Good evening, everyone.
I wanted to write a post tonight about tears. Tears can often be the end result of a spanking. Spankings are a painful thing I am assured, but these tears that come with correction are not necessarily only about pain. I find the tears that come with a spanking beautiful. Does this make me sadistic? I don't believe that is the primary reason I find them beautiful. I am not looking to hurt my mate for the purpose of pain itself; it is part of the disciplinary process. No, the reason tears at the end of a spanking can be beautiful is because of what they represent.
Tears at the end of a spanking are beautiful because they show the beauty of what is going on in the heart. Sometimes before a spanking, a sub may be bratty, they may be acting selfish, cold, indignant, or what have you, perhaps not all the time, but that can be the case. As the HoH, it is your job to discipline them; to correct their behaviour. This involves spanking, this involves lecture, and this may very well involve other disciplinary practices. However, this is about more than correcting the behavior, this is about changing the patterns that led to the behavior in question. This is about changing their heart.
Before the spanking, before the discipline has been administered, it is possible that the sub may have an attitude of rebellion towards her husband, not all the time you understand. As mentioned, she very well may have for whatever reason felt the need to break a rule or do something against what she and her husband both agreed on. However, as the discipline proceeds, as the lecture and the spanking are administered, something changes inside the wife. I really feel like the tears are a symptom of this change. The heart has been broken ever so slightly, and made stronger than before. The wife has had a change and become more submissive. The tears rolling down her cheeks are the tears of surrender to her husband. She has given up her need for control at this point, and the control has past to the husband. At this point, I am realizing I am back in control of the situation, and in control of the marriage. This is why I find tears beautiful in a spanking, because they are showing the beautiful process that is going on behind the scenes. You may disagree with this, but I thought it would provide food for thought.
Monday, February 24, 2014
46 comments:
Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)
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This is perfectly stated. The tears, for me, are a sign of surrender. What happens for me is that at the beginning of discipline, I struggle to be still and am focused on the pain. Somewhere along the way though, I feel a shift in my heart and I am able to be still as the tears come. They mean that I have surrendered my will to him and am ready to once again be taken under his arm, at his side. So lovely that you find her tears beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you River Wild.
DeleteRiver, it's so true. When I can cry, I have surrendered, and just let go to him. The Duke always insists that I come for a cuddle after a spanking, so it's good that I'm ready to be held too. :)
DeleteI agree-- tears are a signal of the change. Beautiful post about beautiful tears. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Renee Rose
DeleteThank you for sharing a beautiful post from a man's perspective.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome Catherine.
DeleteHow beautiful. This is such a lovely post, I love what you said about the heart breaking and being made stronger. I wish more Men would share their thoughts in blog land. Thank you for this x
ReplyDeleteWell, I find it hard some times to even verbalize what I am thinking, so I'm not surprised there is not that many male bloggers.
DeleteThank you, duke you for sharing your thoughts .
ReplyDeleteThese are my thoughts .. lol ..
Wow, wow, wow ...
Duke, if you are there over the knees of someone who hurt you so you would surely cry of pain and change your heart and deny that your name is Duke , and that the moon is round.
Just because the pain and the hurting would stop.
What I do not understand is how you can, at all hurt her and I do not see it as an act of love . ( Love does not give bruises and love does not hurt. )
I see it as act of spanking her into submission.
Would not it feel better for you to get her subbmission without fear of spanking, but simply because she loves you and and give it willingly to you ?
It's called love in my vocabulary.
Without the use of CP , which is offensive and degrading and nowadays everyone knows that to change anyone of behavior , is CP the worst one can make use of ?
That is why CP is banned throughout Europe.
(And spanking can always have its place for a little play and lust ... lol .. )
Hugs,
Mona Lisa.
