Monday, March 31, 2014

The Duke Helping Me

I love the Duke.  More and more each day.

I thought DD would be about me learning to do more for the Duke.  But you know, it's also taught him about doing more for me...

He's helping out with laundry because I have a hard time reaching the dryer that is built over the washer.  He sees something that needs to be done, and does it without my having to ask.  If I'm working on something I'm struggling with to do by myself, he'll get up and come and help me before I usually even can ask.

And then there was this Saturday.  I was one of the leaders of a church birthday party.  The whole church was invited.  It was a lot of work, and a lot to do that day.  The night before I was doing up curling ribbon and balloons before hand so that decorating would be easier.  When the Duke saw what I was doing, and I'd even hid in another room so that he wouldn't feel he'd have to help me, he came and started blowing up balloons so that I could focus on the curling ribbon.  I got done so much faster.  The next day he helped set up, and tear down, and then when I started to sweep the gym floor, he took the large broom from me and did it. 

18 months ago, this would not have been how things played out.  If he'd helped me, it would have been because I told him to, or begged him to, and he would have reluctantly.

DD hasn't just helped me help him, it's helped him help me.  And I feel so utterly spoiled.  He helps because he wants to be there for me, to lighten my load, and to do things for me just because he loves me.

Duke, THANK YOU, for seeing not just what I ask of you, but really seeing down to what I need.  Thank you for helping, even if I don't think so ask.  You are making me start to see that I do have value, and that I am worthy of you.  I love you so much.

- The Duke's Deductions:

You are very welcome EsMay. EsMay helps me as well a lot. She really helped me when I had a headache last week. It was a very painful migraine and I couldn't think and was throwing up. She took care of me and set me up for the day before she left for work so I had what I needed. I felt very loved. As I feel more responsible in DD,  I think I end up feeling more responsible for life in general, and more responsible in our marriage, which is probably why EsMay is seeing these changes.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Homemade Implements

First of all, I have not gotten around to blogs this week.  I have not had any time to myself, sorry. :(  And I can't promise to get to any of them this week.  Hopefully on Saturday I'll be able to start catching up on the new blog posts, but I'm really sorry I have been MIA this week. :(  And next week, I have a huge church function, so if I'm still behind then, I'm sorry. :(

Here are the tutorials I was asked by some people to do of the implements I have made, and I promised to do up. :)  I'm showing how to make three implements, and how to make the handle for the flogger I showed you guys last week. :)  Without the handles, these will take less than ten minutes to make.  If you use the handle I show here, it will probably take 10-15 minutes.

Flogger
1.  I started with a rope called Clothes Line Rope.  It's soft, but got a good weight to it.
2. For the handle I used a thin rope called Mason Twine.
3. Then I cut the rope into the lengths I wanted.  The rope frays really quickly, so I knotted it as I cut the lengths.  When you're figuring out the lengths you want, figure out first how many knots you want, add about one inch of length to each knot you want to add.  And then figure out the length of the handle.  So if you want the handle to be 5 inches, and 5 knots, and 12 inches of length, then you want at least 22 inches, plus some extra that can be cut off after.
4. I made 15 lengths for this flogger.  I then knotted five of the ends 3 times, five of them 4 times, and five of them 5 times.
5. Here is the finished flogger.  I cut the end of the handle close to where I had done the grip.

Handle
1. Am going to show you on only two ropes so you can see better, but when I did the flogger, this was done around all 15 ropes.  You do not need to secure the ropes, as this will secure it for you.  When making a flogger, I put the knot for the two strings between half the lengths of rope, and then it is hidden. I used two colours to help you see better what is going on. The two top ropes in the pics are just the extra, they have no purpose.
2. I am using pink as the top colour and green as the bottom colour. Bring the top colour, pink, over and around the top of what you are making into a handle, and then, slide the bottom colour, green, over it to hang down.
3. Bring green rope under the handle, and put it through the loop made on the side by the pink. Pull the ends of the rope to tighten the knot around the handle.
4. Take the pink and bring it over the top of the handle again. Bring the green down over it on the side.
5. Loop the green under the handle, and then slip through the side loop of the pink. Pull tight. At this point, make sure there is a knot showing on either side of the handle of the green, under colour. They may try to slip to the back, if they do, bring them to the sides, once they are at the sides on your second set of knots, they will automatically go to the sides without you having to check them.
6. Repeat steps 2-5 until the handle is as long as you want. Make sure each knot is pulled tight.  Note the top colour always stays on top, and the bottom colour always stays on the bottom. They never switch. You can also do this with one colour, but I wanted you to be able to see the steps clearly. Now, tie off, and you are done. :) 
This is what the handle will look like as you keep going.  Te other size it all green with just the pink at the sides, the opposite of what you see here.

 Carpet Beater
 1. I did not have coax cable around to show this, so I used rope, but it will give you the same step by step instructions.  The new steps I highlighted in red each time.  Start with a 4 foot coax cable {or material of choice}
2. Make a loop to the right.
3. Bring your rope around and make another rope to the left and up from it, it will look a bit like a pretzel.
 
4. Bring your rope under the part of the rope that will be your handle.
5. Bring your rope around to make a loop to the left at the same height as your beginning loop.  Bring it over the first rope it encounters, which is the first side of the top loop, and under the next, which is the first rope to the very right loop.
6. Keep the rope going in a straight line, and over the next rope, which is the second side of the top loop, and then under the last rope, which is the other side of the right loop.
7.   Bring your rope end down, and even out the ends for the handles. Next even out the loops, labelled A, B and C. Four holes should form around the center circles, I labelled them 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Loopy
I did not have skipping rope around, so I just show here a general idea of how to make a loopy.  Some people keep the ropes for the handle straight before taping it down.  But it's just generally make 1-3 loops, however many you want, with tubing, coax cable, skippy rope, or what have you.  It is very simple to make. :)

If anything in this post was unclear, and you're making your own, please feel free to ask.  Hopefully  I didn't make it too difficult to understand.

Our next post will be a real post, well real as in dealing with DD life. :)  Maybe to tell you all how much I wish I'd kept the lable from my paddles so that I could RETURN TO SENDER.  ;)  Okay, not really, but boy, putting holes in a paddle really does make it hurt more!  lol



Monday, March 17, 2014

The Three Little Paddles

The Duke's birthday is next week, and I wanted to get him something special.  He mentioned to me a few weeks ago that he really likes the size of the Pocket Paddle we got from Blondie's because it's the perfect size for an over the lap spanking.

