Thursday, February 13, 2014

My Crying Spanking

Last night the Duke came in and declared a spanking, and said it was maintenance.  I hadn't told him I thought I still needed something from my spanking the night before, because by that point, I was overwhelmed with a problem in my head, and was trying to work it out.  I'm sad to say, that creeping up to 36 and still not being pregnant again was what was on my mind.  I hadn't thought about it in over a month I believe, and so it shocked me how intense the desire was.

So when the Duke said it was time for a maintenance, I knew it was what I needed, still, I moved slowly.  I knew it was going to be emotionally hard for me to get this spanking.  But over his lap I went.  The warm up was only about 30 swats.  And then when the real spanking began, I was only about five spanks in when I started bawling.  I don't mean just a little, my whole body was shaking from it.  The Duke stopped and asked if I was laughing.  When I didn't answer, he then asked if I was crying.  I still couldn't answer, I was shaking so bad from the sobs.  He apologized for making me cry, which made me giggle for a second in the middle of my tears.  The Duke has said that my tears during a spanking are beautiful, and he's even been tossing around the idea for about a month now on writing a post on it.  So I told him the tears were good.  He sat there and rubbed my back, and then after a bit, pulled me into his arms.

I can't believe how quickly I cried.  Maintenance for us is usually about 5-10 minutes, it gets quite hard at one point, and I can't remember the last time I cried during one.  But evidently I needed to.  After he held me, all was okay in my world again.

I had needed to cry, and just couldn't seem to on my own.  I don't know why a spanking allows that release, whether it's that physical pain that allows the emotional pain to release, or if it's being in the safety of the Duke's lap, but whatever it is, I am thankful for it.

I'm okay again if children don't come our way.  I'm okay with where our life is now.  Yes, according to a number of people, we are way behind on the American dream, no house, one car, no kids, student loan debt.  But, then I remembered something last night, apparently if you have a roof over your head, a car to drive, and food in your fridge and cupboards all at the same time, then you're in the top 3% of the richest people in the world.  And we have all that.  We may not have as much as others, but we still have been blessed, and that is what I have to focus on.  I may never have my house, my kids, or a fat bank account, and that's okay. :)

34 comments:

  1. The Duke is so tuned in to you and it is wonderful to see him taking such very good care of you. And if I may say so, who really cares what other people say about how you fit into the demographics of conventional wealth. I see a richness of love and connection in your life that most of those people would envy. Those are the real treasures.

    I know it is hard when you have an age set in your head, and I know it is difficult seeing others around you with children. I'd like to share with you that my first child was born when I was 41, my second when I was 44. I know you've heard people say that when you relax it will come. That has a very real wisdom.

    Stress releases hormones into our bodies that can act as natural contraceptives, this goes back to our ancestors. It helped to ensure a higher survival rate for children born. Maybe speak with your doctor about ways to lower elevated stress hormones, look into meditation, biofeedback techniques. Spend a lot of times in Duke's arms feeling how well and truly loved you are. Find peace within yourself and it will come. We're praying for you.

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    1. Wow, June, I did not know that about the stress hormones. In fact, just before I got pregnant last time, they had put me on a relaxing medication because for some reason I carry around a lot of stress, even when there is nothing to be stressed about. They did so because my arms and legs fell asleep and would not wake back up. Sure enough, with in an hour of starting the meds, it slowly started working, and a month later we were pregnant... I'll have to talk to my doctor, and look at more ways to relax. :)

      You know, I am starting to see now what we have built over the past year and a half, well slightly less. I didn't know we could get here. I'll take his love over a house any day. And what would I have had to teach children about love before DD? How would they begin to know how to build a loving marriage when we didn't even know how to show it ourselves? In that way, I really am rich. :) I guess when I'm lying on my death bed, I won't be wishing I'd had that beautiful house, but if I hadn't had the Duke's love, I would be very heart broken over that. Now I won't have to be. :) Thank you, June for your wonderful comment, it really touched me. :) And gave me hope for a future with children, age put aside. :)

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  2. I assume you have seen a doctor about your fertility issues and I am sure that is difficult to deal with but it's good that you seem to be counting your blessings. Good luck.

