Friday, March 30, 2018

A Little Bit Of Everything - And A Little?

This is post 4 of 5.

Little - But Not Age Play

I shared this about myself a bit a while ago, well, parts of it... this one is a hard one to share, and I share some new things here.  I'm embarrassed, and vulnerable, and scared to death while typing this, but still feel I want to share so that you get a picture into who we are, so that people can relate to us better. 

Part of me gets scared sharing because I know how DD, D/s, and BDSM are generally accepted, but not littles, and I am not like any other that I've met, heard about, or read about, you'll see why below.  So I don't fit the mold at all, but I'm honestly not sure what else to call what happens.  Maybe little isn't even the right term, but it's all that I know to call it at this point.  I'll let you decide.  Maybe you have a better name for it for me? :)

***Before I explain this, I need to admit why I said we don't age play.  This is not against anyone who does, it just isn't what we do, and if you do, that is great. :)  We all have to make our lifestyles work for us. :)  For us, we don't make this a lifestyle, it's just something that happens or doesn't.  We don't immerse ourselves in it.  I don't usually like to sit and colour, I only watch young girl movies when babysitting, and I only play with toys when babysitting or playing with little one, not ever something I want to do on my own, etc.  It's more a personality that comes out when I say 'little'.  Let me explain.

So what happens to me is that sometimes I'll feel scared, unwanted, overwhelmed, lost, or even in good times when I feel extremely vulnerable or lots of joy.  That is when it happens.  I feel little, small, young, in desperate need of protection, of unconditional love, and being taken care of.  When I say need, I mean, down to the core of my being, so intense I almost can't breathe through it at times.  It in itself is overwhelming.  My voice gets small, I shrink, and I'm embarrassed.  I had noticed this of myself throughout life, and never let anyone know it was happening.  I'd hide away and tell myself to grow up.  But then one day it happened with the Duke during a spanking.  I hid, I hid it, spank after spank, until I was beyond thought, and then it happened before I realized the words were even out of my mouth.  "I'll be good, Daddy!"

I FROZE.  I had NEVER thought of him like that before.  I had NEVER thought of anyone like that before.  I panicked, and tried to scramble off the Duke's lap, but he wouldn't have it.  I started crying, and fighting against him for all I was worth, but he's way bigger and stronger than me, and told me he wasn't letting me go.  He then asked why I'd called him Daddy.  I couldn't answer, my heart constricted, my breathing choked in my chest, and I was in a complete state of panic.  He asked again, and then he demanded I talk to him.  I told him I didn't know.  I didn't, and I just wanted away from him to process whatever in the world it was that had just happened.

He held me, and comforted me, and let me know it was okay.  But then, not long after, maybe a few weeks, maybe just days, it happened again, this time while being intimate.  I know, I know, it's not supposed to, and so I was even more upset with myself because by this point I'd heard of littles.  The more comfortable I became around the Duke, the more easily it happened.  Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen all the time, but probably 2-3 times a month for about 5-15 minutes, if that, and over half of those times happened when we were intimate, even though I tried to tell myself that was wrong, bad, not socially acceptable, but it still happened.  We now know the things that usually make it happen, and I'd learned to not hate myself when it did, and then even thrive when it did.

Then, in the past few years, it stopped happening almost altogether.  When I was in labour, for the first time ever, I became a little in front of other people.  The Duke doubts everyone else knew, but I kept blanking out, I was still conscious, but there is about five hours I don't remember of labour.  The Duke said I'd ask several questions, get this look in my eyes of confusion, and then ask the same questions all over again.  He said this happened dozens of times, and that I was little through it.  He promises me he doubts anyone else understood what was going on, but he did.  He saw the fear, how lost I was, and he heard it in my voice, and how my speech had changed.  So if he saw it, I have this overwhelming fear that others may have realized it too. 

