Thursday, February 20, 2014

Spanking Gone Bad - Any Advice?

Tonight we started our week of spankings. I ended up with four because of it. :( That has never happened. Ever. :( I wasn't going to post about this, but I have posted so much of the good, that I should be honest with the bad as well.

So the Duke spanked me, I went in to the spanking in a good place, but when he was done, I was all in a funk. It was a long day, good news, it doesn't look like I have a heart problem, bad news, I never get backed up, but that looks like what has caused the problem, and never really dealing with this before, I'm all out of whack. The 18 month old I look after has been sick, and cranky, and CRANKY. "Mom's" been needing extra help with shovelling and errands. D's {my diabetic cat} sugars are going crazy. I've been driving on horrible slipper/snow covered roads with mean drivers that get mad at me for going 10km under the speed limit, about 6 miles for you American folks, when the weather is bad, and a guy blaring his horn at me today for it was the last straw.  All I see around me is how behind I've gotten while I was sick, laundry, unkempt rooms, and I'm trying to get caught back up. And I'm stressed. And then I look around at how little I have to do, and can't imagine for the life of me why I am. I'm a nanny for goodness sake, nothing glamorous, or even close to rocket science. :( I could be doing so much more...

Anyway... so all of this, and I think that led me to my funk. All the sudden I felt like a different person. Not as in I just felt different, but I literally felt like someone completely different, like another being. I was defiant, I was closed off, the Duke tried to joke and bring me out of it, and walls just FLEW up around me. Spanking. Then, HOW DARE HE came through my mind, and I got more defiant. I was yelling at whoever it was that had taken over me to calm the freak down. To just let go and submit, but no way, this other person wasn't having it. She was mad, and she was not going to back down. The Duke went to do another spanking, and it ended up with us full out wrestling... I'm pretty strong, he's definitely stronger, but I can make it very hard for him in the mean time. He finally pinned me and spanked me for all I was worth. And then it happened. I hyperventilated. The spanking had to come to an abrupt halt because I couldn't breathe. It took a few minutes for that loud inhale sound to stop, but still, my breath took several minutes to return to me. I don't know what happened.

And then, I finally snapped out of it.   I was me again, but exhausted, like when I've woken up from a bad nap. All the sudden I was confused, I didn't really know why everything had happened, why I had acted that way, and it felt like there really had been someone else. It was so strange, and I was so tired, and limp, and just wanted to sleep.

I'm back to normal now, and we did another spanking so that we could end off on a good foot, this time a bit softer, with me going willingly over his lap.

I started bawling. I realized how little control I have over everything, and all the sudden, ensuring the Duke has control in our marriage was the last straw. All day I live a life where I don't call the shots, at anything. My boss works from home, and I love her, but she's so afraid of her kids becoming attached to someone other than her, that she's always over my shoulder. I do whatever "mom" needs, and I'm glad to, but it gets hard at times. I want to be a mom, and can't be. I want to get rid of this disease and get smaller, and fight and fight to do so, and get no where. And in so many other things, I have no control. I think part of it was a panic of losing myself, of what I want never really being important. I felt myself slipping away and all the sudden, felt who I was, what I want, no longer mattered.

But am I crazy? I don't remember this panic, this hyperventilating, this stepping outside of myself ever happening during a spanking, I'll have to go back through my posts to see, but I just don't recall it. It scared me. I didn't like it. It makes me feel like I've lost my mind. As hard as that third spanking was, as much as I hate that I hyperventilated, I think I needed it, I'm not sure I would have snapped out of it otherwise. The Duke was beating himself up for it, but I really think had he left me, it would NOT have been good at all.

Does all of this make me a bad submissive wife?  Have I just undid so much of the growth over the past year because I just couldn't give in tonight?  Or worse, led myself to believe in growth that wasn't there?

I hope I haven't made you all think I've gone completely postal. I hope I don't lose anyone because of this... but I would love to hear your points of view as well... I know tomorrow this will all be okay probably, so that is why I'm sharing all of this tonight, while it's still real, while it's my world at the moment.

And I got your comments from yesterday... just, wasn't in the head space tonight after everything to comment back... I'll try to tomorrow.

