Thursday, April 24, 2014

Two Mistakes, One Spanking

So, things here are changing.  Some of these things are going to take a bit of getting used to.  The Duke is really growing into his own, and I really, really, don't have the reigns anymore.

I got spanked the other night, for two offenses. :( I don't get spanked often for things I have failed to do, I really do try to do my best to do as the Duke asks, but on Monday, I failed, twice. I have two rules for submission sake, and only two rules. Make the bed, and wear dresses at home. I am ashamed to say that I didn't do either. And what is worse? I didn't even remember to. Monday, I had the day off, but the Duke did not. I also had a migraine. So with my schedule off, and not feeling well, it honestly never crossed my mind. The bed wasn't made because I'd spent the day in it. A dress wasn't put on, because I stayed in my pjs, just willing the pain away.

The Duke has been so patient with me during this winter. A several month sinus infection, and two bouts of strep throat, and I was quite sick since Christmas. The Duke not only was very patient with me, he also brought me breakfast in bed almost every single morning, and not just toast or cereal, but eggs, a slice of bacon, hash brown patties, and at times , toast with it. He also helped me with several chores several times. He really is taking good care of me.

But Monday, he decided he needed me to be a bit more attentive. Yes, I had a migraine, but I hadn't had it all day, just most of the day. I could have gotten the bed made and a dress on. And even if I'd had it all day, I still had the ability to do both of those things. They aren't hard, don't take a lot of energy, and neither one takes me more than a minute to do.

The spanking the Duke gave me was not hard, and he did wait until my head was able to handle it. It wasn't long. But it was a reminder that he expects a bit more out of me. That I can't take not feeling well as an excuse to get absolutely nothing done. I am to exercise every week day, and clean a room of the house every week day, he didn't hold me accountable to those, he knew they would be too much. But he does want me doing what I can. And he's right. I'm not sure why I forgot, but I expect more out of myself, and now, it seems, so does the Duke.

You know, I'm not even fully sure what it is the Duke is thinking on this, so it'll be kind of cool to read his own thoughts here. :)  Things are changing, DD is growing in areas I hadn't imagined.  The Duke is really getting me to allow him to be in charge in ways I didn't even know I needed a leader. I would have told you that after a migraine, I wasn't up to a spanking, no matter how tame.  But I was, I just didn't know it.  I have a safe word if I ever really needed to use it.  I don't need to use it though.  He knows.  I don't know how, but he knows what I can handle. 

I'm stepping back, and letting him decide.

- The Duke's Deductions:

I knew we didn't do a maintenance this past week, but I knew I still needed to do something to show my dominance and that I was in charge. EsMay is usually a very well behaved girl, but I saw my chance when I saw that she had not made the bed or worn a dress. I knew I had been slack lately on punishing her for not following those rules, so when I had the chance, I made sure to take it. I let her know that she needed a spanking. It was not a long or incredibly hard spanking, but it was enough to let her know who was in charge, and that I had expectations of her that she would need to submit to.

Monday, April 21, 2014

To The New DDers. :)

I wanted to do a post for people starting out in DD. :)  Been getting a lot of emails, thank you to everyone, by the way. :)  And a lot of these emails are from women who are worried because the "rules" of DD aren't working for them.  So I wanted to share.

It's a little advice that I wish I'd understood in my first days.

"Make It Your Own."

You've probably heard this, but the concept is so much bigger than I first thought.  And after having various beginners write me to because they felt they were doing wrong because such and such a site (usually teaching sites) said they could only do things this one way, I wanted to share with you some examples of how it is okay to not be in "the box" of DD, examples of emails I have gotten, or pm's. 

Bruises.
Probably the question I get most of all after sexual contentment.  So many women have been told from sites that bruises are bad.  Well, they may not be desireable, but that does not mean you or your husband did anything wrong.  I'm going to tell you a secret.  For a lot of women, bruises happen.  That's all there is to it.  I don't actually bruise anywhere else on my body except for a few extreme accidents.  BUT, get the loopy or carpet beater out, and I'm going to have bruises.  If you know about warm ups, they can help, but are not a guarantee.  After you do have bruises, I have heard that arnicia cream or white vinegar rubbed over the bruises.  But my biggest advice, don't worry when bruises happen.  For men, if your wives tell you they don't feel abused or beaten, take them at their word. :)  Women, if you don't feel abused or beaten, then the bruises will fade, and life will go on. :)  If it does feel like abuse then sit down and talk about it, and how it should maybe go different next time so that the feeling of abuse is not likely to happen.  The Duke and I had a few of those times where I felt like it crossed over into abuse, probably due to my abuseful past, but we worked through it, and now it's been a while since I had a night like that. :)

Rules.
I have gotten letters about this, but I fell for this trap myself.  I read a blog post on a blog that said to start DD with a list of rules, and start by using the 4 D's.  Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty and Dangerous.  So we made up our LONG list of rules.  Well some we made up just because they were suggested, things I didn't even struggle with.  But then it became a rule, and all the sudden the pressure was there to make sure I didn't do it, something I'd never done before anyway.  It also was too many for the Duke to remember to keep track of.  So over time, we have simplified the rules, and they are more of what we need, and not just to have rules.  A lot of rules may not work for you, and that is totally okay.  But maybe you need more rules, more accountability, and that is okay too.  What works for you, works for you.