Also, my parents have moved in.  The reason I think it even ever happens is because of the abuse I had.  I think it's my mind trying to find a way to reclaim that innocence I was never allowed to experience, the unconditional love, the protection, the being taken care of.  With them around, I do not feel I can be that vulnerable.  So, when I wrote this a month or so ago, I had said it might be something that doesn't happen again because it hasn't in quite a while... but then two nights ago happened, and it was back, which is why I didn't post it a few days after my last post like I did with the others in this set.  When it happened, I was so upset, I couldn't even talk to the Duke.  He was floored when I called him Daddy in that little voice, and I couldn't deal.  I ran from the room, telling myself I was not going to cry, worried I was being rejected.  He found me, and told me he wasn't upset, just shocked because I had said I didn't want it happening again, he had tried several times to coax my little out over the past couple of years, feeling it was good for me to let her out, and I fought it tooth and nail.  I admitted I didn't mean for it to happen, and didn't even realize I was slipping until I called him Daddy.  I begged him to leave me alone, I was emotionally over wrought, and he finally did after trying to talk to me several times, and then I felt horrid.  I was so vulnerable, and I had pushed away the one person who would comfort me through it.  I'm still shaken up about it two days later, and feel that side of me hovering, begging to be let out until I can process through all of this.  I have been sick with bronchitis and really bad headaches for two weeks, that probably does not help my inability to deal with this.

In many ways, she is freeing.  I have had much healing when that part of me comes out because the Duke gives me extra love and care.  The Duke loves me when I go little, he says I have this excitement over little things, I am extra cuddly, I am extra sweet, and innocent.  When I'm little, for that brief period of time, I don't think, I just follow.  I just am super obedient, I never fight against him, I am so giving to him, and long to please him to the center of my being.  He says it's like I thrive over being told what to do and having to obey in those moments, that I get this look of peace when I have to do as he tells me.  There are even things I'm too nervous or embarrassed to do normally that that side of me begs to do.

So... a part of me.  I'm trying to embrace it again, I had in the past, but I'm finding it so difficult right now.  I'm starting forty in the face, and I just feel I should really be grown up by this point, and not in so much need of coddling when I feel like this.  I'm embarrassed by this side of me, the need that over takes me when it happens.  I do not like being that needy, to the core of my being.  I don't know how to feel that it happened all the sudden again.  I don't know if it's because I knew that this post was coming up and it's been making me nervous, or if it would have happened on it's own.  I just don't know. :(

I totally understand if this post turns people away... I am so confused by it all myself.  I had it all figured out at one point... or I was accepting of it at least... hoping I can find the balance so I'm not so uncertain.

The Duke's Deductions:

I like when the little side comes out. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed about. I remember a while ago when Esmay told me she had wanted to stop being little or calling me Daddy, and I didn't quite understand it, I just assumed she was no longer interested in it. I had been trying to stop treating her little since she had told me she didn't want to anymore and catching myself because it became such a normal part of our lifestyle together, so it confused me when she called me Daddy earlier this week after saying she didn't want to do that anymore. I feel Esmay is especially vulnerable right now, probably because of her being sick this week and our daughter being sick.

It can be hard because I want to do what is best for her, but it can be hard to tell what that is sometimes. What is best for her can sometimes be the opposite of what she wants in a particular moment, or can sometimes be something that can make her unhappy with me in the short term but will be better for her in the long term. Sometimes as an HOH I need to trust that she trusts me to try to do what is best for her. I also sometimes can have fear of making a bad decision, and need to trust that if I do make a mistake in this relationship that Esmay still loves me and will still forgive me and that I can learn from it.

EsMay again - Man I love this man!

14 comments:

  1. Hi, EsMay and Duke,
    I know this had to be a hard post to write, but I'm hoping it helps you heal and find what you need from this part of your relationship. I'm always thankful when someone is honest with what they are going through, honest enough to share those tough things going through their hearts and minds. Sending hugs! This is a very good post!
    --Baker

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, thank you, Baker. I am glad that you liked it. It was definitely raw and honest and what I'm going through. I'm glad I decided to be brave enough to press publish, which I may or may not have forced myself to press and jump away so I didn't revert it back to draft right away. lol
      Hugs, EsMay

      Delete
  2. Hi EsMay and Duke,

    Thank you so much for being so open and sharing this with us. I do understand your hesitation in doing so and aplaud you.