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    1. Thank you, Florida Dom. Yes, we have been to a doctor. A few things seem to be keeping us from conceiving, but I hope we'll get there someday to having a full term baby. :) And I do try to count my blessings, if I didn't, life would certainly overwhelm.

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  3. Oh EsMay, when I read your first lines I really forgot to breathe. I can relate so well, because the same thoughts have been dominating my mind lately. In addition my period is late, so late that there is a rollercoaster full of hope and fear running me down at the moment. I also got hubby’s maintenance to help me out of my misery, and I am glad about that. I think that your Duke is really closely connected to you and he knew that you needed him that much.
    EsMay, I really don’t know much about the American dream, but I always thought it would be about pursuing happiness. I know that there are many sorrows connected to being short of money, and I hope that I don’t hurt you when I mention that at all. But even if there are sorrows, I don’t believe that your happiness is gone. From what I read in your blog so far, I always found that you and the Duke had found a lot of happiness in each other, because you are so close, have a common past that nobody can ever take away. I am really so sorry for all that you had to endure so far, but I firmly believe and hope that you will have your family around your table. I hope so much that there will be a little Duke and a little EsMay and more for you, and in saying that, I can only hope that I don’t intrude too deeply into something very personal. But I admit that I would love it endlessly if you out of all would have your own big family. It is a wish that I have for ourselves here too.
    Love and many warm hugs

    Nina

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    1. Nina, I don't know what to say, your words were so beautiful. :) And I would love a little Duke and EsMay around our table, maybe we could even call them that. ;) You are not, at all, intruding, I share here because I believe I can share, and others can share too. Maybe, I'm too open, not sure, but I like it. :) I will start praying for a family for you as well if that is alright? I already do for a few ladies here in blogland, knowing personally how deep those wants/desires run. {{{hugs}}}

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  4. EsMay, this was such a beautiful post. I'm so sorry about your fertility struggles. It must be so hard. I know you feel like 36 is old but my sister had both her babies in her 40s as have dozens of my friends. I'm praying that you and the Duke are blessed with another baby soon.

    It's so bad the American dream doesn't say anything about a fabulous marriage or your relationships with your friends or your faith.

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    1. Thank you, Leah. I always told God I would NOT have children in my 40's, hmmm, guess I might have to swallow my pride on this one. :) Yikes, I hate swallowing my pride. lol And you are so right. It is too bad, and that is probably why they are all scratching their heads, wondering why it is that families are falling apart all around them. :( In all honesty, I'd rather have the Duke over the American dream any day. And all my wonderful friends, especially in blogland.

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  5. Hugs....it still could happen, and i pray for you that it does.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you, so much, abby. :) {{{hugs}}} That means a lot.

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  6. Es May,
    Trust in the Lord and we will all pray for you.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, I do try, sometimes it's a struggle, but I know it's all in His hands. :) Thank you for the prayers.

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  7. I'm sorry but what will be will be. Focusing on the good in your life and being thankful is a good way to bring more good into your life. Trust and know that everything will be as it is supposed to be.

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    1. I do try to focus on the good, sometimes we lose sight of all we have if we don't. :)

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  8. Hey Es May...listen to that wise lady by the name of June! Ya know...that American dream is great but it's not a one size fits all. You have the Duke who loves and understands you and gives you riches that money cannot buy...that puts you in the group of the richest people I know...along with my other friends here in blog land.

    Sending prayers and positive energy.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat, and it's good to know I am not alone in thinking that having the Duke is one huge blessing that makes me feel rich. :) I'd rather have him than a house any day, and if I had to chose him or a family, I'd have him any day. I remind myself of this on days I may get down about the things I don't have. And I promise, I'll listen to June, she is a very wise lady. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  9. This is such a beautiful story! I wish I could get that emotional release so quickly in a spanking. We ARE truly blessed to have all of those things you mentioned, and even more blessed to have someone we love to share it with.

