I want to first of all apologize that my background keeps changing every few weeks. Still trying to create one that is me. I think this is the closest yet. It would be near perfect, but I have to save the file as a jpg to make it a small enough file, and it's making part of it all pixelated to do so. :( I might just give in and get a background that is premade and all pretty. (Since posting this I was able to get it to look right, so might keep it) Let me know if the background is too busy for any of you on this one. I had a similar background already to go, but it was all in shades of pink, and it proved to be TOOO much, too much pink, and way too busy. lol (And No, my house, or anything I wear, is NOT this girly. LOL But it just seems right for how I feel about DD, and my husband. If you saw me though, and saw my house, you'd think I was more of a tomboy. hehe)
So anyway. The last few days have been quite an adventure.
On Sunday we tried our maintenance. It didn't go well. We were supposed to do it on Saturday night, but I had a girls night. It started at six and was supposed to end around nine, but I loved it when people stayed until 11:30. That always lets me know I did a good job, and people are enjoying themselves. :) So that pushed maintenance to Sunday.
The problem was, until Wednesday last week, the Duke was doing good. He was stepping up, he was being in charge, he was putting his foot down. Thursday, gone. Literally, he disappeared and was back to the old husband I'd lived with all along. I spring cleaned this place from top to bottom, TWICE in the past two months, as I've said before. Thursday night I just needed his help moving a desk. It's about 200lbs. I can move it on my own, but it's very hard, and now the washer we have sticks out into the hallway a bit further than it used to (there is a cut out in the hallway for it) and so it would have been near impossible for me to do on my own, especially without risking hurting myself, a lot because the desk has to be tipped up on it's side to go down the hallway. Well, I asked the Duke for help, and he gave me a huff of a sigh. :( I looked around the apartment at the several hours of work I had done that day alone, and I do know he worked all day, but I just needed ten minutes.
Something similar happened on Friday night. I just needed a bit of help with something I couldn't do on my own. Nothing big, I can't even remember what it was now, I just remember I couldn't do it alone. Saturday came, I had the whole place now cleaned from top to bottom. All I asked of him, because my back was giving out from all I had done all week, was to sweep the kitchen and bathroom, and do the cats' litter. I cleaned everything else, right down to washing some walls.
I really didn't feel I'd asked much of him. While off work I took over all the chores except garbage and cat litter. But it seemed that the less he had to be responsible for, the less he was willing to help. Saturday night after everyone left, I knew I needed his help for ten minutes, so I asked for it, knowing he'd huff again like every other time. I hadn't had a chance yet to run the wires for my office, I just needed him to stand on the other side of the wall to grab the wires as they wouldn't pass through on their own. It did end up taking a few more minutes, but then we were done. I only needed it done that night because we'd had no time before to do it, and I needed to know if they were long enough or else I'd have to buy new wires after church. They were long enough, JUST. Whew. :)
Anyway, come Sunday, I felt like such a burden. Here I was, doing all this to please him, cleaning the place, making it more relaxing for him, more relaxing so I could be less stressed for him. I doubt in all those days he even had to do 45 minutes of work. So when he wanted to do maintenance, I felt so low. What had happened? Why was I such a bother? Was he getting frustrated? Would it build up and he'd just leave?
So maintenance did not go well. I ended up frustrated. I didn't yell, but I did VERY strongly put across my point of how I asked him to do so little to help me, and that I'd worked my butt off every day and night getting our place all cleaned, organized, set up for the office, and finally decluttered. I've never been this good at decluttering by half, neither has he. I felt all my pride in my accomplishment go flat. It no longer felt special that I had been able to do what I'd never been able to before.
Nothing got settled that night, no matter how much we tried. The next night, we talked. Monday is our DD evaluation night now. We established that in boot camp. He listened. Really listened. That night I got another maintenance. OUCH! He's NEVER spanked me that hard. He said it was because apparently the night before hadn't been hard enought. I couldn't stay still, I tried, it hurt way too much. So he held me in his new favourite position. :( You know, the one where he's at the head of the bed, I'm over his right knee, his left one holding my legs down, his right arm holding my back down and his left hand is swinging. (He's right handed, so glad he used his left, his right would have killed me!) He kept spanking, and I kept flailing. I felt so bad about that, I just couldn't stay still. Then it happened. What so many of you have talked about, and has never happened to me. After several minutes, I flopped. I lay there like a limp noodle over his knee. He told me that was good, that was how I was supposed to take a spanking. His insistence surprised me.
I also had a panic attack in the middle, the being held down, I couldn't breathe. He relaxed his hold, A BIT, and talked me through it. I was upset with him at the time, why wouldn't he just let me go? But now I am so glad he didn't. I needed that spanking. I needed that reset. After that I was back to my old playful self again. Which earned me three sets of swats! *blush* But all in good fun. :)
I had saved some documents for him lately, and he read a couple of them last night. The ones he'd read were the one Mick wrote about a year ago or so for Hoh's and also "I Need" that Willie wrote last week. I added a few things of my own to that list, and then wrote just a few words about why each line was so important to me. It really helped drive the point home.
Later on I wanted to finish my blog look, so when he told me to go to bed, I asked for three more minutes, which ended up being twenty. At eighteen minutes after my bedtime, he told me to get to bed, NOW... I did... a minute later... but first I opened an email, and replied one sentence to another email I really wanted to send. I admitted this when we were doing our devotions in bed. I got swatted for it. And I felt so loved!
I feel so cared for when he steps up. Why can't I feel like this when he steps back and off the ball? He says he doesn't love me any less when he does that... maybe it's because my love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Both of which a spanking and the cuddle time afterwards give me. I'll have to think on that. Do any of you find that your Love Language helps define DD in your marriage?
PS, went to the kitchen after writing this to do last night's dishes, and they are all done! Okay, maybe I'm PMSing because that makes me want to bawl. LOL Wow, I guess our talked really helped. I feel a bit guilty now for being so hard on him. :(