    EsMay, you have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. As you know, I have a little side also, and as you said, little, not age play. In fact, after all this time without any ttwd we are starting to embrace this aspect of us again. It is a state of greater vulnerability.

    I'm so sorry you have been sick, and that you have been struggling with this aspect of your relationship recently. I can understand what you say about not wanting to embrace this with your parents living with you. I hope you two can work through this and come to a place that works for both of you.

    ((hugs))
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Roz. :) You know, I forgot that when writing this, and now that I think about it, I know a couple ladies who have littles. Oh, it's a comfort to remember that. Thank you. {{{HUGS}}}

      Yes, having parents here add a whole new dimension on it, but the Duke and I talked last night, and he really wants us to try this again... so here we go. Half terrified, half feel so much love from him.
      Hugs, EsMay

      Delete
  3. I agree it was very brave of you to write this. Now let me tell you a little bit about myself. This might seem to be the reverse side of the coin for you, but I see such similarities. Something happened to me as a teen. While I have always remembered that night, I didn't remember the way I do now (after starting ttwd, I started to get 'flashes' of a different memory). For a few years I had these triggers that would send me right back to those memories- always in intimate situations. I shared what I understood of it with B at the time, but for whatever reason he would sometimes forget in the heat of the moment what these triggers were. And to be fair, they didn't always appear. As time went on they appeared only when things weren't perfect with me/us emotionally.

    Anyway, instead of allowing my vulnerability to come out, I would get angry. These triggers brought about feelings I had suppressed about that night. And if I am to be totally honest, I don't even trust my 'new' memories of that day. So I am stuck in a sort of limbo there. My point to this story is... I finally stopped all together with those triggers. Time, communication, whatever reduced the occurrence so much so that I can't remember the last time I experienced one.

    I am not saying you need to 'get rid' of this side of you. I am saying you might need to face it head on. Maybe if you do then some day the portion of that side of you you describe as a little will be out more and more, but because of reasons you desire, and therefore won't be fearful of but embracing of.

    The one thing I have recognized with D/s in our house is that it has unearthed a LOT of emotions, insecurities, undesirable history for both myself and B. An old blogger once told me, " If I knew ttwd what going to be an ongoing therapy session, I am not sure I would have signed on" LOL. I find the deeper we go with vulnerability, the more we discover- and recover.

    Maybe some don't have these experiences, but I do know countless who do. You probably won't read too many blogs concerning that but trust me it happens more often than you think.

    Please just trust the process. Think of these times as setting a bird free from its cage. Embracing whatever you discover good or bad without disclaimers, is truly the only way I have found to be weightless and wholly, inexcusably ME.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh wow, Willie! I love that line! "If I knew ttwd what going to be an ongoing therapy session, I am not sure I would have signed on" I so may quote it one day in a post. It is so absolutely true! lol

      Thank you, what you said really resonated with me. I do want to embrace that side at times, and other times terrified of what it means. But when I embraced it before, things were really great... and I can't even explain why I'm so nervous this time, because I know I can trust the Duke. I wonder if it's because I'm worried of my parents finding out... not sure.

      The Duke and I talked last night, and he wants to try to bring this side out more, and so that is what we're going to try. Hopefully I can get to this again - "Embracing whatever you discover good or bad without disclaimers, is truly the only way I have found to be weightless and wholly, inexcusably ME." Thank you.

