Monday, February 17, 2014

DD - For Life or A Phase?

I asked this question on the D&L forums the other day, and wanted to ask it here as well because it really is something I've spent time thinking on since I asked it.

A couple of weeks ago we were talking with a friend about DD. She and her fiance know about us now, and she had some questions. She had a question about it being a phase, and some things to ask about it. She did not mean that we were just doing it as a phase, but I was suprised to see the Duke speak up and tell her that if she thought it was just a phase, she had the wrong opinion of it. That DD was for life. If I ever withdrew consent, he'd abide by that, but he'd not feel any peace about it. He saw DD as a life long solution, and wanted her to realize that.

I was surprised first of all, because before DD, the Duke would never have stepped up and defended a belief of his like this. But second of all, part of me always felt I had guilted/forced/tricked the Duke into this lifestyle. I have always felt he is just doing this for me, and one day will get tired of it, and we will stop. This made me realize how much he's really into this, and that it is as much for him as it is for me.

But it made me wonder. Do some people feel this is only a phase thing for them? Something to help them learn and grow for now, and something they will move on past in a while? If so, how would you go about doing that? Do you think you'd miss the structure of DD once it's gone? Or would it be worth the freedoms you'd get?


---  I got different answers, some had done dd and don't now, some had a different perspective on how long it would last from their spouse thought, and some felt it was long term.  I found this all very interesting.  I love to study marriage and see how each couple makes theirs work.  So, I realized, I wanted to know what you all thought.  How do each of you in your marriages think about this?  Do you find you feel different about the duration than your spouse?  Is your goal to do this for life?  Or until a certain stage?

I have to admit, for us, I can't imagine to ever going back to life before DD, and from what I gather from a lot of the blogs I read, I think you feel the same, but maybe I'm just assuming because that is how I feel?

I'd love your point of views. :)

32 comments:

  1. Well as a couple that has been married for 18 years, just a drop in the bucket I realize, I am entirely unsure. We have only been at this a year and a half, and I would hope we would only get stronger and go deeper with this, but the reality of the situation is, life is what it is. I don't plan on an 'end game' but it may very well happen. I know Christina talks about her mother-;in-law getting spanked still, so it can have the longevity of decades. I honestly don't know what the future will hold. So many variables really. I certainly don't view it as a phase, but I suppose needs and desires could very well change as the individuals do.
    So for now, or forever I will enjoy what Dd has brought to our marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really like how you put that, that needs change as the individuals do. That gave me a lot to think on. :). I guess I wasn't looking at it like that before. I had thought the only reason to give up DD was lack of time, or finding it too hard to keep up with, but after a lot of thought, and reading the comments, I really do see now how it could change, just like a ything else, as we grow. Thank you for your thoughts on this. :)

      Delete
  2. I really don't know. I think there's a negative connotation to the word "phase" and I don't think there should be. Needs and circumstances change. We started dd at the highest point in our marriage, so I know that it can be great without it, yet I'm very happy that we're where we are.

    I'm still getting my head around punishment spankings. I'm not sure if they're here to stay in our marriage or not. I also know that I wanted my husband to take more of a lead in our marriage and I wanted to do more following, but when the kids are grown and we're retired, maybe that won't be the case.

    I do know that spanking brings us closer. It's hard for me to imagine that there won't be some sort of spanking in our relationship even if he's just patting my bottom when we're 90-year olds using our walkers and mortifying our children.

    I've asked G if he thinks I'm going through a crazy phase and he says he doesn't know but he likes it. It's very cool that you had the affirmation from the Duke that this is right for the both of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I am glad that he likes it.:) I really can see how after the kids are grown needs will change. There won't be as much stress, you'll be less busy, and so there may be less need for leading or discipline. Hmm, really liking what I'm finding out here. Thank you for sharing. And yes, it was good to see that at least for now, we are on the same page, and hope we continue to be. :)

      Delete
  3. I think it depends on the couple. For some, it probably is a phase, although it might not necessarily start out that way. They may go into DD hoping to fix things and drop it when it doesn't work. Or they may just find that it isn't for them.