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    1. To be honest, Autumn, I am not sure I have ever had the release that quickly at any other time. In fact, I find it quite hard to release during a spanking, and have been thinking into why. I'll write about that when I have it more figured out. :) And we are truly blessed that we have someone we love to share this with. :)

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  10. Oh Es May, my heart truly aches for you and I hope and pray it will happen for you soon.

    You are indeed blessed with a wonderful man who loves you and knows you so well and what you need. I'm so glad the Duke was able to help you release those emotions. Sometimes tears come easier than others depending on a number of factors, including our physical and emotional state.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz, that means a lot to me. Oh, I had no idea I could cry so fast, it definitely had to be factors being different. :) It's so funny how that can affect us so much. :) And thank you, I am blessed to have him and his love... I don't feel worthy, but am so very thankful. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  11. Oh EsMay, This must be so hard to deal with at times. We had fertility issues inbetween our two sons and we fostered for a while. When I fostered a baby I magically became pregnant, The doctors said that my hormones had been kickstarted by her and because I had her I was not so desperate to become pregnant. We would have loved to adopt , have you and the Duke thought about that? It must be wonderful to give a child in need a home. I am thinking about you, email me if you need to talk to someone ( rosychuckles@gmail.com),
    much love and lots of sympathy
    Jan.xx

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    1. Oh Jan, what a beautiful story. :) We have thought about adoption, and have had our names in for almost five years now, I believe. We were up to be picked, but it was just after we lost Michael, and we felt in prayer, we needed to wait. We have not been up again since then, but we wait and check in from time to time. :) I couldn't do foster care... because I am not strong enough I don't think to hand back a child I helped raise... I would like to think I could, but I know it would be too hard for me. But I do look after an 18 month old right now, full time, and hopefully having him in my arms will help. :) Thank you for your offer, it meant so much to me. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  12. Dear EsMay,
    I was 37.5 when I had my last child & in order to have her we had to do 3 cycles of invitro & that was after 2.5 years of trying & painful procedures & fertility drugs that made me feel awful & gain weight (and I was already overweight to begin with). On the 3rd try in my head & heart I had decided that it was the last time I was going to go through the procedure/process, I had decided that if I did not get pregnant with a "viable" pregnancy that time around I was just going to let go of having another child & just focus on my weight/health & getting to where I wanted to be physically & on my husband & family as it was. I had been stressed & desperate for 2.5 years but when I made that decision I finally felt some real peace & was able to relax for the 1st time in a long time. I just said a simple prayer before we went in & just let God take my worry away. It is ALOT easier said than done, I know but I pray you will be able to realize your dream to have another child/more children.
    Love,
    Scarlet

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    1. Yeah, :) I am working on the relaxing, and letting God take the worry away, and I feel I do good for stretches, and then fall back into the trap of worry again. My problem is that I always seem to be stressed, and we don't know why. My shoulders are always tense, we catch me clenching my jaw at times, though not all the time, I tend to get a tense neck and tension headaches, so I am going to talk to my doctor about them. I've tried different things to relax, and they work in the moment, but it doesn't last once I stop. lol Thank you for your story, I love seeing how God provides. :) He is so good. :) And thank you for your prayers, they mean a lot to me. :)

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  13. Hi EsMay, I am sending you a big giant hug! I totally agree with June. I know so many people that have successfully had babies well into their 40's. Try your best not to focus on the whens, your age etc. I know that it is hard. I will pray that you will have success soon.

    I'm sorry that your spanking made you cry, but glad for you too- that you had such loving release. It sounded really special and I loved hearing that the Duke thinks that your tears during a spanking are beautiful. WOW! So loving.

