Wednesday, April 16, 2014

An Unwillingness To Submit

For those of you that have been worried, I wanted to let you know I am on the mend... I forgot two nights to take my last dose of meds for the day... :(  I think the reason I'm finding it so hard to remember this time, is because even though I'm still so very tired, I don't have a sore throat, and so I keep forgetting to take the meds because of this.  Thankfully just a couple more days, and I'll be done, and I do feel a lot better aside from being tired. :)

This weekend, Saturday mostly, I found my submission reaching new levels, and I have to admit, I've never really struggled more to submit.  And the horrible thing, it was over LITTLE things.

I'm short, I'm 5'3", I'm fat, I probably weigh twice of what I should {thanks to a disease the doctors and I can't seem to get under control}, but despite all that, I stay very active, and work out.  Most of my friends are 5'8" or taller, the Duke is 6'0", yet, I walk a lot, and I walk fast, faster than all of them.  I try to slow down, but I don't do it well.

Over the weekend, the Duke's parents visited us, and we went shopping at a mall with them.  The Duke and I have not been in a mall since we really got doing well with DD, and so I did not realize the ways just going to a mall would challenge me.  When we go to a store or restaurant now, the Duke pulls me right against him, and holds my hand tight until we are inside.  He has never been protective of me before, but now, he worries about a car hitting me.  Once we are inside though, I'm given free reign.  Knowing I walk so much faster than him, the Duke and I will usually walk around each other while we do our shopping.  Well, apparently the mall does not count the same as walking around a store.  It counts as a parking lot.  So the Duke kept me tight to him, and a few times, I got so annoyed with walking slow that I found myself leading him around, pulling at him to try to get him to go faster.  Yet the faster I tried to walk, the more the Duke pulled me to him, tightened his grip, and even slowed down.  It went against everything in me, I'm not kidding, I had to fight to just breathe. I felt trapped, I felt restrained.

And then I had to stop.  I didn't want to, I wanted to go, I wanted to get to where I was going.  I H.A.T.E. walking slow.  It's actually very hard for me to do for some reason.  So I decided I had to submit, I had to go at the Duke's pace, I had to let HIM lead.  Did I succeed like I normally do?  NOT AT ALL.  Three times I found myself pulling at him again, just wanting to go.  Three times I had to tell myself to submit, and three times I did it with a very unwilling heart. :(  I wanted to honour the Duke, but boy, did I ever just not want to do what he wanted in that moment.  And over what?  Walking at the speed I wanted to?

And what happened next?  This round of strep has really bothered my sugars.  With this disease, it's not uncommon for it to make my sugars too low, but this past week they've crashed a lot more.  When we were out shopping, they dropped, I knew I only had a few minutes before I was in serious trouble, but before I could even tell the Duke, he could see me swaying, trying to keep my balance without letting his parents know what was going on.  But he told them that we were leaving because he was taking me to get food.  He took me to the food court, asked me what I wanted, and made sure I sat down to conserve energy, and then he took care of me.

And yet I fought on walking beside him?  This man that would do anything for me, and all he wanted was for me to walk beside him and let him lead, and I just couldn't give in with a heart of thankfulness and a willingness to submit.  I usually thrive in being submissive, and so I've been spending a lot of time this week trying to figure out why I struggled so much.  I don't have any answers yet, and then being submissive the rest of the week has been just like normal.  So maybe I don't have to worry too much about one off day, but I do want to keep it in mind for now, to have it to chew on here or there so that I can make sure not to repeat this behaviour again in the future.

Duke, I'm sorry I struggled so much to do what is right, but I am so thankful, that me being well behaved or not, you are there, taking care of me, regardless of how well I respect you or not.  Love you.

I asked the Duke if he wanted to write to this post, like I do every post, but he said this time he was going to skip this post, that this post was about me.  I hope you don't mind.

