I'm still here... I've been hurt and emotional lately, and haven't known anything good to share, so I'll just be honest. And you should know I am PMSing, exhausted, overwhelmed, and possibly getting the flu, so I'm sorry I sound so sad.
Life is hard right now, and no one thing makes it hard, but a lot of everything.
Please know I'm not trying to bash anyone in my home, just sharing what my life is like, and welcoming prayers if anyone wishes too.
I walk on egg shells all day. One thing is that I can't just share how I think and feel. I'm all the sudden VERY alone in a house full of people. My Dad gets upset about things and he shares why he's upset, he teases like crazy, and is always quick to point out if I am wrong. I am not allowed to do anything of these things. If I do, I have a very cranky Dad. My mom is in her room all day long, and then wants me to do things for her. I'm not kidding, it's not rare for her not to come out for six weeks at a time except for the bathroom, which I often don't see, so I don't see her for weeks unless except for when she's yelling her head off for things she can do herself. The Duke has always been hard to ask questions to, it comes from his mother always having ulterior motives in wanting to know what was going on in his life. But I'm the one who pays for it. So if I make a mistake and ask him a question, he either flips out, or tells me nothing is wrong, and then when he finally sees I'm upset after weeks and months of this, and we talk about it, he tells me that of course I can ask him things, only to have the same behaviour repeat the very next time for over 10 years now. Things are still stressful at the Duke's work, and I spend at least three to five phone calls a day encouraging him, and I think he's getting depressed, but he won't seek help.
Dad is always worried that I can't take care of myself because I have headaches, and I get that since Mom says she can't do a thing for herself because of them, but I can, and I refuse to let them rule me. All three of them and my daughter need me to be emotionally strong for them, to encourage them left, right and center, and in return, no one is around encouraging me, or just letting me share. I all the sudden feel very lonely. I want one person to listen without it being used against me later. If I share with the Duke that I need his help, he all the sudden thinks I'm the enemy, and I'm not sure where that is coming from. :( And of course, asking him is a question, and so impossible. :( He's a great man, please know that, just, I don't know what is going on with all the people in my life.
Don't get me wrong, Dad helps a lot with dishes and laundry, and will take our daughter once in a while if we can find date time, which with me working days, and the Duke working evenings and weekends, is rare. The Duke also will take our daughter when he can, but mostly he's home at bedtime or later, and she doesn't go to bed before 10 or 11, trust me, I'm working on that like mad, and she won't budge. So by the time she's asleep, I need to be asleep for work the next day. I just, am exhausted, need some alone time, and with I could just talk to someone in my household about anything on my heart. :(
And in crisis mode, I feel so alone. Like today, my daughter said her belly hurt, I knew she was going to throw up, Dad was in talking to us, I was trying to get him out of the room quickly, but he moved so slowly to stay right with her. I needed to get a towel, and he wouldn't move. So I finally had to go to her room to grab one from there instead of the bathroom which was only 3 feet away because he wouldn't move from in front of the door once we got there. So then she threw up on my carpeted hallway, and not into the toilet bowl which I could have gotten her to in time had I been allowed to move. I was so frustrated. I mean, come on, think. The Duke is the exact same way in a crisis. Are all men like this?
I do want to write here, but I don't know what about right now. Life is just spinning out of control, and I fall into bed exhausted every night with so much that didn't get done, and I'm not even taking on anything extracurricular right now. This is stuff around the house, for my family, and for my job that have to be done. I get to church on Sundays, and that's it right now. :( My friend has offered to kidnap me for yard saling a few hours many Saturdays over the summer, and I'm going to try to find a way to go, just to get out of my house.
So I'm sorry for the depressing post, but wanted to explain why I haven't been writing. I'll try to get back to it soon, once I can find more of a balance. You all mean so much to me, thank you for following along.