37 comments:

  1. A bad day doesn't make you a bad submissive wife. Nor does it alienate Duke or anyone here. I think Duke handled it perfectly, and you may not want to hear this, but he may need to do it again and take you to the point of being able to let it go and forgive yourself. If you ask him, I guarantee he will say what Ward always says - "Love, I forgave you before you ever spoke the words. Now you forgive yourself." (((hugs))) EsMay - it happens to all of us.

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    1. Aw, June, I almost bawled, what a beautiful thing for Ward to say to you! {{{hugs}}} Thank you, we are going to do a week of spankings, well, maybe play it by ear, but that is our goal. We've never done this, but I feel I need the stress relief, the attention, the help with getting back into the swing of things, and what have you. But only if it's helping. So tonight we'll see if this spanking helps even more. Thank you, I am glad to hear I am not a bad submissive wife. {{{hugs}}}

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  2. I just started reading your blog so I'm not sure what your posts are normally like, but I can't possibly imagine you losing any readers over a post like this. It's honest, passionate, and REAL--content that all of us crave in a blog. Thank you for sharing this one with us, because this lifestyle can be very messy and complicated, and yet people seem so hesitant to share those parts. I think we want to paint a picture of our life for others so that they see the benefits of this lifestyle and see how it has changed us for the good, but that's not always the case. There are ups and downs, just like any other relationship.

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    1. I do try to be honest, Autumn, but to be honest, I always try to look at the good side of things, and so that is what comes through on here and in my daily life, and sometimes I think I have to admit more to the bad that is going on. You are right, this lifestyle can be messy, complicated, and I think we do shy away from sharing, I think part is that we want to look like we have it together so we can keep helping others, and if we don't, people won't think we can help anymore... but there may actually be more we can help with... just maybe, if we show the struggles too. :)

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  3. Oh EsMay. What a bad day, no wonder you felt like you did. None of us are perfect submissive wives. It must be really hard to work with children thinking you cant have your own. You may still do so , so you must try hard not to think that way. I would find it difficult to look after others while all the while yearning for my own so you do need to give yourself a bit of slack there lovey. As to the messy house, tough tomorrow is a another day and you have been very poorly. The duke wont care whether you have tidied up for a bit. I am not sure myself whether a week of spankings was a good idea. It seems like a bit too much pressure, a week of cuddles and sex might be more fun. This wont put you back, we once had a spanking gone wrong (due to a misunderstanding) I did blog about it but have no idea how to direct you to it and the next day we were laughing about it. I love reading your blog, I wish I lived next door and could pop round for coffee, I would have loved a daughter just like you. Lots of love and sympathy. If you get five minutes please could you say a prayer for my son he is in hospital, he is an insulin dependent diabetic and another virus has given him big problems this week. love ya EsMay, hope today is better
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Jan,,read your comment, adding your son to my prayers.
      hugs abby

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    2. Jan, sending positive thoughts and prayers for your son.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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    3. Hey, Jan. I sat down for a few minutes to pray for him just now, and will try to keep him close in prayer throughout today. {{{hugs}}} Thank you for allowing me to help in this way, and I'd love to hear any updates.

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    4. Oh jan, I'm so sorry about your son, sending healing thoughts your way x

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    5. Thinking of you and your family Jan x

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    6. Oh gosh thank you all so much I didn't mean to hijack your blog. He has just been released, what a night. He has lost a lot of weight so looks a bit poorly but his levels are okay now. Thank you everyone,love Jan.xx

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    7. You did not hijack my blog. I love that so many responded and prayed for you and your son. {{{hugs}}} I am glad that he is put, and will pray that he continues to heal, and put any weight back on that he needs. {{{hugs}}}

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    8. So, this comment is to answer your other part of your comment. :) YOu know.. I do find it hard at times to look after the 18 month old boy at times... I just hold him, and find myself crying because I didn't get to do that with my own son. Well I got to hold him, but only for two hours. Holding this little guy makes me miss that. And Jan... your words, melted my heart. I was not wanted by my own mother, and to hear someone say such beautiful words, there are tears... don't worry, they are good. :) Thank you... so much, for loving to read my blog. That, touches me so deeply. Thank you. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

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  4. OH sweetie.....this is your blog to post anything you want....we will be here. Ever heard of STRESS...sounds like you had more than your share. Duke dealt with it well, and it worked. You are NOT a bad wife, or a bad submissive wife...you are you....and also you are human. And BTW,,,your job, one of the most important ones around....hand in there, hope things get better.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you, abby. I guess you are right about my job. If I were a parent, nothing would be more important to me when I went to work than making sure that my kids were with someone that would love them, and keep them safe. I have to remember that. But then, when saying what I do, it seems so small, so sad. And thank you for your vote of confidence, I really needed that, thank you. It is so good to know that one bad night cannot undo years of happiness. :) {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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  5. Es May, I'm so sorry you went through this. It sounds like a particularly stressful day and that having been poorly you felt as though you were behind and became overwhelmed. You do still need to take it a bit easy and take care of yourself as you are still recovering.

