doesn't have a chance to build. But I'm also more likely to cry, feel vulnerable, exposed, if that makes sense. Hmmm, perfect husbands... when he becomes one, can you send a road map over for the other HoHs???? :) ;)
DeleteEsMay
I am reminded of a conversation we hd some time ago (but recent enough) about how im managing my outbursts better and am able to “tell” BIKSS how im feeling instead of ranting and telling and hurling accisations only to discover later on what was the actual problem in the first place. Its wonderful that we can go back to our blogs/journals and see the changes - for the better!
ReplyDeleteI would love to keep on reading your throwback posts so please keep them coming!
*yelling not telling sorry.
DeleteThat is awesome that you guys can see the changes, Fondles. :) It's great to see those blog and journal entries and learn how far we've come. Sometimes we just don't realize how much we've grown until we're reminded of how things were. :)
DeleteEsMay