Friday, May 11, 2018

Sorry, Sad Post

I'm still here... I've been hurt and emotional lately, and haven't known anything good to share, so I'll just be honest.  And you should know I am PMSing, exhausted, overwhelmed, and possibly getting the flu, so I'm sorry I sound so sad.

Life is hard right now, and no one thing makes it hard, but a lot of everything.
Please know I'm not trying to bash anyone in my home, just sharing what my life is like, and welcoming prayers if anyone wishes too.

I walk on egg shells all day.  One thing is that I can't just share how I think and feel.  I'm all the sudden VERY alone in a house full of people.  My Dad gets upset about things and he shares why he's upset, he teases like crazy, and is always quick to point out if I am wrong.  I am not allowed to do anything of these things.  If I do, I have a very cranky Dad.  My mom is in her room all day long, and then wants me to do things for her.  I'm not kidding, it's not rare for her not to come out for six weeks at a time except for the bathroom, which I often don't see, so I don't see her for weeks unless except for when she's yelling her head off for things she can do herself.  The Duke has always been hard to ask questions to, it comes from his mother always having ulterior motives in wanting to know what was going on in his life.  But I'm the one who pays for it.  So if I make a mistake and ask him a question, he either flips out, or tells me nothing is wrong, and then when he finally sees I'm upset after weeks and months of this, and we talk about it, he tells me that of course I can ask him things, only to have the same behaviour repeat the very next time for over 10 years now.  Things are still stressful at the Duke's work, and I spend at least three to five phone calls a day encouraging him, and I think he's getting depressed, but he won't seek help.   

Dad is always worried that I can't take care of myself because I have headaches, and I get that since Mom says she can't do a thing for herself because of them, but I can, and I refuse to let them rule me.  All three of them and my daughter need me to be emotionally strong for them, to encourage them left, right and center, and in return, no one is around encouraging me, or just letting me share.  I all the sudden feel very lonely.  I want one person to listen without it being used against me later.  If I share with the Duke that I need his help, he all the sudden thinks I'm the enemy, and I'm not sure where that is coming from. :(  And of course, asking him is a question, and so impossible. :(  He's a great man, please know that, just, I don't know what is going on with all the people in my life.

Don't get me wrong, Dad helps a lot with dishes and laundry, and will take our daughter once in a while if we can find date time, which with me working days, and the Duke working evenings and weekends, is rare.  The Duke also will take our daughter when he can, but mostly he's home at bedtime or later, and she doesn't go to bed before 10 or 11, trust me, I'm working on that like mad, and she won't budge.  So by the time she's asleep, I need to be asleep for work the next day.  I just, am exhausted, need some alone time, and with I could just talk to someone in my household about anything on my heart.  :( 

And in crisis mode, I feel so alone.  Like today, my daughter said her belly hurt, I knew she was going to throw up, Dad was in talking to us, I was trying to get him out of the room quickly, but he moved so slowly to stay right with her.  I needed to get a towel, and he wouldn't move.  So I finally had to go to her room to grab one from there instead of the bathroom which was only 3 feet away because he wouldn't move from in front of the door once we got there.  So then she threw up on my carpeted hallway, and not into the toilet bowl which I could have gotten her to in time had I been allowed to move.  I was so frustrated.  I mean, come on, think.  The Duke is the exact same way in a crisis.  Are all men like this?

I do want to write here, but I don't know what about right now.  Life is just spinning out of control, and I fall into bed exhausted every night with so much that didn't get done, and I'm not even taking on anything extracurricular right now.  This is stuff around the house, for my family, and for my job that have to be done.  I get to church on Sundays, and that's it right now. :(  My friend has offered to kidnap me for yard saling a few hours many Saturdays over the summer, and I'm going to try to find a way to go, just to get out of my house.

So I'm sorry for the depressing post, but wanted to explain why I haven't been writing.  I'll try to get back to it soon, once I can find more of a balance.  You all mean so much to me, thank you for following along.

18 comments:

  1. Big Hugs, EsMay ... so sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. It's difficult to be in the middle of everyone else and all looking to you for support ... take care of yourself as much as you can ... nj ... xx

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    1. Thank you, nj, going to try to. I now have the flu I think that daughter had, but will work on it soon. :) Hugs

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  2. Hi EsMay,

    I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time right now and not feeling supported. As Nora Jean said, it is difficult being in the middle with everyone looking to you.

    We are here to listen and offer support. I wish we were closer, but I'm here via email.