I felt I had to reply to this comment personally. I am sorry that you feel this way, ML. The Duke has never spanked me so hard or so long as to make me wish to say something that I would never normally say just to make it end. I can see that you are against spanking as a punishment, but I don't look at this as punishment. Even then, most of my spankings are not punishent, they are maintenance or stress relief. For me, what someone would call a punishment spanking is not about making me pay for the crime. I have a horrible guilt complex perfectly formed by my mother. :( Try as I might, guilt will eat at me until I'm literally sick. But give me a spanking, and I feel I've paid for my crimes, I feel the forgiveness afterwards {it was there all along, but I couldn't accept it yet} and then I can move on. The tears I shed are not because I've been spanked into submission, they are beacause I am letting go of the guilt, all the bad feelings. Whenever I have such bad feelings and then can let in good ones, whether I am spanked at this time or not, I cry. I have had so much bad in my life, that letting in good actually hurts at times. I am so thankful the Duke spanks me, I have found a freedom in it, I now see how special I am, how loved, I am so happy now. I was self destructing before DD. It is okay if you don't agree with how we live, but I need this. The Duke does not do this for him, he does it for me, because I have asked, and because we see the depression and low self esteem fade away in this lifestyle. I know you may not agree, but I hope you can find a peace that this is what I need, what I want. :) {{{hugs}}}
DeleteI should say that submission does happen over the knee, but it isn't a forced one, or one that is beaten into me. It happens naturally as I let go and lean on and trust the Duke, he's there, he's got me and will take care of me. :)
DeleteEsMay, I just wanted to thank you for what you wrote as your personal reply to. I think the way you wrote it and what you described is very beautiful. I for one can relate and in addition, for me, spankings are an act of love. Thank you for this statement, it is lovely.
DeleteHugs
Nina
Hi Mona, I'm not sure if you realized this, but this is a spanking blog. That's what we talk about here, so if that offends you, you can probably find lots of marriage blogs online that don't talk about spankings.
DeleteEsMay and the Duke,
Deletethank you for responding to this. DD is not abuse and I wish that could be understood. It has helped my marriage for certain.
hugs and love
sara
This is such a lovely post. Thank you for your posting this and giving us your insight. I love that you find the tears beautiful.
ReplyDeleteFor me they are a sign of surrender and also my vulnerability. That is what Rick likes about them, the fact that I am opening to him and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Of course, they always lead to a greater connection and level of intimacy for us too.
Hugs,
Roz
That's cool Roz.
DeleteI find the same, that it helps me be open and vulnerable. When there are tears, I am hiding nothing at that point. And yep, more connection and intimacy here because of it. :)
DeleteTears are are special...or in your wise words beautiful. For me they show that i have surrendered, that i am letting Him in....and much like You....He cherishes my tears.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thank you, abby.
DeleteWhat an amazing post. The Man would certainly agree. For me, it's not tears, it's when my entire body relaxes.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dana.
DeleteHello Duke, I love the way you described why tears can be beautiful and I also absolutely agree with you on what you wrote about changing patterns and changing the heart. I for one am sometimes in situations when I really have no way out of behaving the wrong way and I also feel sometimes tense, frustrated or even angry about myself and have no way out. This is where hubby and I have found spankings to be more useful than anything else. I have never ever experienced any of these as abusive, but on the contrary, very liberating and giving me the relief I sometimes cannot get otherwise. So, the tears that I let out, are a major signal for hubby, too, that I really can let go all that has piled up inside me and for me, personally they are also something that I experience as a symbol for him being close to me. He is the only one who I would allow to spank me, the only one who I would allow to see this kind of tears, when I am open and vulnerable, and he is the one who does not laugh at me, but loves me more because I place my trust, love and well-being in him in these moments. Sounds melodramatic, but there is so much connected to certain kinds of tears, that I just couldn’t stop myself. :)
ReplyDeleteNina
Thank you Nina. That's great.
DeleteThis is what I find as well, I have never felt so free to be me. I can't believe how comfortable I am now with who I am. :)
DeleteDuke, an amazing post. EsMay is a lucky girl.
ReplyDeleteEsMay your response to ML may let her understand a little better. She does have a problem with CP but I think you explained to her beautifully how important it can be for some.
