Tomorrow we will be starting boot camp.
I have 3 meals all precooked, they just have to be nuked to warm them up. One meal will be poutine, all I have to do is cook the fries and pour cheese over top. We're fending for ourselves for the breakfasts. I picked up snacks, the Duke's favourites, to start my extra submission early. We decided not to worry about healthy snacks for this weekend. I made his favourite cake. Bought chips (I don't like chips), bought pop. The house is clean. About to bring in the last load of laundry, and then there will be nothing we have to do all weekend......
EXCEPT toast my bottom, give me rules, give me tasks to help test and form my submission. Did you hear that hitch in my voice? Do you see my hands shaking? Do you feel the ground shaking because my heart is beating so hard and fast???
I have been a wreck here or there throughout the week if I think about boot camp. And I don't know why. I trust the Duke completely. I know he won't hurt me, we'll besides my bottom! ;) I trust him to take care of me. I know he would never humiliate me. He does at times ask me to go outside of my comfort zone to show submission, and at times that embarrasses me. But he only ever does that in the comfort of our own home. Never with any chance of anyone seeing or hearing. And we both see the benefit from this as well. He doesn't do it to embarrass me, but to show me how much I truly can trust him. He takes such good care of me.
You know what... writing all that is just what I needed. Why didn't I list this all to myself earlier? I do trust him. I can already feel the worry leaving my body. He's only ever asked things of me since we started DD that make me trust him more, things that are better for me than I would choose. He has never once selfishly asked me for anything, or made a rule selfishly about anything. Even a clean house is a rule because I freak when people come by unannounced and the place is a mess. He hates seeing me stressed. This way I can relax a lot more.
Okay, good. :) Wow, thanks guys, you already helped! ;)
So tomorrow is boot camp. I really feel good inside when I can submit. I feel humility (the good kind) surging through me, this warm feeling of putting myself second to the Duke's happiness. And the funny thing about that? He always puts my happiness before his own. And I mean always. Those times it's a struggle for me? Is because I'm learning to let go, learning to trust that I can be at absolute ease with someone else.
When I submit, I feel owned, I feel loved. When the Duke tells me "good girl" with that gentle smile, his voice full of pride and love, I just melt inside. I have never loved, or been loved, like this. I had been told all my life because I was not shown love as a child, I couldn't ever really love. I believed it. :( Maybe I can't reach the level of understanding that others can, or the depths, but what I feel right now is love like I've never known. I have value, that SCARES me, but it also excites me. The Duke has been letting me know this week that I am a prized possession to him. I'm starting to feel beautiful. *blush* How did he do that so fast? Wasn't it just this week I was fighting that tooth and nail?
I can't promise that I will be allowed to get on in the next two days, but if not, I'll write all about it on Monday. We are going to try to limit my interactions with the outside world, the Duke says he'll see. He might let met get on to at least blog about my thoughts. I told him I feel I would better learn from this weekend if I didn't talk to too many people. So we wrote our friends and loved ones an email telling them we were not going to answer phone calls, or knocks at the door all weekend. This will help me stay focused on him.
I really feel this is going to be good for me. In talking about ways I need to let go, I've realized I have more walls built up than I thought. I know there will be a lot of crying as I let them come crashing down, but I want to be vulnerable to the Duke. I want him to have all of me. Not just the parts I deem safe to give. Yes, this is scary... but I have to do this. I have to stop protecting myself, and let him do it for me.
See you all Monday, if not before! :) If I get any comments before bed, I'll try to reply to those at least. :) Off to have a date night. :)