      Hugs, EsMay

      Delete
    2. I reread your post looking for a timeline of the times you feel little. So if my timeline interpretation is wrong, please forgive me, but perhaps it is the fact that you have a little one in your house now? I often find it difficult to reconcile all facets of myself with other influences, either physically or mentally around. I don't live anywhere near my parents but I will say when they are here or I am there, I click 'back into' daughter and vanilla wife mode. This also happens when I need to confront one of my children about something. Though I have been able to be myself with them around mostly as they were here throughout all of our transitions in D/s.
      Hope you discover the why you are afraid this time. For me I generally need to know the 'whys' before I can move forward.
      willie

      Delete
    3. I have wondered if being a mother now is one reason it was easier before, and now I'm really struggling. And my parents here, even more so. I have to be responsible all day, and then that little bit of time I get with the Duke, the switch, it's disorienting, and sometimes I feel I don't have time, sometimes I'm embarrassed my parents might come knocking on our door. Hmmm, I will have to think on this. :) I think I'll try to just let go for the next little bit, and when I'm having a hard time, try to figure out why so that I can deal with those issues. I do feel the same way... needing to know the whys, and sometimes get stuck on them. :) lol

      Delete
  4. EsMay, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling, but thank you for sharing! When I first was learning to embrace my little side I had a lot of hesitation as well, and societal conditioning teaches us that women must be strong and fearless, tireless and serious. We can be, and are those things, but not 24/7! For a long time I could not embrace my silly, playful side because I thought other people would think less of me. Over the past couple of years though, I have learned to integrate more fully my little characteristics with who I am. At work, I am in charge, but I am still playful. At home, I am second in command, his princess, and a happy girl. It doesn't matter what others think as long as we are Happy! I only call my husband Daddy in private so we don't embarrass our teenagers �� I really hope that your comfort with this aspect of yourself grows as you let the Duke guide you through. Sending love your way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. River Wild, thank you so much for sharing. It's such a comfort to know that I'm not alone. I like that, embracing your playful side... that might be a good way for me to start to relax in this, because my little side is playful when she's not in desperate need of cuddling. :) :) I loved how you put it "societal conditioning teaches us that women must be strong and fearless, tireless and serious. We can be, and are those things, but not 24/7!" That is so true, I think we need those times to recharge, be fed into, and taken care of... hmmm, I really like this thought because I think that is what I've been doing, trying to take care of everyone all the time and I go to bed exhausted just to wake up and start all over again... maybe embracing my little side would also help with the headaches I've been suffering with so much the past few months... Thank you so much for sharing, and I also love how you said letting the Duke guide me through. That's beautiful, so beautiful. Love and Hugs, EsMay :)

      Delete
  5. WOW, what an amazing post....thank you for writing it, and sharing. I have never reverted to being a 'little', but I did have a very difficult time of letting go, and letting M take care of me. I was used to taking care of myself, and those around me...and did not want to risk the hurt of giving that up. I did get there...it took way too long, and I am so thankful that I met the man who would do that. Your post shows me that you also met the exact man you were meant to be with...not that I ever doubted that. We are lucking to have met that person with whom we can be whatever it is we need at the time....it is surely a blessing...
    bugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, abby. :) I am so glad that M was so good with you, and that he helped you let go so that you could trust him. He sounds like a wonderful man. :) Yes, I am so thankful to have found the Duke, and the he lets me be what I need to be. :)

      Hugs, EsMay :)

      Delete
  6. I am new to your blog, EsMay, so I still have a lot of reading to do. But, Day 4 of this series was really just so incredibly moving. I am so glad to see the wonderful and wise support you are getting from your fellow bloggers. (I found your blog through theirs.) Anyway, I'm just really profoundly touched by your comments and theirs. Thank you for letting us see your vulnerability, your struggles, and your successes. You and your Duke keep taking care of each other in every way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Windy, thank you so much for visiting. :) And thank you for your wonderful comments. Everyone has been so supportive, and it has really helped me be more open and honest with myself this week in a way that I haven't been able to for a few years. This really is a great community. :)
      EsMay

      Delete

Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

Troll comments and spam will be deleted.