    This does not make you a bad submissive wife at all and you certainly have not put your dynamic back. If anything, the fact that the Duke handled the situation so well shows how far you have come. We have had spankings go wrong and it is upsetting and confusing at the time, but, as we always say, these incidents often make us stronger.

    Don't sell yourself short. You are one of the most selfless and compassionate people I know and I agree with Abby, your job is one of the most important.

    I'm so glad you posted this and I too doubt very much you will lose any readers. This post is real. This lifestyle is messy and confusing at times and it helps to know we are not alone in this.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Roz, thank you, I never thought of it like that, but it is true, the Duke really can step up now. He was really honoured by your compliment. And I don't know what to say about your compliment about me, I feel so far from selfless, but thank you. And yes, this life can be quite messy and confusing. LOL DD should come with a disclaimer. ;) {{{hugs}}}

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  6. Oh honey :( first let me say I don't think you're crazy and if you lose any readers over this post, then they're not worth having in the first place.

    God if your a bad submissive wife over one defiant episode what does that make me ??? Lol ok we all know I don't even call myself submissive haha

    Give yourself a break honey. It's hard looking after other peoples kids no matter how close we feel towards them. Even if it's close family, it's difficult to respect the parents wishes but not get caught up and want to do things differently. It must be so much extra hard for you, having such a baby wish and having to look after this child and at it's age, where they are in to everything and having mind boggling tantrums and then an over protective mother over your shoulder. I feel for you, just don't let it get you down, you're doing a great job honey. And no it's not brain surgery or anything but toddlers are hard work and exhausting and can play your nerves really well.

    What you felt sounds like a panic attack to me babe, it happens when we feel cornered and that sounds like what you were feeling, backed up and nowhere to go and even though you fought him, the end result was that you realised the Duke wouldn't give up on you and that's how he brought you back.

    Take it easy a bit on yourselves. I'm with Jan here maybe everyday spanking is too much pressure, maybe you need a lot
    More tlc :)

    Hugs honey, you know where I am if you need to talk :)

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    1. heheh, thank you Missy, for being so protective. :) It does make for some had days wanting a baby, and looking after one, but there are also so many blessings. I guess I'm going to have to look into the panic attack thing... wow. And I am very grateful he brought me back... I'm not sure what today would have looked like had he not. {{{hugs}}} And thank you, I definitely do know where to find you. ;)

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  7. There are some who would probably never understand the Duke's actions here, but they are not you living your life and writing your blog. I personally think having true stories on your blog that sometimes show the downs as well as the highs is a good thing.
    I wrote a post about the morning after I sat with my very close uncle as he died. H was very dominant that morning, ordering me about and he also spanked. To many that would seem absolutely awful, but he knows me. He knows that I was spiraling out of control and his dominance was the thing that would make me surrender to him and give up some stress and control.
    I think the Duke probably acted in the right way if you feel better about it now.
    However, sometimes spanking just goes wrong. You are both human, you have emotions, you hurt. Accept it and move on, which it seems like you did.
    Take care x

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    1. First of all, I am sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}} I must have missed that post, sorry. :( I'll have to go back and look for it. And I think what your husband did was so wonderful. Wow, he really is there for you. :) And yes, thankfully we accepted it, and moved on.

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  8. EsMay, as you read my last post, you know we had a spanking go wrong not too long ago..well okay it was after the spanking that it went wrong, but ya know. It happens. Have you ever read the stages of spanking? There is one ( assuming your spankings are intense enough) that is anger. If the spanking stops too soon, you can be left in that spot. Adrenaline starts pumping through your body and if it isn't released then it stays there. And BOY it feels like you need an exorcism.

    Duke handled it the best way I think he could, and you know good for you to finally concede the last time. The worst thing for us is when Barney doesn't get me out of it. I can usually do it myself over time, but there is a brutal time period after if he doesn't get me over the hump.