So I wanted to get him a few more paddles in that size, but being only 11 inches long, I knew my options were limited.  But I need not have feared.  I wrote Blondie, and told her what I was looking for, and she and Ty were more than willing to help me out! :)  They have a shop called Blondie's if you want to look at their selection on Etsy, or you can talk to them about custom ordering, they are very good to work with, and showed me some pictures half way through the square headed paddle to make sure what I was saying matched with what they were making. :)

The paddle in the middle is the one we already had, and the other two were the ones I custom ordered. 



I had to let the Duke know in the end that I was getting them because they were a bit over the amount I'm allowed to spend without permission.  So I let him open them a week early since he was so excited to get them.  And guess whose bottom paid for that mistake in judgement!!!

I joked when he said we should try them out.  I said I agreed, I needed the practice to give him a proper birthday spanking on the big day... he didn't agree with me!

I am very happy with these new paddles, but my poor bottom is refusing to even speak to me anymore.  Poor thing, it's so not going to be friends with our new wooden friends. ;) 

We do have one larger paddle, but it's a bit awkward for over the knee, so these three will be his main ones, I can already tell.  He's already wanting another spanking, and let me tell you, I'm so glad he's waiting for another day, I don't think my bottom can take more!  No lie.  He broke them in pretty good.

I have yet to finish commenting on all my comments this week, hope to be caught up tomorrow. :)  And hope to have the tutorials on the loopy, carpet beater and flogger done tomorrow night. :)  And for those that did not see, anonymous comments can be left now.  Please keep it kind. :)

Sunday, March 16, 2014

*Reposting* Unblocking Comments

Been hearing from various people that they wished they could comment, but don't have a blogger account.  Today when someone else said it, we decided to take the block off the commenting for now. 

So for the next little bit at least, anyone can comment.  We will try and see if we get a lot of trolls or spam, and if we do, we will be putting the block back on to only allow people with blogger accounts to comment.

Hopefully it will allow those of you that like to lurk a chance to share as well and still be anonymous. :)

*Reposting* Clarification - Fighting A Spanking

I was going to wait to write this tomorrow, but really felt I had to clarify my last post.

I wanted to let everyone know that I firmly believe that there are times a spanking must be put off or stopped, and the wife has every right to say so. 

I can think of so many reasons off the bat.  Having pain already somewhere in your body.  I can't do a spanking when I have a migraine.  If the Duke says we're having a spanking then, I just have to tell him I'm in pain, and the spanking is postponed.  I have suffered from PTSD, still am over coming parts of it, and so that effects us at times.  There are times I'm just too sick, like when I had strep throat.  There were a few times where the Duke thought I should be spanked, and my heart just hurt too much from one thing or another going on in our lives for me to be able to handle one.  And the lists can endlessly go on. 

I am sorry if it seemed like we meant to never postpone or renegotiate a spanking.  What we meant was more along the lines of trying to fight a justified, needed, punishment, or what have you, spanking.  Some reasons to try to get out of these spankings are, fear it will hurt, or not wanting to admit a spanking is deserved after a rule was broken.  Things like this, where you have no valid reason to give for the spanking not happening, but you're still fighting anyway.  Sometimes it seems odd that we are grown women asking for spankings, so we fight, or sometimes we're embarrassed to go over his knee, or what have you. 

I do fully believe in talking as well, but after a good talk, will still usually submit to the spanking because the Duke has made his point of view known.  But there are times where the Duke has changed his mind after we have had a talk, and a spanking didn't happen.  I am sorry if it seemed like I believe we women should all be mindless drones that do whatever we are asked, because my having an opinion and a voice is most important to me in my marriage, and am sure it is just as important in your marriages.

Hopefully this will help clarify.  The last post was honestly just talking about letting go when you can.  Sometimes we fight multiple spankings, and have no real reason why we do it.  It was just to help encourage, or challenge us all, me included, to think about what submitting during those times, even though it is hard, could do to help our marriages become stronger. 

I want to learn to be more submissive, swallow more of my pride, and let go of the need to control the situation more often when it comes to spankings.  To let go more and trust the Duke more.

And like everything else in DD, we may not all agree on this, but it's great to hear all the points of view.  Looking forward to anwering your comments tomorrow from the last post once I get up in the morning.

Hope you all have a wonderful night. :)

Saturday, March 15, 2014

*Reposting* Fighting A Spanking? - Updated

** The update is the last two paragraphs at the bottom. :)

The Duke announced a spanking today. A maintenance one. For about a week and a half we've been sick, though not together, mind you, he had been sick and then I got it. So our twice weekly maintenance got skipped twice. The Duke also stepped back from being an HoH a bit. Not completely, but enough that I was starting to feel a bit adrift last night. I guess it showed, because the Duke said today, me having a cold or not, I was going to be spanked to help settle me.

I won't lie, I DIDN'T WANT ONE. I am so busy today, and didn't even mean to blog, but feel I have to get all these things out.

I admitted to him, respectfully, that I would rather not have one. I had a cake to bake for a party tonight, and I wasn't in the mood. He told me I could put my cake in the oven, but I WAS getting the spanking. So he he got the pan out for me, greased and floured it via my instructions. Then gave me a few minutes to finish up. I went to the bedroom, I didn't want to. But I went.

I climbed over his lap, getting a bit cheeky and saying I was going over without complaint, but I protested to doing so. ;) He said that was okay, as long as I obeyed.

Now, before we talk about fighting a spanking, I want to make sure everyone who reads this understands first. In Domestic Discipline, it only works if it is something BOTH people want. If one is against being spanked, and does not agree to Domestic Discipline, and is still spanked, that is abuse. Plain and Simple. In this post, we talk about two consenting adults, where in their marriage they decide one person needs to step up and be the leader to help end chaos, or make their marriage stronger. Spanking is often used as a tool to help enforce this authority, and both partners agree, willingly, to this.

So, my spanking this morning, and my want at first to fight it, has me thinking. I hope none of this comes across as judgemental, because my want here really is to help. But I've been thinking about some women who say it is their right to fight a spanking if they feel it is unfair, or if they don't want one, or if they're not in the mood, or if their HoH hasn't been consistent lately. I get all of those. I really do.