    I also love how you are focusing on your blessings. You are right on- tis not our things that make us rich, but the love of our family and friends. Worth more than money can ever buy. From what I can gather, you are blessed with a pretty amazing guy. And he is blessed with you too. And so are all of us to have you around the land. I'm thinking of you and sending you many hugs to go with the giant one!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Yeah, when he first said my tears were beautiful, I didn't know how to take it. LOL but now I do see how sweet those words are. :) I am realizing how blessed I am, or getting closer to that realization. :) I am not sure a year and a half ago I would have agreed, now I am spoiled rotten. :) And I am glad that so many others are just as blessed, I hope all women, someday, whether DD or not, get to feel the amount of love we do from our men. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  14. That may be the sweetest thing I've ever heard: "The Duke has said that my tears during a spanking are beautiful" How lucky are we to be able to accept the gift of dominance that our men give us? It is such a relief being able to let go completely and cry it out when we need to. As for the American dream, you are spot-on to count your blessings. I think someone should re-define the the phrase "American Dream" as it doesn't mean what it used to. Glad for you that you are in a place of acceptance :)

    River

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    1. Hehe, River, I loved the beginning of your comment. It made his comment all the more special. :) Oh, such a relief to let it all out, I needed that cry over his lap, and had no idea how refreshing it would be. I think a redefinition on the American dream would be great. lol

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  15. Hey pretty lady...first of AMERICAN dream...*ahem?*.
    Look, you already know all of what has been said,so I am not going to repeat it. I am going to focus on what you talked about in your post- where spanking has helped you clear your mind and lightened your heart to see the pluses in your life.
    EsMay you have a gift. Maybe Dd has given it to you, but I truly believe you have always had it. Your gift is to see the good in just about everything: the silver lining, the positive spin. In addition you also possess a great faith. Regardless of what the future looks like for the two of you, you are very wealthy indeed.
    willie

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    1. oh and I also love the new look

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    2. Thank you, Willie, you almost made me bawl, in a very good way. :) I do really rely on my faith, and it's good to know that that shows. And I do try my best to see the good in things, the Duke says he sometimes forgets I'm sad about something because I do so good at showing joy at everything else. This is usually a good thing. :) I have to admit though, with the way my marriage was dying before DD, it was hard to find the good in my marriage, in the rest of life, yes, but now I can find the good in all of my life again. :)

      And thank you, I just couldn't get the look right before, and realized I was getting more noisy, when I what I really needed was for my blog to be more simple. :) The photo in behind is a picture of my wedding bouquet. They were fabric flowers, had a lot of kids going, and knew that would be safest. lol

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  16. EsMay,

    So many hugs for you sweetie. I am glad the Duke was able to take care of you again, to hold you, and to love you the way he does.

    love
    sara

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    1. It was quite wonderful, and in all honesty, hope that those times are repeated in the future. It really helped me to just go and be like that with him. {{{hugs}}}

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  17. EsMay,
    You have my sympathies. When I was in my early thirties my husband and I found out we both infertile. We decided to go the adoption route but getting the money saved has been a monumental challenge. I didn't want to take the chance of starting the process, paying the initial fees and then not be able to complete it for lack for funds. I wish I had trusted my husband's wisdom and intuition because we would probably be parents now.
    Two years ago I had a breakdown. I was asked to be a Cub Scout den mother by my church leaders and I accepted. When I went to the first meeting I was startled at seeing the youngest group of boys; they had been part of a toddler primary church class that I had taught 6 years before. The passage of time hit me like brick wall. Those little tots had grown a lot and I was still childless. When I returned home I broke down sobbing in my husband's arms. He has been such a comfort and source of strength for me through all of this.
    We are new to DD. I admitted to him recently that I know it's been my fear that has prevented us from moving forward with adopting. I asked him to take charge of the decisions that need to be made and told him I would support him in everything. I am 42 and have M.S. If he believes I can be a good mother and that I will be up to the challenge of caring for a little one then I will do my best to prove him right.
    I truly believe God knows our hearts and loves each of us dearly. I wish you the best in your journey.
    Liz

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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