    Sending love and huge (((hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, so much, Roz. I will have to get to emails. Had to replace my computer, and am behind. :( Hugs

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  3. Dear EsMay,
    I say take Roz up on that e-mail offer because writing to her in detail will meet 2 of your most immediate needs. The first is you need girl time with someone that cares about you and vice versa. It does not matter that it is only online. You are a writer and reader so you respond to the written word quite well, I imagine. Secondly, writing about this stuff even one thing at a time will be an emotional release for you and it may let your brain begin to make some sense out of all of this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am a brand new blogger, but I am not new to the trials of family life mixed with the struggles of dd/ttwd. And from what I have felt when I have read at least some of all these ladies' blogs and the comments they leave for each other, they aren't new to any of that stuff either and they are quick to offer their support. So, good for you for writing here and reaching out. Hang in there, one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing, Windy. I do find that sharing creates some freedom. And thank you for the prayers, they are so appreciated. Hugs

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  4. Oh.....hugs, prayers and all the good thoughts I can possible send you. Sometimes life is just darn hard...but good friends help. I consider my blog a 'safe place' for me to rant or complain or even to whine...we are a non-judgement bunch and are here to support each other. Big hugs...abby

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    1. abby, that is so true, and I am so thankful for all the support. You all know how to make a girl feel loved. :) Hugs.

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  5. Hey you, Writing to all of us is the first step. You get to speak your mind, get your thoughts in order, and you'll see there are many of us who care. Feel free to email me too! You've got a lot of family dynamics in this post but what struck me is you are surrounded by adults who seem to rely heavily on you for all kinds of things. Your daughter is a different story but somehow, it sounds like you're the girl in charge of taking care of business. So, if that's true, then follow the rules of the airlines. "If the air masks deploy, take care of yourself first and then your family." Hugs and hugs and hugs. Take care of you. Keep writing. Take a walk if you need a break. And know we are all out here.
    Amy

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    1. Thank you, Amy, and I really liked that. :) If the air masks deploy. :) I talked to the Duke, and he's going to try to help more. Hugs

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  6. Esmay, the older I get the more I realize that so many people face really difficult and challenging times in their lives. Many don't share those times with others because they feel embarrassed. The key I have found is letting others in, by explaining as you did here.

    Spring is here, even if it is just for a few minutes, try and sit on the step outside or walk around the block so the weight of your situation can lessen for a moment or two. Go out with your girlfriend, or spend extra time at the grocery store in the floral department. Steal little extraordinary moments in ordinary situations.

    I know you are a religious person so gratitude generally goes hand in hand with that, but I find if I 'up' my mental gratitude (ie someone is screaming, and I find gratitude in the sugar I am stirring in my coffee, or the fact I can hear all sounds even negative ones...that sort of thing). Sounds hokey, but you know what? It offers a little bit of 'sunshine' on a cloudy day. A small warmth happens inside and reminds me I am still 'here'.

    Lastly, don't ever feel the need to add disclaimers on your blog. It is your blog...if you can't be yourself unaltered here, where on earth can you be?

    willie
    Ps. Amy is right, "You can't pour from an empty cup"...so make time for yourself. It isn't selfish putting yourself first, it is only selfish if you expect others to. Remember that.

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    1. You know, Willie, those are wise words. Sometimes I sit there, and am just in tears, and I thank God for blessings, even though they are hard. I am blessed with things to fix on my house because I have a house, blessed I have to deal with tantrums because I have the daughter I prayed for, etc... it helps, but sometimes they are pity thanks, lol, but I am working on them being more sincere. I took your suggestion, and even though I think I have that flu now, I went out and it helped.

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  7. hi esmay, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. How hard it must be. I think the worst must be the pressure of having your parents living with you. The strain of that must be enormous. Are there no agencies that could help you with them? Give you a break form it sometimes. I hope you can find a friend to talk to, maybe someone from church....
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Thank you, Jan, it can be hard. There are blessings, and many days things are great, but then things add up. I am not sure about agencies, they are still quite young... so that looms a head of me at times too...

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  8. I'm sorry to read this. I tend to agree with Jan - your main problems are your parents. I get that you feel responsible, but on the other hand you only have one life - they (or she) already spoilt your childhood - should that continue for the rest of your life? Also think of your daughter. What should she think about her grandmother? That it's normal behaviour to never get out of her room. Concerning her it wouldn't matter anyway where she lives...
    As for your Dad, I can't even imagine the situation you described. I get that he didn't want to leave her, but how could he block the toilet? And how could you not say "Dad, we need the toilet - quick"... Anyway I know I only know what you write here and of course you can judge this better, but there has to be another solution than them living with you. I am also a christian and I get your feelings, but as I said you only have one life as well and have to think of your child.
    Did the Duke read this?

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    1. Hi anonymous, the Duke has not read this yet. Not because I'm keeping it a secret, but because he's been at work so much, and it's just been crazy busy, but we have talked about it. We have been praying about what to do with my mother. The resources for them to move are not there, but we will be talking about making some rules. As for the toilet, I did ask a few times for him to move, but I guess I wasn't clear, or he was over worried about her... anyway, wires got crossed.

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  9. EsMay sending HUGS and prayers your way. Gosh you are sure in a hard place. You really do need to take up your friends offer to go on Saturdays. A bit of time to yourself will make a world of good. Like Roz I'm around if you want to email. Stay strong lovely lady.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. Thank you, Lindy. I haven't been able to get out yet, was sick with two flus in one week, I consider that an accomplishment I never want to hit again. LOL But hoping to get out with her this coming Saturday. :) And thank you, that means so much that we can email.
      Hugs, EsMay

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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