26 comments:

  1. I love your blogs your very honest and real... Never complain about weight I do the same and it makes my husband very angry because he sees me beautiful ... I have diabetes and have a hard time keeping weight off and I'm short and I've go stretch marks from having kids , but when D put me in front of the mirror he said look at where you've been in life very scar every lb represent something in life we've been through a memory good or bad ... And it does make sense then... Your active you walk I work in the medical field and I've seen skinny unhealthy people as long as your active and you walk a lot that's all you can do , your man defiently loves you ! Keep the real blogs coming :) ~ s

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    1. Thank you, for your compliments. :) It always touches me when someone likes what is written here. The Duke really does find me attractive, and I am trying more and more to believe this is true. It's funny, I seem to be getting worse and worse at it... but will work on it.

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    2. I understand where you are coming from :) .. Never easy ... I hope you are felling better .. ~ s

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    3. Thank you, s. :) I do feel quite a bit better, and hope to continue so. :)

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  2. Hey EsMay...Happy to hear you are getting better. Ya know, I can meander and window shop slowly but have a tendency to walk fast when I have a destination in mind. And yes, I am not super tall either. ;)

    Were you headed to a specific destination in the mall or just shopping about? It could just be that you have felt confined by your illness (not enough energy to do what you want) and were fighting more against that than your submission. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't really worry about one little slip...you are a wonderful wife/TiH and the Duke is a wonderful husband/HoH. Just take care of yourself and get better.

    Sending prayers and healing energy.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat. I am not sure myself what it was, but you are right, I need to not worry so much over one instance. I've decided to only worry if it looks like it wants to become a habit. And thank you so much for your kind words. They really touched my heart. {{{hugs}}}

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  3. EsMay, I am glad that you are getting better again. Whenever I had antibiotics they made me so tired that I could sleep all day, too and hubby had to remind me to take medicine now and then, otherwise I would have forgotten completely.
    I am sorry about what happened at the mall. The only thing I know is that it can be so much of a challenge if you feel hurried and you have to slow down. I think the Duke did a fantastic job with you when your sugar levels crashed. Maybe it was a little too early to go to the mall and the physical strain was a little too much as a result?
    You noticed that you could not submit the way you wanted to, but I think that you are actually doing a very good (like in supercalifragilisticexpialidocious) job in submitting, because you have this awareness that something did not work the way it should. If it went wrong this time, I guess this can happen, even more so, if you are still weakened from streps and meds. I have had meds once that made me all itchy and I felt like I have had an overdose of caffeine… and I did not even notice. Hubby told me. Maybe this is also one of the reasons that you had problems this day. Besides, I think next time you go to the mall, when your health is back to normal, I am sure that it will be easier for you to walk slowly, because you know about the trouble you have with it.
    EsMay, I fully understand that you complained because of weight issues, but I am completely with BigD here. You work out and do something good for your health, therefore try not to be too hard on yourself about it. Ask the Duke and I am convinced that he will tell you that you are beautiful the way you are.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. OH Nina, they did make me ever so tired. And yes, I had had a few sugar crashes in the 24 hours before, but it was so rare for me. But he did take such wonderful care of me. Thankfully I was able to get my sugars under better control, and they were much less of a problem for the rest of the week. And I asked... you are right, he said I was beautiful... *blush*

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  4. Hi EsMay, I hope you will soon be completely well again, glad you realized that the Duke was caring for you before you got yourself into too much trouble
    Love Jan,xx

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    1. Thank you, and I hope I'm basically back to normal. :) And yes, I like avoiding trouble at all costs. ;)

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  5. Big Hugs EsMay!! I hope you continue to feel better, and don't be too hard on yourself :) I think issues like this happen from time to time, and you did a great job at recognizing what you were doing, and then apologizing for it. You are a wonderful wife, and your H is taking great care of you :) Hugs

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    1. Jennelle, you are making me blush over here. Thank you for your kind words.

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  6. I hope you do continue to feel better. So glad you have Duke to keep you 'in line'. Loving post. Happy Easter to you both.

