Friday, May 02, 2014

When Dominance Is Needed

I promised you a post earlier in the week, two posts actually, but life got so crazy busy this week that until last night I honestly did not have two minutes to rub together.  I will try to get them out this coming week. :)  Also, if I owe you an email, I am so sorry, and will try to catch up there too. :)

So, last night, after an insane couple of weeks, the Duke and I really hadn't had time to live our dynamic.  There was just no "us" time.  By Tuesday I could feel that I had slipped away, was gaining my inner dependence back, and was hating every minute of it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm independent in many ways, but when it comes to areas of my personal life, and my marriage, I don't want to be in control.  I want to be able to let go, and let the Duke lead.

The Duke seemed all the sudden as well to be unsure of himself.  I noticed this on Sunday, and spent the time we did have together trying to talk to him, and encourage him.  That might have helped lead to my disconnect the rest of the week, I am not sure.

So, by last night, we were all off kilter.  I retreated to the bedroom feeling exhausted from everything, and needing to just lie down and regroup.  I thought about looking up ways to help the Duke find his dominance again since it seemed to have taken a vacation to a land I'd never heard of before, but then felt that would be topping from the bottom.  So before I could read the pages I'd opened, I closed them all.  I then thought about looking up ways to be more submissive, and was starting to because I wanted to cover that in chat this week, but part way through getting things ready, the Duke came in.  He wanted me off the computer.

We talked for a little bit.  I told him I wasn't sure DD was right for him right now, that maybe I was asking him to be a dominant when he wasn't really, and I didn't want him overwhelmed.  He asked me if maybe he wasn't a dominant quite yet, but maybe he was supposed to be?  I thought on it a bit, and then he asked why I felt the way I did.  I had lots of answers I wanted to give him, lots of things that at first felt true, but as I thought for a minute, realized they were all just shields to what was really going on.  I let the vulnerability come through, and was amazed to see that deep inside, I felt lost, and in need of his strength and comforting, and was afraid with his uncertainty this week of not getting that.  I admitted my struggle, but still needed a minute to admit what the struggle was hiding.

The Duke gave me a minute, and then, got up and left the room to close up a few things.  A minute later he came back, and for the rest of the night, he was very dominant with me, in and out of the bedroom.  He spent the whole evening with me exercising his rights to lead me, and push my limits, and make me feel special, loved and cared for.  He's also been pushing here or there to have, I guess you would call it, my inner child come out.  He says she's softer, sweeter, more in need of protecting, she's more vulnerable, more innocent, and when he can coax that side of me out, I notice healing from my past happens every time.  I feel more loved, more beautiful, more whole.

By the end of the evening I felt very centered.  There was no spanking, just a lot of being pushed in my submission.  When he tucked me in, he hasn't done it in a while so I loved every minute of it, I told him how much better I felt, that I felt loved and protected.  He looked at me with love shining from his eyes and said that he knew, he could see how much more peaceful I already was.  That meant a lot to me.

We will probably always have life get in the way at times, but I'm so glad that he's still there, and is willing to bring me right back to where I need to be.  I honestly needed last night, and crave him even again this morning, his leading, his holding me, his being there.  I love this man of mine.

- The Duke's Deductions:

Hi guys. I just wanted to comment and say that, yes I was being less of a dominant than I had been in the past. I think part of it was that I was starting to think being dominant looked like a certain thing. Probably ideas I got from online somewhere, I don't know, but it seemed like something that was too difficult for me to reach, or didn't really fit with my personality, or would only apply in certain situations. But then last night, I think I realized that really, being dominant in a DD relationship seems to me now to be more about having an idea about what decision in that moment would be best for the relationship or best for the sub, and then just stepping up and saying "This is what we are doing right now," or "this is what I need you to do for me right now." Really, the sub just wants to know that somebody else is in charge or in control of them for their benefit, and that we're there for them, and that's the main thing.