But there is a question we have to sit down and ask ourselves. - What do we really want in this dynamic? Being a submissive means giving up the right to have things our way every time. There are going to be times we have to do things we don't want to do. There are going to be times we want to fight and complain, but need to give in, and realize that following our husbands is better.

There is something that needs to be considered when you want to fight a spanking. A few things actually.

I won't make this too long, I promise. :)

When we fight a spanking, we first of all tell our husbands that we don't trust their judgement.  We say we don't trust them to do what is right.  We don't trust them to do what he feels/thinks is best.  We don't trust them to know when to stop. In doing so, we undermind their confidence and their leadership. They're human, they will make mistakes. But be honest, which would you rather? Him always questioning to death every spanking first, and therefore be wrong and not spank you when you definitely need it a lot of the times, or have him be confident, still wrong once in a while but this time spank you from time to time when you don't need it? Sadly, that may be your choice. I chose the second. I want my husband to be confident, if that means a few spankings I don't need or deserve, so be it. I'll get over it. :)  That's much better to me than having a husband that is so afraid of making a mistake he never reacts.  I want to build him up, he is so beautiful when he is confident. - and I am so ashamed when I shake that in him.

Another thing is that when we refuse a spanking, we are refusing their authority. We're going against the very foundation we wished to build. Brick by brick, each fight tears down that fortress we have built together. When we fight, we're trying to keep, or take back, the very control we told them we wanted to hand over. Most of us women went to our husbands and asked for this lifestyle, some even had to right out beg. Yet, at the mention of a spanking, the fighting starts? Our actions can't go against our words. If they do, no wonder so many of our men are confused. To them, if we really wanted this lifestyle, we wouldn't put them into a position where they had to force us to accept something they're already struggling to give us, especially at the first.

I don't fight a spanking now, or I really try hard not to, I'll have to ask the Duke if I've done any fighting lately, and if I have, if I've gotten any better at not fighting. But my heart is in a place now to accept. Is it always easy? No, times like today it was the last thing I wanted to be doing. But we needed it. I needed to more submissive again, and he needed to start flexing his dom muscles again after this week of being sick. Spanking brings us closer. I choose to let it be a time I show my respect to him and his authority. I chose a while ago that I was going to stop tearing the Duke down with my fighting, and start building him up.

Maybe next time, if you struggle with fighting, you can give it a try, see what happens if you go over his lap, or over the bed, willingly. :)  The results might just surprise you. :)

Anyway, all this is going through my head today, and I just felt I had to share it. The last advice post I gave turned out to be very loved, so hopefully I did not go too far in this one either.

- The Duke's Deductions:

Hi Guys,
I am really proud of EsMay for being able to admit this, and being able to understand this. I definitely notice that she has gotten a lot better at taking spankings when I can tell she does not want to. She is lot more willing now than she used to be, and not fighting against it as much when I tell her that I feel it is time for a spanking.
The DD dynamic can be a tricky one to navigate sometimes. As EsMay mentioned, this is consensual. This is something both parties agree to and want. This is not something the HoH forces on their partner, I feel that would be abuse if it was not agreed to. Now, because of that it can sometimes be difficult to judge if EsMay is just fighting a spanking because she just doesn't like the pain of a spanking, or if she is doing it because she feels I am being abusive in some way. Also, at times like this when I have been sick or there have been other life events getting in the way and I have missed spanking for a week or two, if EsMay tells me that I have been inconsistent or have not been fair, it can really sting. That it turn can make me lose confidence in myself as an HoH. However, as you can see, if I had been consistent all along, if I had made DD a priority over other concerns, than this would be less of a problem in the first place. However, it does come down to both partners being willing to take their role, even if they may not necessarily feel like it at the time. The Husband needs to realize they have to be firm, be consistent, and not allow the wife to get away with things. The wife on the other hand also needs to be submissive, to be willing to accept punishments, to treat their HoH with respect and not talk back.  Anyway, thank you EsMay for writing on such an interesting topic.

 ** EsMay again - just a p.s. to this post.  I realized in the comments I may not have been quite clear.  I don't mean not to put a stop if the spanking shouldn't happen now.  There are many reasons I spanking just cannot happen at the moment.  Unnatural fear, HoH out of control with anger, or out of control for any reason, children are about, and so on.  The HoH might want to spank, but you're seeing a reason it really needs to wait.  That does happen for us too. 

In this post we are talking about fighting a spanking just because you don't want to happen, for reasons like, it will hurt, or you don't want to be punished even when you know you should be, and things like that.  I'll write a more clarifying post tomorrow as it's well after midnight and I'm tired.  But I do definitely see the need to stop a spanking at times, but this is not what this post was about.  Sorry about the confusion. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

*Reposting* Do They Know?

The Duke knows I love him.  I show it to him, in a hundred different ways.  But I've been thinking a lot lately on the power of words.  A lot of times, I'll tell the Duke why I love him, but I wonder how much gets absorbed in the moment.  So I've been working on emails lately.

What has surprised me in this exercise is how much I'm learning for myself from this.  The more I focus on the good things to say to him, the more I'm seeing how truly blessed I am.  I mean, I know I'm blessed, he spoils me rotten, but it still awed me when really focusing on it and made the love and submission grow.

I don't tend to share the intimates of the Duke and I here, but with his permission, I'm sharing a few of the emails I sent to him while we were each at work last week.  It never crossed my mind when writing them that anyone but the Duke would ever see them, so it does weird me out a bit to share.... but I feel like I should share as well...

"Being over your knee makes me feel like you are in charge. Yes, sometimes I am frightened because pain can be hard to take, but I am not frightened of you. When I go over your lap, I know that from there on in I will get no say as to how things will happen. I know that I'm letting go of my say, and must now accept all that you decide to dish out.

When you use that no nonsense voice of yours and tell me to settle, or that I am nor allowed to clench my cheeks, or to put my feet down, I feel 100% that I am under you control, my heart feels completely owned by an outside force - you. I know in that moment I have to obey, or be punished. I feel I must bow, and give in to your wishes. I cannot really explain it except to say that my heart is owned by you, to be played by you however you see fit, it feels as you wish it to feel.

I love you, and am so glad it's you that has taken control of me. I hope to learn soon to be able to take a longer and harder spanking for you. I hope to learn to release better and allow more tears. I hope to give you confidence and help build you up because I see the gem you are, even if you can't see it yourself.

