Thursday, April 05, 2018

A Little Bit Of Everything - Closing Thoughts

This is post 5 of 5. :)

First of all, thank you guys soooo much for how supportive you were in my last post.  I can't tell you how much it's helped me.  I feel freer to try now, freer to be me.  I know I will probably still struggle, but it helps not feeling alone.  You are wonderful people. :) 

And sorry it took so long to get this out, I've had it typed for weeks, but got sick again this week.  Is cold and flu season over soon??? :)

So, in conclusion, we are many things, and maybe even more things than we've shared in the past four posts.

Domestic Discipline (DD)
Dominance/Submission (D/s)
Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism (BDSM)
Little - But Not Age Play

I write mostly about DD, but am finding the more I settle into myself and can be honest with myself about what I like and don't like, and about what I want and don't want, I'm finding things about myself that I never knew, or have been learning along the way bit by bit.  And the more I learn, and the more I seek inside myself, the more happy the Duke seems to be with the changes.  Changes I thought would have him running for the hills when we first started on this journey over five years ago.

He gets turned on so quickly now.  He is so quick to use my body for his pleasure, and yet at the same time, he gives more pleasure than he takes.  He also uses my body in ways I used to hate, and now love.  Nothing that hurt me mind you, just ways of pleasure I used to not like, but now I love, and now he tells me how proud of me he is for being willing to try.

He guides me in ways I always dreamed of, like being told when to go to bed, being told when to sit down because I'm so exhausted and wished someone would just see how much I need help.  He even steps in and takes over decisions I wish I didn't have to make.  As some of you may recall, I had a sister that was saying very hurtful things to me a year and a half ago.  I kept putting up with it in love, crying my eyes out over and over again because her words hurt so much.  Finally the Duke put his foot down and said I couldn't talk to her anymore.  What a relief.  The choice was no longer mine.  He was protecting me, and I could rest in knowing the abuse was ending because the Duke was putting an end to our communication until she could treat me kindly again.  She is in our lives again, but the Duke is very cautious, and could take that away again at any time, and it's great to know I don't get to decide, he'll take care of it for me if it needs to be.

So... some things about me that make me who I am, and make us who we are.  A collage of many things, and still, as I keep learning, there will probably be more, and I'm loving every minute in the discovery.  What makes it more beautiful is that like I said, the Duke is loving every minute as well.  I don't know if I am like any other woman out there, and that is the simply beautiful thing about TTWD.  Picking and choosing what works for you, what makes you tick, what makes you crave, what makes you feel complete.  It's different for every person.  I love being unique.  Sometimes I fear that, but then I look at the Duke, who is so utterly fulfilled and loving in our marriage, and I know I'm doing something right.  He never looks at another woman.  Not in real life, not in a magazine, not on TV.  I can't wait to keep finding the things that make him happy and keep his attention.  He says it best when he says there is no reason to go looking elsewhere when I keep him so happy at home. :)  Those words just make my heart swell.

(This is not to send judgement to any marriages where the husband's eyes may stray, and that doesn't mean you haven't given your all.  And if that is your story, I am so sorry.)  {{{HUGS}}}

The Duke's Deductions:

I just want to say that Esmay has been very patient with me over our marriage. There has been lots of times where I have been tired, I have been selfish, I have been uncaring, or stubborn. And she keeps giving, keeps putting herself into this relationship, and keeps believing it can be better. So I am very thankful for that. I was immature when we got married, and in many ways basically acted like a kid, and in many ways there are still ways I need to grow up more, but we are going through this together. I feel like her submission since we started TTWD has really grown, and she has really learned to accept my leading in that area. As a result of her submission, I believe I have grown in my confidence and in feeling more secure in our marriage. I think early on in DD I was a lot less confident and so was more anxious about whether I was doing DD correctly or whether I was messing DD up, and so was not as comfortable as I am now with it. Due to her being submissive, I can now look at her and see that I can do what I want with her and that she is willing to listen to me. 

EsMay again - Sometimes he just makes me laugh.  Everything so sweet, and then that last line, like he's some kind of animal. ;)  LOL  But there is much truth in it too. :)  The beauty is in the fact that often what he wants to do with me is just to take care of me... or... well, ravage me. :P  Love this man of mine. :)

10 comments:

  1. Hi EsMay and Duke, I have really enjoyed this series of posts. Thank you for being so open and sharing how ttwd works for you.

    This post made me smile :) Your love shines through. I'm so glad you have found what works for you both. As you said, we all find our own unique way in ttwd.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. It has definitely been nice to go through the self reflection. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  2. What a wonderful way to start my day...thank you for this series and for being so open and willing to share...that goes for both of you. There is an old Frank Sinatra song..."I did it my way"...In TTWD...we did it our way is more appropriate, but so true...that is one of the reasons we all seem so want to blog...the acceptance of doing things our way....Duke...thank you for sharing your thoughts, it is so interesting to read both your thoughts. hugs abby

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    1. Thank you, abby. :) Glad we started your day off good. :) I like that, we did it our way, and so true. And I'm glad you liked Duke's thoughts, I'll have to tell him you said so. I was so thankful he wrote on these posts. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  3. Hi EsMay thank you for coming over to my blog and adding me to your roll. I'm glad to meet you, one little to another.

    I identify with D/s and DD/lg - probably the second one more. And like you I felt that some might judge (not the little thing, but the us not being married and having an affair thing... ) but then I realised what a lovely lot of people exist in Blogland. And as for your litte-ness - embrace it. Its so freeing to be able to just be "small" again and let Daddy do his thing. For us it finally felt like we had found the right fit when we learned about such a dynamic! (no age play for us either.. i identify as a "middle" more than a little... )

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    1. HI! Thank you for visiting. :) And I wrote you about the little vs middle thing, and then wondered if I should have done that... I hope it was okay. :) I'm very interested in learning about it. :) And I am so thankful for the support over my little side, and each time someone supports me, I feel this happiness in my chest, and heart, this accepting and joy... thank you. :)
      EsMay

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  4. Great series! I'm so happy you were able to open up and share the many aspects of your lifestyle freely with all of us. I learned alot. Thanks!
    --Baker

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    1. Thank you, Baker. :) It was hard at times sharing, but for some reason I felt the need to. So thankful everyone was so wonderful to us. :)
      EsMay

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  5. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know that it can sometimes be hard to open up, or talk about certain things.

    I find that the anonymity of the internet helps a lot though. I am MUCH more open on my blog about my relationship and goings-on with Sir than I am in real life. We're kind of closet kinksters. Not out to our families, definitely not out at work, and only out to a select few friends.

    But on the internet, to mostly like minded folks, I pretty much put it all out there!

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    1. Lea, I do think you are right. I share things on here that I would never share in person, even things that would be acceptable, I am less likely to share in person. But here, with all of you, I feel I can be myself without having to worry so much about being right or wrong. I can just be me. :)
      EsMay

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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