Thanks Leigh. I am a lucky man to have her.
DeleteThanks, Es May for the explanation. I'm glad you're not mad at me, but that we can discuss this at some level.
ReplyDeleteJust as you wrote many women who make use of DD is suffering from "learned" guilt. This is just like you wrote a "problem" that many women have amassed through childhood.
This hurts me in my heart. Really. No, and again, no one should have to suffer this row.
But Es May, there are good psychological treatments for this. Like CBT. You can modify, reprogram your mind and learn to let go of those thoughts. This can be cured.
To get spanking and gets cured for the moment only helps for next time.
Think about it, please Es May!
I have read a lot of blogs and I cried, vomited, and felt sick of "love spanking" as some women expose themselves voluntarily.
(Hmm.., It really voluntary?, In some cases, women have no chance to choose. Either this or .. bye. This is not voluntary in my eyes.)
I am strongly against CP, to use CP as upbringing, or of behavior-enhancing method.
There are many children and adults who are damaged emotionally by CP for life. Therefore, it is prohibited in Europe and I hope there will come a time that it is prohibited in the entire world.
I feel a strong strong doubts in me staying here in Blog Land because of this.
I hope Duke is not mad at me, but without your explanation, his words sound .... brrr ... like he likes to make you cry of pain or yes, spankad to subbmision ..
I responded, Because I count you as my friend and I will always respond and defend my friends.
Thank you for this discussion, Es May.
Hugs,
Mona Lisa
Hey Mona. Spanking was Esmay's idea. I didn't want to do it originally. I have never even heard about spanking in marriage in my life, and never had any interest in it. I am glad we tried it, though, because it has really helped our marriage.
DeleteWhen a spanking lifestyle is not voluntary, then that is abuse. Not only is it voluntary, but as the Duke said, I asked him. He was very reluctant. My husband is very passive, very calm, never loses his cool, and is labeled the Gentle Giant by people. Kids love him, and will shyly come up to him to take him by the hand to play, or to ask for a hug.
DeleteNow, before DD I would have done whatever I could to appease anyone, even people here in blogland, but not now... So hopefully this does not offend, I really hope I don’t offend, but I feel I still need to stand up for DD because I need it to be okay for those women who do need or crave this lifestyle. After we lost Michael, I was sent to psychiatrists, therapists and counsellors, as well as talking in great deal with my pastor who had counselling experience and friends and family. Not to mention things I'd researched or ways I got help before Michael. It all helped to some degree, but did not provide the type of emotional healing I have gone through since starting DD. See, to you a spanking is harmful. But my whole life I lived under people wanting to hurt me, and I can honestly say that this is not the Duke's intent. When I get a spanking, I feel loved. Never before has anyone cared enough about me to help me stop my destructive behaviors. I’m not spanked over everything. I am spanked if I put myself down, if I start spiralling out of control and start saying things I’ll regret later, or if I don’t go to bed on time because the next day I’ll end up with a horrible migraine, be sick all day, and just wish to die. The Duke hates seeing me like that, so he’ll do all he can to stop it. A spanking will hurt for a few minutes, a migraine, once I get one, can last for a week or more. :(
I know all of this does not make sense to you, but I can’t go back to life before DD. I need it. I’ve never felt so loved, so cared for, I’ve never had so much of the Duke’s attention, and all my friends are asking why I’m so happy now. I joke around now, I didn’t really before. I laugh, a lot. I goof off and have fun. I don’t take on the world’s problems anymore. I don’t have to feel bad about saying no to something I really don’t want to do, because the Duke will back me up on it. I wrote a post here, I’m not sure I can say it any better than I did here.
