To The New DDers. :)

I wanted to do a post for people starting out in DD. :)  Been getting a lot of emails, thank you to everyone, by the way. :)  And a lot of these emails are from women who are worried because the "rules" of DD aren't working for them.  So I wanted to share.

It's a little advice that I wish I'd understood in my first days.

"Make It Your Own."

You've probably heard this, but the concept is so much bigger than I first thought.  And after having various beginners write me to because they felt they were doing wrong because such and such a site (usually teaching sites) said they could only do things this one way, I wanted to share with you some examples of how it is okay to not be in "the box" of DD, examples of emails I have gotten, or pm's.  In these examples i'm going to use wife for the sub/tih, and husband for the Dom/HoH just to avoid confusion.  Any gender may be in these roles, and any relationship type.  Ours just happens to be marriage. :)

Bruises.
Probably the question I get most of all after sexual contentment.  So many women have been told from sites that bruises are bad.  Well, they may not be desireable, but that does not mean you or your husband did anything wrong.  I'm going to tell you a secret.  For a lot of women, bruises happen.  That's all there is to it.  I don't actually bruise anywhere else on my body except for a few extreme accidents.  BUT, get the loopy or carpet beater out, and I'm going to have bruises.  If you know about warm ups, they can help, but are not a guarantee.  After you do have bruises, I have heard that arnicia cream or white vinegar rubbed over the bruises can help them disappear faster.  But my biggest advice, don't worry when bruises happen.  In fact, some women love to carry around their bruises, it's like a badge of honour.  For men, if your wives tell you they don't feel abused or beaten, take them at their word. :)  You may even come to love the marks on her.  Women, if you don't feel abused or beaten, then the bruises will fade, and life will go on. :)  If it does feel like abuse then sit down and talk about it, and how it should maybe go different next time so that the feeling of abuse is not likely to happen.  The Duke and I had a few of those times where I felt like it crossed over into abuse, probably due to my abuseful past, but we worked through it, and now it's been a while since I had a night like that. :)

Rules.
I have gotten letters about this, but I fell for this trap myself.  I read a blog post on a blog that said to start DD with a list of rules, and start by using the 4 D's.  Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty and Dangerous.  So we made up our LONG list of rules.  Well some we made up just because they were suggested, things I didn't even struggle with.  But then it became a rule, and all the sudden the pressure was there to make sure I didn't do it, something I'd never done before anyway.  I started second guessing myself all the time, every thing I did, it was in the back of my mind, am I don't the right thing?  It became oppressive and stressful.  It also was too many for the Duke to remember to keep track of, so if I messed up and he didn't notice, I felt I didn't matter.  I was working so hard to be good, and it didn't matter.  So over time, we have simplified the rules, and they are more of what we need, and not just to have rules.  A lot of rules may not work for you, and that is totally okay.  Maybe you only need one or two rules.  That's fine.  Maybe you need more rules, more accountability, and that is okay too.  What works for you, works for you. 

Butt Plugs.
Yeah, TABOO topic in the Domestic Discipline sphere, but I wanted to cover it briefly.  I have seen on sites people being publicly admonished for mentioning it as a way to help submission.  They were told it was only there to humiliate and degrade the sub, and not in a good way.  Well, I want to say that may be so in some marriages, but it might not be so in yours.  It isn't in ours.  It has been a tool used to help in submission.  If the sub does not feel she is being lessened as a person, and that is not the Hoh's intent, if the Hoh is trying to help the sub find submission, and the sub finds she flourishes, then use what works for you, even if others don't agree.

Punishements and Sexuality.
Some teaching blogs will tell you that it is flat out wrong to mix punishments with intimacy.  But, look at it this way, you have been told to be half naked or fully naked over your Hoh's lap.  You have then had their bare hand on your bare skin.  Not only that, but you're extra vulnerable after a spanking, in need of attention, love, cherishing.  These can natually lead to intimacy after a spanking.  It might be different for each couple, but most I talk to admit that the lesson is no less learned if it is followed by intimacy.  It isn't a reward, it's more of a bonding, and need to be in the arms of the one we love.  If this works for you, then go with it. :)

DD Is Only DD.
Well, I think you would be very hard pressed to find a relationship where this is true.  A lot of marriages, once they start DD, find they also might incorporate some D/s, BDSM, Daddy/Little Girl play, some this or that.  None are right, none are wrong.  It's if it's right for YOU. :)  That is what truly matters, what works for you both.

So what I'm trying to say here is, find what works for you.  DD is different for every couple.  If something you have read or seen or heard does not resound with you, then don't feel you have to try it.  If someone says something you are doing is wrong, but you both feel it is working for your relationship, and neither of you view it as abusive or harming, then that is what matters.  If I stuck with the sites that say bruises are bad, I need to have a ton of rules, butt plugs are humiliating and degrading, and intimacy with punishments is a no no, and DD can only be DD, then DD would not work for my marriage.  Now, there are things they have said that do work for us as well.  This is not to bash other sites.  So, pick and choose what works for you. :)  I have a saying I have taken on - "Getting D/s advice should be like going to a buffet.  Take what's right for you, leave the rest behind." 

So go ahead, have fun, make it your own. :)  You also will probably find in blogs there are a lot of people that advocate picking what works right for you as well. :)  And if you ever wonder, or need someone to talk to, I, and several other bloggers, would be glad to help in any way we can.  If you see an email for them on their blog, chances are, they'll be open to your emails and your questions. :)

- The Duke's Deductions:
I agree with EsMay. The point of DD or anything else in marriage is to make you and your spouse have a happier better marriage, it is not to make some person online happy. So use what you find works and drop the things that you find don't work. Different people can't expect the same things to work the same way in different marriages.
Yes, with bruising, I admit I was worried at first. I did not want to hurt EsMay and did not want this to be abuse, so I was afraid to spank too hard. But you need to learn the best way to do spankings, and sometimes bruising may happen. And yes, I do have a hard time at times keeping track of rules if there are too many. I think a lot of HOH's may have this issue, so it is important to focus on working on the specific things that you want to work on or need to be worked on in your marriage and not try to do everything at once. And for the other stuff, yes butt plugs seem to help in making the sub more submissive. And yes, having your naked wife over your lap while you spank her can be a turn on, and I think that is OK. DD is bringing us closer together. And yeah, in general different couples will find different things that work well for them or that they like, or things that do not work for them or that they hate the thought of. That is OK. You do not have to do this the same way somebody else is doing it, and likewise if somebody else is doing this differently than you that is OK too.