I was going to wait to write this tomorrow, but really felt I had to clarify my last post.
I wanted to let everyone know that I firmly believe that there are times a spanking must be put off or stopped, and the wife has every right to say so.
I can think of so many reasons off the bat. Having pain already somewhere in your body. I can't do a spanking when I have a migraine. If the Duke says we're having a spanking then, I just have to tell him I'm in pain, and the spanking is postponed. I have suffered from PTSD, still am over coming parts of it, and so that effects us at times. There are times I'm just too sick, like when I had strep throat. There were a few times where the Duke thought I should be spanked, and my heart just hurt too much from one thing or another going on in our lives for me to be able to handle one. And the lists can endlessly go on.
I am sorry if it seemed like we meant to never postpone or renegotiate a spanking. What we meant was more along the lines of trying to fight a justified, needed, punishment, or what have you, spanking. Some reasons to try to get out of these spankings are, fear it will hurt, or not wanting to admit a spanking is deserved after a rule was broken. Things like this, where you have no valid reason to give for the spanking not happening, but you're still fighting anyway. Sometimes it seems odd that we are grown women asking for spankings, so we fight, or sometimes we're embarrassed to go over his knee, or what have you.
I do fully believe in talking as well, but after a good talk, will still usually submit to the spanking because the Duke has made his point of view known. But there are times where the Duke has changed his mind after we have had a talk, and a spanking didn't happen. I am sorry if it seemed like I believe we women should all be mindless drones that do whatever we are asked, because my having an opinion and a voice is most important to me in my marriage, and am sure it is just as important in your marriages.
Hopefully this will help clarify. The last post was honestly just talking about letting go when you can. Sometimes we fight multiple spankings, and have no real reason why we do it. It was just to help encourage, or challenge us all, me included, to think about what submitting during those times, even though it is hard, could do to help our marriages become stronger.
I want to learn to be more submissive, swallow more of my pride, and let go of the need to control the situation more often when it comes to spankings. To let go more and trust the Duke more.
And like everything else in DD, we may not all agree on this, but it's great to hear all the points of view. Looking forward to anwering your comments tomorrow from the last post once I get up in the morning.
Hope you all have a wonderful night. :)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
32 comments:
Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)
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Hey EsMay....I didn't take the last post to mean that we women were mindless drones. Of course, we can all read the same sentence and interpret it differently. LOL But basically, I took your last post to mean...you agreed to let your husband lead so unless there is a valid reason to postpone a spanking, you don't fight them just because you don't want one. At least that was my take. ;)
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
Thank you, Cat. That is exactly what I meant. "you agreed to let your husband lead so unless there is a valid reason to postpone a spanking, you don't fight them just because you don't want one." That is the perfect way to put it. :) Thank you. :) {{{hugs}}}
DeleteI understood perfectly what you were trying to share, and more importantly this exact posting could not have come at a better time for me. Still enjoyed this second posting as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Catherine, I am so glad if it was able to help at all. :)
DeleteIt's great that you posted this, because as a submissive partner, I believe we have a responsibility to our hohs to let them know if we feel their actions might cause us damage (nope, sore buns don't count!) in any way. If you look at it from an hoh's perspective, wouldn't you be upset if your partner knew that what you were doing would have a negative impact on them or on the relationship, and they didn't speak up? I sometimes forget that people who are new to ttwd read our blogs, so it's great to clarify rather than inadvertently cause someone to feel that being voiceless in a relationship is healthy. We have to trust our men, but they can't always read our minds. And what is DD for if not communication? :-)
ReplyDeletelol, had a good chuckle when you said the hurt bottoms don't count as damage. ;) And that is so true. Our HoH's really want to do right by us, and what is best for us. This can only happen when we are open and honest with them. And yes, I am glad I clarified, because it is not healthy to not be open and honest. One of the major points of DD is to create that level of trust and have unrestrained communication. :)
DeleteHi Es May, I too understood what you wanted to convey in your previous post and echo Cat's words above ... "unless there is a valid reason to postpone a spanking, you don't fight them just because you don't want one".