Butt Plugs.
Yeah, TABOO topic, but I wanted to cover it briefly.  I have seen on sights people being publically admonished for mentioning it as a way to help submission.  They were told it was only there to humiliate and degrade the sub.  Well, I want to say that that may be so in some marriages, but it might not be so in yours.  It isn't in ours.  It has been a tool used to help in submission.  If the sub does not feel she is being degraded, and that is not the Hoh's intent, if the Hoh is trying to help the sub find submission, and the sub finds she flourishes, then use what works for you, even if others don't agree.

Punishements and Sexuality.
Some teaching blogs will tell you that it is flat out wrong to mix punishments with intimacy.  But, look at it this way, you have been told to be half naked or fully naked over your Hoh's lap.  You have then had their bare hand on your bare skin.  Not only that, but you're extra vulnerable after a spanking, in need of attention, love, cherishing.  These can natually lead to intimacy after a spanking.  It might be different for each couple, but most I talk to admit that the lesson is no less learned if it is followed by intimacy.  It isn't a reward, it's more of a bonding, and need to be in the arms of the one we love.  If this works for you, then go with it. :)

DD Is Only DD.
Well, I think you would be very hard pressed to find a relationship where this is true.  A lot of marriages, once they start DD, find they also might incorporate some D/s, some light forms of BDSM, some mild Daddy/Little Girl play, some this or that .  And maybe some of these are more intense than the mild forms I've listed.  None are right, none are wrong.  It's if it's right for YOU. :)  That is what truly matters, what works for you both.

So what I'm trying to say here is, find what works for you.  DD is different for every couple.  If something you have read or seen or heard does not resound with you, then don't feel you have to try it.  If someone says something you are doing is wrong, but you both feel it is working for your relationship, and neither of you view it as abusive or degrading, then that is what matters.  If I stuck with the sites that say bruises are bad, I need to have a ton of rules, butt plugs are humiliating and degrading, and intimacy with punishments is a no no, and DD can only be DD, then DD would not work for my marriage.  Now, there are things they have said that do work as well.  So, pick and choose what works for you. :)  I have a saying I have taken on - "Getting marriage advice should be like going to a buffet.  Take what's right for you, leave the rest behind." 

So go ahead, have fun, make it your own. :)  You also will probably find in blogs there are a lot of people that advocate picking what works right for you as well. :)  And if you ever wonder, or need someone to talk to, I, and several other bloggers, would be glad to help in any way we can.  If you see an email for them on their blog, chances are, they'll be open to your emails and your questions. :)

- The Duke's Deductions:
I agree with EsMay. The point of DD or anything else in marriage is to make you and your spouse have a happier better marriage, it is not to make some person online happy. So use what you find works and drop the things that you find don't work. Different people can't expect the same things to work the same way in different marriages.
Yes, with bruising, I admit I was worried at first. I did not want to hurt EsMay and did not want this to be abuse, so I was afraid to spank too hard. But you need to learn the best way to do spankings, and sometimes bruising may happen. And yes, I do have a hard time at times keeping track of rules if there are too many. I think a lot of HOH's may have this issue, so it is important to focus on working on the specific things that you want to work on or need to be worked on in your marriage and not try to do everything at once. And for the other stuff, yes butt plugs seem to help in making the sub more submissive. And yes, having your naked wife over your lap while you spank her can be a turn on, and I think that is OK. DD is bringing us closer together. And yeah, in general different couples will find different things that work well for them or that they like, or things that do not work for them or that they hate the thought of. That is OK. You do not have to do this the same way somebody else is doing it, and likewise if somebody else is doing this differently than you that is OK too.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

An Unwillingness To Submit

For those of you that have been worried, I wanted to let you know I am on the mend... I forgot two nights to take my last dose of meds for the day... :(  I think the reason I'm finding it so hard to remember this time, is because even though I'm still so very tired, I don't have a sore throat, and so I keep forgetting to take the meds because of this.  Thankfully just a couple more days, and I'll be done, and I do feel a lot better aside from being tired. :)

This weekend, Saturday mostly, I found my submission reaching new levels, and I have to admit, I've never really struggled more to submit.  And the horrible thing, it was over LITTLE things.