26 comments:

  1. EsMay, sorry that you two had no ‘us’ time. And –obviously- the Duke and you felt just how much you missed this special something that brings you so closely together. Actually this is the beginning of something very romantic, if two partners see that they miss the connection so much and want it back. I love that part. I think that you have written in past entries how much you do not want to top from the bottom. Of course, I agree with you, that it wouldn’t be right, but I believe that you were not doing that. And I also think that asking for being led in a way which leaves the Duke free choice, is not topping. I mean, actually telling him what you need is vital. Just like showing the Duke your vulnerability. And I think that you recognized that you were lost, is awesome, because this is so difficult to do. There are so many layers that distract us from recognizing such things (at least I have that problem) and it is great that you got through that and found what was amiss. Marvelous. EsMay, this sounds like a lot of work inside yourself that you had to accomplish and you did that, which I really love to read.
    And if you want to let your inner child come out, you need to shed all these layers. I guess these layers are there to protect us, but in such a close and intimate relationship, they do not really help much, instead they stop us from being ourselves. They can prevent us from showing our partners who we can be. I love to read that the Duke helped you there so much. And being tucked in, right in such a moment sounds so lovely. I can fully relate how centred you must have felt. I think such moments are special, and I feel virtually enveloped in peace and love in these moments. Lovely :)

    hugs

    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. We are learning so much, and I really do want to keep letting him lead, and me not. :) And yes, feeling centered was wonderful. :)

      Delete
  2. Your Duke's last sentence pretty much sums it up for most of us. Funny, when Master first called me 'baby', i could feel myself melt....before then i always replied, not so nicely...i am a grown woman, not a baby! Getting tucked in is the best way to end a day!
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We tend to fight, at least a first, them liking and encouraging that vulnerable side, don't we? Glad I'm not alone. ;)

      Delete
  3. Sir Knight has trouble with Dominance at times also because of his childhood. His father was more Dominating than Dominant and he worries that it is genetic. He feels he could never subject me to this type of behavior and has to move slowly. I reassure him constantly that he is a good and kind person and not able to become a self-serving dominating man. Constant reassurance and discussions about what dominance is and is not are helping. He really wants to do this for me and he is beginning to embrace the DD lifestyle. His self confidence just needs a little support and that is my job as submissive. Just as he always has my back (and often my backside), I must have his. I must be sure not to ask more of him than he can give at any time but assure him that he is the strong, loving man I know him to be. Together, we can become the couple we strive to be. Together we make DD a reality.

    I applaud the two of you as you work together so beautifully to support, love and believe in each other. You are an inspiration to all of us who struggle with reaching the balance in DD you seem to hold so dearly. We love you both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brittany, that must be hard, when his past is there, reminding him of something that he doesn't want to be. I know how he feels. Not in this regard, but in another where I have had to fight being like my mother in something, and it was hard. I love how you said he has your back and you must have his. Beautiful. :)

      Delete
  4. EsMay ~
    Lovely post! I'm so glad for you - that you and the Duke are working out what's best for you, your own way.

    I loved what you said: "I thought for a minute, realized they were all just shields to what was really going on. I let the vulnerability come through, and was amazed to see that deep inside, I felt lost, and in need of his strength and comforting, and was afraid with his uncertainty this week of not getting that. I admitted my struggle, but still needed a minute to admit what the struggle was hiding."

    That is often so hard to do - especially in the moment. It's so awesome that you were able to do this! And I loved how the Duke loves the sweet inner child in you, and that it also brings healing.

    What he said was absolutely spot on - that what you need most is to know that he's making the decisions for you for your benefit and that he's there for you. That is what makes you truly happy.

    love & hugs,
    Cali

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was a real eye opener moment for me. My answers may come a bit slower now, but only because I want to make sure my words are truth, and not just what I'm seeing from a shield in the way. And yep, he was spot on, he's learning so much. {{{hugs}}}

      Delete
  5. I think you're both so awesome! Admitting what your struggling with can be so hard, but you did it! It's so hard when life gets stressful and busy, I guess those are the time we need that comfort and dominance the most. It sounds like you have a great evening together, and both of you were able to reconnect and most importantly both of your needs were met. So happy for you!!

    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jennelle. :) You are right, when we are busy, and stressed, I do find that is when we need their dominance more. The Duke is really seeing this too, and has really been stepping up. I'm so thankful.

      Delete
  6. Always a great post . It's hard when "life" gets in the way of what we really want and need in life ... Duke seems to have a way to bring it all back together . It's good you both can communicate so well :)
    Hugs ~ s

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He really does, doesn't he? :) I'm so very blessed. And communication is growing, but it took a while. :)

      Delete
  7. I seriously LOVEE this post! It explains a real life DD relationship so well. You read books that are out there of these perfect DD situations, and when you start up a DD relationship, you realize those fairy tales aren't always true. This was such great writing about how real life and DD go together. I'm so glad you were both able to figure out how to get back into that spot and be there for each other.