Love you. xoxox
"

And another email.

"I love you so much. You make me feel so special, so cherished, so loved, so fragile, so vulnerable, so wanted. Thank you for loving me enough to know the things I need, and for asking in the times you don't. I can't believe how much I have come to love you, and being with you.
I love you. Love, your EsMay" - {substituted my blog name in.}
In DD, it can be so easy, at least in the beginning, to find a lot of flaws in our spouses.  It can be easy to focus on our own needs that aren't being met and get frustrated with them.  But I've learned something.  When we stop looking at us, and start looking at them, we become happier.  We start looking to please them instead of being pleased.  But something wonderful also happens.  In doing this, we give them encouragement.  We boost them up.  We show that we love them, success or failure, we're there, to stay.  We show them we have faith in them, and that we believe they can do anything.  We show them they have value, and that they mean the world to us.  And in that, they start wanting to be a better person, they meet you in meeting your needs like you're meeting them in their needs.  It's a beautiful give and take that happens. 
So, if you haven't already this week, or even today, maybe you could let your loved one know how much they mean to you.  And how thankful you are that they are there in your life.  Don't do this with a hidden agenda.  Don't do this expecting something in return.  Do this with no other thought or hope than that it will bless their heart to hear/see your words.  You might find that in blessing them, you are blessed as well, if for no other reason, than knowing you helped make them feel special and loved. :)
- The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you so much EsMay for your kind words to me. I have been really thankful for these emails from EsMay. Usually she has been sending them to me while I am at work. My work is pretty stressful, and it takes a lot out of me emotionally and mentally (not physically though as I sit at a computer all day for my job). It is really encourage to find out in the midst of that stress that I am so loved by EsMay, and it makes me feel better about myself. These emails make me feel more in charge, and more powerful. When I read her words describing being over my knee, I feel more in control, and more confident. I feel that my own words will carry a weight and authority that they didn't before. I realize that I am in authority over another person, another human being. I feel as if I own EsMay, that she belongs to me. I feel strong, and I think it makes me a better HoH.

Monday, March 10, 2014

*Reposting* Our 200th Post! - Updated :)

Thank you for all your questions.  We answered these questions separately, so that we couldn`t influence each others answers. :)  We might have gotten a bit wordy, sorry.  But hope you enjoy.  Do not feel you have to read it all. :) I love how similar some of our answers are, guess we're getting on the same page after all. :)

My answers are in pink, the Duke`s are in blue.

Missy,
Hey this question time comes handy right now. See one of my younger cousins, and his quite young wife are moving to Canada at the end of this month. They're both young, and moving very far from their family, bless them. What is the most valuable advise you would give to them about your country ? And yes I've told them to pack their warmest clothes lol
- Well, Missy, I would actually have to know where it is she is moving. :)  Here, we got a low of -37 and a high of 103 in the past year over the course of winter and summer.  So I guess it all depends on the season.  But yet, dress warm for winter. :)  And cool for summer.  Also, we are like any other place.  There are a lot of phone and internet scams.  People still lie, cheat and steal.  We do lock our doors, and we try to help people while making sure they don't cross over the line of using us.
- You know, I have only been to one other country in my life, the USA. I would suggest just being careful, people say Canada is friendly, but not everyone is friendly. I suggest they enjoy themselves, see some of nature, try Canadian food like poutine and donairs. Just general advice like watch how they spend their money, and save what they can, I guess.

Jan,
Hi Esmay, where is your's and the Dukes favourite place to go on a night out?
- For me, it would be to go out to dinner at Swiss Chalet.  For the Duke, he'd like to go out to the movies.  So when possible, we try to do them both together. :)
- I like going to restaurants. I like Swiss Chalet, which is a chain that serves rotiserrie cooked chicken, and there is a 50’s diner I like to go to. We also like going to the movie theatre sometimes too.
Kenzie,
I loved your lists of submissive exercises - do you have one or two favorites that just automatically get you in the right frame of mind?
- The Duke's ones help more to get me submissive quickly.  Demanding an answer, holding my chin, a few passing smacks on the bottom.  For me, making him supper, making him breakfast if he's cleaning out the driveway.  But I find if I need to find my submissive spot fast, it's usually the Duke's exercises that get me there the fastest.
A question for the Duke - Is there anything you haven't tried, that you'd like to? A certain implement, a certain kink, etc.
- We have lots of implements, so there isn't one I don't think that I haven’t tried yet. I guess the new paddles we ordered that are getting shipped to us. I would like to try those.  DD to me is not a kink, and I don’t think of us as kinky people. I don’t know a lot about kink and am not even sure what all the kinks are, so I don’t think there is any I want to try. Maybe Esmay has one she would like to try with me? I don’t know.
For EsMay - What is the least effective punishment you two have tried?
- Probably writing lines.  I can do it mindlessly.  I have a very hard time sitting and doing only one thing, I even have to knit in church to pay attention. So when I'm writing the same thing over and over again, we found it wasn't working, no matter how hard I tried to focus.  
Autumn,
What is a Spankso? You have mentioned you are one.
- Hey there, Autumn.  If you actually click that paddle on the side, it will take you to a post I did on being a Spankso. :)  Basically, most people either are a Spanko, or Spankno.  Spanko meaning they like/love being spanked, and Spankno meaning they hate being spanked.  I'm in the middle I find, I don't like being spanked usually, it hurts, and it deters future bad behaviour.  But, I also want it in my marriage, so that it helps us keep our balance, it helps me relieve stress and so on, sometimes I want and need a spanking just to destress, or have a good cry.  So I would say things like, I'm spanked so I behave, I'm spanked so I'm submissive, I'm spanked so the Duke is in charge.  And realized spankso was the way to go.  Over all, my saying is this, "I'm spanked so my marriage works."  So I'm not a spankno, and not a spanko, I just fall in the middle. :)
- A Spankso is someone who doesn’t necessarily wants spankings, but knows she needs them so wants them in a roundabout way I guess. 
And what exactly is the difference between DD and TTWD?
- Hmm, that is a good one.  For me, Domestic Discipline is about Rules and Punishment, Role Affirmation and strengthening the marriage.  Now, That Thing We Do is different for everyone.  But in it, a lot of people also incorporate other things along with DD.  Things like D/s, sexy spankings, light BDSM, or what have you.  They don't fall distinctly into one group or another, but pick and choose what works best for their marriage.  Which is how it should be. :)  That is my take on it anyway. :)  We say we are DD, but we also have some D/s things, and so on.
- I don’t really know what TTWD is, I think it must just cover a lot of different submission things including DD.