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    1. Me too, Leigh, I'm so glad I have him too. :)

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  7. I am so glad you are feeling better than you were when I last read your blog, Es May. I had to chuckle though because if we ever met up, Dan could charge ahead with you and I could meander behind with the Duke. You see, I often tell Dan I feel like an Arab wife, walking ten steps behind her husband! He always walks so quick and although I have long legs I like to wander along and window shop.

    I also know how you feel when you start to sway as I also have diabetes. I usually carry some biscuits around with me to nibble on, but I much prefer to stop for a latte and a bun every now and again. LOL I also have trouble with my weight. Sigh. I always seem to be on one type of diet or another. It's such a pain.

    I want to wish you both a very Happy Easter, and I hope you continue to get better.

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. Though if you let me have Dan to walk with, and you have the Duke, people might think we're with the wrong men! ;) I am in the hypoglycemia/PCOS camp... so it's the low sugars that do me in, but the funny thing is, I eat a lot like a diabetic because of it. I did used to carry stuff with me, but it's been so well in hand that I stopped... but I might start carrying emergency items again because of this. I hope you have a wonderful Easter too. :)

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  8. I can't STAND walking slow either. I can totally relate to your impatience in that situation. If I'm going somewhere with an end goal in mind, I don't want to be walking like I'm taking a stroll down the block. Good for you for really trying to let the Duke lead (literally!).

    And I wouldn't call this an off-day at all. You were conscious of your unwillingness and your desire to lead, and you were making honest efforts to submit despite not wanting to. Submission is not always what we want to do, and it's what we do or try to do in those situations that matters.

    Hope you're feeling much better in time for Easter weekend!

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    1. Thank you, Autumn, I guess that is true. I'm not always going to feel submissive, but it does matter what I still choose to do regardless if I feel it or not. That is a good thing to think on, thank you. And hope you had a wonderful Easter. :)

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  9. Es May, I'm glad you are starting to get better and hope you are fully well again soon. Oh gosh, I can so relate to this, I'm a fast walker too and it drives me crazy to have to slow down. We have had similar moments. Don't be hard on yourself, you recognised your actions and your unwillingness and let go and let him lead. I say kudos to you :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, if you have similar moments yourself, that helps me to feel so much better about all this! :) And in the end, I was able to let him lead... just wish it hadn't took so long, or such a struggle to get there...

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  10. Es May, It is Easter today and I wanted to wish you a lovely one. Hope you are all better.

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    1. Thank you, Blondie. I hope you had a wonderful Easter as well. :) And I do feel much better, thank you. :)

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  11. EsMay.. just getting caught up on my reading. I hope by this time you are feeling much better. Be sure to finish your meds. Strep is not something to play around with. I struggle too, at the mall. I love to wander in and out looking at things that catch my attention. While hubby is usually there just to fulfill his mission and get out. It is hard to stay with him, by his side as he now often requests. I am certain that following his lead will keep me safe, and so I do my best. You and Duke show us what this lifestyle is about. You set a good example of how we are to be. Thank you for your honest reflections.

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    1. Thank you, Annabelle... your words truly humble me. I try to share what we go through, good and bad, in case it can help someone else out there. And I actually just finished the meds yesterday. :) Was a day behind because I missed two doses, :( but I did finish. :)

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  12. I know...I hate walking slow, too! I'm 5 feet and my hubby is 6 feet. When we first got together I had to double-time it just to keep up with him. Now I'm used to that speed and he's slowed down. It annoys me to no end! But I try very hard to slow it down and spend the time walking with him....not dragging him to the next place. I get it, though! Your Duke is such a wonderful guy and I agree with Annabelle - you two are a great example.

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  13. I'm so sad to hear that you've been sick. :( Sorry that I've not been around for a bit. I'm trying to regain my footing here. I think you're wonderful in the way you write with such honesty. And your desire to submit even when you're struggling with it is so admirable and inspirational to me. I often struggle with my very desire, not just in the moment, but overall. I hope you are able to find your path to healing. *hugs*

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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