    I also love how The Duke explains how he sees being Dominant.

    Great post, both of you. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kenzie, I think you are so right. We really need to see that there is struggle, and that others come out of it okay, and even stronger because of it. We struggle at times, not so much as we used to, but I think it'll always be there. I think struggle in DD always needs to be there at times, so we keep talking, and working at it together, so we keep growing and learning. :)

      Delete
  8. I love when our Doms can be dominant without spanking. Sometimes, I don't even want/need a spanking, but I still want to feel lead to being submissive. It's so wonderful that The Duke spent an entire evening working on your submission. And he even tucked you in! The tender love and care that results from D/s is so amazing :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Autumn, I love it too. :) It really helps me feel more submissive when there are more ways than spanking for him to help me feel his authority. :) Yeah, being tucked in... I don't know what it is, but it makes me feel so super special. :)

      Delete
  9. EsMay, this was wonderful. I know sometimes I feel this way... When life gets so busy, and I suddenly feel.. anxious, or that he doesn't want this, or that, or I just get so spun up... then The Man will do or say something, and realize that I need him more than ever, and it soothes...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is kind of soothing to realize we can let go, and admit we need our men. :) I think, they in turn, grow in pride and believe in themselves when we show them this need. :) It is hard though, when we get busy or anxious to always remember that though, isn't it?

      Delete
  10. This is a really great post. EsMay, you were absolutely right to stop yourself from researching ways for the Duke to feel more dominant. It was so much better that you focused instead on you, and truly expressed to him your feelings. That way he was able to assess the situation and take steps to correct it himself. I'm sorry life is so hectic for you right now. I don't know if it's possible, but one thing I have heard that works for busy couples is to schedule "submission appointments" with each other at the beginning of the week. This can be anything from 5 minutes of cuddles and reconnection, to submission exercises or a spanking, anything that helps keep you connected. Way to go to the Duke, for stepping up and taking care of you! It's nice to hear the interaction between the two of you, because you can tell how sincere you are with one another.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I think he's expecting those submission appointments to happen daily! LOL Ever since then, he's stepped up the being dominant quite a bit, and he's making sure daily to get me to submit. It's quite a shocking thing, but I'm loving it. :) Makes me know I'm not forgotten or alone. :) And yes, I am so very glad now that I didn't look up ways for him to be dominant, talk about a bad way to help encourage him, it would have been a disaster.

      Delete
  11. Hey EsMay...I agree with everyone else...this was a beautiful post...and Duke, you summed up TTWD perfectly...it's different for every couple but bottom line...the HoH decides whatever is best for the relationship and/or TiH, and then steps up! The main thing is for you to have as much confidence in yourself as EsMay has in you. Hang in there you two. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Cat. :) He is doing so much better with his confidence, and thankfully, it is growing. I never thought he'd have this much, it is such a beautiful thing to watch. :) {{{hugs}}}

      Delete
  12. That's what the inner child, my little, is for me, too. It is that measure of vulnerability that I offer to him that no one else gets to see. It is my gift to him, that soft, sweet, wonder-filled person that makes him smile a smile that lights the room, the person that makes him laugh. His gift to me is the safety, the freedom to let her come forth into the light, the rich sound of his laughter, the twinkle in his eyes, his dimple (sigh), his smile, all these things which tell me that in me he finds delight. The only thing that matters, is not what you read, or what other's impressions of what you do - it is that magic place of joy you create together, that soft, safe harbor. I'm glad you both found your way back home.

    <3
    cd

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So beautifully put. :) I love how you said his gift to you is safety. Such a precious gift they give us, isn't it? The gift to let us be who we need to be, to become what we need, and not only is it safe, but it's wanted by them as well. :) Thank you for sharing.

      Delete
  13. Sorry I am late to this EsMay. I love this post. You two are an inspiration the way you communicate and work through things togethet. It sounds as though you did a lot of soul searching to discover what was going on. I'm so glad the Duke gave you what you needed. Tucking you in .. that is awesome, and sweet:) I too melt when Rick calls me baby :)

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Roz, what a beautiful thing to say. Yes, I love when he tucks me in, does not happen often, but I treasure each time. :) Aww, I love how good Rick is to you. :) {{{hugs}}}

      Delete

Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

Troll comments and spam will be deleted.