Tomrose,
Craziest place you and your hubby have gotten down to business?
- Here is where I say we are not very adventurous.  LOL  Always bedrooms, or any room in our apartment.  We are not adventurous in the where's, we're adventurous in the how's. ;)  Though, I would say, one day at my in laws for sure.  The bedroom we were in had no door, and the Duke's brother was in the next room! ;)  We were on a fouton mattress on the floor, never tried to be so quiet in all my life.  lol  His brother DID have the TV on quite loud, mind you. 
- Esmay and I aren’t really crazy I don’t think.  We try to keep our sexual lives pretty private even though we are on here. I guess in my parents house maybe? I don’t know, what do you think Esmay?
Your biggest hurdle in DD when you first began?
- Realizing I had to step back and let the Duke lead in his own ways, and not in the ways I was dictating to him.  I had an idea of what we should do and how is should look.  I had to let go of all of that, and completely step back.  I was emasculating him doing it that way.  I started instead to thank him when he did step up, encourage him in areas he was struggling in, and letting him know that I had faith in him, and that I was proud of him.
- The biggest hurdle I think was my reluctance at first, probably because I was scared it was maybe abusive, or maybe that I would be considered sick for wanting to spank my wife.
River Wilde,
What's your favorite thing to do for fun?
- Hmmm, I am SOOO boring.  lol  I like to go to girl nights out which usually only involve talking and board/party games.  I like reading a good book, and getting on to chat about this lifestyle.  I like to write, play video games, and love a good movie.  Not sure I have a favourite in there anywhere though.  lol  Sorry. :)
- I am not sure my favorite thing to do for fun is. Probably travelling and going on trips. I like seeing new places, trying new foods, I like relaxing in the car while my wife drives (lol I need more practice on the highway I guess), not having to cook or clean, and just being away from the stress associated with being home. We don’t really have a lot of money for travel though, but even going to spend the night with a relative, at a friends cottage, or on a church weekend is a lot of fun for me.
Has there ever been a time where spanking was an ineffective punishment and an alternative was needed?
- Spanking has never been ineffective that I can remember.  Though there have been times where I needed to have corner time on top.  The Duke has become very effective at lecturing, and if it's a punishment spanking, I feel contrite right away.
- I don’t know about this. I guess for language I have tried soap in the mouth before. Esmay really does not like that. Maybe spanking without a good lecture has been ineffective, I find spanking on it’s own doesn’t necessary mean much, you need your words to back up your actions in away.
This one's just for the Duke: Have/will you ever let EsMay "test" an implement on you so you know what the effect is?
- Nope, I don’t let Esmay use implements on me. I think it would mess of the balance in the relationship if we spanked each other.

Jennelle,
When did you feel like you made DD your own, when did it feel natural to you?
- I am not sure the exact time frame, probably this past fall.  But it was when the Duke started really stepping up.  He started making me answer any question he asked.  He started enforcing rules.  He started spanking harder, and doing really good lectures.  He grew more confident, and sure of himself.  He grew  more happy and more relaxed.  I couldn't rest really in my role until I knew he was getting comfortable in his.  He also now views DD as something we will do for life, and that has helped too.  I also feel more loved with his attentions, more cherished when he disciplines me because he loves me too much to let me self destruct.  I just, we are still growing, still have so much to learn, to do... but I love this part we're at now, and not going to rush our growth. :)
- I think doing Clint and Chelsea’s bootcamp really helped a lot, its where I got the feel for a lot of DD things. Also, probably reading their book on consistency, and a few of the other DD things I read probably helped gained an insight into what I was doing, so when I practiced it, that made it better for me. It does feel like it becomes more natural and more my own all the time though, so maybe in a year from now I would have another experience and a different answer.
What would be a great date night for you?
- Dinner at Swiss Chalet, followed by a good, non violent, no sex or swearing if at all possible, movie.  I know I probably seem pretty pathetic... but movies with too much of that stuff really get to me.  Then come home and just snuggle and talk, or, some other fun bonding time. ;)
- Date night, probably going to eat out at a favorite restaurant, like Swiss Chalet, and watching a movie together.

Cat,
If there was to be a movie made about your lives, who would be cast to play each of you?
- Hehehe, well the Duke would be played by John Wayne of course! :) :)  Hmm, for me, I have to admit, Maureen O'Hara is my favourite old style film star, and not because she played opposite of John Wayne so often.  Actually, I first fell in love with her in the Parent Trap, over two decades before I ever saw her in anything else.  Now I've seen her in so many movies, and have just grown to love her more and more.  And who can deny how well she worked with the Duke?  So probably her.  Though if I had to pick present day... not sure, I would want someone who had virtue, someone I could look up to in their every day life... and not sure I can think of anyone right now.  Sadly, Hollywood now does not leave many actors worth looking up to. :(
- I would be played by John Wayne, lol, and EsMay would be Maureen O`Hara.
Singing Heart Mama,
Aside from spanking, corner time, & writing lines have you used any other punishments?
- Not really.  We tried the mouth soaping {barely, only a flake} during boot camp, and bedroom time.  Because they were out of context, and just practicing the punishments, I HATED them.  The Duke was talking in chat this weekend with someone who does essays, and he likes the idea, so that might be a new one.  Though I feel any blog posts I do after a punishment, or doing something wrong is kind of an essay as well, so we'll see.  If he does get me to do them, I'd like to share some of them with you guys after, if he will let me.
- We have tried soap in the mouth before, Esmay really does not like that. Lecturing is an important part of punishments. I dont know, I find spanking to be the best. Depending on what the offence was, taking privileges away would probably be appropriate as well.
Also I know you did a boot camp weekend & I just wondered if you had it to do over would you do it? Would you recommend it to a friend? Why/why not?
- haha, speaking of bootcamp.  Did not realize that would be your next question when answering above. :)  I think I really would do another bootcamp, but different.  We would NOT do the night of punishments.  It might be because I was abused so much as a child, but being punished when I did nothing wrong was repeatedly done when I was a child, and it was way too hard on me to be in that place again as an adult.  In all fairness, we did not realize how I would feel when we went into it, but now we do.  I would never recommend boot camp to anyone.  It has to be an individual thing.  Now, if someone wanted to try it, and thought it would help them, and wanted to talk about it first, we definitely would do that, but I would never suggest doing it, as for a lot of people, I think it would do more harm than good.  The reasons I liked it, was because it was a weekend set aside, first of all, for just the Duke and myself.  Second, it was great learning to focus more intently on being submissive, and meeting the Duke's needs.  We do know we'd do it more relaxed next time if we ever did another one.  I don't think we'd call it bootcamp either, since we would do it so different.  Probably something more along the lines of "A Submission Weekend" or "Role Enhancing Weekend" or what have you. :)  It would be more about learning our roles, focusing on each other, deep talks, and finding what works for us.  I think it would be much less structure based.  But, we may never do that either, right now, we're doing great, and I don't think either of us feel the need to look into that right now. :)  But, if it's something you are interested in, I'm always willing to talk about it if it will help others. :)
- Yeah I would do it over, as I had a lot of fun running it. Yes I would recommend it to a friend because I think it draws you both closer together as a couple.