    For others, it's a lifelong thing. When I look back on our days before DD, it's like a totally different life. I don't want to go back and I know Steve doesn't either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I can fully agree with that. As much as DD is a blessing to our marriage, I don't believe it is for everyone, just like I don't believe every !ariage would benefit from kids, or what have you. :). So glad to see that you and Steve are on the same page, I think that is so important, when possible, in these decisions. :)

      Delete
  4. Considering I have been a spanko since birth, it's hard to believe TTWD would be anything but a lifetime interest, but I have certainly read about couples who took breaks from DD after 8 years because it no longer fit, etc. I think the main thing would be to keep it flexible and adapting to who you are as people. This is actually the post this week for Spanking Round Table Discussion. I would love it if you would join up and post your thoughts about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Flexible and adapting, what a perfect way to put it. Thank you for sending me the link to the round table discussion, I hope to look at it I'm the next day or so. :) Sounds interesting. :)

      Delete
  5. SM has been very vocal to me about it being for life for us. He says it is forever and if I try to withdraw consent he will spank me for it because that would fall under questioning his authority and that is a rule break :) Having said that he also has said there will probably be times when we don't spank that much (although that time is obviously not right now... I got spanked the last 3 days in a row) but it will never be off the table or over for us. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL. I laughed at SM's comment about it bing breaking a rule and had to show the Duke. He laughed too. ;) It is great though that SM sees things will change and grow over time, and that that is okay. Your poor bottom . I hope it is on the mend, and that you get a break for a few days. ;)

      Delete
  6. Hi EsMay,
    I think it depends entirely on the couple, their reasoning for starting dd/ttwd, and how their journey goes. Ash and I have been married for 10 years. We did include obey in my vows, and he spanked me for fun sometimes in the first years of our marriage. He was never truly in charge though. We were both raised to think that women call the shots and rule the world, and if you didn't think that then you were a misogynist. After finding sites about dd on the internet a few years into our marriage I realized that it's what I'd wanted all along. It took me a year to work up the courage to talk to Ash about it, and it took him several more months after that to agree to try it. We began slowly and worked our way into it, and were doing ok. But after I took on more responsibility at work and was promoted, I began to have difficulty taking off my "manager hat" at the end of my 11 hour day to come home and be soft and vulnerable to him. Eventually he decided that he no longer wanted to do dd or to be in charge whatsoever. This was a very difficult 2-year period in our marriage where we were more co-parents and roommates than husband and wife. After some life-changing events, we both realized that our marriage wasn't working anymore and he told me he was ready to be my HOH, my lord and master, once again. This time forever. We discussed what had/hadn't worked in the past and why we had decided to stop dd the first time. Since then, I have had no doubts (and he says he hasn't either) that dd is the only structure that works for us. I can lead when I need to but I much prefer he does, and we are both happier that way. As for the future, no one ever knows what will happen :) But like Leah Q, I imagine Ash will tap me with his walking stick to move me along, or let go of his walker hust long enough to pat my wrinkled behind someday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How you started DD sounds so much like how we started. I even had obey in my vows too because I knew even then that I wanted to be submissive. :). It sounds like you two have really looked at and discussed what works for you both, and your marriage. I love seeing a couple working together towards a common goal. :). Thank you for sharing your story.:)

      Delete
  7. Hey Es May...trying to get my answer in before ISP goes down so sorry if I repeat other answers. I think it is totally an individual thing. For some, DD is a tool that they use for a while, for others, they might use DD to achieve a specific purpose, still others have said they have outgrown the need and still others that couldn't imagine a relationship without it.

    It's just like everything else in DD/TTWD...whatever works! ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am loving these replies, and it opens up a whole new way of me looking at things. Like you said DD is part of whatever is best for your marriage, so I can see now the need might fade, or that it may no longer be beneficial to the marriage, at which point it would have to be put aside. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. :)

      Delete
  8. Hi Es May, I agree with some of the others. I think it very much depends on the couple and that also circumstances, desires, needs etc can change over time. I guess for some it is a tool they use for a period of time and for others a lifelong thing. I also think the nature of it changes over time. Again, as circumstances and needs change.