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Roz
I love that she said that, that is exactly how I meant the last post to sound. :) Though it's great to see how protective of each other everyone is here, to stand up and give a voice when they were afraid something said might hurts others. That is actually quite great as well. :) {{{hugs}}} And it's good for me too, because I really want to help others, and seeing how something I said could be taken a different way is a great way for me to make sure I clarify what I say so that the info I give does help and not harm. :)
DeleteHi EsMay, I also understood what you wanted to say in your last post and agree with what you wrote there. When I read your entries where you describe a due spanking it is always very obvious for me how much you two are in tune. I don’t have the feeling that you don’t communicate or that you are ‘a mindless drone’ (urgh, never!). Instead I love to see how well the Duke knows you and acts accordingly and also how much you trust and love him. If anything I always found that what you do is safe, sane and consensual.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, I think that you wrote the clarification was a good idea, too, just to make sure. Thank you for that.
hugs
Nina
Wow, I can't remember the last time anything I ever did was considered sane. :) You just made my day. :) And I'm glad that the clarification helped to really illustrate what we meant. Yes, a mindless drone I definitely am not... though if I veered a little that way, it might make the Duke's job a bit easier. ;) Though, he'd probably get bored with that, so then it would all be for not. LOL {{{hugs}}}
DeleteEsMay
ReplyDeleteI think both posts are really good and point out some very important things. I
don't think anyone thought you meant we were drones. :)
love
sara
Thank you, Sara. And I hope no one thought that. :)
DeleteEsMay, my comment on your last post was written as such not because I think you are a 'mindless drone'. Obviously we have gotten to know each other over the last year via blogs, emails and chats. Why I wrote what I did ( and perhaps others did too) was for women who are new or not yet comfortable in their position and their dynamic. I am fairly certain, knowing you that was also your intent.
ReplyDeleteNot that I can speak for the other women/men who read here, but I would hazard a guess if you had continued on in your post staying within the framework of your own relationship, your message would have been received the way you intended it to be ( ie...." in the past when I have said no for no justifiable reason, it has made the Duke feel......"
I would imagine the comments that seemed to disagree somewhat with your post might have seemed frustrating to you, but as we all know who live this life, there is no one way, and no clear cut black and white in this ttwd. Often words can be misinterpreted when we 'address' others. It is difficult enough to maneuver in this dynamic without reading or interpreting what you read as- that if you do A , B will happen and it is your fault. Again I am sure this was not your intent, but that may be the reason why you received gentle push back on your last post ( although I am only basing my opinion on my feelings in the matter- not speaking by any means for others).
Finally being comfortable in my relationship, posts that address don't general rile me up. This one did not either. I do have the benefit of knowing and believing that what happens between Barney and I might not be the same as what happens between Susie and MM or you and Duke. As you know, each household is as different as the men who lead them and the women who submit to them, just as I would imagine submission looks different to everyone too. It is just that sometimes those who haven't reached that point, don't always see that ( I can attest to this as I have received numerous emails in this regard). For this reason, I left my comment stating why I personally thought at times it is okay to say no, on your last post.
love
willie
Gentle pushes can be good, it helped me see that I was not clear enough in my last post, and some of the things I said could be left open to bad interpretations. I would never want it to look like I was giving advice to do something that would actually hurt or damage the marriage, or DD dynamic.
DeleteEsMay,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a gentle voice here in blogland - and you always speak in first person - I don't see how your last post could have been mis-interpreted at all. But I did enjoy reading your clarification here. And this statement that you made, I loved the most.
"I want to learn to be more submissive, swallow more of my pride, and let go of the need to control the situation more often when it comes to spankings. To let go more and trust the Duke more."
Beautifully said. :)
Love & hugs,
Cali
Thank you for your support, Cali. :) I really do want to keep growing in my role. :) {{{hugs}}}
DeleteOk I went back and read your last post so I could see what was going on. I can see what you were saying in your last post, but I can also understand why some commenters felt the need to say something. I'm glad you cleared it up with this one. Like Willie said, I think if you had included the thoughts from this post in your last one, it probably would have been received better.
ReplyDeleteI generally try not to fight a spanking. And for the record, I don't consider trying to talk your HoH out of a spanking as fighting it. I consider saying no or refusing to cooperate as fighting it.
I do sometimes get squirmy during a spanking, but it's rare that I fight one from the beginning. On the few occasions that I have, it's been a direct result of me not being in the right headspace going into it. While we both would have benefited from postponing the spanking until we talked in those situations, it's sometimes difficult because I may not realize that I'm at that point or I may have shut down and not been willing to talk.
Steve almost always asks me before a spanking if I'm ready. That gives me an opportunity to air any issues I have with the spanking or let him know I need a couple minutes to get in the right headspace. He'll ask again a few minutes later, but unless I've come up with a really good reason to call off or postpone the spanking, he'll go ahead with it.
That can be so true, Dana. Even when we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we don't realize just where our heads, or hearts are in a specific moment. I think it is absolutely wonderful that Steve asks you if you are ready, and that he gives you a few minutes if you need it. :) Steve, from your posts, has this great way of showing you love, and I love that. :) You are very blessed.