Katie,
What are your fav foods?
- SWISS CHALET CHICKEN ON A KAISER!!!  Oh, sorry, did I say that too emphatically?  :)  It's what I get every time I'm there, when I went completely grain free for six months, I missed it TERRIBLY.  I also love my homemade pizza, the taters from the shop down the street, and CHOCOLATE... hmmm, chocolate. :)
- Soda pop, potato chips, cheeseburgers, French fries,  pizza, chinese food, tacos, nachos, wings, ribs, steak, bacon and eggs, pasta, fried chicken, sausages. Wow that’s a lot. Turkey dinner is good. I have had German noodles before called Spatzel I think and that was really good. I really like food I guess, lol.

Nina,
Is there a rule you have to work especially hard on at the moment?
- Exercising, with out a doubt, exercising. :(  There are two reasons, I have been sick, and the Duke does not feel right enforcing this until I am well, and second of all, now that I'm out of the habit, I just plain forget a lot of days. :(
Have you ever had a role model as an adult?
- I have, there are a few women who treat me like a daughter, and I just love them.  One I call mom, if you ever see me write "mom" on here in quotations like that, I mean her.  She has taken me in as one of her own when I became friends with one of her daughters.  She calls me her adopted daughter, and jokes I was the easiest one to have, no labour pains at all. ;)  Here?  I feel like this is a hard one to answer, because so many people have helped me.  But I guess the ones that really got down into the dirt of some topics with me were Roz, JGirl, June, Grace and Cali Mom, - Roz and Cali Mom let me write dozens of emails. :) Some of these talks were a while ago, so hopefully if they see this, they each remember why their emails meant so much.  They helped me find who I was, listened to me, and helped guide me, in DD, and in just being a wife, and woman.  But that is not to exclude any ladies out there, you have all helped me, so many posts have helped me search inside myself, learn who I was, who we are.  
- For a role model, I think my old pastor was a big role model for me. He seemed smart, seemed like he cared about other people, seemed like he was doing things with his life, and was a great teacher. Perhaps my old testament professor at university, he was smart too and I looked up to him. I don’t believe in using celebrities as role models, as there so much fakeness there.
What are you loved for most by the Duke? (<-I hope this question is not too nosy)
- Hmmm, oh this is a hard one. :)  I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's my child like ways at times.  I did not get to enjoy my childhood, and this is a bit embarrassing to admit, but at times, now, this child like wonder and awe come out.  I get easily exited over little things.  I need comforting and consoling when I'm afraid.  I love joking around, and just feeling free.  The Duke says it's an innocence, and others have said I have this open vulnerability.  I used to hate this side of me, but June, Roz, JGirl and Cali Mom, really helped me see that this was a gift at different times over the past year, see it as a blessing.  So I don't feel stupid when this side of me shows now.  It makes the Duke smile, so I figure, there is no real reason to worry about it. :)
- I love her caring nature, how much she cares for people genuinely, wants to help people. I love her willingness to try things like this DD stuff, her desire to want to make things better, and her openess to making things work with me. I love her faith, how important that is to her and how deep her relationship with God is. I love how creative she is, like all these paddles and things she makes, she designs her blog from scratch so is good with computer graphics and such, and is great at writing. Also, she cooks too.

Quiet Sara,
Will you please do a step by step tutorial for the loopy johnny you made and the flogger (especially the flogger.)
- Yes, I meant to do that last night, but got too tired.  I hope to get at that tonight, but if I can't, Thursday  night will be the soonest probably I can do it after that.  But I will definitely do a tutorial on all three implements for you. :)
What is the number one thing you still struggle with regarding DD/submission?
- Hmmm, I am not sure.  I think it is when I am hormonal.  When I am hormonal, I get really out of whack, and I find myself telling myself not to do things I still do.  I also have this brief time where I am uncontrollably angry, and no matter what I do myself, I can't control it at all, a few words from the Duke, or a stress relief spanking, and it's over.  I can go on meds for this, but I would be on them every day for the handful of times it happens a year.  The Duke and I just do not think it is worth the constant medication.  I want to learn to be submissive during this time without him having to ask/demand it of me.  But I have to admit, it's also hard to learn, as it really does happen so little.  I miss a lot of cycles, I only had three last year, and probably only four or five since we started DD.  So it does make it harder to get a grasp on.  But next PMS time, I will work at it again. :)
- I think I still struggle with consistency, I think it is a constant battle for me to go against what habits I was raised with it, but so worth it. I am naturally lazy too, so it is a challenge sometimes to want to take the reigns when I feel tired or stressed from work, or sick like I am today.

Dana,
If you could go anywhere in the world and money wasn't an issue, where would you go?
- Italy, without a doubt, Italy! :)
- There is a lot of places I would like to go if I had the money. I would love to go to the UK, I’d love to go to Italy. I’d love to go to South Korea to see my brother, I’d love to go to Japan. I want to go to New York, and I would love to go on a cruise. I’ve wanted to go to Florida since I was a kid and see Disney World and the other theme parks there. But I think the first place I would want to go with Esmay is Ontario, Canada. She has family there, I have family there, and one of her best friends lives there. Plus these is a lot of cool stuff to see in and around Toronto.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

*Reposting* A Homemade Flogger


So, we have family visiting us a few different times over the next couple of months.  Usually that is no biggie, but for the past couple of weeks I've been more hormonal.  I skipped more than one cycle, and this happens when I do that.  I've been crying at the drop of a hat, and got angry twice in the past week.  I need a bit more care than usual, and the Duke even said at the beginning of the week, that for now, he wondered if we should be going back to daily spankings until my hormones even out.  He got sick, so we didn't look at the idea, but I do wonder if he is right.

