I get a bit descriptive physically in a couple of these
posts, not this one, and share more than I ever have... so please skip over
them if you think that will bother you. I
have put this warning at the beginning of those posts. I promise to be back to my normal posting
after. :)
I was going to share everything in one post, but some of my
posts lately have been super long, and I want to get back to having them
shorter so that they're easier for you to read.
This post is now going to be five posts. :) Four will explain the different things we are. The fifth will explain why it all works
together for us. :) I'll do one a day
for five days.
As we get further and further into our roles and our
dynamics, one things stands out. I seem
to be a little bit of everything, and in reading some of your blogs over the
years, I think some of you feel the same way.
So I've been working on this post for several weeks, working on how I
think about each thing so I hopefully can portray it right. Just a little insight into who we are.
DD - Domestic Discipline
So of course we have to start with DD since this is a DD
blog usually. :) I crave discipline and
being held accountable, having structure and being told what to do. I have always, even as a child, been driven
to obey, I feel it in my heart, and literally, a physical pull in the center of
my chest.
I crave having to listen to the Duke, and knowing I will get
into trouble if I don't behave. I really
crave having to follow certain rules, and the look the Duke gives me when I've
pushed too far. I crave the dominate
voice he will use if he needs to be firm, when he doesn't make a mistake and
break out laughing that is. ;) I grew up
with abuse, as you know from past posts, but DD has healthy expectations, the
rules are clearly defined, and the punishments that will come. I know they are done out of love and to help
me beat bad habits and be a better me. They're
not for making me pay for not doing good enough or being in the way, but to
help me the best person I want to be, and to bring a balance to our marriage so
that two people aren't fighting for control.
I like not making all the decisions, in a world where I make
decisions all day, and am in charge all day, I like letting go and letting the
Duke take over. I like not having to
decide certain things, that he'll take care of me, that I just have to follow
him. I like being able to sit back and
allow freedom to roll over me because I don't have to worry about this or that,
the Duke takes care of it.
I guess in saying the rules are clearly defined above, I
should admit we have no real and hard rules anymore. We tried, and instead of guiding me, they
made me feel smothered. So we don't have
any hard rules... well he doesn't like me to swear, and it's rare I do, and he
likes me in bed by 11:30, but it's usually still up to me if I'm tired enough
or not. Over all though, we just know
when I've acted in a way that neither of us is pleased with. We both seem to know when I've crossed a line
in my behaviour or attitude and need to have me reeled in. I don't like being or feeling out of control,
and am very thankful the Duke can bring me back to a place of submission and
control. We have talked about adding a
few rules for my health, and we're tweaking them to be what we know we can
maintain. Maybe I'll share what they are
when we have them realistically hashed out. :)
The Duke is going to share in these 5 posts. The first part he shares here really floored me and worried me at first, but I love what he says before he's finished.
The Duke's Deductions:
I think I had trouble with the rules as I have trouble
keeping rules for myself. In my personal life I am more inclined to follow
routine or habit then having difficult rules for myself, so trying to keep
track of them for someone else did not seem to work well either. I have to
wonder sometimes though, when it comes to DD, if I was really caring enough or
loving enough, wouldn't I make the effort to enforce the rules? Am I just a
lazy person? Consistency is a big hurdle for me. I have so many things I wanted
to do on a daily basis in my own life that have fallen over they wayside over
the years, such as exercise, trying to follow a healthy diet, trying to
practice and learn an instrument, keeping the place clean, etc. The only reason
I have been able to keep up with daily Bible reading lately is because they let
us read at work when we aren't busy but not go online or bring electronic
devices in, so I have a lot less distraction. But at home, I have to wonder if
I am addicted to TV or being online or playing video games? Probably not the
video games at this point in my life, but at the beginning of our marriage that
was probably more of an issue. Then I wonder, since the HOH's are the ones
enforcing the rules, does that imply the TIH's have problems following rules
while the HOH's have it all together? Because I don't have it together, I am
not a disciplined person. I hate doing things that require work and wish I
could relax and do nothing all the time, so how can I in good conscience force
another person to have to do things that are work and limit the fun they can
have? That's the thing, I feel like life in general is too hard as it is, how
can I make it harder for somebody else? And how can I make the decisions when I
feel like I don't understand the options and really don't feel like I want to
take the time to figure out the options? That's the other difficulty I have as
an HOH. I am supposed to be in charge, but I have not in general lived a life
that was wisely lived. My life I feel has been mostly marked by fear and
indecision. I have spent nearly 13 years at a job that I don't especially want
or like that I just took because I needed a job, any job, at the time once I
was done university, and am either too afraid or too lazy or both to try to
find a job that would be right for me. I have trouble deciding what I want to
eat for supper, just ask my wife. So, how can someone like be in charge and
make decisions for another person. So you can see why DD has constantly been a
personal struggle for me, but also a tool of my growth as a person. I believe
in ways it has made me more confident as a person, more loving as a spouse,
more in tune with the needs of my TIH. You learn these things by practicing DD,
by trying to figure out how to do it in a way that helps your partner. I have
learned that DD in the end is not really about me and where I am at in life
although I think I learn and grow from it. I think it is about how I can really
serve my wife, how I can help her, how I can demonstrate love to her. And from
that point of view, when you realize the real aim of DD in that way, we can
discuss and negotiate what DD should actually look like for us as a couple
compared to what every one else does. Even
though we share on this blog, and show you parts of our marriage, it’s still
just us in this marriage. I have to remember that people who write about their experience with
DD online are not part of our marriage, even though we can learn from them. There
is no one else with us in our bedroom or during a punishment. At the end of the
day, it is just the two of us in our marriage, so what we do is going to be
what works for us, and its not going to be the same as what everyone else is
different, and that is OK because we are different people from all of you, and
your marriage will be different from ours.
EsMay again - and all at once I remember how much the Duke
shares in written word that he has a hard time putting into actual words. I sometimes don't have any clue how hard his
role is in all of this. I felt really
guilty reading the first part of what he wrote, and so much better about the
middle of what he wrote. :) And yes, as
always, if you practice, make it your own. :)
It's your marriage/relationship.
:)
EsMay, both of you are extremely wise in how you perceive and make this work for you. I love the insight you have both provided here and will share it with Hoss. Thank you.
ReplyDelete--Baker
I am glad that you liked, Baker. :) I hope Hoss will like it too.
DeleteI so very much appreciated your perspective on this. I don't think either Sir or I define what we do as DD, more as D/s, but there is so much overlap.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated hearing the Duke's perspective. I feel that my Sir would get much from reading it; I find we have consistency and determination issues. It's really hard for me, but reading a man's perspective helps.
Thank you both, so much.
There really is so much overlap... I said something like that in the next post I put up, which I talk about D/s. And I found reading the Duke's perspective really helped me as well, and glad it helps you too. :)
DeleteMy Sir read it and he really connected with what the Duke had to say! I think that helped him a lot.
DeleteOh, Lea, that's great. :) It's so good for our men to hear there are others out there like them. :) Makes not being able to share this in real life a little less lonely. :)
DeleteI enjoyed reading both your perspectives on how DD works for you, thank you for sharing. I think many will benefit from reading this.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thank you, Roz. :) {hugs}
DeleteWhen we first started this, I was mostly worried about me...how hard would it be for me to submit...what I discovered, is that M has the harder roll...Consistency is a tough thing to maintain, but so needed...hugs abby
ReplyDeleteIt really is a hard thing to maintain, isn't it? Depending on life, family, work, etc, it isn't always as consistent as other times, but we strive for it, together. :) {hugs}
Delete