DeleteYou made lots of excellent points in your post yesterday Es May. I agreed with you on many levels. I think I had a need to explain some of my own experience because after telling your own story, the encouragement to others to submit instead of fighting a spanking felt too general. I wanted to speak to the fact that there is a difference between the feisty, whiny NO and needing to call a time out for very healthy reasons. I know you didn't intend to over-speak...that is not like you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe think about it this way. When you hear a good sermon or homily, after a few days or even a week, what do you remember most about it? Do you remember the main points? I don't...what I remember are the stories or illustrations that they used and if they used the right ones, I remember what they preached about. It's the same when we write. When we tell our stories on our blogs, we help others tell themselves their own story. Connections, parallels, all sorts of thought provoking stuff happens. We end up learning from each other. I would encourage you to keep telling your story. Women are touched and learning from your growth. If you want to go further and give some advice, I think you will find that others will throw in with some comments that provide more info or alternate ideas. We used to do this more out here--not always agree with each other--but if we choose to, we can come though it with stronger friendships.
All that said, I am about to try to write a post that includes how my husband announced a spanking yesterday and then told me that I wasn't allowed to whine about it. BAH! He's so mean. I didn't (though he had to warn me), but we also did what I talked about in my comment to you yesterday. We talked before it happened b/c I wasn't ready.
I understand what you mean, I do tend to remember illustrations better. And I'm glad that you two got to talk before hand so that you were ready. :)
DeleteOh I have been known to say no and fight a little, just to put him off when push comes to shove and he tells me to get into position and I realise it's going to hurt.
ReplyDeleteI can see what you were saying and why .... And I should try to learn from it!
Yeah, it does hurt. :( But it is something I'm glad I learned. :)
DeleteI will be honest, I have fought a couple in the beginning, and those were will deserved one's too! I wish I would have read a post about how detrimental that behavior is, and yes, there are valid reasons for postponing...Been there too. I knew what behavior you were talking about, but it's so nice to see everyone adding healthy and helpful comments! Such an awesome thing your doing EsMay. :) Hugs
ReplyDeleteLooking back on posts, and realized I somehow didn't reply to yours. Not sure you will ever see this, but I'm really sorry I missed it. Hope all is well with you. Miss seeing you around. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Excellent posts--both the first one and this follow-up. It's such a balancing act of emotions and gives and takes, and making sure we encourage enough to instill confidence in our Doms, yet resist enough to appease our own stubborn minds, and sometimes it all backfires, we push too far, and our Dom shuts down or we shut down. Then we pick up the pieces, figure out what went wrong, and try it all again :)
ReplyDeleteI do think that, no matter what, communicating respectfully is paramount in all of our relationships, and both parties should *always* be open to communication, even if one feels that the other is being unfair or pushing too far. Really, a lot to think about Es May, thanks for these. I'm sorry I don't have the time to read all of the comments, but I'm sure an interesting conversation has ensued.
Thank you, Autumn, and I'm glad it gave some food for thought. :)
DeleteEs May,
ReplyDeleteI so love your last post. There have been a few spankings that I have not been ready for or willing to accept. Jack has given me the time to get ready. But it still did happen. You stated well excellent points. Jack will not spank when I am not well. It always boils down communication, always. If a spanking is to take place, trust must be in place first.
Meredith
It gives a sense of safety when they follow through, doesn't it? :) And you are right, there must always be trust first. :)
DeleteI have often asked the question, "Why do I push away that which will bring me the most joy and contentment?" I don't have the answer. But I think that sometimes, we just get to a place that "Heck no, I don't want/need a spanking. What would make you think that?"
ReplyDeleteBut clearly there is something that our HOH's see that tells him that this is what we need - through want out the window. So we push against it. Why? Who knows. I might actually pay money for the answer to that question. haha
But I love how you said you want to be more submissive and swallow your pride. You are on the right path, I think. Then again, what do I know? Not much, that's for sure! lol
Hope you're doing good. :)
Sarah, I think I fight things that will give me contentment at times too. :( And not just in DD. And thank you for te compliment. :) And I do think you know a lot. :)
DeleteTonight will be my first true spanking since agreeing to this lifestyle. I am glad I read this because I was already feeling the desire to resist. I want/need/deserve this but the natural fear was taking over. Thank you for opening my eyes to the importance of complying from the get go! I do not want my husband discouraged or doubting it himself. I completely trust him and do not want to do anything to shake his confidence. Nervous but now happy to comply 😊
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed your comment. I hope your first spanking went well. I know we're four years later, but hoping it did go well. :)
DeleteEsMay