Tuesday, March 13, 2018

My Answers - Part 2 :)

Here is another set of answers. :)  I promise this is not as sad as my last post. :)  Though one of you did have a question about my Dad's role in it all, so I did answer that. :)

And thank you for everyone that was so supportive of my last post.  It meant a lot.  Seriously.  Your words helped heal my heart.  Thank you.

And if you have more questions, please feel free to let us know. :)  They can be for me, the Duke, or both of us. :)

--- Baker: My question is this...is there something new you'd like to try out in your dd relationship? If so, what is it and why?

Hmmm, I am not sure.  I have a hard time differentiating between DD, D/s and some other lifestyles we feel we are.  I really have to publish that post explaining the different things I think we are. :)  I just keep tweaking it.  Anyway… hmmm.  We have become very adventurous and have tried most everything I wanted to try… I think. :)  There are a few implements I’d like to try that I shared yesterday. :)  But the Duke has been very good at at least wanting to try the things I want, and then we decide from there if we like them.  And sometimes they aren’t what I hoped, and rarely he himself doesn’t like what we try.  I just asked him your question too, and his reply was "No, if there was, I would try it, wouldn't I?"  Um, yes, yes he would. lol

This isn’t really something new I’d like to try, but I’d like us to get to the point again where the Duke is more comfortable putting his foot down and keeping it down.  Sometimes I just want to feel his authority, and I’ll question him once, and he’ll give in.  I want him to have the assurance again like he used to that he’s got this, and I have to obey and listen to him.  I want to feel it again how much he has me, especially when it comes to my health and safety.  I think he’ll get there again, he’s already improving, but I’d love for him to tell me it’s bed time, and then if I say I want to stay up, him not give in, but tell me it’s still time for bed and things like that.  I don’t know…  when he stands up to me, I feel so important, and so loved. - 30 hours later - I wrote this post yesterday morning (except for Duke's answer above)  Little one did not let me sleep that night, and we finally got almost 3 hours sleep yesterday morning at 9 am.  The Duke put his foot down about me sleeping last night because I was so tired..  How is it that I just seem to write something down, and then all the sudden it’s like he’s read my thoughts even though I didn’t show him?  This has eerily happened many times.  I told him I didn't want to go to bed when he wanted, and he said I had to.  I asked if I could read for half an hour once in bed.  He said no.  And he wasn't going to budge.  I was sad to go to bed so early, I was ecstatic that I couldn't talk him out of it!  I swear, the men might not be able to read our mind when we first start DD, but I'm beginning to wonder if they learn how to over time! :P

--- Anonymous: If you don't mind me asking, I'm not quite sure what to make of your Dad's role in all of this. It seems your Mom was the worst, but what about him - did he know about it? Did he treat you well? Of course you don't have to answer.

Dad didn't believe my siblings or I about what was going on because mom was adamant that we were lying.  I don't bruise usually.  Though for some reason the loopy makes me.  Go figure. ;)  But aside for my bottom with that, it is rare that I bruise.  My mother, on the other hand, bruises super easy.  So she'd have bruises all over her from me trying to defend myself, and I wouldn't have a single one.  So she was able to tell my Dad all the time that I was beating up on her, and so he’d punish me on top of the abuse.  My daughter also is showing that she doesn't bruise, and that sends panic to my heart.  Not that I ever wouldn't believe her, but I worry that she might be hurt and not tell me, and I would have no outward signs to know. :( 

It wasn't until I was out of my house, maybe even less than a year later, I was reading “The Knight and the Dove” by Lori Wick, and it was then that I realized how bad things were with Dad.  In the book, Megan has been abused by her mother her whole life, and it isn’t until she is forced into an arranged marriage with a man named Bracken that she sees how bad it was that her father knew of the abuse, but did nothing.  Before they are married, she and Bracken spend a couple of months living at his castle, while being chaperoned by his aunt, Louisa.  They have to go to her home for her wedding dress to be made up.  Her mom hurts her and leaves a scratch on her cheek that scars later on.  When Bracken finds out what her mother has done, he takes Megan back to his castle, and tells the parents before they leave that all future meetings will happen at his castle where he can supervise what is happening, and then tells Megan’s father that he can’t control his wife.  Her father is livid, but then broken hearted when he learns that Megan feels the same. She admits to Aunt Louisa that she’s realized that even though her father had never abused her himself, he had knowing allowed the situation to occur, and so was just as guilty as her mother.  She finally saw in Bracken how it was to be protected.

So, my thoughts on my Dad changed for the worst at that point, and I didn’t talk to my family for quite a while… almost two years, I believe.  I think there might have been a few times in there we had to talk about something outside of us, it’s been over 20 years and it’s hard to remember, but if I did talk to them at all in that time, I quickly ended the conversations, not wanting anything to do with any of them.  Dad has realized over time the truth.  He greatly buffers my mother and I now.  He does protect her more than I like, but I understand that to some degree.  At one point, a decade or so ago, he even told me he was sorry that he wasn’t inviting me home for visits, but he worried what mom might be like if we met on her turf.  So they came to visit me every time.  I haven’t been home since 2001, and that was only for a few minutes to show someone where I lived while we were travelling.  I think before that it might have been 1997 or1998 was the last real visit where I stayed over night.  My brother just bought the place from my parents last year, and is tearing it down.  It has been condemned from my understanding.  Before he tears it down this summer, he has invited us all to see it one more time.  I am debating going.  I have so many bad memories there, but, the Duke has never seen it.  It does seem odd to him to never have seen where I grew up.  But he says he is okay not seeing it, it’s just weird.  He has left the choice up to me and does not want me to feel pressured to go if I think it will be a bad idea.  It does seem a waste to drive three and a half hours to see an abandoned building, my brother is cleaning all the junk out, though that might be easier to see it empty.  My parents were major hoarders, so seeing it without stuff may make the memories less stifling.  Though I’m not sure.  There was a mural on one wall, it was of a forest with water running through it, in our living room.  I loved that photo, and it calmed me when everything else was going crazy.  – I just looked it up and found it after several word choice tries!  Or it’s VERY similar. :)  It was on the left wall when you entered the living room.  The TV was in front of it, but I still liked it for what I could see through the mess and TV.  Couldn’t find a picture without a watermark on it, sorry.


  1. Hi EsMay,

    I enjoyed reading your answers and admire your honesty. The picture is beautiful :)


  2. Hi EsMay Love the mural. You are a very brave girl returning to your former home. Hope it doesn't drag up all the memories. Good luck!
    Hugs Lindy xx

    1. Thank you, Lindy. I haven't fully decided yet, still debating. :) {{{HUGS}}}

  3. That is a lovely, calming picture. Thanks for sharing....I hope it helps in the healing. hugs abby

    1. Thank you, abby, and you're welcome. :) {{{HUGS}}}

  4. Since they are tearing it down maybe you could go destroy part of it? Maybe that would be cathartic? The mural is lovely, I can see how it would be calming. Thanks for sharing your story. Hugs!

    1. Hmmm, that is something I never thought of... I'll have to think on that. Right now, my first reaction is no, but who knows. :) And I'm glad you liked the mural too. :) I kind of wish we had one, and kind of glad we don't. :P
      hugs, EsMay


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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