Isn't it always inevitable that when you start peeling back layers, one conversation can become an on going one?
The Duke and I were talking last night. He still seems very unsure of himself at times, and I talked about maybe pulling the DD plug. I don't want him to always be second guessing himself, I don't want him to always have to wonder if he is doing the right thing, I don't want him always thinking there is a set of rules to follow instead of what he wishes to do. I don't want to add more stress. I wanted this to become who he was so that he's just enforced what he felt was important, stuck to what he felt worked, so that he'd have more self confidence, but it seemed like it was actually getting worse.
Well, I'm glad we talked. He said no to stopping DD. He said he is getting more sure of himself, which I do generally see, but when he panics, I tend to forget that. So we talked, and finally worked out that there isn't a set of rules for him. He should do what he thinks is right, not what anyone else does or says. There is no right way or wrong way for him to figure this out. That seemed to really help him out.
We talked some more, and come to find out, we needed to elaborate more in the "Don't Worry About My Happiness" train of thought from this post. That train of thought didn't do as much as I thought it would because, unbeknownst to me, he still had the train of thought in his head that "Don't Worry About Her Happiness, also means, Don't Tick Her Off." Hmm, communication... amazing how much we NEED it! lol
So we talked. We talked about the fact that even if I get mad, it blows over quickly. Like literally, it is VERY rare for me to still be upset 30-60 minutes after I've been angered. So, we talked about that. What if he did get me angry, what would honestly be the big deal? An hour later and you'd never known it happened. And in the process, I'd learn to get less angry less often, which has already happened a lot since DD. I'd learn to know when he was serious, I'd know my limits more. Also, it might be good for him to push and feel some of his emotions.
The Duke is terrified of being angry. I haven't been able to dig through the surface yet to find out why, but he never gets angry. I'm not kidding. He's never once yelled that I know of, never stormed around, never slammed a door, never got a stealy voice, never shot angry darts out of his eyes. He just does not get angry. I thought a month or so ago he might have started, but he assures me he wasn't at all. And to be honest, his lack of anger all the times worries me. So I'm hoping that in learning to push at me a little, even if he's afraid of my anger, maybe some of his will come out. I don't want him to be one of those guys that never lets his anger out and then all the sudden blows up one day in a horrible way.
So in the mean time, we peel more and more layers back. I'm learning things I never knew before, I'm learning to ask questions I never thought of before, and I'm learning to ask open ended questions, realizing before I tended to ask close ended questions. ie, before I'd ask "So, do you think we should do this, or that?" instead of "How do you feel about this? Or how do you think we should best do this?" I'm learning to not guess his motives or intentions, but to flat out ask. I've learned that assuming really does only cause me pain because I only know what I guess, not what's really going on with him.
I have some more revelations, but I'll share them in another post. :)