    I do have to disagree with the TLC/ no spanking thing, based on my reactions and a few girl friends of mine ( so it might not apply to you) . After these sorts of 'episodes' happen an our husbands turn to TLC or as snippies refer to it ' housewife mode' we tend to view them as a turtle laying on their backs...ready to be ...well you know. It is more a weakness in our minds- when we need/want their strength. I would suggest that Duke carry on as planned

    The hyperventilating could have also been brought on by the excursion of the wrestling prior, and not catching your breath, which led you to panic. Keep an eye on it, but if it hasn't happened before, I'd lean more towards that theory myself.

    AND lastly, the fact that you are concerned about all this says to me that you are 'submissive' <- whatever the heck that actually means. *wink*
    willie

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    1. hmmm, I'll have to see if I can find that info about the stages of a spanking, it sounds interesting. I think for now we are going to carry on as planned, but with a bit more tlc thrown in as well to make sure I'm not overwhelmed, or feeling panicked. It will take some balancing this week to see how to do it, but I think the attention to detail may be good for us as well. :) And thank you, glad to see that I haven't lost all my submission. And your words about an exorcism bring me comfort that I wasn't TOTALLY crazy, because, man, I felt like it. I really felt like I'd gone postal, and that someone else had taken over. I NEVER want to feel that again.

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  9. I think most people are struggle to figure out what a good submissive wife is supposed to look like but I KNOW you are not a bad one. You are an incredibly giving and loving wife and the Duke is so lucky.

    We had a spanking go bad recently and I sulked and moaned about it and now we're laughing about it. Lesson learned. No matter what our relationships look like, sometimes things are going to go bad and we need to keep on communicating about why and how to handle next time.

    I'm sorry that your week was so stressful. You've been very sick, you have other health issues to worry about, the weather has been really getting to people, work is hard no matter what you do. It's hard to keep loving on yourself when things are rough.

    A big hug and I hope these next few days are better. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Leah, your compliments, wow, thank you, I am so humbled. And thank you, hopefully the next few days will be better. :) I already feel so. I think you are right, okay, I know you are right. lol There will be bad times, there is nothing we can do to completely avoid them, and thankfully, the Duke is very willing to communicate on them. Yes, sometimes he's hurt and needs some time before he can talk, but he always is willing to talk when he's ready. {{{hugs}}}

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  10. Big Hugs!!!!! I think we've all had a couple spankings go bad, and it stinks when it happens, but sometimes they just happen. I've totally had the hyperventilating, panic spanking moment, it's scary but I glad you had a redo to set you back on a good path! The worst thing ever is to be stuck in that bad state. I love that you share the good and the bad, both are needed for growth, and it helps me to know that I'm not alone when I have a bad day too! and....I understand the feelings of "I can be doing so much more" I'm struggling with that right now, I feel like being a stay at home mom is not worthy or I feel invisible some days, but I also know deep down that it's the right decision for right now, it's the right decision for our family, but I sometimes compare my life to others and that's when the panic and stress sets in. At the end of the day, we just can do the best we can, and make the best choices for our family. The two of you will be just fine! and you are nowhere near unsubmissive, it was just a bad day. Hugs!!

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    1. Thank you. :) I think it's great that you do what you feel is right for your family, I hope to be a stay at home mom too if we have kids, but I do know how hard it can be, and how it can seem small at times. {{{hugs}}} But I think what you do is so important, and your kids will remember you being there for them. :) And thank you for liking that I share the good and the bad. It isn't always easy to do... but I'm me, and I can't fake being someone else. I don't have the time or energy. lol And as much as I hate that you've had that panic, it really helps me feel less alone. {{{hugs}}}

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  11. Hi EsMay,
    So sorry that the week of spankings started out this way! Sometimes, regardless of the good intentions of both parties, something goes wrong physically or emotionally and it just doesn't work in that moment. I don't know how you process your spankings and if you go through "the stages", or whether you usually cry during/after, but it sounds like how I feel if I am spanked hard but not long enough to really start crying. If Ash stops before I the tears are REALLY flowing I am mad and sometimes hurt, and the only way to fix it is to keep going until I "get there". Also, do you guys ever do submission exercises or corner time? Not as a punishment, but before or during a spanking to help keep your heart where it should be? I know how frustrating it can be to not be able to feel that way you want to, it sucks! I do think that your stress and frustrations are extremely valid, though. And as far as not being submissive enough...well, if we were perfect what would we need our HOHs for? They aren't looking for perfection, they love all the parts of us! Even the parts that stress and don't always submit completely.

