Thursday, August 22, 2013

What Got Into The Duke???

WHAT has gotten into the Duke???

I know we've talked lately, and he's been taking a lot in like a sponge, but something else must have happened.  I mean... come clean, did any of you send your HoH's over to talk to him?  Send him text messages or secret emails?  I haven't noticed any carrier pigeons, but if you used one, please let me know. 


Okay, so yesterday, the Duke kept checking up on me.  I've been feeling really weak to one temptation in my life.  So he kept calling me to see how I was doing.  Last break he called I assured him everything was fine.  FAMOUS last words. :(  About one and a half hours later, something happened and I broke down.  I was reading a good series of books, they were all clean.  And then all the sudden there was a sex scene, none of the other books had one, so to have one, and in detail, augh.  But I figured, I can do this, you know what, I'm a grown woman, I can't let these affect me as much as they do.  I'll be strong this time.  Yeah right... I suck.

I was livid at myself, the disappointment keen because now I had images in my head that I just could not get out, I hate that I'm like this, and I hate telling you guys after just telling you how much I was working on this in the past week.  I also let the Duke down.  I literally was feeling so guilty that I just stared off into space, I couldn't function.  Prayer meeting was at my house last night, and I'm not even sure how I got through leading it, I felt like a complete hypocrite.  I'm glad everyone else felt like they connected with God, because I didn't feel I did, and was really worried I'd hold everyone else back.

So about half an hour to an hour after everyone left, the Duke told me he thought I needed a spanking to get rid of the guilt.  I was again staring into space trying to not let the images come back to me.  I didn't mean to, but the upset was swallowing me whole.  I am not usually tempted, but lately it's been strong, and I'd lasted days and days and not given in, and then so soon after reassuring the Duke, I faltered. :(

The Duke refused to coddle me any more.  But I told him the spanking I would need to relieve my guilt would need to be hard, with an intense lecture, neither of which he's strong at, especially lecturing.  Still, he grabbed a paddle.  I told him I didn't want to.  I was firmly refused and told to strip from the waist down.  Augh... really?  Isn't it already hard enough to climb over his lap clothed... but when he got firm, I did. 

Let me tell you, it was no easy punishment.  The warm up should have warned me to the intensity that was about to come.  The Duke spanked so hard I looked back to see why he was starting the warm up with the paddle.  But he wasn't holding the paddle!  It was only his hand.  And it HURT.  Over and over again, I wouldn't be surprised if the warm up itself was 100 strokes.  I was in a lot of pain and started to panic when he picked up the paddle.  He told me I needed this punishment or I would keep making the same mistake, keep feeling guilty, and he didn't want me to have to do that anymore.

He paddled hard, through my guilt, through the anger that came, and until I was crying so hard I literally couldn't breathe.  I don't know how I stayed on his lap, but I did.  I did move around a bit, the pain was intense, and my legs did keep coming up from time to time, but I honestly didn't mean for them to, it was a natural reaction.  But even with all that, I'm so proud I didn't try to roll off his lap, or try to escape.  I am also glad though that the Duke called me out on it every time my legs went up.

Then, he asked me to stand against the door.  He sat behind me on the bed, and boy did he lecture.  He'd lectured during the spanking, but that was NOTHING compared to what he said when I was at the door.  My guilt just poured out as he asked me hard question after hard question.  I was crying so hard that at times I couldn't speak, and still he demanded an answer.  At those times, my voice literally came out in one word answers in nothing but a whispered squeak.  I can't read these scenes in novels, I just can't, because they get in the way of our own marriage, and he really let me know how disappointed he was in me.  Not because I am so susceptible to what I read and watch, but the fact that even knowing this would bother me, I still chose to finish reading the book after I found out there were these types of scenes in it.