http://submittingtobeled.blogspot.ca/2013/06/domestic-discipline-blessed-me-and-our.html
I hope, Mona Lisa, we can agree to disagree. It’s what I need, I know what life was like without it, and I was very unhappy. Now I’m so happy I go around smiling half the day away. I get excited to see the Duke at the end of the day. I long for his emails when I’m at work, and to hear him call when he’s out. I truly believe, that if this was abuse, I wouldn’t be so happy. In fact, I know this to be so. I was abused severely growing up, I still have the scars on me to prove it. I was withdrawn, angry, scared, and in a very dark place. There was no laughter, I didn’t feel good about myself, I didn’t run to the person that was hurting me, I ran from them. This DD life is what I need, and I will fight for it, tooth and nail. :) I hope that won’t bother you. As much as being spanked like this frightens you, going back to being so free with no structure, that is what scares me. I hope that I don’t lose your friendship over this. {{{hugs}}}
I am sharing this for everyone to see... because I want you all to know that I love my life in DD, and want you to feel free to practice it as you need to too. {{{hugs}}}
I love your post Duke and I agree that the tears are beautiful! I agree that it's that changing in our hearts that the tears represent that is beautiful. For the first several months, I never cried during or after a spanking. Only recently have I started getting to that point. And I really believe it is the change happening in my heart. We're finally getting to the understanding of true respect and how we want to honor each other. I think that just takes some time. A change from I want to live in a traditional marriage to really feeling the deep changes it brings to your life. I guess once you've allowed your heart to get to that place, the momentary lapses are just that-a moment of poor judgement. And the calling back we get in a spanking or other discipline touches us so deeply because we want "the better way." So yes, the change in our hearts is beautiful and the outward sign is the tears.
ReplyDeleteMy best to both of you!
Clara
Thank you Clara.
DeleteGreat post, I am so glad EsMay has such a wonderful man as her HoH ; ) I have been reading through all of the posts starting from day one & I know that this role is not one that came naturally to you but you have seen how is has made a positive difference in your marriage and you have really become a terrific HoH! My husband and I have been through a lot of the same ups & downs as you & EsMay & so you both have a special place in my thoughts and prayers and in my heart as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing,
Scarlet ; )
Thank you Scarlet. Yes, it does not feel natural for me at all to lead in our marriage, but I am glad Esmay is giving me this opportunity.
DeleteHi to both of you. This is a great post , I think you love EsMay very much. I wonder why Mona Lisa reads all these blogs if they upset her. I thought your explanation was beautiful EsMay, you go girl and cry if you want to. We all live our lives how we want to, there are a lot of happy women in Blogland and long may it continue
ReplyDeletelots of love to both of you
Jan,xx
Thank you Jan. I do love her very much. I am glad our happiness does not depend on the opinions of other people.
DeleteI think this is a wonderfully written post and the love you both have is beautiful. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you Terpsichore
DeleteHey Duke...you may not write a post very often but when you do...WOW! Such a beautiful explanation. You and Es May are a lovely example here in blog land.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
LOL Thanks Cat
DeleteSuch an awesome post. I love hearing from the man behind the goddess :) Poor Mona Lisa...does she know that we are all hopeless and wonderfully happy cases? I don't think any of us have sat down and exhaustively analyzed *why* we find happiness in this lifestyle--all we know is that we're happy in it--and I sure as hell don't need therapy for something that makes me happy!
ReplyDeleteThat's a very good point, Autumn.
DeleteBeautiful post Duke. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
ReplyDeletesara :)
You are welcome Sara.
DeleteDuke this is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. You opened your heart and let us see the magnificent person you are and the living, breathing love you have for EsMay. I have never thought about the tears shed during a spanking being a changing of the heart but you are right. That's exactly what it is. With DD we as TiHs are giving you not only our submission, our trust, our decision making, but our hearts. We know that you will treasure them as you do us. When we step outside the rules we have negotiated and agreed to, we expect that you will bring us back into line. Spanking is just that, a way to put our relationship and our actions back on track for the life we have decided on together.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and I know that EsMay is so very proud of you. Let me humbly say that I am proud of you for being the shining example of what an HoH should be - kind, loving, consistent, trusting, and dependable. Hoping God brings you and EsMay all the blessings you so richly deserve.
Thank you Brittany. It really makes me happy to read that.
Delete