This is not really a DD post, but since this area of our relationship has played such an important part of my submission and in turn has helped me in DD and D/s, I just really feel I have to share. I do go into some physical detail, so please, if this will bother you at all, skip completely over this post and rejoin me for my next post which will be a normal DD post. :) But this is heavy on my heart, and I feel the need to share.
I read an article last week, and it has not settled well with me ever since. It stated that after a study done of sexually active women, only 6% of women feel comfortable with anal activity, and that most said they weren't because of either fear, or past bad experiences. My heart has hurt over this. 6% is a pretty small number. I know the numbers are said to actually be higher in alternative lifestyles, so it's probably that DD and D/s couples practice a lot more than vanilla couples, so maybe everyone here already knows this. I know I've read on blogs in blogland that several DD couples practice. So if you love anal play, you may find this post boring and you'll already know the things I talk about. :P
Now, if anal is just not something you're into because it holds no interest for you, that it totally fine. :) We all have our likes and dislikes, and they are different from person to person. I never want to try to persuade you to think about something that you don't want to as I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.
But, if you are afraid because of things you've heard, or it's been bad in the past, can I take a few minutes to talk to you about it in case I can help you at all? You might still decide it's not for you, and that's okay, but I'd like to be able to help take the fear away if possible. And if you have questions at the end, you can email me at the address to the right of my blog. And if you're male and have questions, you can write the same address but put "The Duke" in the subject line so I can make sure it gets to him.
Anal play causes such a submissive spirit in me like nothing else does, and brings me such immense pleasure, that it just is something absolutely beautiful to me, and something I often even crave with every fibre of my being now. Give me the choice of intimacy with anal play, or without, and I'm always going to choose with. Always.
So, as most of you know, your bottom is used for relieving yourself in the bathroom. But did you know it also has a lot of pleasure nerve endings? These are the same nerve endings that run to the clitoris. And that once comfortable with it, some women feel more pleasure over all in a sexual experience if anal play is done along with other sexual play? Some women can even orgasm from anal play alone I have heard. I can't admit to that myself.
But how do we get there? How does being afraid of anal play turn into something we enjoy someday, and maybe even love? I mean, the anus is tight, very tight. Aren't we just asking for a world of hurt if we attempt to do anything other than pooping from it? How does such a tight place go from barely fitting a finger inside to comfortably taking a butt plug, dildo, and maybe even eventually a man's genitalia?
Well, it's several different things, and I will try to make each one as easy to understand as possible.
First and foremost, you either need a partner that YOU COMPLETELY TRUST and is going to listen to EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAY, and let you COMPLETELY SET THE PACE, or you need to be able to physically reach into position to try these things on your own. If you can't trust, then this will probably be too hard because the key to anal play is relaxation. If you're so tense that all you can do is clench, then it will be harder for you. Nervousness is one thing, but you don't want fear. If you're with someone who is just going to force you, that's probably going to hurt too, and we want to do this without it hurting you.
So, you will need at least one thing to start. Lube. When you are starting, you cannot use too much lube. Have sheets you don't mind getting a bit wet with lube, or put a towel down. If you're going to use any silicone toys, I suggest using a water based lube so that it doesn't start to break down your toys. Metal and glass can use any kind of lube. If it's plastic, and you're not sure, go with water based lube. When you lube, lube the outside of the anus, coat the part of the item that will be inserted while making extra sure to leave where it will be held dry so it can be held well, and if you can comfortably fit a finger in, lube the inside of the anus as well. If lube gets onto the part of the object you will be holding, wipe it off with a cloth or paper towel until it's dry.
When you start, try to be in a position that naturally exposes your butt that you are physically comfortable in and won't quickly get tired in. I find up on my knees with my shoulders to the mattress the easiest, or on my side with my knees about half way up between my waist and chest with my leg that is on top a few inches closer to my chest than my lower leg. Find what works best for you. If you find it too hard in one position, try another to see if it is easier. Don't be afraid to try several positions.
Next, you want something long enough that you can firmly hold a couple inches outside the anus at all times, and thin enough that you aren't afraid of trying it. My literal first thing I think we tried was a normal bic style pen without the cap. We used the dull side. Make sure whatever you are using is one piece, and won't break apart. You don't want to risk losing something up there. ;)
Make sure whoever will be holding the object has a good firm hold on it. Lube can make it seem like the anus can take something in quicker than it can, so especially if you are using something that starts small and gets bigger the further you put it in, like many butt plugs, have a good hold so that you don't accidentally let it go in faster than you intend.