    For us, I really can't say. We introduced DD to enhance what we had. We weren't trying to 'fix' anything. It does seem to ebb and flow quite a lot for us, but I can't imagine us going back to life without DD.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do remember you saying from time to time that DD does ebb and flow in a marriage, and I guess that really would apply to this as well. :) What I'm loving in the answers I'm reading is that people are choosing to do what is best for their marriage, whether that means DD stays or it's just for a season. I am really loving the answers here. {{{hugs}}}

      Delete
  9. For us, the physical part of DD (as in getting your backside smoked, lol) has ebbed and flowed over the past three years. I can't know if it is something we will always do. I do know that the foundation, the leader/follower part of our marriage is here to stay for good. How that works itself out over the decades is part of the adventure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like your outlook on it .:) And it really is an adventure, isn't it? I guess, looking back I do see the same with us. Some parts of DD are more prominent than others, and then at other times those same parts take a back seat. Hmm, a lot to think about. :)

      Delete
  10. I think that when we were young and not far along in our marriage TTWD or DD wouldn't have worked for us - we were not mature enough to handle such a big dynamic. In fact, we are much more TTWD than DD so there are many areas in which I am not able to discuss in any depth, such as punishment spankings, of which I have only had a few and which Dan is very much against, unless pushed to his very limits.

    We've been married 36 years this year and life and marriage brings a lot of experience with it. I love to be spanked. Hard fact. Dan is only just now comfortable with that. But whilst I have no intention of being his doormat, I do like to see how much he has grown in terms of confidence and HOHiness. He is not the sort of person to order me to do things just for the hell of it, and I have always tried to do things for him out of love anyway. But, how can I explain it, this is not a phase, this is something we will no doubt continue to do for as long as we are able. It has brought us so many positives. The main thing is the respect we now both have for each other in our everyday lives. We used to take each other for granted far too much before. We have also learned, that there is far more to this than just spanking. In fact, I would say, that that is quite a small part of it, all things considered. It is about our whole attitude towards each other. I hope I helped a bit?

    Hugs
    Ami

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Ami. I feel the same. That spanking is such a small part of what DD. And we too would not have been able to do DD in the beginning either. You know, we did the same, taking each other for granted. I used to think the Duke so much advantage of me, bit now I see blatantly obvious ways in which I took advantage of him too. :( I am glad we have grown, and that you guys have found you have too. :) And you have so much wisdom to share, I hope I will someday as well. I need to get a lot smarter first. ;)

      Delete
  11. EsMay... just joining in on this interesting thought. As they say... to each their own. Everyone has to be able to decide what is right for them now and in the future as situations may change. The basic foundation of submission and obedience should always remain in place. Spankings hopefully so regardless of the reasons, adapting to fit needs if need be. We have been together for 40 years, married for 38years. We have been using some type of spanking in our relationship this entire time although didn't really recognize this was called ttwd/dd. While we officially are now working through this dynamic, I don't think it will ever be off the table. So fof us I would believe this is for life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I actually believe that too, :) that each marriage needs to find what works for it and use that. :). I guess I must hadn't thought before on the idea that DD could be temporary. But now I'm seeing how it can benefit, even if not for life. :) How wonderful to be able to say you have been together so long, and you still sound so happy. :). I love that.

      Delete
  12. Es May, I love this topic! It's been so great reading everyone's responses. We're so new to this that I'm not sure I can give much more than an educated guess. I hope that this is something we do for the rest of our lives because I can already slowly see the difference. But there also times where I get frustrated because I feel like he's just humoring me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cathy, I think you will find that many of us that brought DD to our husband's feel that way at one point or another, at least in the beginning. :). And it could be said that at times maybe they are, but many of them, from what I have learned in my marriage, and talking to other DD wives, find that after they practice for a while that there are real benefits, and their wives do seem more happy and secure, then they themselves start liking the respect they get, and grow in confidence, and so on, and them it starts being something a lot of the husbands actually start wanting themselves. :) Now all men are different, but I wouldn't be surprised if he becomes as involved as you hope. :). I hope so anyway. :)