With this in mind, and the fact that family will be visiting, I decided we needed an implement that is near silent.  I did some looking around, and decided a flogger was the way to go.  I went shopping, and found this clothes line rope, it's soft but heavy.  I knotted each length three times, and made 12 lengths.  I had made a practice flogger, and cut the ends off close to the last knot, and close to the handle... but I liked the way it frayed, so I left it on the final one I did.  It doesn't do anything for how it hits, just kind of looked pretty.  lol


The handle I made all pink, but now I'm wishing kind of that I'd made it like the practice one I'd made, with two colours instead of one. :)  But oh well, at least seeing this will give you an idea of how the handle is made, it's made of a special knots, and one colour always stays on one side, and the other colour on the opposite side.


So, if you ever have a chance to make one... I'm not sure if I'd suggest it or not!  lol  The Duke already tried it out on me, and right away I wanted to unmake it, and stated as much.  The Duke was not near as sympathetic as I wanted him to be, and said emphatically "No, we are keeping it."  I think proceeded to tell him that since I made it, I could unmake it.  Let me tell you, I was warned that I had better behave.  HUMPH!  *sniff*  My poor bottom.  It is however, very quiet, which is what I wanted... so I guess it will serve it's purpose... yikes.

He has reexamined the carpet beater and loopy I made last year... they are rejoining our implements!!!  NO FAIR. :(  I should have been allowed to throw them out when he went down to the two paddles only... :(  (and I have two more in the mail for his birthday present, he had to know about them to okay the extra spending in money)


Here they all are, I am thankful for the flogger over the other two... just wish he'd not pulled out the other two again. :(  I hadn't really thought of them, and the lesson I learned in making my own implements, that is a lesson I have learned, AGAIN.  lol

The Duke is sick today, so he's not really going to put in any input today.  Let's just say my butt received his input on this last night, and today, and he seemed a lot too happy about it!  lol   He tried it softer too, and I have to agree with him, it'll be good for a good girl spanking too. :)  At least I get something good out of it. ;)

Last chance to add questions for our 200th post if you'd like to ask one and haven't yet. :)  I know everyone is already doing questions for March, but we didn't know about that when we decided to do them for our 200th post, so we would still like to do it then.  We'd love your questions, as long as they are respectful, they can be about anything.  Our faith, our marriage, our DD dynamic, our life, our hobbies, or what have you. :)  Thank you everyone for the questions so far. 

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

*Reposting* Questions, Questions, Questions

So, it's questions month.  And I wanted to see if you had any for us?  Originally we were going to do questions for our 200th post, but then realized it was questions month, and decided to do it for that instead.

So ask away.  It can be for me, the Duke, us both.  It can be about spanking, DD, or just general life.  We do ask that you keep the questions nice. :)

Hope to hear from you, or maybe we've bored you all enough for now, that hearing anything else about us will send you into a catatonic, restless slumber. ;)  But if it won't, ask away. :)

Monday, March 03, 2014

Asking For A Spanking

I feel something close to my heart right now, something I want to share... but it's more advice than life... and that is something I usually try to avoid.  Or maybe I give advice on here and don't know it?  If I do, please let me know so I can work on stopping that, I am so not a know it all, there is so much I DON'T know.  So much I still have to learn, so much I have yet to explore or even begin to scratch the surface on.

But I have noticed some women saying they can't ask their husbands for a spanking because it would make them in control, and not their husbands.  If it is okay with you... I would like to share why asking for a spanking in our marriage actually means the Duke is in control.  I just hate to think some of you are out there, hurting, wishing you could ask, but holding out until your husbands notice, all the while, feeling more and more miserable inside, knowing a spanking could set everything to right.

First of all, I have been where you are, sitting in my room, or wherever you are, needing that spanking, feeling the angst building, the breathing quicken, the heart pounding.  Why doesn't he notice!  What isn't he helping me!  Maybe you guys are better at it than I was, here I was, hiding in another area of the house, expecting him to know I needed him, AND NOW.  LOL yes, I have never claimed to be brilliant. ;)

So then I'd go to where he was in the house, but he would be busy working on something.  When he would notice me, he's smile and say hi.  I'd plaster on a smile to smile back.  Yeah, great, EsMay, what a way to convey your need.  I kept waiting for him to notice, but he didn't.

So I had to sit down and really think about this.  I needed a spanking, I knew I needed one, but the Duke wasn't cluing in.  Was he doing this to be mean?  Was he trying to ignore me?  Was he doing all he could to avoid spanking me because it was too much of an inconvenience to him?  No to every single one of those.  He's a guy, and sorry men, but sometimes you don't always notice, what we women would call obvious, signs of distress. :) 

I had to realize I needed to ask what I wanted for, but I felt as many of you do, that that would be me topping from the bottom.  But I learned I was so very wrong.

When I go to the Duke, and admit that I'm in a bad place, I'm obeying my rule to always be honest with him.  When I tell him I'm spiralling out of control, and tell him I need his help, I'm humbling myself, and saying I can't do all this on my own, and need him to step in.  When I admit that it's the spanking that I need, and flat out ask for it, I'm giving myself to him, putting myself in his hands, and saying that I need his guidance, and asking him to step in for me, in a very respectful way.

Not one of those is me topping from the bottom.  It's hard to ask, especially at first.  My heart would land in my throat, making it near impossible to swallow.  What if he said no?  What if he laughed at me?  What if he told me to grow up and deal with my problems myself?  What if he just didn't have the time, or energy?

Well, none of those happened.  I am second only to God in the Duke's eyes.  He wants to help me.  He wants to be there for me.  He wants to be the one that I can count on to set things right in my world.  But, he isn't a mind reader.  And I have to be okay with that.  But I'll tell you something I didn't think would happen in all of this.  The more I admit what I'm feeling to the Duke, the more I ask for help when I need it, the more the Duke is actually starting to read my body language in a way he never could before, because now I'm showing him what each look means by telling him.