Gently push the object in. The anus has a natural slant to it, as the anus directs the object into that angle, don't fight it. Learn what that angle is so that you know with each new toy the best angle to insert it in. If you fight this angle, it will only end up hurting. If you are pressing in, and the object is not going anywhere, chances are you are going against your body's natural angel. Try pointing the object slightly toward the belly button if you are unsure.
Every time you insert something new, take your time. Insert it SLOWLY. As in it might take a minute or two, or even longer for each inch that goes in. If an item widens as it goes in, you might want to pull out a bit, and back in a bit, slowly going further in every few times. Once you can get the object in as far as is possible, or desired, move it around, twirl it, push it back and forth without it coming out, and you can try getting it out and in again too if you're comfortable. Do this until there is no fear in you and you feel you can relax every muscle in your body. If you're tense, try stimulating other sexual areas to help loosen you up, and maybe even make you crave what is going on back there.
Do not be afraid to work up slowly, in one session, or over several months. Don't be afraid to only be able to advance up by 1/16th inch by 1/16th inch at a time if that is all that you are comfortable with, or 1/4 inch at a time if you are comfortable. The goal is to set your pace by what makes you feel comfortable. If you're afraid and can't relax, then you're not ready for the next step, and that is TOTALLY okay. It is also totally okay if you only reach a certain size you can take, and you can't physically or mentally go larger. Some people find that pushing out when they get to larger sizes than they've tried before can really help. You use the same muscles that you would use to poop, pushing out in the same way, just not as hard as you would when going to the bathroom.
If you get to a point where it starts to be uncomfortable, you can ask yourself if you want to stop, or see if it will ease. If there is pain, always stop. If there isn't pain, but you're scared at all, or wanting to stop, then stop. You always want to be wanting to be there when doing anal play. If you don't, it has to stop so that you're not against doing it next time. Never allow yourself to get to the point that you'll never want to try again. Even if you decide you never want to, don't allow yourself to get to the point that fear caused it.
Give yourself time, and allow set backs. You may reach a goal you are really excited about in size that you can take, only to find next time you can't quite get there again. It's okay. You will get there again, but don't force it in if your body isn't able to take it. And as you practice more and more, the more your bottom will be more likely to be able to take the same sized items every time. Now this is if you're using things 1-2 times a month. If you go several months without any anal play, you may have to go back a bit in sizes and work back up.
One thing we tried that we read once was once I was comfortable with a finger, the Duke then hooked it inside and imagined my anus was a clock. He gently pulled at all 12 hour positions, gently increasing how much he tugged as long as I wasn't hurting each time he went around. This may or may not work for you.
One note is that if you are using something like a butt plug, it will get smaller at the very end to help hold it in place. You just have to relax again when it is taken out, and gently, and even more slowly than you put it in, tug to pull it out. You can help push it out as well if you feel you can.
Over the course of time I was able to take anything the Duke wanted me to take, and it was all because he lovingly took his time with me. He listened to every time I said I needed to pause, or stop. He always trusted me to know what I could and couldn't take. Now, I just relax completely when he asks me to do anal play. I never tense at all now. My body know instinctively that I'm going to enjoy whatever he decides to do. I submissively climb into whatever position he asks of me, and away we go. I now go mad with anal play. It drives me crazy with desire. It makes me need and want the Duke with everything in me. I absolutely love being in that place physically and emotionally. I am not saying everyone will, even if they get used to anal play, but that is how it is for me. I am so blessed by the connection it helps create between us.
An unexpected great benefit that we hadn't anticipated was that it helped the anal fissure I've suffered from since I was a child. Knowing about it, and that it could easily tear as it often did, we took a lot of time getting me from taking something small to being able to do larger items. Now, as long as we do anal play at least every 2-3 weeks, my fissure never bothers me. Sometimes we forget and go longer, and then it can take a while to get back, so it's been great adding this to our lifestyle as a help to me. :)
Anyway, I hope that even if you never want to try anal, reading about this can help take away the fear. Your body is beautiful, with so many ways to experience pleasure at the hands of the right person. That article just made me sad as it shared so much misinformation that people have about anal play. It isn't naughty, it doesn't have to hurt, it can be pleasurable, and it's okay if you learn to love it. In turn, it's totally okay as well if it never floats your boat. :)