Yesterday the Duke was off. He just wasn't his normal self. So I shouldn't have been upset, but I was.
It was the end of the day. I was tired, falling asleep while trying to do somethings on the computer. It wasn't my bedtime, but really, I needed to be in bed. The Duke said so, but then did not follow through on enforcing it when I got side tracked doing something else.
I also told my first lie yesterday in I don't know how long. I was feeling so guilty. It is not like me to be dishonest, ever. He didn't address that either. The lie wasn't told to him, but still, I had told him about it afterwards.
Also, we are trying to get pregnant. I remember telling one of you just last week how the Duke was not stepping up in taking responsibility for is part in taking his vitamins and living healthy. Come to find out, he's only been taking his vitamins about twice a week. I was so hurt. I told him if he really wanted us to have a child, he'd be committed to at least taking his two vitamins once a day. I have to take 2 vitamins 3 times a day, 1 vitamin 4 times a day, and 1 vitamin 1 time a day. That's 11 vitamins I have to take at 4 times a day, and he only has to do two, once a day. I told him if he wasn't serious about having a child, I needed to know, we can't go into this if this is something he doesn't want.
I went to bed frustrated. I know, after the wonderful night we had the night before, I shouldn't have, but I think that played a part actually. To have connected so well, and then no connection at all, I really felt lost. He wanted to know what was wrong, I didn't want to talk. I just felt so disconnected now, so hurt, so unworthy.
Well I finally did talk. I didn't think I had talked to him disrespectfully, but I did complain. Something I have promised myself not to do. I feel like complaining to him like this is topping from the bottom. I read some of my kindle preparing to go to bed in another 5-10 minutes. All the sudden the Duke got up, turned on our bedroom light, took my kindle from me, and brought out the large paddle. I panicked. What had I done?
And panic I did. I hate that paddle. Blondie, I love you, but really??? Can I send you the large one back???? ;) Nothing makes me pay more attention than this paddle. Probably why the Duke loves it so much. I finally got the Duke to stop long enough to tell me what was going on, what I was being punished for.
I was being spanked for being disrespectful to him. I really didn't think I had been. I didn't say that, but did say that I thought I was just sharing my opinion. But I did produce my bottom for my paddling. This is what we agreed to earlier in the week. That even if the Duke was unsure, he could punish me.
The Duke actually got angry, He has NEVER shown his anger towards me. NEVER. Not even a little. I have only seen him angry once, and barely, and it was towards a friend of his, and several years into our marriage. In fact, I used to have a line I said to friends, "Never marry a man until you see him when he is truly angry. Then see how he handles it." I waited and waited and waited with the Duke, and realized I could be waiting forever or had to marry him without seeing his anger! LOL
So I was so shocked to see his anger. I was actually a bit frightened that he'd spank in anger, so I just asked him, while turning over, to remember not to spank me in anger. His mood changed in an instant and he relaxed. I have been told this morning that he wasn't actually angry, but that he did need to address my behaviour. He was being stern, not angry. I guess I see that now, if he'd been truly angry, he probably couldn't have relaxed that quick.
So I took a punishment last night for something I don't really feel I did, I really feel I was only sharing my opinion and not being mean. But I took the punishment anyway, and you know what? It was great. Don't get me wrong, it hurt so much, and I flew out of position at least three times. I was so mad at myself each time, but the good thing was, I put myself right back each time I realized what I'd done without being asked. And afterwards I cuddled into him hard. I need his arms around me, and I needed his love.
Today we are great. I am so glad we made this promise to each other this week. Maybe I was a bit disrespectful, I'd rather him err on the side of caution than not punish me when I really do need it. Needless to say, I wasn't allowed to have my kindle back to finish the chapter I was reading before bed. ;)
I can already see the difference in the Duke. He is more settled today. He is more sure of himself. He is already showing his confidence. He is wearing a big smile! I'll take it! :) This month long pact we made seems to be just what he needed. Almost a week in, we'll see if things keep getting better. :) I really hope so, more for him, than me. He really needs to see he can be a leader, he can make mistakes, he doesn't always need to be right, nor fear being wrong. I can't wait to see what the next three weeks bring.