I'm short, I'm 5'3", I'm fat, I probably weigh twice of what I should {thanks to a disease the doctors and I can't seem to get under control}, but despite all that, I stay very active, and work out.  Most of my friends are 5'8" or taller, the Duke is 6'0", yet, I walk a lot, and I walk fast, faster than all of them.  I try to slow down, but I don't do it well.

Over the weekend, the Duke's parents visited us, and we went shopping at a mall with them.  The Duke and I have not been in a mall since we really got doing well with DD, and so I did not realize the ways just going to a mall would challenge me.  When we go to a store or restaurant now, the Duke pulls me right against him, and holds my hand tight until we are inside.  He has never been protective of me before, but now, he worries about a car hitting me.  Once we are inside though, I'm given free reign.  Knowing I walk so much faster than him, the Duke and I will usually walk around each other while we do our shopping.  Well, apparently the mall does not count the same as walking around a store.  It counts as a parking lot.  So the Duke kept me tight to him, and a few times, I got so annoyed with walking slow that I found myself leading him around, pulling at him to try to get him to go faster.  Yet the faster I tried to walk, the more the Duke pulled me to him, tightened his grip, and even slowed down.  It went against everything in me, I'm not kidding, I had to fight to just breathe. I felt trapped, I felt restrained.

And then I had to stop.  I didn't want to, I wanted to go, I wanted to get to where I was going.  I H.A.T.E. walking slow.  It's actually very hard for me to do for some reason.  So I decided I had to submit, I had to go at the Duke's pace, I had to let HIM lead.  Did I succeed like I normally do?  NOT AT ALL.  Three times I found myself pulling at him again, just wanting to go.  Three times I had to tell myself to submit, and three times I did it with a very unwilling heart. :(  I wanted to honour the Duke, but boy, did I ever just not want to do what he wanted in that moment.  And over what?  Walking at the speed I wanted to?

And what happened next?  This round of strep has really bothered my sugars.  With this disease, it's not uncommon for it to make my sugars too low, but this past week they've crashed a lot more.  When we were out shopping, they dropped, I knew I only had a few minutes before I was in serious trouble, but before I could even tell the Duke, he could see me swaying, trying to keep my balance without letting his parents know what was going on.  But he told them that we were leaving because he was taking me to get food.  He took me to the food court, asked me what I wanted, and made sure I sat down to conserve energy, and then he took care of me.

And yet I fought on walking beside him?  This man that would do anything for me, and all he wanted was for me to walk beside him and let him lead, and I just couldn't give in with a heart of thankfulness and a willingness to submit.  I usually thrive in being submissive, and so I've been spending a lot of time this week trying to figure out why I struggled so much.  I don't have any answers yet, and then being submissive the rest of the week has been just like normal.  So maybe I don't have to worry too much about one off day, but I do want to keep it in mind for now, to have it to chew on here or there so that I can make sure not to repeat this behaviour again in the future.

Duke, I'm sorry I struggled so much to do what is right, but I am so thankful, that me being well behaved or not, you are there, taking care of me, regardless of how well I respect you or not.  Love you.

I asked the Duke if he wanted to write to this post, like I do every post, but he said this time he was going to skip this post, that this post was about me.  I hope you don't mind.

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

The Duke Stands Firm

The Duke gets his way.  I'm still getting used to it, but that is the way I asked to have it when I brought DD to him.

I am sick again.  Strep throat again.  Hopefully I did not jinx myself with my last post.  Lol.

The thing is, while the swab was being tested for a few days, I prayed that I would be able to bear through because last time I got really sick.  So by yesterday afternoon, even though the was feeling tired and coughing, my throat felt quite a bit better.  Imagine my surprise when I got home to find a message on my machine saying I tested positive for strep.

I told the Duke I was going to ask my friend, the one I call mom, since she was a nurse, to see if since I was doing so well if I really needed to still take the meds.

He said "Okay." But as soon as the phone started ringing he said...

Wait a minute, no matter what she says, you'll still be taking the antibiotics.

But I feel so much better, I really don't want to.

You still have to take it.

There may have been a bit of a pout as mom picked up the phone.  It is a good thing I believe in obeying, even when I don't want to, or I might have thought to put the phone on talk instead of speaker phone.  She said strep is strep, and can be sneaky and can hide ten reappear later, worse than before.  I've also been fighting a sinus infection since around Christmas on my own, so I'm worn out, she knows.  Yeah, she was right.  What could I say then?  And the Duke heard every word.

I then resigned myself.  I know he's only worried about me.  So I agreed and said I would obey, since I did not have time to say so when my friend answered the phone.  I was a bit down about the ten days of meds, but I tried not to let it show, I wanted to be respectful.

We'll today I'm glad I agreed.  I was up half the night coughing, and had to take my inhaler twice.  I have not had to take it in years.  I also am getting more soreness in my throat again.  So as soon as the pharmacy is open, we are heading over.

