I get a bit descriptive physically in a couple of these posts, not this one, and share more than I ever have... so please skip over them if you think that will bother you. I have put this warning at the beginning of those posts. I promise to be back to my normal posting after. :)
I was going to share everything in one post, but some of my posts lately have been super long, and I want to get back to having them shorter so that they're easier for you to read. This post is now going to be five posts. :) Four will explain the different things we are. The fifth will explain why it all works together for us. :) I'll do one a day for five days.
As we get further and further into our roles and our dynamics, one things stands out. I seem to be a little bit of everything, and in reading some of your blogs over the years, I think some of you feel the same way. So I've been working on this post for several weeks, working on how I think about each thing so I hopefully can portray it right. Just a little insight into who we are.
DD - Domestic Discipline
So of course we have to start with DD since this is a DD blog usually. :) I crave discipline and being held accountable, having structure and being told what to do. I have always, even as a child, been driven to obey, I feel it in my heart, and literally, a physical pull in the center of my chest.
I crave having to listen to the Duke, and knowing I will get into trouble if I don't behave. I really crave having to follow certain rules, and the look the Duke gives me when I've pushed too far. I crave the dominate voice he will use if he needs to be firm, when he doesn't make a mistake and break out laughing that is. ;) I grew up with abuse, as you know from past posts, but DD has healthy expectations, the rules are clearly defined, and the punishments that will come. I know they are done out of love and to help me beat bad habits and be a better me. They're not for making me pay for not doing good enough or being in the way, but to help me the best person I want to be, and to bring a balance to our marriage so that two people aren't fighting for control.
I like not making all the decisions, in a world where I make decisions all day, and am in charge all day, I like letting go and letting the Duke take over. I like not having to decide certain things, that he'll take care of me, that I just have to follow him. I like being able to sit back and allow freedom to roll over me because I don't have to worry about this or that, the Duke takes care of it.
I guess in saying the rules are clearly defined above, I should admit we have no real and hard rules anymore. We tried, and instead of guiding me, they made me feel smothered. So we don't have any hard rules... well he doesn't like me to swear, and it's rare I do, and he likes me in bed by 11:30, but it's usually still up to me if I'm tired enough or not. Over all though, we just know when I've acted in a way that neither of us is pleased with. We both seem to know when I've crossed a line in my behaviour or attitude and need to have me reeled in. I don't like being or feeling out of control, and am very thankful the Duke can bring me back to a place of submission and control. We have talked about adding a few rules for my health, and we're tweaking them to be what we know we can maintain. Maybe I'll share what they are when we have them realistically hashed out. :)
The Duke is going to share in these 5 posts. The first part he shares here really floored me and worried me at first, but I love what he says before he's finished.
The Duke's Deductions:
I think I had trouble with the rules as I have trouble keeping rules for myself. In my personal life I am more inclined to follow routine or habit then having difficult rules for myself, so trying to keep track of them for someone else did not seem to work well either. I have to wonder sometimes though, when it comes to DD, if I was really caring enough or loving enough, wouldn't I make the effort to enforce the rules? Am I just a lazy person? Consistency is a big hurdle for me. I have so many things I wanted to do on a daily basis in my own life that have fallen over they wayside over the years, such as exercise, trying to follow a healthy diet, trying to practice and learn an instrument, keeping the place clean, etc. The only reason I have been able to keep up with daily Bible reading lately is because they let us read at work when we aren't busy but not go online or bring electronic devices in, so I have a lot less distraction. But at home, I have to wonder if I am addicted to TV or being online or playing video games? Probably not the video games at this point in my life, but at the beginning of our marriage that was probably more of an issue. Then I wonder, since the HOH's are the ones enforcing the rules, does that imply the TIH's have problems following rules while the HOH's have it all together? Because I don't have it together, I am not a disciplined person. I hate doing things that require work and wish I could relax and do nothing all the time, so how can I in good conscience force another person to have to do things that are work and limit the fun they can have? That's the thing, I feel like life in general is too hard as it is, how can I make it harder for somebody else? And how can I make the decisions when I feel like I don't understand the options and really don't feel like I want to take the time to figure out the options? That's the other difficulty I have as an HOH. I am supposed to be in charge, but I have not in general lived a life that was wisely lived. My life I feel has been mostly marked by fear and indecision. I have spent nearly 13 years at a job that I don't especially want or like that I just took because I needed a job, any job, at the time once I was done university, and am either too afraid or too lazy or both to try to find a job that would be right for me. I have trouble deciding what I want to eat for supper, just ask my wife. So, how can someone like be in charge and make decisions for another person. So you can see why DD has constantly been a personal struggle for me, but also a tool of my growth as a person. I believe in ways it has made me more confident as a person, more loving as a spouse, more in tune with the needs of my TIH. You learn these things by practicing DD, by trying to figure out how to do it in a way that helps your partner. I have learned that DD in the end is not really about me and where I am at in life although I think I learn and grow from it. I think it is about how I can really serve my wife, how I can help her, how I can demonstrate love to her. And from that point of view, when you realize the real aim of DD in that way, we can discuss and negotiate what DD should actually look like for us as a couple compared to what every one else does. Even though we share on this blog, and show you parts of our marriage, it’s still just us in this marriage. I have to remember that people who write about their experience with DD online are not part of our marriage, even though we can learn from them. There is no one else with us in our bedroom or during a punishment. At the end of the day, it is just the two of us in our marriage, so what we do is going to be what works for us, and its not going to be the same as what everyone else is different, and that is OK because we are different people from all of you, and your marriage will be different from ours.
EsMay again - and all at once I remember how much the Duke shares in written word that he has a hard time putting into actual words. I sometimes don't have any clue how hard his role is in all of this. I felt really guilty reading the first part of what he wrote, and so much better about the middle of what he wrote. :) And yes, as always, if you practice, make it your own. :) It's your marriage/relationship. :)