And then he held me, for a long time.  I deleted that book from my kindle, and I then told him I would not be buying more books without his okay.  I really want more books to read, but also love to reread books.  So, for now, I'll stick to what I have.  There is one author that is a Christian that I am going to check out, and have the Duke's permission, but after that, no more books until I can find ones that are guaranteed clean.  I hate that I have to confess this after just writing about my struggles less than a week ago.  :(  I'm sorry if I make anyone think less of me, and you would have every right to.

I don't know where the Duke learned to lecture, he didn't know how to before, let me tell you, he'd get several gold stars this time.  I could sense his disappointment, I could feel it to the bottom of my soul, and it hurt.  But I needed that.  I needed to know that sometimes he's hurt.  He never shares that with me, and I needed to know it.  Knowing how bothered I am, he's going to help me.  The guilt is gone, I feel I can come before the Duke and God with a clean heart.  The Duke is here to help guide me down a good path.  Part of that is the promise that if I falter again, last night's spanking will seem tame.  I want to be scared... but I'm not.  All the sudden I feel like I can trust him to help me get strong in this area again.  I haven't been bothered like this since before we got married, and it seems like if I had to face this struggle again, I'm glad it waited until DD because now I've got support to help me through.

***Please know that just because I struggle with this, does not mean I feel anyone else does.  I also don't think horror movies are bad, but they really bother me.  And I'm not sure why.  I had a friend once, who when she found out about me, thought I was judging her too.  I so don't.  We are each bothered, or weak, with different things.  This is my weakness.  I hope in sharing my struggle, I make no one feel judged.  I wish these didn't bother me so that I had more reading and movie viewing options. :)  The Duke agrees, if they didn't bother me so much, and didn't keep replaying in my head sending me to that dark place, I'd be allowed to watch and read them.  Though even then, I probably wouldn't go too kinky.  But that's just me. :)

Hopefully this is the last post we will have where I faltered with this struggle. :)  I don't know what happened to the Duke, what memo or message he got, but I'm so thankful.  I really feel his strength in this, and it amazes me what it's already doing for me.  I didn't know I could depend on someone like this.

Thank you, Duke, for everything.  {{{HUGS}}}


  1. EsMay,

    I'm so glad that the Duke stood up for you when you needed him to. We all have our weak areas, not one of us doesn't - and I don't think anyone will think less of you for admitting to stumbling now and then.

    I truly hope that none of the books I recommended to you was one that tripped you up - I would hate that. Sometimes it's easy to forget a little scene tucked away when so many books are chock full of sex, so if I made a mistake there, please forgive me.

    But I'm really pleased for you and the Duke.


    1. I usually wait a day to reply to comments, but I wanted to assure you and anyone else that reads, it was not a book you, or anyone else suggested. :) I promise. It's one I was looking at and wanted for a while. :)

      And thank you for not thinking less of me. I finally feel now, with the Duke behind me, I have the strength to do this. Thank you for sticking with me, Cali. :) {{{HUGS}}}

  2. Hugs Es May,
    I know exactly how you feel about movies and scenes in books. You've shared your feelings in this post and nobody should ever think worse of you for that. It's as sign of strength to be able to say things about yourself that aren't as you would like them to be.
    If we were to all judge each other then we'd be taking God's roll, we all know that's wrong.


    1. Thank you, Callie. It was so hard to be honest here, but I want to be. I'm not perfect, and if I only share the good, what good will that do to me in my process, or others who might be helped in their own journey. It was the hardest thing to admit this outloud, but thank you for not judging me. {{{HUGS}}}

  3. Oh honey I'm so sorry :(

    So first, everyone knows you're not judging others. I'm sorry that these scenes cause you so much hurt, and I'm so glad the Duke is helping you with it. Not everyone likes sex scenes in books and movies and that's just fine, we're all different, and that's what makes this world interesting.
    I love to watch paranormal scary movies and scare myself half to death, but when it's over I just forget it, but put a blood and gore movie on and I'll carry the scenes with me for days. We all tick differently, don't apologise for how you feel babe.