    Lots of love and big hugs!
    River

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    1. Hmmm, we have done submission exercises, I am a firm believer in them... but since I've been sick, they kind of fell to the side, but I do think it's time we started in on them again. Willie mentioned the stages of a spanking too, I have to look that up and see what they are. It might help us out to know. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  12. Es May,
    I have not read the comments but wanted to leave you one nevertheless. This has happened here and I would say happens every couple of months. I panic and the reasons are not always the same but we have learned that when it happens, MM needs to stop, help me settle down, talk if I'm really upset or over the top and then do what you guys did--go back at it but with a bit more attention. Does it make sense that there are moments when maybe we are a bit too stressed for a spanking? It happens to me and I need to settle first.

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    1. Susie... all these comments helped me, but yours seemed to hit me differently for some reason. Sorry everyone else... I think that is exactly what will work for me, reading your words, I kept feeling like my heart was saying "yes, yes, that's it." I needed the Duke to stop, and he didn't at first because he didn't realize what was going on. Then I needed help to settle down, but he was so confused, me too, that that didn't happen, but that is what I needed. And the talking, yes, and then going back, which was so good that we did. Thank you, I've told the Duke about your comment, and we're going to remember it in case it ever happens again. Thank you so much.

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  13. EsMay..I know I am joining in a bit late. Sorry to hear about how your recent incident came about. In that moment it can be overwhelming, scary, frightening particularly when you are not clear as to why you may be reacting that way. Now that we are on our way to working through a process that works for us, I recently have started to experience what I presume are panic attacks. I think for me it is because the "reality" of what I have asked him to do is sinking in particularly when he is quickly and effectively moving forward in his role. Just this week is a perfect example. I am overwhelmingly tired from work and those issues. Hubby has attempted to spank twice, only fir me to get totally pissed off. Talk about me sending mixed messages. While he did back off a bit, he did tell me when my week was done, we would be "talking" again. I hope giving me some space to come down after my hard week will put me in the right frame of mind. How it will go the next time will be up to me I suppose.Hugs to you that you will come into a better place. I have no doubt Duke will see to it that you will.

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    1. Oh, Catherine, that sounds like such a hard week. {{{hugs}}} I hope that you two are able to sit down and have that talk, and find some ways that will make this easier on you. And yes, the Duke has been very good about helping me in this place, and these comments from everyone really helped with that. :)

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  14. Es May, my heart aches for you. Please do not think that anyone would turn away from you for this heartfelt post. You are an amazing woman. I had fertility issues also and was never able to concieve but I have 4 of the most amazing sons now. Two are stepsons and two were adopted but they are all children born not under my heart but in it. Don't give up but don't deny other possibilities. As for your situation, I know with the love and leadership of your amazing HoH you will both get through this. Don't despair. We learn a little everyday.
    Ladybrittany

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    1. Brittany, thank you so much for sharing that with me. I feel truly honoured. We do have our names in for adoption, have for close to five years now. Back then if you'd told me we could wait this long, I would have said no. But here we are. I hope we have a family some day, some way. I would love to give birth, but am okay if that doesn't happen if we can adopt. Not having children at all... now that would be hard. And thank you, he will get me through, he's been so good about all of this.

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  15. Hey Es May...been away from blog land for a few days so I'm very late to the party. You got some great advice from a lot of wonderful ladies above so there really isn't anything for me to add.

    I did notice that Willie mentioned the 'stages of a spanking'. One of Matthew's sisters had the book "Christian Domestic Discipline 101" by Leah Kelley which defines the stages. Even if you don't agree with CDD (FYI, I don't), Leah does have some good points in her book. I checked and it is available on Amazon kindle for 3.99.

    Sending lots of positive energy! Moving forward now to see what else I missed.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you for letting me know that, Cat. :) I'll have to take a look at it. I am not for CDD either, but I am sure that every form of DD has pointers I can learn from, we can learn from, even if we don't embrace the lifestyle as a whole. I am a Christian, it's who I am, but I am just DD when it comes to this lifestyle. :) {{{hugs}}}

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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