Tuesday, February 27, 2018

The Duke Judged :(

The Duke doesn't know yet what I'm sharing here, I am still processing.  It's not that I am withholding information from him, it's just that I had to be out when he got home last night, something that very rarely happens, and then the little one didn't go down until late, and it slipped my mind at that point.  He's now at work, and this is not something I want to talk about over the phone on his breaks.

My Dad was talking to me yesterday about how late the Duke has been going to bed.  My Dad is great, but he seems to have not noticed that he too stays up late and that is how he knows the Duke does.  I said some nights I wonder if he's waiting for me to go to bed.  Usually I go to bed a lot earlier than the Duke, but every once in a while I stay up quite late if my head is bothering me, which it has been for several weeks now.  I do have a doctor's appointment this afternoon which I hope will help with this.

So I told Dad that the Duke knows he can tell me to go to bed if he feels I am keeping him up or he thinks I'm up too late for my own good.  To which my Dad replied quite snarkily and seemingly in anger. "Yes, but does the Duke have to go to bed when you ask him?"

I was upset.  My Dad knows I am submissive to the Duke, though he does not know to what degree.  He has no idea that in the past week alone I've been spanked, I've been plugged, and that I've had my wrists bound (not all at the same time, though that has happened in the past too.) :).  But he does know I let the Duke lead me, and that I will obey him.  My Dad has always thought this was good before, and never said a thing against it.  So this floored me.

But I was also upset because my Dad sees our relationship, and knows that in our marriage, the Duke is often an over pleaser, sacrificing much for my happiness, even when I argue with him that he's doing too much.  That my Dad would look at him in such judgemental light was completely unfair.

So later on I said to my Dad that I thought he was being unfair.  That he knows the Duke quite well, and knew that the Duke would do just about anything I asked of him.  He agreed the Duke would. Because the Duke is this way, I very rarely ask the Duke to do things that are outside of needs because I don't want to feel in charge, but he will almost always do something if I ask.  Yes, he demands things from me, especially my obedience, but he is even quicker to give than take in our marriage.

So tonight I'll talk to the Duke about it.  I don't want to.  I don't want him to know that my Dad thought such things.  But, it's in my rules that I have to discuss anything that is bothering me with the Duke so that I don't bear my burdens alone.  I'm glad I have this rule, even though it can be quite embarrassing at times.  It leaves me vulnerable and free and I don't have to go around carrying all this guilty weight on my shoulders.  I hope he spanks me, I have this guilt over me over all this, though I know none of it is my fault.  I just, need to have all this taken from me when I'm already dealing with so much else in my life.  I rarely ask for a stress relief spanking, but I think one is in order.  Now to get the time to do it.  I am hoping we can find a way tonight.  I just really need to physically feel the Duke's strength right now.

10 comments:

  1. Such a difficult situation to be in...having 3 generations under one roof is not an easy thing..even when they all love each other. I hope you find a way for that spanking tonight...
    hugs abby

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    1. It is definitely so hard. I know letting them move in was the right thing, I just didn't understand the full extent of how hard the lack of privacy would be. We did do a spanking, but them my little one wanted in her room right next to ours, and so my Dad and her ended up in there, and we just were too afraid that no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't keep it "THAT" quiet. :( We'll try again in a couple days. {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. Hi EsMay, I agree, it must have it's difficult moments having your parents under the same roof. I'm sorry you were made to feel this way and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

    Good on you for sharing with the Duke. I hope you get the resolution you need.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. I realized after that it wasn't necessarily guilt... though probably still some. IT was that I felt judged, and because it was said in such a way about something so close to the very heart about who I am, it made me feel like something icky was trying to destroy my precious gift with the Duke. Thankfully I can see that now and am ready to stand firm against it if it ever comes up again, and the Duke discussed what he would say as well if he were confronted like that. {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. EsMay I hope you find a way to talk to the Duke and have your stress relief spanking to put everything right again. Good luck!
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. Thank you. :) We tried, you'll see up in my answer to abby that it didn't fully work, but it helped. :) Hopefully we can try again soon. {{{HUGS}}}

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  4. I thought about posting this, because I don't want to upset you further, but it just stays in my head, so here I go.
    Do you think that there's the slightest chance your Dad does know more than you think and was angry because of this - because he can't understand why you would let the Duke spank you? I may be completely wrong here, but it sounds that this kind of comment isn't typical for your Dad, so either he was upset about something else and it doesn't have to do anything with you at all, or he suspects something. Of course it's difficult to find out if this is true, without really giving your secret away... Maybe you should just pay attention if in the next time he is more critical of the Duke than before...
    Anyway I hope this thought didn't upset you further (maybe you thought about this yourself before?). I hope your headaches are better as well.
    Take care.

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    1. Eeek, that could be a bit scary. Not for me, I don't care what he thinks about me, I need this. But I worry about people judging the Duke, or bugging my child when they're older. For me, I'd actually find a freedom in people knowing, and two friends do... but it isn't best for everyone involved for more to know. I will have to watch my Dad for a while and see. :) And thank you, I hope they're better soon too. :)

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  5. That's gotta be tricky, mediating between dad and husband. I hope it works out!

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    1. Sometimes it is, but then I have to remember, I have left my parents when I was 18, and I'm married to the Duke. Just because they moved in with us does not mean I have to do as my father says, something I have to remind myself at times. I just have to do what the Duke says. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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