    Hey I'm very proud of the Duke, seems like he has found his HoH hat and cape and doing a great job with them too. I'm sorry you got a hard pubishment, but it sounds like it was exactly what you needed :)

    Hugs x

    1. Missy, thank you so much for understanding. LOL It would be interesting to see you scaring yourself half to death. :) I'm sure I'm a riot at scary movies. Hands over my face, sitting low in the seat, basically shaking to death. LOL Haven't seen one in years. lol

      Laughed at your comment, you are so right, he not only found his hat, but his cape too. lol And it was exactly what I needed. I feel so free now, so light, and know I can get over this now with help. :)

  4. You are not weak, you are very strong. It takes a very strong person to admit where they have a hard time. A weak person hides and denies there struggles. I have a hard time reading or watching anything with heart breaking tragedies and where someone dies. It changes my mood and I carry it with me for days.

    I'm glad the Duke stepped up and gave you a strong lecture. Their words really do make an impact!

    1. Thank you, Kim. You guys are all so great to still want to talk to me. I feel very honoured right now, and humbled. And I know how you feel about the heart wrenching movies, that is how I feel about these scenes in books. It's amazing how we as women can be so easily influenced, isn't it? I wonder if men are to the same degree? I know the Duke doesn't... but I wonder about other men...

      Oh my, yes, his words really did make an impact, and I'm not sure I would have found the strength to really work on this if he hadn't used them. :) {{{HUGS}}}

  5. Es May,

    I'm so sorry this happened and that the spanking was so hard. It sounds as though it was what you needed though and I'm so glad it helped relieve you of the guilt and that you now know that he will continue to help you with this. Good on the Duke!

    I agree with the others. You are definitely not weak. I think it showed great strength on your part to be so open. I also agree nobody would feel you are judging them. We do all have different things that affect us in this way.


    1. Oh, it was so what I needed. :) Thank you, Roz. I really worry when sharing my own struggles that others may feel I'm judging them, and I'm so glad it does not come across that way. {{{HUGS}}}

  6. Sounds like the "Thorough" spanking 'monster' visited your house too!

    I think a majority of us have one thing or another that we just can't deal with, and feel like others wouldn't understand. Most won't share that because they think they are too different. If only everyone was so brave so others would know they are not alone. I personally can't watch the news. No I don't walk around with my head in the sand ( oh wait, that would be an impossible feat now wouldn't it? lol). I read the news online. I can't shake events they continue to eat me long after I see them. The same applies to scary movies. I used to have reoccurring nightmares as a child about demons. I have had a few since as an adult- and while I can rationalize it after I wake, the feeling doesn't leave anytime soon. It is that feeling that shuts us down. I would suppose you are the same. You can't compartmentalize the feelings so you shut down to everyone. I know it, and I hate it.

    Well now Duke knows it too. Continue to communicate and things will only get better from here, I'm certain!

    1. Oh Willie, I used to get horrid nightmares too, they only stopped a few years ago, I know how much even just one of them can affect someone for days. I'm blad they aren't that frequent for you now.

      I think you are right, you know, by the end of allt his communication, the Duke and I may be talked to death. lol

  7. Agreeing with those that have said admitting your weaknesses makes you strong. Hugs! Glad that Duke is being what you need! Hope you find something to read that wont end in another spanking! :) I have been there! ;)

    1. Thank you, Cole, it's always terrifying to admit my weaknesses, but I also don't want to only share the good and make people think I have it anywhere near all together. lol

  8. Es May,

    We all have that one thing.. I get spanked for not following the guidelines we agreed upon for my diet for much the same reason. I blow my diet, I feel guilty. I blow my diet, I gain weight which makes me feel bad about me, and I don't want to be intimate.. SO... anywho... I am so glad to see that you guys are working together.

    1. OH Dana, we are thinking of incorporating this rule, yikes... but it's the same for me. I want to lose weight, and when I eat something bad, I feel guilty, and the process starts all over again. How great that our husbands love us enough to help us. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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