Submitting to the Duke is not always easy, sometimes it even hurts my heart in the moment to do so, to give up what I want so strongly.  But in the end, it is always for the best, and I'm always thankful when he puts his foot down.  Even all weekend, I really wanted to do stuff, but the Duke put his foot down.  Except for a trip to the doctor on Saturday, I had to lay down all weekend, and nap on Saturday.  It was hard, but he did it out of love and concern.  Thank you, Duke, for loving me enough to go against what I want at times to do what I need.

- The Duke's Deductions:

I am so glad EsMay obeyed me without requiring a spanking.  At first I thought that if she was feeling better than maybe she didn't need them. After all she probably knows her own body. But then I realized that it was my responsibility as the HOH to look after her, and to make the hard decisions for her. To tell her what she knows she has to do even when she doesn't want to. As an HOH my job is not to make the most popular decisions but the best ones. I knew my wife's health was more important than making her happy with me in that moment and it would make her happier in the long run to know I could say no to her and take care of her.

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Submission Exercises - When Sick

People get sick, it just happens. It's been a bad winter for the Duke and I, he's missed more time in the past there months from being sick, than he probably has in the last three years. He's had three sick days. I missed a few days myself. We just kept getting colds and flus. :( And in that time, things did not always flow as normally as they did. Roles weren't always as balanced, and it wasn't always easy to find ways to help.

So over some time, here are ideas I thought might help us out the next time we face being sick. Since people liked the last set of Submission Exercises I posted here, I thought I'd share these with you as well. I just picked five of the best for each section. I put down ideas both can do if he is sick, and then ideas for both if she is sick. Hope a few ideas will help in the future if you find one of you sick. And if none of the ideas work, that's okay. You'll find your own ways to work things out over time. :)

If he is sick:
He can:
1. Admit when there are chores you can’t do. Ask her to step in and do them for you.
2. Thank her for being good, even while you are sick. Let her know it means a lot to you that you can trust her to not take advantage of the situation. Remind her you are still there for her.
3. If she goes in to work, tell her that you want her to check in on you during her breaks and after work.
4. Honestly listen to her concerns if she thinks you should take meds or should see a doctor. Remind her that the final decision is still yours.
5. If she needs a punishment or maintenance, let her know if you plan to do it when you are better or not. You could get her to write an essay, do corner time, or what have you in the mean time.
She can:
1. Bring him something you know would make him feel good. Meals, drinks, book to read, remote to the tv.  If he's lonely, offer to sit with him.
2. Offer to run him a bath.
3. Try to cut out all distractions or interruptions if he needs to rest.
4. Get him any meds he needs, remember or write down times so that he doesn't have to worry about remembering.
5. Some men find it very hard to be sick in bed. Thank him for all that he does for you, and that now, you just want to take care of him for a bit.

If she is sick:
He can:
1. Tell her to stay in bed for the day if needed, and not to worry about housework. Give her an earlier bedtime to ensure she gets enough rest. Take all devices away for an hour or two to get her to take a nap to get more rest if needed.
2. Bring her food, tell her how much of it you expect her to eat, knowing that if she doesn’t eat enough, she will not keep up her strength.
3. If she goes to work while sick, give her instructions on how you want her to spend her breaks, and what to do as soon as work is done.
4. If you have gone into work, tell her that unless she is napping, you want emailed updates every hour or two to hear how she is doing. Use these to see if you should tell her to take meds, rest, or what have you.
5. Use your judgement on when she should see a doctor or take medicine.
She can:
1. Admit to him when you need help.
2. Make sure you do not complain repeatedly over the things you are not getting done. It can all wait until later. If he does something for you, don’t complain about it not being done the way you would have done it.
3. Listen to him when he tells you that you need to slow down or rest.
4. When we are sick, we tend to revert to old habits. Shorter tempers, quicker judgements, list of commands, nasty words. Do your best to keep these under wraps.
5. Thank him for the things that he does for you. Share with him briefly how much it means to you that you can depend on him, especially when you are sick.

Not sure any will help any of you out there, but if they will, wanted to share.
Have a great night and weekend everyone. :)


The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you very much EsMay for posting this list. I have to say that when I first heard about this topic of how to practice DD when you are sick, my first thought was that even if you are not feeling well you should try to keep at least some of the structure of DD present in the marriage. I was thinking that those roles do not go away just because somebody is not feeling well, because I feel that for DD couples, the practice of DD can actually help them in stressful situations. However, to be honest as I look over the past winter I realize that I have not been following my own advice. I have been lax in enforcing DD when one of us is not feeling well, I guess because I am a bit of a softie. But if I were to really look at how important DD is to our marriage, I should be realizing that sickness is not the time to give up DD, unless perhaps it was some extreme form of illness. Hopefully looking at EsMay's exercises and trying to practice them the next time one of us is sick will help us to keep up with our DD.