      Delete
  13. I think it's been solidly established that it's different for everyone, and, like so many others, I'm unsure of how long DD will last for us. What I DO know is that spanking of some sort will always be a part of our relationship, because my husband knew that going into it, and I don't want to live without it. So whether I am being punished or having fun, I know spanking, at least, is decidedly for life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, there does seem to be something about being spanked by the men that love us, doesn't there? :). I have think that is pretty awesome you were so sure, right from the beginning, that you wanted spanking. I was, but was never able to say so until I found DD. :) I hope whatever form it takes, that you have a very happy, loving marriage. :)

      Delete
  14. Hi EsMay, basically I want to just say" what Ami said". That's how it is for us, I think we started at a time in our lives when it was a fun thing, have learn't so much about each other and don't plan to stop. I suppose if you are a young couple with a family it must be harder to keep it up, life must get in the way. We are at a time when we can focus on each other and are very happy doing so.
    love Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As hard as it has been to not be parents yet, I do see how it has freed us as we started DD. I imagine if we have children, it will make it harder, especially now that we have had all this time to practice without little eyes and ears around. ;). Well I hope, since it has brought you so much joy, that it will be something you use for years to come, as long as it continues to bless you. :). I hope DD will bless us for years to come as well, even if we are blessed with our own children. :)

      Delete
  15. I know I'm late, but this is such an interesting post, and i loved reading all the comments. I think because we've attempted DD twice before, but it just wasn't right for the stage of life we were in. We needed to establish our marriage and family life and schedules a little bit longer, but I think we both knew it was something we would eventually get back into. We approached it as a life long commitment this time, and that's how it feel right now, but I know there are going to be hard times where DD might take a back seat, but I don't think it will ever go away...and that makes me happy!
    Having kids does make it a little harder, but you both have such a good foundation, you'll be just fine. It's totally doable :)

    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You do sound happy, Jennelle, I know it hasn't been an easy road for you guys, but you do sound truly happy. :) I love how you guys felt this was right for you, and even though you weren't ready, came back to it when you were. I feel that would have been us if we'd tried much earlier in our marriage. And you aren't late, we get to blogs when we can, there is no rush to keep up. :)

      Delete
  16. Hi EsMay, :) Great topic! So many great responses as well. I read this the other day, and spent a little time thinking about it. I also asked Rob what he thought. Rob gave me a "maybe" and a "Sure, why not?" I feel the same way. Whether we choose to spank or not many years down the road, both of us agreed that we LOVE where we have been in the last 20ish months. We often talk about how much we appreciate what this dynamic has done for our marriage, and mostly for our love.

    Rob and I have been together for 28+ years now. Like Ami mentioned, I also do not think that it would have worked, had we tried it earlier in our marriage. I think maturity is very much a part of our handling of it. To that point, I also think that we were both very ready for the changes that incorporating the structure of the dynamic brought. He was ready to lead and I was certainly ready to follow. I think that that was really what made it all work for us. That and the trust that we have in each other. You know- it's not perfect but it is ours. :) Neither of us want to go back.

    So while I can see how spanking might ebb and flow, or even go away possibly (though I kind of doubt this a little- as Rob kind of enjoys attending to my fanny as much as I enjoy his ministrations on occasion) as we move through life, what will stay is the communication piece- the remembering to listen to the other and really try to hear, as well as maintaining that mutual respect that so easily can become lost in the business of everyday life. It is also caring enough to do the things that make each other happy, or not do the things that you know are the opposite. As life partners, we need to pay attention to the little things that make each other feel loved and cared about. So spanking or no spanking (and I hope some spanking- lol), in the same way that we rolled out dd/ttwd- just letting it roll, we will see where it leads us. I will always be grateful for the ride! :) Thank you EsMay. Good food for thought! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Katie, I am glad that you liked the question, and I LOVE that it caused some discussion between you and Rob. :) I find that it really blesses my marriage to have things like this brought up so that we can talk, and really see that we are on the same page, and just, work on our communication skills. ;) I love what you had to say, and it's pretty awesome to see such a great outlook on marriage. I know part of it is you learning to do your marriage over the years, but I see so much wisdom in your words. Thank you. And for you, I hope SOME spanking too. ;) ;) {{{hugs}}}

      Delete

Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

Troll comments and spam will be deleted.