I don't know if this would work for you in your marriage, but breaking down that wall, and just admitting when I do need help, whether it's a spanking, or something else, does not put me in charge.  It actually helps me submit to his taking over the situation, because the second I ask for help, I am not longer in control.

{{{hugs}}}  I hope I did not offend anyone out there, and like everything else in DD, this may or may not help you, but just in case it will, I really felt I should share.  You women are so amazing, and I just hate to think of you hurt, needing his care and attention, and feeling you can't ask.  {{{hugs}}} EsMay

- The Duke's Deductions:

You know, EsMay, I am not sure there is a lot to add to this. It's true I can be dense at times, maybe it's because I'm a man, I don't know. I often find myself wondering what you are a thinking, if you are happy or sad or angry, and if any of those feelings are because of something I have done, or not done, or having nothing to do with me at that moment. Of course, the easy thing about the week of spanking we wrote about before is that I didn't have to wonder if it was appropriate to spank you or not, I KNEW it was appropriate to spank you each day. I guess I have a worry at times about whether or not you will get upset at me for wanting to spank you, or think I am doing "HoH" wrong by wanting to spank you at the wrong time. I guess I want to feel as if I am always making the right decisions, but that may lead to just deciding to do nothing a lot of the times if I try to keep that attitude. I guess I need to be willing to make mistakes if it means I am stepping out in a leadership role in our marriage. People have to understand though that it is very hard for me to attempt to do something if I don't feel very confident beforehand that it is the right decision to make. This is true of me in all aspects of life, but in this relationship dynamic, I feel it becomes more important because it affects EsMay. My decisions do not just affect me anymore, but affect my wife as well. It is a sobering thought, but nobody ever said life was easy. But yeah, it would probably really help a lot of these DD marriages if the wife were to ask the husband at times when she really needs a spanking. It would save a lot of heartache, I agree.

Esmay again - wow, and I guess that too shows how hard it is for our men to know if they should always spank us or not, and all the uncertainty there can be in trying to decide what is best.  I knew he used to feel this way, did not know he still did.  Going to go have a heart to heart with the Duke now to let him know he doesn't have to worry so much, and that I love him, mistakes and all, and that I have faith him in being able to do this, because he has grown so much into a man that is happier now... and I want to be there for him.  Night all.  :)

Saturday, March 01, 2014

*Reposting* Once Does Not Mean Always

Glad you all liked the Duke's Deductions at the end of the last post. :)  I didn't want to go with POV because in my head, that is a Ward and June thing, and I wanted to honour that.  So we tossed about some ideas for a while, and finally came up with deduction, hopefully it makes sense. :)

So to start this, it means admitting a vice I have.  *gasp*  Yes, a vice.  My boss sometimes gets me to take her ipad, and if the little guy is trying to play by himself, she'll ask me to spin her slots game.  She's trying to outdo her husband. ;)  Anyway, there is this one game I really liked, and so downloaded it for myself to play at home.  Now the problem with this game, is that if I get a big win, I automatically want to bid a lot more, but then lose everything quickly if it's not a winning streak.  So the other day I told myself on my first good win, "Once does not mean always", I wanted to make myself check for the pattern first before diving in head first.  And bang, I was taken out of the game, and realized how true that is to life.  How I wish I'd had these words when we started DD.  "Once does not mean always."

When we started DD, the Duke was making real progress in some areas, but like any time we take on a new frame of mind, we slip with the old habits at times.  So no matter how long the Duke had gone doing well with this or that, when he failed, I all the sudden felt like this was our life, this was how it was always going to be.  I was always going to have to carry the weight of our marriage, I was always going to have to be in charge.  I'd just say these things, I'd get down, and that fed more negative thoughts, and you guys know how that goes.

But we're all human.  We all need grace, room to grow.  I needed to realize that one day was just one day.  One failure, or step back was only one.  Everything wasn't all undone, and my life wasn't sentenced to nothing but what I already knew.  I learned the hard way that I needed to remember to look at the growth, and not the setbacks.  I learned that I am going to make huge mistakes, and I needed to let the Duke have that room to fail and grow as well.  I had to stop judging.

How I wish I'd had this line "Once does not mean always" back at the beginning.  I think it would have helped me out so much to remember that there was so much growth already, and to just look at the goal, the journey, and not dwell on the setbacks.  I've learned setbacks are GREAT.  They help us learn, they help us grow, they help us learn to work better together.  Truthfully, without setbacks, there is no strength gained.  You need them to appreciate each other better, to learn to see each other's points of view, to see the struggle the other may have, and learn ways to help them we might not see otherwise.  I hate struggles, but also am so thankful for them.  I have an incredible marriage because of them.

I don't know if this line can help anyone else out there, but wanted to share it just in case, I know it's already helping me now that I'm quoting it.  It's one I hope to remember.

- The Duke's Deductions:

Hi Guys.

I agree with EsMay on this. A lot of times in DD, it was hard because we were taking on roles we were not accustomed to, and so if things were stressful and difficult, we would fall back into our old roles and habits by default. This is not unique to DD, I feel like this happens anytime we try to make a change in life. For instance, I have a desire to lose weight and become healthier. However, it is very difficult because it means making changes to a lifestyle. I've found ways to make it easier to walk everyday for about an hour, but am having a harder time taking on more physically strenuous types of workouts or giving up certain types of junk food. Life is hard, work is hard, and stresses make me want to fall in the old habits of life, either eating junk food, or in DD, not wanting to step up in terms of leading EsMay around. Then, if you slip up and forget something or make a mistake, you want to think that you are a failure, or believe that you can't do it, and give up. However, in those moments, I think it is important to look at the progress you have made, and look at the good times. See the things you did do well, the things you surprised yourself on, and how far you have come. If you are able to remind yourself that you are changing, you are improving, you are better than you thought you were, then you can keep moving forward. Everyday is a new chance to make things better, or to fix things. Today you can make a decision to follow through on DD or whatever else in life. It's hard and there can be a lot of setbacks, but yes, one bad night does not mean your life is ruined.

- And a final note, this is post 195, so soon it will be 200 posts for this blog. How that is possible, I don't even know. But we wanted to spend that post answering questions if you have any. We'd love to hear from you guys. If you are a lurker, feel free to write me/us at esmayslife@gmail.com if you'd rather not comment, and I will just put your comment/question up as anonymous, or put whatever sign name you'd like. It can be a DD question, or just a general question. We'd just love to give you all the opportunity to get to know us a bit better.